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Aftermath of SD13 missing the bus

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

DH arrived home just before midnight last night. My blood sugar crashed crazy low and I almost fell back asleep without doing enough for it. I got my ass downstairs at 1am and ate more snacks. Usually the morning after a "low", my sugar will be sky high. It was a mere 92 this morning. I was probably at 25 - 30 last night when the episode hit. It was most likely due to stress.

I had texted DH this morning to make sure SD13 showered since he forgot to remind her yesterday when he texted her while on his trip. I also asked him to have her wash her mattress pad because it hasn't been washed in the two years that we have lived here. SD13 has been sleeping on her mattress pad lately. So, DH asked her to wash her sheets and didn't remind her to shower. She smells like a musty old sock and I have been getting more whiffs of her lately. Ew.

My evening tonight had been going ok, I even worked 1-1/2 hours OT so that shows you how much I want to be at home. DH and I are still very tired from the week's events (he was out of town, I almost killed SDog and almost locked SD13 in the shed, not really, but......) So, we order delivery. I ask DH to give SD13 the Febreze and mist her mattress while the pad is being washed. She left the PAD on the bed. DH told her kindly to wash her mattress pad and she was sulking. He kept on speaking calmly and nicely and told her to spray her mattress. He ignored the attitude. Then dinner arrived.

DH is heavy into the NHL playoffs and the game is on. I am watching TV also as SD13 is sitting across the table from me. She is MOPING. She is having serious internet withdraw. She's "not hungry" and I am interacting with her as little as possible. Although I DO offer her more chicken, treating her respectfully, but noting the attitude. So, then SD13 turns to look over her shoulder at the TV behind her. Her short messy hair is greasy and stuck to her head. She looks disheveled and almost homeless. DH notices NOTHING, because he is a DH. I ask, "Did you shower this morning?" SD13 replies, "No." Moon: "Oh, did you shower last night?" SD13 replies: "No, I did not." I ask, "So you haven't showered since Tuesday?" I am being even-toned and a bit pleasant, considering what went down with the school bus episode. SD13 replies, "I showered Wednesday." I look at her and immediately say, "No, you didn't. You haven't showered since Tuesday night." I look at DH and say " I texted you to remind her to shower this morning." DH briefly glances away from the NHL game and says to SD13, "You need to shower. After the first period (of the hockey game)."

SD13 continues to sit at the table, not eating anything else. She doesn't want to leave her dear Daaaad-deee. So she starts clinking her spoon around in her glass, quite annoying. She is acting out because DH is totally engrossed in the game and not paying her any attention. My demeanor changed suddenly. I look over at SD13 and say, "Do you MIND? That's very distracting." SD13 got up, moped around the kitchen and went upstairs. She is on her third load of laundry (mattress pad is in the wash) and she gets into the shower. Her showers have been very short lately, maybe 8 minutes where they used to be closer to 20. She never smells like soap but I checked this week and she's been using it, or whatever. It's disappearing.

I'm in my room reading my blog from yesterday and I've left a video open on the computer. I shut it down and there is all of the texting between SD13 and DH from yesterday. She also texted OSD19 at school, who thankfully didn't say anything bad via text. She never has,

I have never been so hurt in my life! This is the text between DH and SD13 while she was waiting at school yesterday.

SD13: TELL MOON TO GET OVER HERSELF. DON'T EXPECT ME TO COME HOME EVER AGAIN. I HATE YOU ALL AND I WANT TO DIE. GET OVER YOURSELVES.
DH: CHILL LITTLE FELLA
SD13: NO. I HATE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH YOU DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND. You can tell Moon to not pick me up lolllll! I found another way to get home lolollzzzolol!!
DH: Are you serious? You found a ride?
SD13: I respect those who respect me. It goes both ways. As does disrespect. Moon has disrespected me too many times. I am NOT tolerating it anymore.
DH: Chill. Did you find a ride?
SD13: Yes, I just told you that if you were reading. Hah, ironic.
DH: Who?
SD13: Tutor bus. Don't worry, I'm not going in the house. I won't bother monarch Moon.
DH: You need to stop. I don't appreciate that tone. She left work immediately to come get you.
SD13: She said she didn't go to work, though. Am I being lied to?
DH: Oh I didn't knw that. I'm a long way from home.
SD13: Obviously. If only Moon were too.
DH: Stop
SD13: Stop? Oh I'm only getting started son.
DH: OK smartass. When you get home you give up your iPod Touch. No computer until next week. Try me some more. And go to your room. I will deal with you in the morning.
SD13: Alright. Thank you for your time and consideration. If I'm alive in the morning.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

This is the blog from yesterday when she missed the bus......
http://www.steptalk.org/node/216473

I took the laptop down to DH and told him what I saw. I told DH I didn't need to see this crap on my computer (I know, I shouldn't have looked...)

