1 year of freedom
It has been one year since the final straw (log??) with my adult SD and I cannot believe how good it feels to have disengaged so completely.
I have to back up to 2015 and the funeral of my MIL. She passed away at 92 so it was no surprise when she died. SD decided to fly back for the funeral and leave her 3 kids with her soon to be ex husband. SD gave no info about the times of her flights or where she was staying. We thought it odd, but with the grief and the funeral planning we did not dwell on it. The first we saw her was when SD walked into the church for the funeral on Saturday AM. She was decked to the 9's and smiling the the cat that ate the canary. To say we were shocked was to say the least. She was treating this like a party! She skipped the family gathering after the funeral saying she was "tired" and wanted to go back to the hotel.
She showed up for a family dinner on Sunday and again was all decked out and flirting with bio daughter's boyfriend. Made a scene by correcting other's sib's parenting. She had to leave right after to go back to the hotel and sleep. She was soooo tired.
She skipped the graveside service on Monday AM even though the cemetary was right by the airport and her hotel. Said she did not know where it was.
Turns out the trip back for the funeral was really a "booty call" with her new boyfriend. The disrespect for the entire family and especially DH is beyond the pale. Seriously, who uses a funeral for an excuse to get laid!
The drama continued as the booty call created a baby and 9 months after the funeral out pops baby number 4. SD is still living with her now ex husband and is trying to reconcile. Wonder why? Booty call sperm doner is no where in sight.
SD quit calling, dropped me from FB, and complained to other siblings that I am too judgemental.
I have disengaged. If DH wants to talk to her, send her christmas presents, birthday acknowledgments, visit her, anything - it is up to him. I am out of the picture and I have learned not to care.
It took a while but I am happier without the drama and without the complications. DH has less and less to do with her as time goes on. That is entirely his choice. I neither help nor hinder but it tells me that my encouragement for us all to have a relationship was not based on reality. It was my fantasy about a family that is connected and loving.
I wonder why it took me so long and soooooo much drama to figure out that some people are not worth the effort.
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Comments
Congratulations... It's a
Congratulations... It's a much quieter life without having to worry about them isn't it? The only problem is when they push in and hurt your family (like your DD) - luckily people can make their own decisions and see SD for exactly what she is.
how do you keep from caring?
how do you keep from caring?
I stopped caring by working
I stopped caring by working on my relationship with my DH. The more intimate and close I felt with him the more I trusted him and the less I cared about what SD was saying or doing. I also worked to stop talking about SD at all. Nothing. Period. If DH brings up her name I can now say listen to what he has to say and then move on.
I realized that before I was tense and defensive and negative everytime DH and I talked about her. Every pore in my body was pissed and he knew it. Only an idiot would not notice that anger. Every comment he made I would jump on to discuss (to no end) what a terrible person SD was. Even if I said nothing really bad he knew how I felt and was defensive of her and her life choices. DH was always in the middle and had no idea how he got there and had less of a clue how to get out.
I practiced some relaxation techniques and read more alanon literature. It helped to give me the ability to realize that this is not my problem. Love the line "not my circus, not my monkeys". DH is with me and loves me. Nothing SD can say will change that and he can love her without diminishing his love for me. I can love him knowing that he still loves his daughter.
The funny thing is that without me ranting and pointing out what a manipulative, self absorbed, suck the life out of everyone kind of person that SD is - he started noticing it on his own. I SAID NOTHING!!! I let him talk about how bad he feels that she is not the person he tried to raise. We talked (in small bits) about his parenting, what SD was like as a small child, how he missed the signs of her mental illness. The calmer I became the more he trusted me to talk about how sad he feels that the family he wanted is not the family he got. How sad he is that SD is not the person he wished she was. It has brought us closer although we still do not talk directly about SD other than small things like him letting me know she called. We do talk about his feelings and disappointments and heartache over the lost relationship.