I can't even. Can you?
Time to join the club, friends!! This is long, but I suppose hopefully therapeutic for me. If you hang in there til the end, then man you're patient. Pretend I bought you a beer for sticking with me. My first official rant:
Confession. I'm hiding out in my attic right now writing this. The 11 year old is the only one home and he's not even doing anything wrong. He's being a perfectly fine, perfectly normal 11 year old, watching clips of his favorite spider man movies in the living room. Once in awhile he will tear across the house to his room for something, which makes the entire building shake, but that's pretty normal too considering he is a hyper young lad.
Does this compute with you guys? Do you guys get the "kid itchies" too? I.e. Everything is fine but kid is in existence and you just have to not be around?!
I think most of the time I'm fine, mostly indifferent.
But today I can't.
I don't want to hear spider man. I don't care when the movie was made and what year they filmed it. I don't want to hear about doctor octopus or the flash or the avengers or captain America or Minecraft or the Fucking Lego Batman Movie. So just stop. It's bad enough that the 15 year old will come home soon and stink up the house with his unshowered teenage body. Let's have less stimulus. And for the 304235872365293858th time stop leaving your goddamn lights on when you're not in your room.
Now for a much nicer topic: my soon to be wife and the mother of these children. She is an incredible mom. She's my favorite person on the planet. She's extremely strong, level headed, humble, generous and hard working. But these kids are almost NOTHING LIKE HER!! I don't friggin get it.
Anyway, 15 year old resembles his dad in far too many ways. His redeeming quality is that he got his mothers good looks and talent. However, the talent doesn't serve him well yet because he's way too self obsessed and conceited for it to be impressive. Otherwise, he's got his own challenges of being OCD (clinically diagnosed in both boys) and we suspect he may be just at the bleeding edge of possible autism. You'd barely detect it unless you live with him though, where he mostly takes up space and smells awful while doing it.
11 year old is a little more like his mom in that he is more thoughtful about others, actually seems to have empathy, and is pretty sensitive, but mostly sensitive to a fault. (Can cry at anything) He was also blessed with the good looks, and some talent, and fortunately he has learned to work hard in school despite being EXTREME ADD and OCD. Both boys have times of being fun to be around, but it's rare. We need to be having a special occasion or on vacation or something to all genuinely be having fun and relaxing. Even then there are taxing moments.
Their combined obliviousness about real life can be soul sucking. We try to be a very open family to make sure they aren't too sheltered. We try to give them balance. We speak honestly about the troubles of the world but also don't want to give them info they don't need. We are realists. For as hard as we work to communicate and engage them in all the right ways, it doesn't click. The 15 year old loooooves to live up to "being a teenager" and constantly says "What did you expect? I'm a teenager." To which I'd like to respond by kicking him in his voice box, but for all his laziness, he's a black belt. I'm guessing our efforts won't actually land anywhere with them until they too are adults.
As for me, I never wanted kids. And I always knew that if by some turn of events I did have kids, I would have my own and I had ideas about how I would raise them to handle the world. And I knew that they'd have a shot of having things in common with me cause of genetics.
That is, until I met her.
She's my other half. If I could've helped it, I would've. I have to come up with a nickname for her here... but it's the one situation that I have had to work the hardest to accept: "baggage" kids that came from a dysfunctional marriage where I had no input on their development/environment and no DNA to help the connection. We broke up twice before and one of the reasons was the kids. Then we went to therapy. We worked our asses off to get through huge issues and have come out on the other side champions, stronger than ever. But that still doesn't mean I want kids, and it mostly means I work through it and just accept it. And I do accept it.
So here we are, in the days where I'm ranting on a blog in my attic. Somebody bring me a drink.
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Comments
Cheers! (clinks glasses).
Cheers! (clinks glasses). Welcome to the club!!!!
I love my SO, but wonder what I would do if someday I won the lottery and had more choices in life. We both work hard, but I have no connection to the kids other than we live in the same household and love the same man. I have no affect on their raising, and they don't look even remotely like me. Other than I have some attributes similar to BM (light-colored eyes, Caucasian, curly hair) I am not like their mother at all.
Yes, the Child Baggage. Make that attic comfy, you'll need it when the 11-year old hits puberty.
The way you speak about your
The way you speak about your wife is lovely. She's a lucky lady! You have so much love for her.
