Finances - Stepkids vs My child - the final straw!
I have been on the fence about my marriage for a while. I have two ss's, 16 & 13 - the 16 year old is tolerable, the 13 year old is determined to ruin my marriage any way he can. And it's been working.
Dh is, like the typical dad, blind to the games and bullshit. I get it. Read enough stories, seen enough examples to know it's a universal issue with these guys.
BM is a deadbeat and pays so little in CS that it wouldn't even cover one weeks worth of groceries.. She never contributes to anything financially. She is a joke.
The final straw is over finances and the bullshit DH's thinks I should do. Let me start by saying I have a pretty damn good job. I work from home and it's a sales job - so I'm the one helping with all the transportation, doctors appointments, etc. Which is fine for the most part.
I also make more than DH when you factor in my salary, expenses and commission. Then on top of this I get a nice lump of CS from my ex husband - with whom I have shared parenting.
DH does not make enough to cover his and the boys lifestyle. What I mean by this is: Abercrombie, Hollister, Nike.. sports related clothing that is expensive, braces, medications (one kid has OCD, the other ADHD (but really he's just an asshole and you can't medicate for that)), glasses, contacts and.. both play football (we live in a pay to play district - 500/kid to play) and the other plays basketball (400 to play).. oh and DH is too proud to apply for financial assistance for them to play sports..
Not only do I make more and ALL my money from work goes to this home - and to take care of two kids who treat me like scum and a DH who appreciates nothing, but now DH is telling me my CS has to go into the shared checking account as well. Nope! I make more than enough to cover my share of expenses and my child's.. and she is only here 50% of the time as opposed to his kids, 100% of the time.
I sacrifice and cut back with regards to my daughter and my expenses for this home. Her and my clothing is bought at resale shops, Target, etc. She even takes care of peoples pets as a source of extra income.. the stepkids do no such thing. In fact, we have to pay the older one to mow the damn lawn..
I used to put the CS in our checking account to help out when DH lost his job. It was a favor and I was trying to be nice. Now DH just expects it and is literally demanding it. I told him "No, it is in fact ILLEGAL for him to tell me what to do with this money when I make enough to cover my expenses in the home for my child on my paycheck alone" - he has NO rights to this money.
So, I told DH that I'm no longer putting CS in the shared account. That it's now going into an account for my daughter.. and DH tells me "No - it needs to go to the house".. and so the argument began.. I stood my ground and said "it's not my fault you don't make enough and neither does your ex wife, to support your kids." My daughter has two parents that work and support her - that is our job. It is not my job to give her money to you and your kids. I make more than enough to cover our share and there is extra left over that I contribute as well. Make due with that money. The CS isn't yours."
I can not believe this man thinks he is entitled to this money. Especially when I make more than enough to cover expenses. How can he not see this isn't his? Am I a dumbass for being blown away by this attitude he has?
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Comments
I am speechless regarding his
I am speechless regarding his attitude towards your DD's child support. I am livid for you.
I think, after this, I'd know
I think, after this, I'd know what side of the fence I'd be on if I were you.
Does your DH work?
Speechless is the correct
Speechless is the correct word. CS is FOR THE CHILD. Not the man child who doesn't even support his own self and offspring.
I agree, he has zero right to
I agree, he has zero right to tell you how to spend that CS. You are contributing to the household and if he wants the expensive extras for his kids then he should go get a second job.
I would cut way back on what
I would cut way back on what I contribute to the household. I mean you should only be paying for 2/5 of the bills. If his sons want to play sport maybe they should get jobs. See through your current commitment then tell Daddyo the gravy train has derailed.
Time for a Plan B.
The "Final Straw" means:
The "Final Straw" means: That's it. I'm done. I see what my value is in this home and I'm done with the whole mess. I contribute more than I should, and would be happy to continue this - if I was respected and saw DH trying to get a better job and make more money. I understand things can be tough and life tosses you curveballs from time to time, but you do your best, bust your ass and keep your ass moving forward. DH hates his job and doesn't make enough to cover his ass.. does he do a damn thing to improve this? Nope.. just wants to have access to my CS so he can maintain an unreasonable standard of living to keep his ungrateful brats happy. Not at my child's expense, he isn't. BM needs to work two jobs and so does he. Not my problem if they aren't happy. Too bad.
Its not my fault they can't support their kids.. and it's not my daughters fault either. Both of her parents work and take care of their shit and why in the hell should we have to carry someone else's burden? I get tossed in my face "you signed up for this".. uh no, I didn't. I signed up to be married to a responsible adult who would be ashamed to ask a woman to give him her CS to support him and his kids..
