What... The... Hell... Is Wrong With This Family
Let me give you an update about July 4th before I dive into the ridiculousness that is my DH's family.
When MIL came to our house she...
1. Rewashed all my dishes in the dish rack.
2. Changed BD out of the clothes DH had put her in.
3. Cleaned BD's room because she had some toys out while loudly announcing that you must clean up if you're having guests over.
4. Told BD she was going to take her this week without consulting us.
Fun, right? I let it slide off of me like water off a duck's back. DH was fuming. According to him, he is implementing a rule that MIL is banned from our house.
I keep wondering if she just can't help herself. Like it's an illness or something to do this.
Okay, so fast forward to these last two weeks.
DH's SIL's grandfather passed, we asked them to let us know when the service was. They told MIL thinking she would tell us. She tells us MORNING OF. Neither of us can make it (I needed one last seminar class which was only on this day to graduate) but MIL says she can bring BD. We find out in the afternoon MIL never showed up. Call MIL, she says she had chest pains so decided not to go. I'm PISSED, and feel horrible that none of our family was able to have any representation but SIL was very understanding. DH goes and picks up BD and says he would like for MIL to get checked out before she watches BD any more since his aunt (MIL's sister) died last year from having a heart attack while driving and hit a tree.
MIL flips, accuses him of being controlling, it wasn't even her heart she said, he's trying to keep her grandchild from her, she has a RIGHT to have her grandchild. DH walks out with BD and we don't hear from her for an entire week.
He's PISSED but still wants to be able to let BD have a relationship with her grandmother because BD does adore his mom (our therapist says it's most likely bribery) so he musters up the courage to call her and ask if she still wants to keep the Monday schedule of an hour and a half in the evening while we're at our counseling session. We had been toying with the idea of using a babysitter instead but that may be too blatant of a slap in the face to completely cut off any contact with her. So he calls. Turns out she has shingles and had called his brother to tell us and I guess his brother forgot.
Is it just me or should people just freakin' relay the message they want to the person it's meant for?
Whatever, our therapist is very accommodating and BD watches the tablet while we're in our session. Is it too much to ask for everyone to just be adults and like communicate about feelings and boundaries and even simple messages without being this circuitous? I mean part of the problem is that DH doesn't even want to talk to her because she takes everything as an attack (and now I know where he gets his defensive habit from) so then they both get riled up and start attacking each other.
The therapist basically allowed him to vent and asked me if I could live with DH and his mom having no relationship and I'm like, yes, it's not my mom, it's not ideal to me since eventually she'll die and knowing him he'll feel guilty for not being more understanding. DH just said he realized it's not healthy for him to interact with her, and inside I'm also boiling because HE LET ME BE THE ONE TO INTERACT WITH HER FOR THE LAST 6 YEARS AND DIDN'T BAT AN EYELASH.
Now he's dealt with her by himself for what, 3-4 months and is ready to cut all ties?
WHY IS THIS SO DYSFUNCTIONAL. HOW DID THEY ALL SURVIVE THIS LONG ON THIS PLANET ACTING THE WAY THEY DO.
Also, MIL has not ONCE mentioned anything about SS or BM to either myself or DH since DH started pulling away this last half year when it used to be every time we saw her. Our previous hypothesis that she may simply have not known it was inappropriate has been blown out of the water. Oh she knows, but now she stands to lose something even more so she decides to be appropriate now. That pisses me off like, if you knew then why did you keep doing it other than for shits and giggles? Everything that happens now is a direct result of your own actions, and turning a 180 now isn't going to erase the past.
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Comments
I am sure she'd love to
I am sure she'd love to re-arrange my house if she could. She once asked me, very angrily, what it would take for her picture to be up on the ancestral alter (I'm Chinese by ethnicity and my deceased grandparents and DH's dad, her exH are up there), and "Do I have to die?" actually came out of her mouth.
I almost bursted out laughing when I responded, "Yes." because in my head I was like, how badly do you want your picture up there and how can I oblige?
I just found the entire July/4th thing hilarious because DH was the one doing all the cooking and dealing with the guests which were his family so he was the one pissed--he's sort of... holiday obsessed or something so he had her in a stars and stripes sundress (don't even get me started on Christmas and Easter with my DH, he plans her entire wardrobe and I let him dress her) and he was PISSED because she came out in pink t-shirt and pants.
