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Should I put my foot down or shut up??

Carlye09's picture

Submitted by Carlye09 on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 10:14am

Hello everyone, First time here, I am married three years, together for nine. I have two daughters 17 and 15. My husband also has two daughters, 17 and 15. All great girls. My step daughters are sexually active mine are not. My 17 SD, I've heard, has been sneaking her Boyfriend in her room in the middle of the night (also happens to be her 2nd cousin). My husband is aware and doesn't seen to bother him much. I, on the other hand, think it is so inappropriate and disrespectful. I don't know if I should just let my husband and BM handle it? It is my house, should I put my foot down? Should I not care and just worry about raising my own daughters appropriately? HELP!!

Comments

sunshinex's picture

Submitted by sunshinex on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 10:16am

He needs to handle it immediately. A 17 year old girl absolutely should not be sneaking boys into her room for sex at night. I hope DH or BM talked with her about safe sex because you don't want her making babies under your roof!

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 7:39am

and this is the whole point - SM heard about it, never saw it, DH is aware of the rumor but not acting cause it 's not proven....

Op is claiming SD's are having sex, age 15+17, but her daughters not... also age 15+17? yeah like any normal teen girl would tell her mother I'm having sex.....

sunshinex's picture

Submitted by sunshinex on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 10:25am

Just to add...

Don't you think if SD gets pregnant, you and DH will be doing a lot of babysitting? If that's not what you or DH want, I'd tell him asap to get this under control. I'm not saying she won't find other ways to have sex if it's not in her own bedroom, because she will, but at the very least it shouldn't be swept under the rug. A safe sex talk is needed immediately, followed by fruitsalad's recommendation of nailing the windows shut!

momof3smof2's picture

Submitted by momof3smof2 on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 1:57pm

"That hardly screams adult, moral or responsible behavior."

No, it screams teenager experimenting with sex. Certainly not necessary to label and call names.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 12:52pm

"It's always so attractive when women call other females sluts."

Some females (and males) ARE sluts.

If you don't want to be called a slut, don't act like one.

MrsZipper's picture

Submitted by MrsZipper on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 7:50am

A 17 year old who has sex with her boyfriend needs a lesson in self respect? Ok?

uofarkchick's picture

Submitted by uofarkchick on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 8:58am

Fruity, you are right on. I started having sex at that age because I thought that was how you kept a man. I had no self respect. So if Fruity wants to say I was Slutty McSlutterson, she's right. I wish someone had explained to me that sex is a lot more complicated than "in and out." I wish someone had told me that a man of worth would respect me for not putting out and that the men that would come sniffing around a loose woman are probably not the type of men that I wanted in my life.

I have been single for years and I have not slept with anyone and I probably won't until I'm either married or engaged.

Fruity, your values are a big part of why I respect you.

Doorsy's picture

Submitted by Doorsy on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 9:09am

I had sex at 17 because my boyfriend was hot and when he touched me it made me tingle. I didn't give it up and I didn't give in. I took and I enjoyed. It didn't make me "loose". If a man can't respect me because I had sex at 17 then he ain't the man for me.

uofarkchick's picture

Submitted by uofarkchick on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 9:14am

I never said you were loose. I don't even know you. I was calling myself loose.
I don't think that a 17 year old child can fully comprehend the consequences of a sexual relationship. Perhaps you're the exception. But like I said, I don't know you.

Doorsy's picture

Submitted by Doorsy on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 9:45am

Don't put your self down like that. Having sex at 17 doesn't mean you are loose or not worthy of a man. Be empowered and proud of your bad decisions, we all make them but never be derogatory towards yourself. Life is to short for that.

uofarkchick's picture

Submitted by uofarkchick on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 9:15am

Well, if what she's doing is so right, then why sneak around? You only sneak around when you're doing things that you know aren't right.

uofarkchick's picture

Submitted by uofarkchick on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 9:27am

There is a difference between discretion and sneaking around. Discretion is keeping private things private but sneaking around is breaking the rules in order to do the things that you want to do.

Doorsy's picture

Submitted by Doorsy on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 9:39am

I must have misunderstood what you were saying. I thought you called her a slut because she at 17, was having sex in her parents house. Isn't that why you called her a slutty mcslutters..something or another.

uofarkchick's picture

Submitted by uofarkchick on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 9:32am

Huh? I didn't say or imply that.
If you want to stir the pot, go right on ahead and do that.

