SO's sister is getting better but.....
I know I have posted about my SO’s sister being around like a lot and how I am worried about things and how they will play out in the future. Things have gotten better, she is a nice person I do not dislike her but there are still some things that I am worried about once SO and I are living together.
A little more background she is 34, SO and soon to be SS live with SO parents right now so they can help take care of SS when SO travels for work. (He is looking for a new job so he is not traveling anymore and is home every day.) They also wanted to allow him to save up money so he can buy a house and provide a good home for his son. I have no issue with this, makes it hard to spend time together just the three of us but we manage. SO and I get alone time when he comes to my place.
Anyway I am truthfully a little afraid that the future SIL will have a mental breakdown once SO, SS and I all live together because things will literally be changing. Right now she is up at her parents’ house at least three times a week and sleeps over almost every time she is there. That will change one we move in together because I do not want that and neither does SO. She is at all his games and practices and just comes up to see him and to spend time with him. SS does not ask for all this she just has included herself. This has happened for the last three weekends now. I do not care since I don’t live there. My SO parents include her in everything and keep her informed about everything I am pretty sure cause she asks and wants to know so she can be there. (Again I have no issue with this that is her choice if all she has in her life is her job and my future SS and she has made those two things the center of her world)
I guess some opinions moving forward do I have to include her in everything and let her know SS schedule so she can be there for every event? I have no issue if she wants to take him for a night here and there. If she texts me asking me what his schedule is for all of it once we live together do I really have to tell her? Should I just defer that to the SO and trust that he puts the priority on the three of us figuring out a new different family dynamic and limit how much she will want to be there? Is it really wrong for me, once we live together, to not want her around as much as she is now? (If SS asks for it I will not tell him no, I will invite her and let her know he was asking)
Again Bio-Mom not around not even in the picture at all. Yes aunt has been very involved up to this point and I am not trying to take anything away from her. In her mind literally just in her mind I swear I have talked to SO about this she thinks she has been like a surrogate mom to SS. That was more his grandmother than her.
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Honestly, I have no clue. She
Honestly, I have no clue. She does go out with friends occasionally but most of her time is spent at work or with SS.
I think she does understand
I think she does understand that at least she says she does. I do know when she has a few glasses of wine, she does not drive, she get super emotional and mentioned that she could come up and help a couple times a week if my SO is still traveling for work. I appreciate the offer to some extent but I work full time and so does she like the same hours as me so I am like how much can you really help during the week? Honestly after a full day of work and taking care of things the last thing I want to do sometimes is come home and have guests in my house. Weekends and Friday nights are one thing but the school week and work week....?
Does anyone have any helpful
Does anyone have any helpful opinions on this or had to deal with super involved future in-laws?
Here are a few suggestions
Here are a few suggestions you might find helpful.
1. Try to understand that to a certain extent, you will be seen as an interloper by the SIL. She was there first and was super involved. Your entering the picture does change that for her and it may be tough for her to deal with if she doesn't have much of a life outside her family. I'm not saying you have to baby her but having some empathy may be helpful and allow you to treat her with a degree of kindness and accept that some of her actions are really coming from a place in her heart because she does care about her brother and his child.
2. Pick your battles. I would let SO deal with her for the most part on relaying scheduling stuff with regards to the boy. I wouldn't have any problem if she wants to attend every sporting event, or school play or the like. I think she should be involved in any activity that would be typically attended by the immediate family such as birthday parties etc... Things I might have an issue with would be unannounced access to my home or wanting to go along on my vacations with SO and the child unless other extended family are also going to be included in the plans.
3. I think you will be seen as a good person and gracious if you encourage the child to continue to have a relationship with her. I think it will be a problem if you go in with the attitude of "hey sis, you are no longer necessary, I am the new mother figure now". TBH, you don't even know if your relationship with the SO will last. You can't just swoop in and BE the kid's mother. Too many SM's try to do that and honestly it just doesn't usually work out too well.
Bottom line is that I would be as supportive of your SO as possible but not try to force the dynamic that you are the "mother or mother substitute" for the child. That may develop over time, but you should definitely go in in the least overbearing way possible.