The only thing that was highly annoying to me was the promising BD something she could not keep because she had no right or power to keep it, because we had to sit BD down and explain (even though she's only 3) that sometimes people can't keep their promises and it's important to keep ours by making sure before we make them, we can do them. I had to explain it once before to her when my mom's help was watching BD and promised BD she could go to the supermarket if she behaved, with no intention of taking her--she was about 1.5 and when I heard when I got back, I immediately took her to the supermarket because I didn't want her to think breaking promises was okay. Now at least I can explain.
This whole expecting others to relay messages drives me up the walls. I swear we all have phones, just freakin' text/groupchat/whathaveyou the people you need to relay the message to. I don't understand why they choose to do it this way.
Yeah, you know I get it!
Yeah, you know I get it! Here's my feedback though, on two areas where I think your boundaries can improve.
1. Pissed at DH for letting you deal with MIL for so long but he just can't do it anymore after 10 minutes? It was YOU who didn't draw the line with MIL... or with DH. You expected DH to protect you to the extent that you didn't take care of yourself. I suspect the anger is more about your frustration with feeling responsible for keeping DH & MIL's relationship alive, frustrated that your efforts are so clearly not of value nor appreciated, and feeling invisible to DH as he didn't take you seriously when you told him she is BSC. And all of that was you putting other people's needs first INSTEAD of your own.
2. Relaying messages - in this day and age there is no need for middlemen. If someone wants you to know something, there are so many ways to communicate that the failure to do so can only be deliberate.
Just my $0.02.
1. Dingdingding! I still feel
1. Dingdingding! I still feel a bit guilty but I don't know if it's just residual anxiety that now she'll be blaming me. But I realized, I don't even like her, hell her own sons don't even like her, so I don't give a damn if she blames me. And yes, a huge part of this is how pissed at myself I am for thinking that if their relationship was better, everyone would be happier and nicer. Nope, I just ended up being the one to take the brunt of it all.
When I told DH that what he's experienced with his mom for the last few months is literally what I've been dealing with for the last 6 years, he was SHOCKED. But that's my fault because often I'd soften up and sift through what each of them said or wanted as not to be the cause of their relationship downfall.
I WAS SUCH A DUMBASS.
2. I'm still trying to get over this--it's seriously insane. Like DH also won't confirm with either his mom or his brother for anything the day before--neither will they, they just think, as long as I did my part in asking once, if they don't let me know, it's their problem. You know how many times last minute plan changes could be avoided if they just manned up and confirmed? I confirm with my girlfriends at least two times before we have to meet simply because anything can happen.
This is one instance where I'm working on the "Not my problem." portion.
"turns out you were right all
"turns out you were right all along" card... OMG, there is a HUGE market for those, but I've never seen one yet...
Sign me up along with moe for
Sign me up along with moe for one of those cards too. Oh she's hilarious at parties, with racist undertones so I can't have her around my family or friends because she has said things like, "Are you really all Chinese? You look so different from each other!"
From what I've heard, she's always been like this which explains why both her sons can't stand her.
Did you mention your
Did you mention your resentment to the therapist?
Not yet. The session was
Not yet. The session was mainly for DH to vent and for us to come to an agreement about how things should be handled.
Essentially, the conclusion we came to was even if I don't like how to interacts with his mom, if I am the one who said he has to take all responsibility, as long as it doesn't give me more work, I should not micromanage him or tell him what to do. And if his choice is that he wants very limited contact to no contact with her, that is his right and I must respect that, and if he feels guilty when she dies, it's not on me.
But I am going to bring up my feelings about it next time, it's just really frustrating that it's all fine and dandy if he's not the one doing the work.
This is why my DH says he
This is why my DH says he loves his family from afar. He talks to them (some of them, anyway) occasionally, sees them rarely, and does his best to stay out of their drama. Works for me! Both of his parents are deceased so I am referring to the rest of them.
I know some people think that people should speak to their parents and family often and blah, blah, blah, but sometimes I think decreasing the frequency of interaction can be better for the relationship, if it's one of drama and toxicity.
A long time ago I thought
A long time ago I thought that the fact that he doesn't even want to interact with his family was sad and lonely and his mom seemed to want everyone to be close.
This was before I realized she's crazy, and it's more about her being head matriarch than anything else.
Not all families are the same and I realize I have to accept that.
Your MIL sounds like a
Your MIL sounds like a controlling b1tch.
And, yes, people should actually talk to, text or email the message to the person they want to get it, not just tell someone else. What is with those people? URGH.
They all hate direct
They all hate direct confrontation including message relays?
And controlling is an understatement.