It's not selfish of you, but knowing that and getting anything changed about the situation are two very different issues.

See, you're the only one unhappy with the situation. It works for Dad, BM and SD. They aren't on the same page of opinion on your personal loss of couple time. Until your BF decides to either not make up the SD loss time or takes a stand on SD's objections to you spending the overnight, nothing is going to change... no matter how selfish or rightfully justified anyone here feels you are/are not.

The problem isn't really your BF traveling or Dad making time up lost with SD. No. The problem is Dad is allowing his daughter to dictate his adult personal life. You get sent home at like 8pm (or whatever) cause SD says you must be. She's, ugh, not 'ready' to acknowledge Daddy doesn't need her permission to have a sex life *rolls eyes*.

Keep in mind when he's traveling on his nights with her, he's missing time with her whether she stays at his house or BM covers for him and he may* want to make that time up. As kids get older it becomes less and less necessary that he switch days with bm when he's traveling when he can just as easily leave her at the house. The issue is are you welcome to stay there when she's there and should he allow her to dictate that. I say no. It's a relationship and there's compromise to be had, but he needs to tell 15 y/o to get used to it, you aren't going anywhere and she needs to learn to coexist with you there when he's not. If it happens often enough that he's not getting time with her you're also going to have to deal with occasional schedule swaps. There's no reason you can't mix up both, but he needs to be the parent and tell her to get over it. You also need to get over the fact that couple time has to come second sometimes.

SO and I have the same kid schedule now, but when it was slightly different I would often watch the kids if he had to go out of town on his night with them, including a 14 y/o daughter, so that he wouldn't have to ask bm to cover. Nights he travels and we don't have the kids I still stay at his house.

So how long have you been together? Why is she uncomfortable? How long have they been divorced? Were you the OW?
Is she religious? Are you very new to the relationship?

My DH and I “dated” for 7 ish years before we married or lived together. He NEVER stayed at my house if the kids were there or visa versa.

You probably only have a few more years to deal with this so I would just let it go. Let him hang with his DD while he still can. She won’t want to in a few years. (usually)

A year is plenty of time. Tell him to sack up and nudge her along. I've told SO before that I'm comfortable taking our time progressing our relationship(because the only next steps are the most serious) as long as he's working and making an effort towards it and that if he stopped making that effort or isn't trying to work through the things that make him nervous I would not wait around for him. Thankfully he makes a very conscious and visible effort, but I think you're in the same boat, this relationship can't progress if he's not willing to try and move things along. You(15 y/o) don't just wake up one day and decided to change...there has to be a catalyst and that catalyst needs to be him... using his balls a little.

So, what's your end goal here? Are you trying to "blend" the two families to eventually live together?

The arrangement you have now is MUCH better than ever living with this girl. Just read all the threads about step daughters on this board. She has made it clear she doesn't want you... if you move in together, it will be a nightmare.

Your BF is a man... and men do what they want to do. He wants to cater to her, not to you. You know exactly where you stand in the pecking order:

SD
BM
YOU <---number 3

All you need to do is look at his actions.

If I were you, I'd make myself less available to this man. He doesn't value you. He's not giving ANYTHING to have you.

YOU should be too busy to see HIM, IMO. You've put yourself in the position of courting him instead of him courting you (and that feels yucky, doesn't it).

Find your power.

I don't see anything wrong with parents NOT having sleepovers when they have their kids.

That's just something one has to tolerate when dating someone with kids. Yes, it sucks but...

Now, if you choose to commit to living together or marriage, his daughter is going to have to be more forthcoming about what the problem is and your BF will have to deal with that accordingly.

You do get along with his daughter, correct? She's not hateful or disrespectful when you are all together?

I know things don't necessarily look hopeful for your relationship with her, but at 15 she's off to college in a few years and it wont matter anymore worst case.

I also refuse to believe that it's not possible to have a good relationship with a SD. I've been in SO's teenaged daughter's life for over a year now and we have a great relationship, I am most definitely more than just dad's gf. We do things together, she's very comfortable with me, asks me to do things with her and told SO she loves me. I think a lot of it is just luck of the draw, but it happens sometimes and I don't and won't have a daughter so I eat it all up. There is some hope.

Unless she's living there forever this problem has an expiration date.

The issue is concentrated in this sentence from your original post IMHO.

"BF travels a lot for work. We don't live together and his 15 yr old daughter is not comfortable with me staying over when she is there. Sometimes he needs to ask BM to take his daughter when he is traveling."