But yes, this is normal... I love my SD a lot but I have days where after I finish work (I work from home) I go sit upstairs in my bedroom for hours just to avoid being around her. She asks a million questions and almost never stops talking. I think it's natural. I love her, but she's not mine, and biologically, it's not the same. I can't handle her as well as someone who created her could. Like anniegetyourdrinkon mentioned, even bio parents get this feeling, but for some reason, I think with my own bio kids, it won't be near as bad. I haven't had any yet, but when I do, I'm sure I'll get annoyed once in a while, but not in a way that makes me want to totally avoid them.
Maybe it's because we're stepparents and we can. Like with SD, when I go upstairs for the rest of the night, I honestly don't really care what she eats for dinner or whether or not she takes a bath. I don't care if she's bored. I don't care what time she goes to bed. That's her fathers problem, not mine, and if he doesn't make sure she eats a healthy meal and takes a bath and isn't bored, that's not my problem. With my own kids, I would feel neglectful doing my own thing for a few hours.
Don't get me wrong, I care about her a lot, but it's up to her dad to make sure she's raised properly and on difficult days, I don't feel an ounce of guilt stepping out.
Oh welcome....You're first
Oh welcome....You're first blog was a hit. Very entertaining and something we can all relate to.
StepHell is difficult, even if you have great stepkids, even if you really enjoy kids...it can suck the life out of you.
One of the biggest difficulties is when the DH and SM are not on the same page. Sounds like you and your lovely bride are a team. That is worth millions in stephell.
Tale some time for YOU, get away from the kids for a few and recharge...Oh and have a second beer.
I prefer wine when it comes to StepHell, or something a little harder. But to each his own.
Cheers to you and welcome!
LOL. Barcalounger. Our house
LOL. Barcalounger. Our house has 2 living rooms, and 6 months after moving in full time, I moved the pool table OUT, and we have designated it as "my room". Complete with fireplace, couch and television, record player, and it is HEAVEN. Your own space. Priceless. So has the garage really styled out - television, etc, shot glasses, etc. So EVERYONE can get away from the kiddies.
WTH - you moved out a pool
WTH - you moved out a pool table.... there's something wrong with me or I've been in step hell to long..
for my cave....... wait I'll rather start another blog
This. This right here. Man
This. This right here. Man our place is such a tight space, one living room with a space off to the side for DWteaching studio, so no special rooms for me ... *starts calculating cost of attic remodel*
https://www.google.com/search?q=barcalounger+presidential&client=safari&...
re modeling is cheap - clear
re modeling is cheap -
clear it out, put some wood over the beams, get comfy foam seats and build a bar....
somewhere in the corner a hammock...
Haha! I appreciate your
Haha! I appreciate your honesty. Well it isn't difficult to notice my and their ages of course. There is indeed just over a decade between myself and fiancée. Not sure how that happened but here we are. It seems to be a tradition in both our families to have interesting age gaps. It's true of my grandparents, my in laws, fiancées sister, my sister and others. Even between myself and my sister there are 12 years. It is what it is and we don't bat an eye. Happy to divulge though. Thanks for the comments!
My SO is also 29 and I am 12
My SO is also 29 and I am 12 years s older than him
The gap doesn't bother us. And I have a sister 12 years younger than me!!
Yes, welcome to the club! I
Yes, welcome to the club!
I think we all have tendencies to focus on the skids a bit more than we would the average "normal" kid the same age (or even our own kids). I sometimes wonder if it is because we "see" the offending ex-spouse in the kid - or if it is biology and subconsciously you know that the kid does not share your genes - and therefore they have a mix of undesirable genes (ex-spouse). Sometimes when I look at the skids, I can actually see their mother and very little of their father. Their father is very handsome, kind and gentle, giving and loving, hard working and dedicated, puts the toilet seat down, picks up his mess, and breathes with his mouth closed. The skids are nothing like their father - and that is so confusing to me because he is very active in their life, they live with us for heavens sake! So many times when I look at them, I do not see the good - and they aren't bad kids by any means! They get straight A's, aren't out partying or getting into trouble - but the tendency to focus on what annoys me is there. All. The. Time. Sometimes just hearing them chew gets on my nerves.
So yes, while it is normal to focus on these things - you also have to be aware and remove yourself from them. Let their mom do the primary parenting, hope and pray they are easily taught and maybe some of the annoyances will subside. 11 and 15 are horrible teen years - but they too shall pass. They will eventually shower and learn to walk through the house like a normal person. Take time for yourself - I love the idea of a barcalounger and a TV in the attic! It will become your most favorite place to be!