I told him SD13 needs to stay in her room and THINK about how she "thinks" she's in charge around here. I told DH I didn't appreciate her attitude and he being so lax. I told him she doesn't deserve a break right now. He told me he's had a talk with her about this. I told him he needs to consider NO SCREEN TIME until next weekend, and an apology would be nice.

I feel like yelling at the two of them "What the FUCK is wrong with you people?" I even spoke to DH alone briefly after dinner about the shower thing. AGAIN. I said he really needs to remind her. I told DH that she stinks.

I am at the point where a lot of you are. Your skids are so gross or so annoying that you don't eat at the table with them. So many emotions right now. I don't want to be in this house with a gross SD13 and an absent parent. I won't have his attention until June when the Stanley Cup Finals are over! Then it will be some other distraction. I want to cry. I want to get away.

I have therapy tomorrow. I was going to concentrate on getting ready for OSD19 to get home from college. Oh btw, SD13 texted OSD that I wasn't even going to come pick her up. LOL Now I NEVER said that, did I? }:)

How do I fully disengage from this SD13 in my home? Because it's on. Just ignore everything? Let the house go to shit? Work a lot of hours? Now I understand what a lot of you were posting last year when I was new here......

Holy shit, what have I gotten in to? SD13 is a mini-wife in the making!!! DH keeps checking on her in her room, something he never does. He asked her to keep her door open. FML

~ Moon

Stormyweather's picture

I'm so sorry to hear of your dilemma... Does your SD13 live FT with you both?

I don't know what I would do but the thought of moving out and having a trial separation seems appealing as the issue will only get worse if your DH is never home to parent his own child. And shit, at 13 the teenage years are only just starting!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

You should get a load of OSD19. BM died over 2 years ago and DH and I got them FT.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

She missed the bus because she's irresponsible and..... slooooooooow. But now any time I call her out on something to teach her right from wrong, she calls it disrespect. It's called parenting and if DH would do it more often, it wouldn't be such a shock to her little pea brain.

I'm glad she's miserable right now because she needs to learn a lesson.

I really want to move out and not deal with this shit for awhile. When I asked DH about their talk this morning he said he was firm with her. I told him he'd better be, because she's starting to sound like her older sister!

Little POS. I'm going to fuck with her and flat out ignore her in my own home. Let her process THAT.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

To answer notasm....

DH and BM divorced in 2007, then DH and I met and started dating. We married in 2010 and BM was still alive. She had the SDs FT and DH had EOWE. BM died in early 2013.

It's not like BM died and DH was a widower. He and BM had already split.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Thanks for your thoughts. A girl can dream! I would have to leave my dogs and throw away all my money towards rent. I have never paid rent in my life.

Janemae's picture

I'm so sorry Moon (hugs). That's got to hurt like crazy it sounds exhausting, and so frustrating.

I don't have enough experience in this field yet to offer much advice, but wanted to send you some support and heartfelt empathy and hugs
J

Rags's picture

This is exactly why I have a zero tolerance, confront and destroy policy with the idiot blended family opposition regardless of who they are. You fuck with me or my bride and I destroy you. Period, I destroy you socially, financially, physically, emotionally, whatever it takes for you to gain clarity that you behave appropriately or you suffer.

SD is 13, had she pulled that shit and I were DH I would have met her at the door with a pillow case, her electronics, all of them, would have been in that case as soon as she walked in the door and I would have taken a hammer to them, then I would have put her over her bed with her nose buried in her toxic stinky matress pad and I would have taken my belt to her bare ass until she could not sit for a week. After lighting her ass up I would have dragged her to the back yard where I would have tossed her a bar of soap and gotten the garden hose and proceeded to blast her with the hose while instructing her to wash. If she gave me lip I would have threatened the power washer and to replace the bar of soap with a Brillo pad. Then I would have taken everything out of her room and put it on the curb for the trash man and given her a single little house on the prairie dress to wear to school complete with bloomers and very uncool Amish girl shoes. She fucks with me or my bride she is the most abjectly miserable snarky, smart mouthed, formerly hygiene deficient 13yo on the planet.

