I understand firsthand how hard it is to be the "second" or "third" etc... major relationship/marriage and that it is incredibly awkward at best and hellishly nightmarish at worst to have an in-law-skid bond like this, but this is definitely one that I would let go. I am stunned at the gigantic, mammoth blind spot that people seem to have for their biological kids/nieces/nephews/grandkids etc...and I never noticed it until I had to scrape my jaw from the floor and velcro it back to my face the first few times I saw my PIL's interact with my skids! This was when they were still in shock that my husband finally left BM and that he had married a girl they barely knew. They were extremely kind and welcoming to me and never said or did anything to make me feel uncomfortable, but it was inevitable that some things were really hard for me to deal with and I know it was the same for them at first. The first thing I noticed was that the skids stood out in their family and seemed like awkward outsiders and didn't even look physically related to anyone in his family. I was a brand spanking new SM and my skids behavior was horrific. They were so awful back then that they were almost never taken in public, other than school and they had one friend, a bratty little kid of one of BMs loser druggy friend. Imagine a ten year old that would have screaming, flailing temper tantrums if you didn't buy him candy or anything he wanted. Both skids whined and cried constantly and to make things worse, they were both at one of their most awkward stages physically, and they looked like bug-eyed, bucked tooth, radiation survivors. BM is fat, awkward and ugly and the skids really looked a lot like her at that point. I was just realizing what a huge mess I had gotten myself into and was realizing that I had two slow, special needs kids on my hands, an adoring but exhausted and frustrated husband and his nice family who were obviously trying to make the best out of a difficult situation and being their for their grandkids. They would literally have to be deaf and blind to not see that there was/is something way, way wrong with the skids, but in H's family, unpleasant things are not discussed and sticky subjects are briefly whispered about at the end of a week of small talk. They are great people, but my family is loud, warm, honest and nutty and it was a lot of culture shock to be around people who ignored the glaringly obvious the way they did. They have other grandkids that are absolutely adorable. Very sweet, intelligent and well-adjusted kids, that made the skids stand out as weird even more. It was like meeting the parents for the first time with two crying, whining mini-BMs following us around everywhere! H's parents are big photo people and like most grandparents have massive amounts of framed family pics everywhere. It was never discussed, but the awkward family pictures with all of H's normal, nice family smiling and BM's bucked teeth beaver pig face standing out in most of them, with two mini-clones, complete with one eye that appears to me migrating across the head leaving the other eye behind. It looked like a weird little trio of Star Wars extras had placed themselves in a normal family's photos! The skids can't help their genetics and now that their behavior is so, so much better than it was they are way, way more normal looking and much more pleasant to be around because they are happy and getting the attention and discipline that they need. Anyway, to any outsider they are and especially were troubled kids with behavior and emotional problems, but you would never ever guess that anything was wrong going by the In Laws behavior. As a step-kid who was never abandoned by my step-grandparents and very grateful for it, I am all for kids being loved by whoever is there to love them! All kids deserve to be loved by their grandparents, include step-grands, so I would completely stay out of that relationship and give her time to adapt to you. If she's not completely cool with you and any kids you have than walk away from her and refuse to spend time with her. She's the one who would miss out on another grandkid to love, not you. You don't lose anything, except a possible shrew of a MIL, and she might end up being really cool.

I am completely cool with my In-Laws and understand that people love their family no matter what problems they are born with or get from unfortunate parents or a troubled background, but I am always blown away with how they completely ignore the massively obvious problems and only refer to the special needs stuff and BM situation in a very veiled and vague way. My DIL HATES BM and won't have anything to do with her and my MIL is very professional and polite with BM, but doesn't like her and is progressively shocked as she pulls more and more crap with custody. I think my MIL realizes that her contact with the skids could be possibly jeopardized if (God forbid!) anything happened to my H. I have no legal ties to the skids other than being their SM and my MIL would have to go through BM to have contact with the skids if my darling husband weren't in the picture (something I hate to even think about). My MIL is smart and very diplomatic and an expert at avoiding unpleasant topics of conversation so she has kept things with BM as cordial as she possibly can.