Thank You, I agree with alot
Thank You, I agree with alot of what you have said pretty much all of it. I will always make sure she knows when major things are happening.
I will try to pick my battles. I do not think she will come over unannounced but I do think she will be texting a lot to come over and be up there or to take SS with her for the weekend here and there. I am good with all this but if it comes to be too much is it wrong for me to ignore her messages and tell SO to deal with it?
I am not trying to swoop in and be SS's like instant mommy. I do know my SO wants me to be like a mom to him eventually not right away but overtime. I do not think this is a horrible thing if that is how the relationship naturally evolves. Just a note if the BM was involved in his life I would never even entertain the idea of being like his mom.
I know for a fact that step parents are seen more like the real parents that the Bio ones. I speak from experience on this. I regard my stepdad as my dad more than my bio-dad.
I would be really careful in
I would be really careful in this situation. Just because your SO says that he wants you to develop that kind of relationship does not mean that it will ever happen.
You may find the boy just doesn't "take" to you. The kid may resent or dislike you for many reasons even reasons that are not necessarily "your fault". You may find you don't like the kid ultimately or can't bring yourself to be maternal in that way. There is no way you can know how it will play out going in.
I think the best tactic is to just take things as they come and have the kind of relationship with the child that evolves most comfortably. It may or may not be a close relationship and in the end, the SIL may still hold that role for the child. You will need to be able to make peace with this possibility because a lifetime of tug of war will not bode well for you and your SO.
Thank You and I am trying to
Thank You and I am trying to be careful and tread lightly in this situation. SO far the relationship with me and future SS has been pretty great. Him and I have even spent sometime together just one on one not a ton but here and there. We play board games and soccer together. So far he has begun to grow really fond of me and I him too. He does try to test me and push me and I just let SO deal with it.
Part of me thinks and has been some what confirmed by SO and his family that this little boy really wants a mom. So I have no idea what to expect or what will happen.
I would also be a little
I would also be a little worried that the guy is just looking for a "new mommy" for his kid.. ie maid/babysitter. He may have no intentions of upping his parenting or time at home.
I get that but honestly that
I get that but honestly that is the last thing I am worried about. I truly think if that is all he wanted he would have tried a lot harder to find someone and be with someone. Since his son was born 8 years ago, him and BM split before he was even born cause BM cheated on him while pregnant. He has not really dated much or looked for anyone. When we met the first time neither one of us were interested. Met again like 7 months later and something clicked. He did not pursue me and I did not pursue him we just talked got to know one another and really discovered that we had a lot in common. Things just kept evolving.
I do not think he needs to up his parenting he really does do all that he can and the best he can. No he is not perfect not at all but I know plenty of men and dads that would not do as much as him. Upping his time at home and finding a new job was his idea not mine. I never asked never even said anything, that is all him.
1.I am probably overthinking
1.I am probably overthinking a lot of the SIL stuff. I get that it is what I do with everything in my life unfortunately, I am working on it.
2.I guess she is not forcing herself into everything and yes the grandparents enjoy her being around, SO sometimes gets annoyed with it but he can not do anything about it at this time as it is their house. Hence why he is moving.
3.I do not think I will be the point person but him and I have talked he wants a person in his life to play and active role in his sons life and be like a mom to him. I can not blame him for wanting that I think any parent wants to provide their kids with a two parent household. That does not always happen. When he is home and not traveling for work he is a super involved dad, he does everything for his son from laundry to reading at night with him, to running him to all his games and practices, playing catch, also enforcing rules and punishment, on and on and on. He should be doing all that.
I can honestly say that I am scared, and I am worried not so much about SO and I and our relationship. More worried about being a good person for this little boy and a good role model/figure in his life. I do not know the best way to word this, he already had one mom bail on him and I in no way want to be another person that leaves on him. Yeah I am scared and I have talked to my SO about all this stuff I do not keep things from him. I have really given everything a lot of thought and have talked to my SO about so much of these things. My SO as of now has made some minor changes and tries to reassure me that he will be there and he wants to be there. I really do believe him. He is so unhappy when he travels anymore. I know people on here will think oh he is just trying to be the good nice guy now just wait, just really wait and see. I promise I do have my guard up, he knows that.