Bad A$$ Girl vs Worthless BM
I can't believe how bad ass my skid is! For a recap, SO and I raise SD13 and SS11 full time. BM is a drunk, child support evader and just like every addict, nothing is her fault, ever. BM's mom, the raisin, must have turned BM's phone back on since BM has been MIA on Facebook for quite some time. The raisin likes to enable her daughter for a few months and then get mad when BM is still doing alcoholic things, like passing out and getting fired, and then cuts her off financially. With her new found internet access and mobile device, BM found SD 13 on Facebook and decided to guilt trip her about our baby on the way and such. SD didn't pull any punches on this one. This is the conversation:
BM: Congratulations to you and your new family. I heard you want nothing to do with me, so I've been respecting your wishes.
SD13: I never said I want nothing to do with you, I said I want nothing to do with drunk you. I hate that person. You're probably drunk right now, in fact I know you are. Thanks for the late night guild trip about my new baby sister, it's exactly what I want to hear from you when it's the first time I've talked to you in a year.
BM: I've been very responsible with alcohol since I left your father. I've been respecting your wishes since you and your father decided you don't want to see me anymore. I love you and think about you every minute of every day.
SD13: There is no such thing as responsible with alcohol for you. If you loved me then why didn't she try? Why didn't you show up to court and try to get visitation? You literally just ditched the hearing! Now you go missing for a year and want to try to blame it on dad and me! It's unbelievable! Why can't you be like a normal mom?
BM: (A bunch more I love you's and think about you's) The child support checks come right out of my paycheck, I can't afford $300 a month in child support and $300 a month for UA's like your father wants. I also still owe back support but I will continue to pay it forward( A bunch more I love you's and am loving you from a distances)
At this point, SD forwards me the messages and asks if her mother has "paid anything for her." As she is 13 going on 30 I was honest and told her not a dime. And her father wanted BM to take two UA's a week for 6 weeks with a random one that could pop up at anytime and then he would be willing to lower them if she did good for the 6 weeks. It's alcohol, you can't just test once a week for it. But the tests cost $30 I think, she just has to show up to take the test.
SD said she would call her mom a liar, but instead she just ignored her because it would hurt her more... DAMN!??!
I'm proud of her, BM has been telling anyone who will listen that SO and I cut her off from the kids so she doesn't have to work at anything. And now apparently she thinks she pays child support.
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Comments
I'm sorry that your poor SD
I'm sorry that your poor SD has to go through having a POS mother like that. But it sounds like she has a good sense of what is right and wrong and that she will be okay in spite of it all.
Because my father never could hold a job I knew by age 14 that I could never depend on a man for my financial well being. Pretty ahead of the times back in the 50s. But it served me well, and I was motivated to get a great education and to have fabulously successful career.
I predict a good life for your SD. She will end up as different from her bio mom as she can get.
Sometimes life makes you grow
Sometimes life makes you grow up fast huh? Thanks for your kind prediction.
I have so much respect for
I have so much respect for you, Carol.....
I'm well aware alcoholism is
I'm well aware alcoholism is a disease. Guess what, I stopped drinking at 23 because I could see myself spiraling out of control. Her mother went to rehab twice and literally didn't make it a day once she got out of rehab before she stopped drinking. This is because she didn't care to try. She used to drop her kids off at the neighbors while my SO was at work and let the neighbors raise them. She was offered help during the divorce and declined it.
Then she likes to act like she was mother of the year while drinking. She is also 100% victim in everything. She apparently tried so hard to get sober and my SO who supported the family on his own for years and supported her through both rehab attempts didn't try hard enough for her. And now he isn't trying hard enough to let her have a relationship with her children. Everything is his fault, not hers.
My SD is allowed to choose if she wants to take to her mother or not. I'm not going to make her block her mother from facebook. It's her choice and if her mother doesn't get her act together soon, I'm pretty sure she will make it. If I ban her from the tiny little contact she has her with her mother now, she will grow up playing the "What if game" thinking maybe she could have saver her mother. Ultimate it's her fathers decision anyway. And her therapist thinks she is a well adjusted young lady and thinks we are handling this situation in the best way we can. We don't bash her mother at all. And yes, Carol, it is taught in our house that alcoholism is a disease and BM needs help but she has had chances and we can't make her go to rehab.
"I hope that your SD who is
"I hope that your SD who is 13 going on 30 is in therapy now, because I guarantee it she will need it before she hits the age of majority since you insist on bringing adult issues into the fragile mind of a kid"
I think the above statement is utter bullshit. I had an aunt who died of alcoholism when I was 11 years old. I am very grateful that my family was upfront and honest about it. I had another aunt who was married to an alcoholic. None of that was kept hidden either. It made me a much better person and more empathetic and realistic when dealing with addiction because I recognized the reality of it. Lies and avoidance cause way more problems than being honest.
Yes alcoholism is a disease - but there is no reason to hide it. Breast cancer is also a disease that many hid for years also.
I would never condemn anyone who has a disease - but I also think people who choose not to treat a disease are stupid as shit. Yes - not all treatments work. Not everyone can overcome addiction - just like not everyone can beat cancer.
