Oh, Yes. Dinner.
HA!
So Thursdays I am at home alone with SD12 while SD10 is at her karate lesson.
I usually make us dinner, something both of us will actually eat, which can be challenging, but she seems to enjoy the evening alone with me to talk about stuff she doesn't want DP to know (girl stuff) and to have time away from her sister. So last night I come home, she pops upstairs to say hello. I go into the kitchen to start dinner and she asks what I'm making. I tell her and she's all exited, one of her favorites. Then she immediately leaves the kitchen to go back to her room to (binge) watch a tv series.
Huh. I say to myself. No offer to help, no staying to chat, no nothing. Well, I'm not going to extend myself then. (her disappearing at opportune times has also been noticed by DP)
So I make dinner, clean up, eat, put away my things, and watch a little of a show, still no SD12 so I put away her food in the fridge.
Almost an HOUR later SD12 comes up, looks in the kitchen, "Where's dinner?!"
Me: "In the fridge."
SD12: "Why?!"
Me: "You never showed up. It was out for an hour."
SD12: "But you never told me it was ready."
Me: "I don't cater. You disappeared."
SD12: glare, glare, gets her food and takes it to her room (which I do NOT agree with but I have no say over it b/c DP doesn't back me up, so he is in charge of clean up when they go back to BMs) and leaves her stuff on the counter.
Me: Shrug and go back to my show.
DP comes home, I tell him about it. He is in agreement with me, but then starts making excuses for SD12..."Well, you didn't tell her, she's used to that...but then again, I hate having to get her too." "She was probably busy." (yeah, watching her show DP, so busy)...etc. and that I could have done X or Y. WELL!
"DP, I am NOT her parent."
But you kind of are...
"No I am NOT and I cannot set those types of rules because you don't let me. Notice you just make a bunch of excuses for her instead of backing me up."
Oh, I didn't realize that, it's not what I meant.
"Ok, but you have to realize that's exactly what I hear. You need to figure out a way of dealing with her...It's not like she's doing homework or has friends over or is outside doing something; in those cases, yes, I would let her know. I'm not going to do it."
So we talked a bit and came up with an idea that SD12 has a choice either 1) stay upstairs while dinner is prepped and help at least set the table or 2) go to her room and come up after a reasonable interlude - no one will let her know dinner is ready.
Can you tell which one is my idea and which is DPs?
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Hmmmmm, I have to admit I
Hmmmmm, I have to admit I find it easier to just give a yell upstairs or down or outside that dinner is ready. And I gave up expecting kids to help with anything unprompted. I just ask whoever is nearest if they would help set the table or whatever I need.
I do hate that kids these days just slink off to their rooms to avoid everyone and every chore that might come their way. So I get your frustration.
I've learned that it works wonders to praise one of the other kids for their help in front of everyone including the hermit.
Ok, reading between the line,
Ok, reading between the line, you felt like she snubbed you and so you were passive aggressive in not telling her that dinner was ready.
She is 12 years old. They are fairly self absorbed and you should feel lucky that she sometimes will grace your presence with hers and chat about "girl stuff". I mean, is it so hard to let someone know that dinner is ready? Do you live in a 10,000 foot mansion? Have you never gotten engrossed in a movie, book or another activity where you don't realize the time? You are taking something personally that was not meant that way. She cannot read your mind.
If you want her to stick around and help you cook, TELL HER. Use your words! If you want her to set the table and clear each night, TELL HER. She doesn't know what you "think" she should be doing if you don't give her more than a hint.
So, Back the truck up and think about the fact that what is really bothering you is that you feel like she snubbed you and took you for granted. Next time she comes in and asks what's for dinner say, "TACOS, Can you help me cut up the vegetables and then set the table? It will be ready in 30 minutes". Or, if you don't care if she helps you but you don't want to wander around to find her to tell her it's ready give her a time that she needs to appear. "Dinner will be ready at 5:45, come down a few minutes early so you can set the table".
This isn't some huge horrid behavior. This is a young girl who was just a bit clueless about what your expectations were. Just because she wanted to chit chat last week doesn't mean she didn't have other things on her mind this time and didn't feel like having a gab fest. I think you need to cut her some slack. If you want her to help, just tell her.