They LAVISH massive amounts of affection and praise on the skids and while I am all for love and affection from grandparents, it comes across as bizarre a lot of the time. It's like being around people who jump up and scream like Twilight fans at a Robert Pattinson sighting when their kid gets a D on a test. I think if either of the skids were ever held back in school, they would somehow celebrate it. They are not crazy or dumb and raised two kind, intelligent, caring, attractive and funny children and have a wide circle of very nice and normal friends and are professionally very successful and generally nice and normal people. They are not blind or delusional, I just believe that they are fully aware of all the issues at stake, love their grandkids and are doing what they think is the right thing to do. If the skids had slight problems, it really wouldn't be noticeable, but since things are severe enough that they now both have special ed teachers that work with them at school and both see counselors (SS12 has been in state mandated counseling since he was five and his emotional and developmental problems became really pronounced (long before I came along!). Both skids are slow, have academic problems, have trouble making and keeping friends and have massive social awkwardness. It's not stuff that you can ignore without seeming really strange and that's just what my PIL's seemed like to me at first. I didn't understand why they were so fiercely covering for an obvious and long-standing problem and why I seemed to be the only person aware of the giant, flaming, neon elephant in the room! I had never seen mediocrity and a lack of intelligence and talent celebrated so enthusiastically and it took a while for me to see that they are very aware of all the problems, but just doing everything they can to show their grandkids that they love them immensely and regardless of what is happening between their parents. Their extra enthusiasm stems from overcompensating for the things the skids lack and I wouldn't see it as clearly if I didn't see the way they are so, so different with the other grandkids. Their other bio-grandkids are unbelievably adorable, very intelligent and well adjusted. They are advanced in pretty much all areas and happen to be very nice little kids that I bonded with very quickly. If given any choice, the skids will choose video games over any other activity and while the skids veg out in front of the tv and grunt responses to their loving grandparents, the other skids love doing crafts, playing and being read to. I have spent hours just having fun and playing with them and the difference between them and their cousins is shocking. The In-Laws behavior is the most amazing difference! They are affectionate and loving with their other grandkids and are obviously extremely proud of their talents, accomplishments and efforts, but they are very subdued and understated with them and give them about a third that the attention the skids get. My MIL talks to my SS12 like he is a slow five year old, loudly, clearly and repeating herself incessantly and talks to one of the actual five year olds like she is an adult! I understand all the dynamics and why they happen and what everyone is trying to do and although I find it disturbing and often shocking, I do approve of grandparents refusing to "divorce" a kid. My Step-grandparents NEVER made me feel less loved than the bio-grand kids and I am always included in everything the other grandkids are and they treat the skids like their own great grand kids! (double step grand kids!). They are my model for behavior and they were very supportive of all my hobbies and interests and supported and encouraged me when I got great grades and was flourishing and they were steadfast and loving when I had a rough year when my aunt died and they were also equally loving of my cousin (step) who was a total juvenile delinquent and in trouble constantly. We were really good friends and played together every day and although they supported the good things he did, they didn't praise his bad grades or bad behavior and told him what they really thought, while at the same time making it very clear that they loved him no matter what and that nothing would change that. I was one of the "good" grandkids who never got in trouble and behaved very well and I got approval and affection, but they also made it clear that if I screwed up or did something like my cousin they wouldn't love me one jot less. All kids deserve this and I think my PILs and most grandparents in these situations are trying their best to protect and support their grandkids and that their behavior is mostly misguided when it is so over the top and unhelpful. On the rare times that I broke a rule or got in trouble with my step-grandparents, they had consequences for me and talked to me about it. No matter what kind of rough day I was having, it was never okay for me to take it out on my siblings or cousins, and if any of us had screamed or hit each other or anything like that, we would all get the same exact consequence and a stern talking to. No one was favored and no one was left out. My cousins have all turned out to be awesome people and my juvie cousin is now a dad of two little girls that inherited their dads penchant for trouble! They are super cute, but a handful! I have seen and experienced that if you have moderate to high standards for kids, it may take a little time, but they can and do adjust and often outstrip high expectations!

I know with my own bio-nephew and nieces that no matter what issues they might have I would love them just as much as I do now and I understand the instinct to cover up and compensate, even if I don't approve or like it. I, personally, think it's a very dysfunctional but well-intentioned way of handling the issues, but they were dealing with an undesired situation the best way they knew and to be honest, when I first met H, the skids were so messed up from the dysfunctional "parenting" that H was trying to do while BM was spectacularly inept and dysfunctional herself, that there really wasn't a good way of dealing with the skids without making huge waves. They seemed beyond hope to me at first, and I know that H was on the verge of throwing in the towel and accepting the skids horrid behavior as something that couldn't be changed, but they are like different kids now!

Anyway, that was a really long and drawn out post, so sorry about that! I feel really strongly about this particular dynamic and that even though some aspects might be dysfunctional or messed up or you can't see a need for a connection between the step-grandma and your skid, I think stepping back and letting things happen naturally is the best, most diplomatic way and absolutely the best thing for your skid. The situation may be messed up, but at this point, I would let things settle and give it time. If things are still extremely upsetting in five years or so and the relationship is causing problems for your skid and your family, then I would be worried, but other than that, I would just sit back and get material for blog posts on here! If a group of people understands the pure awkwardness, sadness, frustration and anger that is inevitable when you're the SM after a previous partner/wife and there are grand(s)kids involved. Things may settle and improve naturally like they did with my skids and you may just accept the situation like I have. There is no way I could ever fawn over the skids and worship them like little couch slug mascots, but I'm not going to be the "outsider" who steps in to an established relationship and points out the stranger aspects. I'm just thankful that they're not my bio-kids and I don't have the stress, grief and shame that I would feel if I had a part in producing such troubled kids. We've all been there and thought those awful thoughts that a lot of people are too embarrassed to admit they have and it's possible to let it go and pick and choose your battles. Step-hood is an obstacle course with all kinds of traps and hidden challenges and i've learned that it's not worth my time and energy to try to change and alter people and situations that I have no control over. As long as there isn't any grandparent version of PAS or abuse, I would just step back and stay out of this one, even if you may be in the right or correctly observing odd emotional ties (and I don't think it's weird for step-grands to keep loving ex-step grand kids!) that irritate or upset us.

You will be a lot happier and more relaxed if you try not to let this kind of situation get to you because it's not something you have a lot of control over and isn't a problem at the present time. Good luck though and I hope things work out!

I understand this completely. My husband is heavily influenced by his mother and ex-wife.
It is a very scarey place to be.