Whoo boy! You have a selfish
Whoo boy! You have a selfish asswipe of a hubby!! I'm gobsmacked at his audacity!! TELLING you that your CS should be used for him?? Did he get struck by lightning in the last storm or something?? Good golly Miss Molly, I'd be laughing my ass off at him if this wasn't serious.
Sounds like you're a go-getter and you can do much, much better on your own without him. Men like this have a habit of taking their spouses down with them when they have selfish attitudes - make sure he doesn't do this to you.
You are absolutely right. He
You are absolutely right. He is a joke. I'm seeing his true colors and it's sad, really. When he wanted to get full custody of his kids, I supported him.. he was at a job that paid next to nothing and I said "we will make it work" because I loved him and knew he wanted to have his kids. I worked at a job I hated at the time and wasn't making a ton.. but it was more than he was and I gave every dime to the home. I knew I needed to make more, so I did what any ADULT would do - I stuck it out and looked for a better job.. and I found one. DH.. he did very little to find another job that paid more.. eventually got let go and was on unemployment.. who carried us? Me. Me and my CS got us through.
This has happened a few times over the past two years since we have had custody of the kids.. and now I'm done giving more than I should. And for this, I'm being called selfish. Ok fine. I'm selfish for not enabling him to be a loser anymore.
LOL.. I'm big on making
LOL.. I'm big on making lists and I already made one.. and there wasn't one thing on it as "good".. isn't that sad? I literally don't think there is one thing making me stay in this marriage.. nothing. I have put up with too much shit for too long - trying to make it right and I hit that point where I go "nope" toss up my hands and say "game over"
He had a great job right
He had a great job right before we married, but he hated the hours and being stuck in an office all day. I understood this and was nice when he said he needed to change... so he left there when he got an offer from another place.. only it was a "draw" for a few months, then commission.. he was lazy, made excuses and didn't make any sales.. then was unemployed. We relied on my CS then because we had to.. and of course now he expects this all the time.
What an idiot.
What an idiot.
so, are you going to leave
so, are you going to leave him or are you going to quit financing his kids' lifestyle? I went through this, too. we got in a very bad fight and he moved in with his mother. he was begging to come back after a week or so, but before I allowed him to I gave my dh a list of what needed to happen first. #1 on the list was for him to get a second job so that he not only took care of his child support and any extras he wanted to give his kids but he was to contribute half of our household expenses as well as set money aside for retirement, vacations, etc. if there was any money left over after this household's obligations were met, it was his to do as he wanted. I explained to him that when he married me, he took on ANOTHER obligation to me and our home that he had to meet as well as taking care of his kids. this marriage wasn't a free ride in any sense of the word for him. if it worked out that all he could do was take care of us and his child support, then I guess skids didn't get all their "wants". his kids are entitled to whatever their PARENTS can afford, has nothing to do what I can afford. it worked for us. he loved me enough to step up to the plate and do what he had to do to save our marriage, although I still have to be on the lookout for him taking advantage of me (which SUCKS). I STILL may make him leave one day, but he has an understanding now on what marriage is. he had to be educated. maybe your dh needs a little 'learning too?
My first "move" is to stop
My first "move" is to stop putting any of my finances into a shared account. Then tell him I'm only doing what I'm obligated to do from now on. That he can't treat me like shit and expect me to contribute every penny I have to him and his kids - life doesn't work like that. You can't treat a person like dirt and keep sticking your hand out, expecting them to give you their all when you give nothing in return. So I'm taking it back.. all of the extra I give - is gone. Done.
If he doesn't like it, too bad. Either he shapes up and changes his attitude or I'm on to the next step. Moving out. I don't owe him or his kids anything.
***standing
***standing ovation!!!!***
Don't buy his brats any Christmas/holiday presents this year either. That should be a HUGE wakeup call for them!
Greedy lazy people drive.me.crazy!!!!!
I agree that your DH should
I agree that your DH should be covering 3/5 of the household expenses since his 2 skids live there full time. If he and BM can not afford the lifestyle they think skids are entitled to, it should NOT come at your or your DD expense. Perhaps, getting a better or second job?
You had nothing to do with creating or deciding to create those skids. You did create DD and are responsible for her alone (you sound like a great accountable mom). You have allowed DH and his kids to take advantage of your kindness and generosity. I understand that you were being a partner, it is your DH that has taken advantage of the situation. The fact that he thinks your DD's cs should be mutual funds demonstrates his selfishness and greed.
I would immediately stop letting him live outside his means to the detriment of your DD. Change your direct deposit to the joint account to cover 2/5 of the household expenses. Have the rest sent to another account with your name only. Continue to have cs separate. His reaction will tell you whether or not you and your DD matter to him or if both of you will always be secondary to him and his kids. And never settle for less than the best for you and your dd!