Funny, I have an old fashion
Funny, I have an old fashion dinner bell hanging on the wall in my kitchen. I should start using it for more than decoration.
We have teen skids at my
We have teen skids at my house and each one of them is expected to alternate nights in which they help cook dinner and these are rules set forth by their father.
OK - gotcha. I really didn't
OK - gotcha.
I really didn't feel snubbed; even DP is tired of her always making herself scarce when dinner prep is underway. Oh wait, or ANY chore at all... HE'S even talked with her about it. But you know what? No ramifications.
And yelling to her doesn't help (earphones or volume up so loud she can't hear so one has to personally go find her).
I guess I was just thinking back to how I grew up and that if I didn't have chores, homework or friends over that if it was dinner time we were helping. And that if someone was actively cooking that dinner would likely be ready very soon and to check in.
I'll chat with DP about it again this weekend and see if he might actually do something.
glad you clarified, cover.
glad you clarified, cover. when you said "No offer to help, no staying to chat, no nothing. Well, I'm not going to extend myself then." i came to the same conclusion as esmod.
i would suggest catching her in the act "woah woah woah not so quick, this will be done soon - could you set the table?"
Yeah, I'll catch myself next
Yeah, I'll catch myself next time.
The issue with SD12 and food is that she is extreme...I've mentioned before she's an extreme picky eater...she still eats pretty much like a 5 y.o. and mostly just white food. Literally. Amazingly picky about texture. I have tried to get her to help in the kitchen with food prep but textures/smells are a visible problem - she just wasn't 'normal' around food items. We can get her to set tables/empty dishwasher.
She also does make her own foods: white mac-n-cheese, fish sticks, cup o'noodle, plain noodles. That's about it. I make her clean up her kitchen mess if I am there alone; DP tends to interfere with my directions or do it himself. She will not help with dirty dishes if they are not hers, especially if they held something she doesn't eat (almost everything).
The difference in teaching her to work with food vs. SD10 is like night and day. SD10 doesn't care one iota about texture/smell/raw food at all. She's fascinated with learning how things go together.
I'll perhaps work with SD12 on those Thursdays with setting table more often and with emptying the dishwasher and cleaning the counter...
oh i'd forgotten about that.
oh i'd forgotten about that. i was very much like her, not so much with smells but with texture. and i certainly would not TOUCH something i wouldnt eat. WHEN I WAS FOUR....
funny enough, it was that which made mom bring my brother and i back to dad's shortly after their separation. mom's been very poor her whole life. at that point in time we had no choice but to live with her friend, and her friend's two kids. one time we (the kids) were alone for a little bit, and the girl squished grapes all into the livingroom shag carpet. her mom walked back in and both her kids said i did it. the mom washed my mouth out with soap for lying to her. when mom got home she freaked the eff out cuz she KNEW i wouldnt touch a grape, let alone squish it. let alone squish like thirty. she could not afford to live anywhere else and she sure as h3ll was NOT going to subject us to that kind of treatment. a life-altering moment, but all because of my treatment of certain food.
but i got over it. i was expected to help, no questions asked. it was just an expectation "tuff i need you to chop up this onion." and i would suck it up and somehow got through it. then i learned how to handle another food. and another. i developed my own coping mechanisms.
i still eat the same way i did as a child. but my other "oddities" are things that i've learned to manage. your sd sounds like she could benefit from a bit of help, so by all means try to keep her in the kitchen as you cook. if she hates tomatoes but sees you cut one up 150 times, maybe the 151st time she'll try it because she knows the outcome already. a sort of in-home CBT.
ps- to this day i still dont eat grapes. or onions.
good advice. I will take
good advice. I will take it!
She was freaked out over using the gas stove but I made her do it over and over and over until she was ok with it. Maybe I'll start out working with her on prepping fish - she likes fish. She just hasn't handled raw fish much (yeah, she's super sensitive to smell/texture/flavor but she likes fish...but won't touch veggies other than cauliflower - white - or fruit).
Yeah, I think I'm going to
Yeah, I think I'm going to split the difference.
Everyone's input was super helpful.
If I am there alone with SD12 that night and if I am making dinner she will be helping in some way. She helps, no issues.
If she doesn't then that's her choice and I won't cater. She wants to "watch her show" then go on and do that, just don't expect maid- or butler- service announcements and work.