Spoke to band teacher
and took one of the instruments back.
Made sure that skid has an instrument to practice on until BM acquires a rental for him.
In the meantime, I am becoming increasingly aware of what a toxic, enabling codependent relationship DH has with BM. Each game she plays- with payments, communication, chicken with activities (or payments or communications!), alienation......he is completely enmeshed with.
He has reached out to a therapist to help with breaking these patterns and stripping this lunatic of the power she continues to wield for some ungodly reason in this household. Which I must say is much less than we used to let her wield....but around financial matters, it always amps up. And sadly we'll never be done with finances- after sports and school supplies and camps and instruments, it will be college and weddings. Boy do I wish we had "FU money"- and then we could basically ignore whatever crazy she comes up with next, while it's still smallish beans.
Thank you to those who advised me to ditch the contract and make her responsible for something- hereiam, babybugged, notthemomma.
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Comments
I can't help myself, every
I can't help myself, every time I read your band camp posts I think of American Pie! "This one time at band camp ..."
Monchichi, I think that at
Monchichi, I think that at each and every band concert- at DS's final concert of the year, his teacher advertised for his band camp that he's running this summer. LOL...
I hope he doesn't play a
I hope he doesn't play a flute }:)
Thank goodness, as of yet
Thank goodness, as of yet (still time for DS4) none of our kids play the flute!!! And it's a lovely instrument- but that movie cast a shadow that none in our generation will forget :jawdrop:
I'm glad he's willing to try
I'm glad he's willing to try and change it. It can be VERY hard to change that dynamic.
He has to change the way he deals with her, basically change her picture of who he is. She sees him as submissive to her because she has his kids, and that she holds all of the power, so he needs to change who he is with her.
BM over here was like that with my DH. He tried to get his name off of a checking account after they split but the bank needed her signature, also. So, he calls her and she tells him she'll do it whenever she feels like it. Half of that money was his but he didn't take a penny of it when she kicked him out, she knew he wouldn't. Ya know, because of the kids (and he's just not like that, he's a NICE guy).
Anyway, he'd had enough of her crap and told her she had until the end of the day to get his name off of it or he would take the money out. She said, "I know you won't do that to the kids," (one of which was not even his but he raised him).
His whole demeanor and voice changed and he told her, very calmly, "I know that the kids will be fine. If you don't take my name off of that effing account today, I will take every penny and there's not a damn thing you can do about it." By the time he called the bank, his name was off of the account. She was not used to him using that tone with her and he NEVER cusses. She knew he was serious.
She didn't completely stop her bullshit but there were certain lines she knew not to cross and one of them was money. She took such advantage of him when they were together (yes, he allowed it) that she knew she would not get one extra dime on top of child support.
Several times, she tried using the kids to manipulate him in some way and each time, he called her bluff.
Thing is, they have 50/50. He
Thing is, they have 50/50. He does not pay child support and neither does she. Skids go to school in her town. Their CO says they need to DISCUSS activities, they are supposed to SHARE cost of things but she always finds a way not to.
He needs to stop paying for
He needs to stop paying for stuff that is not discussed with him and not agreed upon. As long as she thinks he will keep doing it "for the kids" she will never stop. Never.
discuss does not mean give
discuss does not mean give in, right?
this is one way you can make her responsible for something. We had to do the same thing with Medusa when it came to ASS'S percussion stuff (before he switched to trombone). We bought sticks and instruments for our home, and told her to get her own.
She bitched and complained and demanded that we let ASS take the instruments, music books/stands back and forth.
NOPE. you want him to have stuff at your house? Get it your damn self.
" And sadly we'll never be
" And sadly we'll never be done with finances- after sports and school supplies and camps and instruments, it will be college and weddings.
Presumably said children will be adults and DH can shift the partner he discusses matters with to be you and the adult. He can tell the adult "This is what we can contribute" and then contribute that much. The adult child can deal directly with BM for any contribution from her, and ensure that all debts are covered in full.
Honestly, after the age of majority, I don't understand people who think they are forever tied to the other parent. They are tied only if they want to be tied. There is no need to "parent" adults, after all...
That is a really, really good
That is a really, really good point. No doubt she'll keep trying. But maybe by that time he'll be out of this tendency to want to second-guess and pussyfoot around whatever mood or whim or episode she's having in order to have things work out alright for the skids. I so want them to see her for what she is. I think breaking this pattern will put her behavior in the spotlight. Or maybe it won't; who the hell knows what will happen with a narcissist? Either way, it will greatly reduce the power she has here.