Beer helps. Lots and lots of
Beer helps. Lots and lots of beer! Welcome Xero..love how you wrote your blog. Boys can be hard..and ones with ocd..lord have mercy! Buy that bar fridge and stock up. I found acting like an Aunt helps as I treat SS14 like my nephew..makes it easier.
Good luck..its too early to say cheers but we're goin through a heat wave so no doubt, we'll be having coldies this avo..so I'll have a drink to you then.
I felt this way today and I
I felt this way today and I confessed it to SO who got off early enough to ride with us to carpool to pick up SS5 from school. I admitted that even though SS is relatively great and we hardly have and trouble with him, he is the sole link to the one person who gets her rocks off by making us miserable. He's the telephone line to Satan and when she calls, DH has to answer so to speak. We can't just get up and walk away. We can't just go buy a new house in a different parish or plan normal family vacation. Everything has to be worked out beforehand and offered up for approval. It's exhausting. It's too much for me. I went through high and college, employment and being in a sorority with minimal drama attached to me. I was the hippie girl who saw the silverlining in everything and everyone and then this...now I feel like one of those cartoons where the rain cloud follows you everywhere you go. I feel guilty because SS really isn't horrible and DH is a great father to both his kid and our little one but this life is so complicated and all I wanted to a simplistic life on the beach.
I get you and if I could hide in our attic I would but my dog would rat on me out of fear of being left behind.
Kids just being kids can be
Kids just being kids can be completely annoying. They talk too much, listen to everything at the noise level of a heavy metal concert, and generallly make something dirty. As a childless step parent, I will sneak away to watch Game of Thromes while eating chocolate, no explanation... it's me time. If the house isn't on fire....you've done your job.
Mr X - I never wanted kids as
Mr X - I never wanted kids as well but guess what.... shit happens and my bio is 21 }:) }:) I shipped his ass off to boarding school age 16..... yeah I know awesome mother lol....
Now I have a brat SD, I'm disengaged.... I give a flying duck what she does, or what will become of her, she has a father and a mother.... yeah I know awesome SM...
Teen age boys is terrible, believe me.. they only get normal round about age 20 again, if you do not coddle them and tell them they are special, oh your DW will have to step it up and be very hard on those boys, force them to behave and do chores, yeah they will scream and come up with snotty remarks, but a back hand on the mouth does wonders....
It's this time of the boys life where their brains are still child but the raging hormones are adult, this starts age 12/13 - 20 before the brain realize dammit I'm suppose to be an adult now... hormones advanced by years...
It helps if you drink, but dude... hiding in the attic is awesome, I use to hide in the garage or garden, cause children hates working in the garden and Deigma never bothered me when I pretended to be working in the garden, but I must warn you - too much beer give you a beer belly - drink 1-2 beers daily and switch over to bourbon or brandy chased with water and ice...
Wow friends! I step away for
Wow friends! I step away for a few hours and all of a sudden I've got 899 comments piling up! Didn't expect that! Well thank you all for the warm welcome, it is much appreciated and your thoughtful replies are very encouraging. I promise I will report again with more entertainment soon, but it will likely be after my weekend is over. Luckily this ones all about the friends from out of town and we get to ship our...ahem...distinguished young gentlemen...off to their illustrious BD for most of it. Let the drinking begin! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish my morning dump in the peace and comfort of my favorite part of the day: the fine gentlemen HAVE GONE TO SCHOOL BWAHAHAHAHAAAA. Later taters!
welcome! i'll happily accept
welcome! i'll happily accept that beer, that's my drink of choice.
i get where you're coming from. i dont have any bio's either but dh has three boys. he has full custody. oss18 is currently living with MIL, but lurch (mss16 stb17) and kaos (yss13) are with us full time. dumb@$$ (bio-mom) is a worthless POS so she's really not in the picture.
i thank my lucky stars they all shower. i only occasionally get a whiff of teenboystankyfunk but that's just if they've been playing ball really hard then get in my car. EWWWWW.... it takes weeks for that $#!t to air out. i couldnt imagine smelling it every time they are in proximity.
welcome to the STalk party, and enjoy your attic, make it comfy for yourself cuz you'll be up there a lot. out of curiosity, how long have you been lurking?
Xero...let me buy you a beer
Xero...let me buy you a beer or two...and say.. I KNOW exactly what you mean. This whole week SS14 has gotten under my skin just being a kid. I am opening a bottle tonight and hiding in my Woman Lair and daring anyone to come find me. It's me, Buffy, The Vampire Slayer, Wine or Beer and NO KIDS for at least 5 hours this weekend or I am gonna 'splode.