She would be eating nothing but bread and water, she would be begging for interface other than a belt to the ass, and she would be speaking to me and my bride in only the most polite and respectful terms or she would be suffering a stinging ass. If she missed bathing it would be immediately out to the back yard with the hose and a bar of soap.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

I have zero tolerance for this kind of crap and she would be begging for relief until she complied exactly with appropriate behavioral standards.

Grrrrr!! Give your DH a paddle and tell him to step up and start using it.

My Skid got these consequences, I outsourced them to Military School where compliance is mandatory and nonconformity is not tolerated. He gained clarity though not to the extent my dad, my little brother, and I did from our military school experience. It took keeping out foot up his ass until he realized the could comply or he could launch. His choice.

He launched.

Your SD should have a 5 year horizon of abject misery of she does not extricate her head from her ass and DH needs to bring the pain with zero tolerance until she does gain clarity. That he doesn't begs the question of why he does not care enough about your marriage or his kid to force the issue to conclusion regardless of how unpleasant that would be on his toxic, stanky spawn.

I suggest military school. Those kids would have SD-13 wincing, crying, and shuddering over the remotest thought of not doing what she was told when she was told to do it. And, it gets her the hell out of your life.

Rags's picture

Ditz is the professional. I suggest that she be the go to disciplinary consultant. The beauty of Military NCOs is that they are the professionals at getting performance out of older teens and younger 20's kids who suffer from periodic brain-fart-itis. I am merely an amateur in comparison.

For some reason that I have yet to discern, so many parents are wrapped up in being liked by their kids that they lose track of the absolute truth that their job is to raise their kids to a state of self sufficient viable adulthood. Interestingly the parents that cater to every whim of their spawn tend to be detested by their kids while the parents that insist on performance, boundaries, and acceptable behavior are revered by their kids.

Far too many adults are just to fricking stupid to gain clarity on this fact.

TheAccidentalSM's picture

I think tog is on to something here. Really great advise.

I've been reading your story for a while and the situation does seem super stressful do you need a mental break.

The only other thing I'd question is why is your DH prioritising sport ahead of his relationships with you and his daughter. He should be skipping this season and working on his marriage and children.

Take care and look after yourself.

Strengthh's picture

Dad has very little control. He is stupid, the girl now knows she can do whatever she wants. She is on your level. She deserves "respect" from you and only then will she "respect" you. In her 13 year old brain, she is an adult. That text conversation was so over the top disrespectful. Her dad took a tremendous amount of disrespect before shutting her down.

Her dad is a moron, his 13 year old will raise herself. Is raising herself. He better hope it turns out well. Cause all he can do is hope. He isn't parenting.

IslandGal's picture

Absolutely "Strengthh!" I agree totally!

We have the same shit going on except with us, it's now SD and BM. She does whatever the hell she wants, whenever the hell she wants. BM is parenting via guilt and is raising a selfish, egotistical, self-entitled, manipulative MONSTER!!

SO is helpless as BM refuses to allow him any say whatsoever.

SD still believes she is equal to SO and acts accordingly. HE must be the one to go crawling up her ass begging for forgiveness. For how dare he stand up for himself and refuse BM any say in his current life?!

Fail - just major epic fail. She is worse - much, much, much worse now.

Notacelebration's picture

Let it go, Moon. You have to for your own sake...disengage 100%
Even if my SD 17 does end up being pregnant, I won't have anything to do with any part of it.
Your DH needs to parent just as mine does. We can't fix any of it because we're not backed up by our DH's. They think they're doing a good job, take a step back, and let them see the results.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Thank you, everyone. Lots to reply to. For those of you who didn't read my other post, I saw my therapist for the first time last Tuesday, and again today. I have two appointments next week as well. Therapist wants DH to come in soon so we can get on the same page. He agrees with what many of you have posted -- DH needs to parent his child, needs to quit watching sports non-stop and be there for SD13.

Yes, SD13 has seen a therapist and I went to the last session with her and DH. The therapist assured me that they went through layers of grief counseling and that SD13 understands everything. Whatever that means.

I CALL *BULLSHIT* BECAUSE THE SKID HASN'T EVEN STARTED TO GRIEVE HER MOTHER!!!!

Except for to act out and also to have an identity crisis. I told my therapist today that it's working for her, so why should she stop? Although SD13 wants even MORE attention.