But lies and avoiding treatment are just bullshit.
Exactly. And why is this 13
Exactly. And why is this 13 year old kid acting way older than her age??? As a child of an alcoholic parent, I can say it's because of the actions of the alcholic parent. The black outs, the lashing out, the abandonment and not from receiving love and support from stepmom. I am pretty sure one of the steps of AA is to take responsbility for one's behavior and the hurt one has caused. This is blame shifting. That's what makes a child grow up way too early and not the stepmom answering an honest question from a teenager on if her mom pays child support. The 13 year old knew the answer.
And mommy dearest started out her actions with guilt and manipulation and the 13 year old called her out on it! I say she is wise and mature. A lot of kids at this age with such a parent would have their heart strings pulled and be pulled right back into that cycle of abuse where they are loved and then ditched and loved and then ditched. A lot of these kids concede to these crappy kind of parents wishes and lash out at dad and stepmom because they are trying to please that long absent parent.
OP, you have every right to be disgusted with her mother and every right to be proud of your step daughter.
Thank you!! And it's nice to
Thank you!! And it's nice to see a child of an alcoholic grow up to have some sense. I'm so happy my SD isn't like some of these poor kids I read about on this site. Getting their hopes up because their worthless BM is going to come see them this weekend and then get their hearts broken.
I hope she doesn't grow up trying to please this woman, but she seems to be on the right track.
Thank you!! And it's nice to
Thank you!! And it's nice to see a child of an alcoholic grow up to have some sense. I'm so happy my SD isn't like some of these poor kids I read about on this site. Getting their hopes up because their worthless BM is going to come see them this weekend and then get their hearts broken.
I hope she doesn't grow up trying to please this woman, but she seems to be on the right track.
Plus, BM is the one who
Plus, BM is the one who brought up CS...NOT the OP. The OP just answered a simple question with the TRUTH.
Agreed. I quit drinking
Agreed. I quit drinking because I could never see the benefits of it. I never hit rock bottom but I also bar tended for years. I've seen terrible things when it comes to addictions and worked with people like BM. Some of them kept using and vanished and some of them got sober and clean and are still in my life today. I have a dear friend who had to work really hard to earn her children's hearts back...but she did.
I support anyone who is trying to beat addiction but I will not pity someone who has had 2 rehab stays (fully paid for by her father who she now hates because he too has called her on her bs) and has been an alcoholic for 20 years. She knows she has a problem, I've heard her admit it. She knows that getting sober is the only way she will ever get a chance to see her kids again, my SS 10 even told her that to her face.
Please keep in mind, I met these kids a few years ago, they've always been well aware of adult issues. I'm not going to tell her Child Support isn't her business when she is already pretty up to par as far as the situation goes. I think she absolutely has a right to know that he mother spends her money on Jack Daniels instead of her. It's the truth.
I think you hit the nail on
I think you hit the nail on the head. She's had several chances to get sober as well.
I am a firm believer in
I am a firm believer in telling children the truth, in an age appropriate manner. I also believe that by the time a child hits puberty and begins the road to mental maturity then parents; bio and step, should be able to up the frankness.
The OP has already stated that this girl is 13 going on 30, so sounds like shes pretty mature, we all know that girls can mature far faster than boys. OP is doing absolutely nothing wrong by answering her questions with honesty.
For OPs SD she is tired of the games and right now she wants pure facts, she wants her BM to be off alcohol and she wants to know if she can trust a word that comes out of her mouth. She clearly thinks/sees payment of CS as a step in BM wanting to do something rather than just make excuses. This is SDs life and she is perfectly entitled to feel that way.
For those that say addiction is a disease, I sometimes find that a difficult pill to swallow. I have family members that I have seen fall into the downward spiral of addiction. My MIL herself is an alcoholic, who my DH has cut off contact after 20 years of repeating the same cycle of: addiction, health issues, rock bottom, cry for help, rehabilitation clinic, assisted living, self proclamation of cure, independent living...and back to the bottle.
He had been her main support, his two brothers had never assisted in her day to day living, or recovery, it was always my DH at her side through hospital appointments, counselling and I guess in the end he ran out of energy.
Do I feel this woman is suffering from a disease? No, Im sorry I do not. I see a woman who has been given every chance to break her addiction, who manages to do so very well in rehabilitation and with heavy support. But will not break the cycle, every time she removes herself (after a steady time sober so by no means under the influence) and every time returns to drink.
She does it when she is alone, she clearly cannot bare to be in her own company. Does she have demons? Oh god yes, and do I find that incredibly sad? Yes I do but and heres the but, the only one with the power to change her life is her now. She has let drink rule her life for over 30 years, ruined the childhoods of all three of her children and I am sure she feels guilt over that but she is firm in her thinking of herself as a victim and that is why she will never be cured. She will never win because she is a victim only of herself.
Tragic? Yes, but a disease? Addiction is ultimately a chosen disease, everyone deserves help, everyone deserves support but not if they do not acknowledge that.