Doorsy's picture

Submitted by Doorsy on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 9:41am

I thought we were all allowed to post our opinions like you? :? Are only some allowed, I'm new so I don't know the protocol.

Doorsy's picture

Submitted by Doorsy on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 9:27am

We had sex at each others house when our parents weren't home. I must be such a slut!

Doorsy's picture

Submitted by Doorsy on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 9:42am

}:) He was worth every bad name you can call me. He was my bad boy phase. Ahhhhh to be young again.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 7:58am

goodie good good... will send Aergia to you then and you can try and have this talk with her..

Aergia will simply tell you, my mother said respect is earned not given, My Dad will protect me and I never get emotionally involved so f%ck off you are not my mother

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 8:15am

sledgehammer will break lol......

I just can't understand how you can teach your kid respect is earned lol... how the hell do you earn self respect, so that's never going to happen.... oh well she's almost 18 and no baby yet Wink

MrsZipper's picture

Submitted by MrsZipper on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 7:33am

I don't think there is any correlation between a teen having sex and a teen having multiple partners. We don't have enough info about her to make a judgement either way. Kids today are having much less sex than their parents generation, that has been studied quite a bit, so if anything I would say this is her one and only partner.

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 2:12pm

Right?

It's not like it is fun, enjoyable and something that we are literally programmed to do as much as possible.

uofarkchick's picture

Submitted by uofarkchick on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 10:28am

Sleeping with her 2nd cousin? Gross.

Sneaking a boy in for sex is very disrespectful. How do you know that this guy isn't stealing from you or inviting other friends over? Maybe it's time for the door to come off her room. You don't even have to discuss it with her. It's your house and if you feel like removing a door then so be it.

MrsZipper's picture

Submitted by MrsZipper on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 10:28am

Both my SD's were on BC at 15, make sure DH knows they should be on the pill or the shot.

Agree with Morri - how did you hear?

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 7:36am

Agree!

MrsZipper's picture

Submitted by MrsZipper on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 7:40am

Our neighbor sends her kids to private school and that school has not had a teen pregnancy in the last 20 years! Imagine that? Well, never a birth I guess. The old, "Get in the car, you ARE going to Yale next year"

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 10:41am

If your DH is okay with it why does she have to sneak him in to her room in the middle of the night?

I am not okay with anyone sneaking into my home in the middle of the night. As I live in a high crime area that would just be too dangerous on many levels. Seriously there's a shooting within a mile or so quite frequently. Too many bad guys.

I wouldn't want someone seeing how easy it is to gain entry. Plus my DH or I are both well trained, armed, and liable to shoot first and ask questions later if a strange man had just gained entry.

2badsosad's picture

Submitted by 2badsosad on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 12:20pm

Put your foot down. If she wants to do that with her 2nd cousin (that is shocking) then have her do it elsewhere. That is YOUR house too and I am sure you normally wouldn't allow it. You need to talk to your husband and have him handle this immediately.

Cooooookies's picture

Submitted by Cooooookies on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 12:57pm

Until she's under her own roof paying her own bills, she doesn't get to have a say. As it is your home as well, you get to have a say. Or DH and his bios can go hooch it up somewhere else. Gross, disrespectful and outrageous...from SD and your DH.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 1:02pm

Your husband is okay with his 17 year old daughter sneaking boys in for sex? Her own cousin, even? I just don't know what to say to that.

smomofone's picture

Submitted by smomofone on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 2:38pm

This!!

Its so disrespectful of her to be doing this. She wants to screw around then so be it but be respectful of other peoples homes. Unless she is paying rent and bills, she has no say over this. I've been with my SO for almost 5 years lived together for 4, I still wont spend the night at my dad's with him let alone have sex in his home. NO NO NO.

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 1:38pm

You sound like you know what to do, you just need encouragement and backup - something you are not getting from your DH. It is YOUR HOME. Put your FOOT DOWN. Put TWO FEET DOWN. Its not a moral issue at all, Im gathering, but more a "I don't think its right for someone uninvited to be in my home, especially not someone having sex with a teen under my protection" thing. She's above the age of statutory rape, but under age for adulthood. She is still under parental jurisdiction/responsibility" to my knowledge, so you have the right under her being 'not adult' to tell her "NO BRINGING PEOPLE IN FOR SEXUAL RELATIONS". Period.