I came home and DH happily called SD13 into the kitchen. She held this little piece of plastic out to me, about the size of a nickel. I read her scratchy handwriting on it. "I am sorry I was mean. I was being a butt." I thanked her and said we should call a truce over these cupcakes I brought home. Awkward moment. In that moment as we stood around sampling cupcakes, I said, "I have to be honest with you, SD13. I saw all of the texts between you and Dad from the day you missed the bus." SD13 immediately hung her head down and said she was sorry. I think she meant it, but that's not to say she won't be an ass again next week.

DH further added, "SD13, you know Moon was actually on her way, DRIVING to come get you when you texted me that you were taking the late bus." SD13 was surprised and said "Oh?......" I could tell she felt bad. I stated to DH that I was surprised he hadn't told her this already. So, maybe I'm not all that bad, huh, SD13?

So the elephant is out of the room, but I am fully disengaging. I was mostly disengaged before, but the shower thing is driving me crazy! That's the first issue that my therapist wants to discuss with DH. He's watching golf right now. LOL

~ Moon

Rags's picture

Moon,

First, get your diabetes under control before you kill yourself. I have been a T-1 diabetic for nearly 35 years (since I was 16). As you are well aware it is not a disease that you can leave unmanaged.

Hypo episodes can be scary as you also well know. My little brother used to call them "Stupid Diabetic Tricks" when I would get loopy and not be able to function.

I suggest this book which is my Bible of diabetes management.

http://www.diabetes-book.com/

You can read a selection of the chapters from the above website. I keep multiple copies and when I meet someone who is struggling with the disease or newly diagnosed I give them a copy. I have given away several dozen copies in the 18+ years since I first read it. The techniques Dr. B recommends have completely eliminated catastrophic low BG levels for me. I will upon occasion go low but never any lower than mid 60s mg/dl which for me is well within the realm of being in control and easily corrected. With tight control I can easily remain in control to as low as the mid 20s mg/dl but those days are long past for me. Even better, hyperglycemic episodes are even rarer.

IMHO it is very important for you to give clarity to your DH that stress is a potential killer for you as stress can be a driver of out of control BG levels and his failure to step up and parent as well as to keep his kid under control is adversely impacting your health. He needs to clearly understand that engaging in discussions with her like the text conversation you mention above rather than blistering her bare teen ass with a belt and giving her absolute clarity is tantamount to actively causing you health problems.

Buy the book, read it, have DH read it, and buy him a paddle and tell him to step up. First by cutting off all of the Skid's digital communications and second by applying some analog com to her bare ass with the paddle.

As my grandmother used to say "If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel!" Time for the skid to get to feeling and for your DH to bring the stimulus to that education process.

Your DH needs to understand your disease nearly as well as you do. It is far easier to manage when the whole household is knowledgeable and follows the same diet and low stress lifestyle.

Interestingly I have been battling with my bride on and off for years to adopt a low CHO diet model in our home. It makes it easier on me from a diabetes management perspective and we both keep our weight under much better control. Interestingly she battled me on and off for years on this but when the Skid was Dx’d with Lactose Intolerance she immediately got on board with a lactose free and low CHO nutrition plan that we have been following very diligently . I give her complete shit about fighting me on it yet immediately getting on board with the Skid is Dx’d with the lactose intolerance. She gives me THE look and then sais “I know, I know, don’t push it buddy!”.

Take care of yourself. Please. I do not want to hear about any stupid diabetic tricks coming from you.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I may tell DH that it's useless to keep spending money out-of-pocket for SD13's therapy, because the therapist isn't on our health plan. Our health plan is very generous and the guy I have started seeing isn't costing me much at all. The first three sessions have no copays through my employer's EAP. Yay! The problem is, is that this therapist is very good at dealing with transgender issues and supporting the teen with the issues. My concern is that last fall she told DH that SD13 is still "very much a girl," and DH and I continue to see evidence of this every day. We spoke about BM during that session I went to and no expression from SD13. It was like she checked out.

DH is taking SDs to the cemetery today for Mother's Day. He said it was a sad day. I said "Yes, it is" but also because I wish that BM were alive. Then I wouldn't be raising these SDs on my own. Sad SD13 was open to having a new therapist, so I'll do another search for someone in our healthcare network, who is covered. It may be time for DH to take her back to her pediatrician and get a referral, since she is "so depressed." Don't get me wrong, most of you know I am supportive of this Skid if she truly feels like a boy. I just think the "grieving" being done and over, and the acting like a boy are bullshit. Someone needs to get down to this Skid's core, and see what she's really made of, see whats REALLY going on inside that head.