First, who gives a f~(k what a 15yo is or isn't comfortable with in YOUR relationship? Kids get not say, and they get no opinion regarding the lives of their parents until they are putting the parents in a nursing home or in the ground and then only if the parent did not address those decisions on their own prior to the event. Period. Ever..... end of discussion.

Second, I assume that your BF is the NCP. The one advantage that the NCP has over the CP is schedule. The CP has custody and the responsibility for the spawn 24/7. The NCP only has physical responsibility for the spawn when the spawn is physically with the NCP. If your BF is traveling for work and cannot take his spawn then his X owns the issue and he is not obligated to take his visitation or to make it up even if it is court ordered. In my experience the family law crap on this issue is reasonably clear. Support and visitation are not connected and if visitation is missed it cannot be made up or forced to be made up except upon agreement of both of the spawning adults for that kid.

So, if your SO is the NCP, BM can go screw herself on this issue.

You and SO need to grow a set with both this kid and with BM. You are not selfish. However, both you and your SO are definately spineless.

IMHO of course.

Most of us are on this board "venting" because we achieved exactly what you are trying to acheive.

I would WAIT.

Nobody ever says they didn't get married soon enough, yet how many say they got married too soon?!

What you have now is the ideal scenario: you have the love of this man, the sex, the fun times... even family time with both families. None of the living with the SKID nightmare.

This girl will make your life hell, she's already shown you who she is, you need to believe her. And she's not magically going away at age 18.

Keep things separate until you are sure that you will really get the throne. Right now, he's showing you that don't have it. .. and he's the only one who can make this happen.

Keep dating the dude... and don't be at his beck and call anymore.

Can you imagine what other sacrifices he'll ask of you based how his daughter feels? I hate to feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, but I would not marry this man.

Other than the sleepover issue, OP does not imply that this girl is a spoiled brat, who makes outrageous demands of her father.

I'm not suggesting she magically will go away at 18...kids NEVER go away entirely, some more than others. But this specific issue which is her being home and not being comfortable with gf there has to go away at some point. If bf is willing to let an adult child decide who is allowed at his house, then dump him immediately. The issue is having minor children in the house that can't just up and leave if they want to and having to be flexible. Do people really go into marriages without the expectation that the kids come first? It doesn't always happen that way, but that should be everyone assumption.

Here is my two cents.

If your boyfriend really wanted you to spend the night when his kid is there, he would invite you to spend the night. So obviously he does not want it as well as his daughter.

He has known her for 15 years and you for a year and a half. I see nothing wrong with him taking it slowly with you. A year and a half is not that long to know someone. I find what he is doing to be very respectable. You two are not married, there really is no reason for you to sleep over when his kid is there. And are you bringing your kids along to spend the night when you spend the night? It seems like your kids are being dragged back-and-forth between homes for mom's booty call.

I guess I'd be finding other things to do and other people to spend my free time with. I'd make sure BF knows I feel free to date as well, because in your shoes, I'd still be looking for a relationship. To me, it's not really a "relationship" if one person stays home and waits for the phone to ring, and other one lives their life.

If I learned anything about men, it's to ignore the words coming out of their mouths and look at their actions only. Men LIE. Not to be mean, but to try to appease everyone.

OP, I'm sorry, but I don't actually think your BF wants to get married or even wants you moving in. Saying his GF of 1 1/2 years can't sleep over because his (likely sexually active) teen daughter "doesn't like it" is NOT how one takes steps on a path toward marriage.

I hate to say it, but all I read here is that you are Mrs. Right Now, and he doesn't want to dump you but he also isn't going to upset his daughter over you either. So basically, he's pretty luke warm when it comes to you.

I don't think I could stay with this guy. But I'm guessing you are going to. Minimally, you should at least increase your value to him. Stop staying over, period. And no him sleeping at your place either. He won't like it. Be honest- tell him you feel unvalued because you are valued less than the whim of his daughter, so you are intentionally decreasing his value to you. After all... why should you date someone who doesn't value you as much as you value them?

Why should you be throwing yourself at this man's feet begging for scraps to get to sleep with him when his actions say he basically doesn't care if you are around? A man in love doesn't let ANYTHING, not even fear of death, keep him from the woman he loves. He sure as hell doesn't let a whiney 15yo keep him away.

Sorry for the tough love. But I hate seeing you here mewling for his attention and approval like a schoolgirl. If we were friends, I might smack you. But it would be for your own good.

Redsox - how old are your children? It sounded like either you'd have her to your home, or pack up your kids to stay at Dad's when he travels on her days. As an only child, she may also not be keen on having other kids in her home (or going to theirs). Just a thought.