If you have a positive relationship with SD17, talk to her. Talk to her about sex and possible consequences, talk about BC, etc. Tell her that you do not want this to happen again. Watch and stay up, catch it and then rain holy heck on her for breaking your house rules. Enforce. use tactics given above.

Ultimately it is YOUR way or NO way. Be strong Sister!

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 3:22pm

Let her screw 50 guys if she wants to - but not on your dime (ie in your home). Minors and non bill payers do not get to make the house rules on who can come spend the night.

I HATE lying sneaks.

To me it's not about morality - if I invite a married friend to come visit I would be just as upset if she sneakily let her legal DH into my home in the middle of the night without my permission. It's about lies.

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 7:32pm

I hope the girl is on massive amounts of birth control and the boy is getting condoms from somewhere. My first concern would be to make sure she is protecting herself from pregnancy and STD's. If she got pregnant your entire family would be affected.

Put aside moral judgments for now and approach her jointly w/DH about how she is protecting herself since she is sexually active. Many teens play around and think they can pull out or take a shower afterwards to prevent pregnancy. Educate this child and your own daughters at the same time.

happy's picture

Submitted by happy on Mon, 01/16/2017 - 8:51pm

Its your house - respect your rules - tell husband again you don't like it and you don't want it - this is pretty big deal like someone else says if she gets pregnant who is taking her in? that is a decision that effects the entire family not just her cause lets face it at 17 your not an adult and it does impact your life forever. If your husband loves you he will call a family meeting with her - and include you in this and if she continues have consequences for her actions. It is very disrespectful - and i hope your hubby stand beside you whether he agrees or not he should equally show you the respect that you want in the house.
good luck..

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 2:15am

Your house and your rules...... but you can not work on hear say, you have to sit the girls down and make it clear...

this is the house rules, no boys up in their rooms, if it happens there will be consequences, then you will have to be alert and catch them in the act... only then can you do something about it.

Don't be so sure that your girls are not sexually active, it's not something a teenage girl will tell her mother...
Make sure the girls are on BC, to avoid unwanted pregnancies.... and tell them... if any one off them comes home pregnant, they will have 60 days to find a job and a flat cause you are not a babysitter..

Just a general house rule discussion, they have been warned,

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 5:50am

She thinks her DH is okay with it, no where is proof that it happened or that they caught SD sneaking a boy into her room or having sex....

SO still believes Aergia is a virgin cause she said she's not having sex..... he does not mind her having boys in her room, he does not mind boys spending the night when we are not there, he believed her when the used condom in her bag was explained as a friends not hers...... and well Aergia is correct was not hers was the friend's she had sex with...

so untill SO catches Aergia in the act there's nothing I can do about it.... it's best not to talk to him about it cause he will believe her, I just keep quiet now a day, the day she comes home pregnant, I will tell him.. well she's still a virgin maybe the baby is not hers

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 7:17am

The sexual activity of mid to late teens doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the sneaking in of people into the home.

Time to install an alarm system and send the BF/2nd cousin off to jail in handcuffs. That ought to cool the flames of this romance nicely.

At that age I would just get a hotel for my amorous activities. Sneaking girls into windows in the middle of the night, trying to time gaps in mom and dad's schedule during the day, etc... was just to much drama and work.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 7:41am

Does she share a room with her siblings? I sure hope not... that would make things even worse. Having sex with her 2nd cousin while her siblings are in the same room.

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 7:42am

If you're not okay with it, then your DH should support you on that. It's your home.

If she wants to have sex, then she needs to get her own place to have sex.

FieryEscape's picture

Submitted by FieryEscape on Tue, 01/17/2017 - 9:59pm

Nope, no way never in my house, I have a kick ass security system !

I drilled it into my DD's head that I was NOT going to be a babysitter . When she decides to have sex, she had better be smart about it.

Sneaking boys in while other are in the house is tacky and brazen. She clearly has no respect for her parents or siblings.

The younger generations have turned into a hookup culture. They don't really date and have relationships.