~ Moon

ChiefGrownup's picture

Moon, this thread contains my first exposure to stories of your dh being glued to sports channel while kiddie is sitting there forlorn and fidgety.

I now believe part of the whole "I'm a boy now" charade is in part to try to get dad's attention. If she were really transgender we'd likely see her glued to sports channels, too. Instead, she sits there restless, not knowing what to say, can only think of "if i'm still alive!" instead of "Move over, I can't see the scoreboard" or "I already saw that game. Colts won."

In spite of my own sd's issues and ugly behavior, my dh has no trouble connecting to his girl and he has lots and lots of interactions whenever they're together. He knows the shows/games/activities/foods she likes. He tells her jokes, she chatters about school or whatever fluff spills out of her teen brain. He seeks out clips and movies and articles she'll be interested and shares them with her. They do little science tricks together. He has never, ever zoned out on his own stuff while she languished. She does not have to resort to dramatic statements or bizarre personas to get his attention. They are actually quite close, in spite of her bad behavior.

My dh also never has to call her "little fella" or "little princess" or anything like that. To me that in the text exchange was faux relating, not real relating. He's letting her take the lead on how to interact and she has no damn idea how to so they are both going through a bizarre pantomime that leaves the girl empty and longing for real connection.

If it were me, I would flat out tell my DH I can't watch this trainwreck. I'd give him a list of activities he can do to connect with his child, as a gesture of goodwill on my part since he seems so handicapped in this area, and say I expect to see you doing this with her every day. Allow yourself one game per week. If you can't do this, I can't watch it anymore. Get out of my house where I live with MY dogs. Move with sd anywhere you want. You can date me or divorce me after that, your choice. I can no longer be forced to watch you pretend to be a dad with your "little fellas" while your child goes off the deep-end.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Moon, I'm so sorry that you had to see those texts. But truthfully...you really already knew. I'm glad I never was party to interactions between DH and HHB because I KNOW this kind of stuff was said, but DH would never fess up to me! He has always tried to say she would say things like I was more of a mom to her than BM, and that she was just afraid I didn't like her..that she truly respected me and what I was trying to do for her. ***COUGH***BULLSHIT!!! I think it hurts more knowing that these girls can talk about us like they do, and our DHs just stay all calm and laid back never coming to our defense...never putting them in their place! THAT is what hurts! Seriously, I would have been demanding an apology from DH for not defending my honor with his entitled brat! It's good that she did apologize, but you and I both know...what is really going on? Is she just playing lip service because she was caught and she is hoping that "good deeds" will get her screen time back?

From what I've read recently, I also think you need to get the girl a different therapist. it wouldn't hurt to get a different perspective on the situation!

With exception of the transgender stuff, reading your posts these days is like watching reruns of my own life before HHB left! I hate that someone else is going through this crap!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

DH is very close with SD19 and SD13. He can really talk to them calmly and get into their heads when he needs to. Problem is, DH is so close with these Skids that he is more of a father than a friend. He will hang out and do a lot of things when SD19 is home for the summer. For example, they'll go to the gym together at 5:30am before work a few days a week. Tey will go to the movies together on the weekends (I HATE going to the movies, would rather watch at home.).

DH actually kept on SD13 this weekend, had her clean some, which she did after he asked for the third time. SD13 took her shower already, not sure if she used soap.

It's such a weird dynamic. He is a great supportive Dad, but he sucks as a parent, if that makes any sense. In other words, when the going gets tough and discipline needs to be handed out....DH sucks. That's why SD19 is a defiant bitch and we walk on eggshells around her. And really, symbolically, if you look at it.....SD13 is wanting to be a boy because she has NO BOUNDARIES. She is lost and yes Chief, she is acting out, vying for DH's attention. Most of the time she just plays quietly by herself in her fantasy world like a 7yo, and DH is contenet knowing that she is "OK."

But she's really not.

~ Moon

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I get what you mean exactly! DH used to always go to HHB's room to check on her, and end up sitting in her room with her chatting and giggling. They would go get slushies, ice cream, he would try to get her to watch tv with him. Like you said...supportive dad, terrible parent...more trying to be a friend than a parent! When it's time for some discipline...FAIL!