Their norm is not your norm. This is what I tell myself about my DH's family of origin.
Over the years, your DH and his kids have developed protocols for dealing with BM. Pretense and ignoring bad behavior are pretty common in steplife, but I hear you. Who wants to be a party to theft? Ugh.
My late MIL was a severe alcoholic. DH refused to invite her to our wedding, and I didn't know her well. One night, she called threatening to kill herself. Scared me badly, and I frantically called DH (who was at work) and his sisters. None of them were worried in the least, and they even laughed and joked about "mom being at it again". That was their normal.
All we can do is draw healthy boundaries for ourselves, and maintain disengagement.
I am so appreciative for these supportive comments. In the past I would make the mistake of ranting to DH about the situation the next day. I so appreciate the folks on this site who take time to share insights and give constructive feedback. I don't feel so alone.
I am seeing something in this that I never realized and it is helping me understand some of the behaviors that hurt me over the years. So here is my equation based on the feedback from some of you: BM has dubious moral fiber as demonstrated in stealing glasses in restaurants (several times so far). Other times she made up blatant lies in from of me to her kids like "tell Grandma you are staying home today or she will want to come to the beach with us". She also returns items to stores where she did not buy them and believe it or not some stores issue refunds. Now, this is where it has affected me; when the 3 kids distanced from me and DH for no reason she must have given them so deceitful advice; when the kids exclude us either they learned mean tactics are okay or she may have even coached them. DH and I always thought we did something wrong. In actuality I am dealing with a liar, thief, wow..that is an eyeopener to me. Oh wait--here's a big moral no no: she is not a practicing Catholic and lets everyone know. Yet, at funerals she goes up for communion. It's like the worst offense in our religion. Ugh...I must remember these things when DH gets pulled into her web,
Shame. I liked you until you started banging your bible around.
Really? You're offended that she takes communion at funerals? You have WAY too much free time, my lady. Get another hobby. Try actually being a christian and not a Judgy McJudgerson.
You know the adult SKs excludedecide you may have nothing to do with BM. It's possible that they just don't like you.
They have been respectful and polite as kids because their dad demanded/required it. But once they became adults, they were free to decide who they wanted it their lives.
WHoa---i think I am misunderstood. I really don't care about who people conduct their religious lives if at all. I can see why many of you are letting me have it. I only pointed out her behavior because she has voiced religious opinions at various times (why people do this, I don't know) and there is q dichotomy. She talks about religious hypocrites etc. then I noticed this. Whatever, the point is my life got impacted by her varieties of belief systems whatever they may be and it took me a long time to put it together with the behaviors of the SKids. Maybe they don't like me--haha they wouldn't be the first as I was a school principal (used to that) but hopefully it was because they don't like me on their own, not because of manipulation.
No moral judgements, please. Stolen glasses were put in her purse under the table but clearly she was letting us all know what she was doing. Okay, let's not make a moral judgement of any kind. What I'm getting at is the kind of thinking that rubbed off on the kids which is where DH and I get involved by their decisions, behaviors, etc. Has anyone seen this kind of thing? It doesn't seem to end when the kids get older.
Maybe I've not enough caffeine yet this morning. I'm seeming to fail to understand why a table of adult diners set by watching/knowing a dining mate is stealing from the dining establishment, yet no one says a word.
Hasn't sitting by silent affected children in a roundabout way just as the original ill deed has done. B*tching about it after the fact on the way home, or venting about the occurrence here trying to assess how BM's deeds affect the actions/beliefs of the stepchildren doesn't change the fact you all sat there condoning the misdeed.
It's very offensive to take communion in a Catholic Church if you are not a practicing Catholic.
In fact, Catholics are not suppose to take it if they haven't been to confession and done reconciliation.
I am not particularly religious. I haven't been to church in ages.
But I do respect other people's religions. I would NEVER EVER EVER take communion in a Catholic Church. That would be like slapping Catholics in the face. Nor would I respect a non Jew who wore a yamaka as a joke or would I wear a hijab on a bad hair day.
Mocking and making fun or disrespecting others religions is just WRONG. It is not a sign of "tolerance".
Comments
I don't know why your comment
I don't know why your comment makes me laugh so much, but it does.
Yes, any day that I don't take something that doesn't belong to me is a good day Lol
Their norm is not your norm.
Their norm is not your norm. This is what I tell myself about my DH's family of origin.
Over the years, your DH and his kids have developed protocols for dealing with BM. Pretense and ignoring bad behavior are pretty common in steplife, but I hear you. Who wants to be a party to theft? Ugh.
My late MIL was a severe alcoholic. DH refused to invite her to our wedding, and I didn't know her well. One night, she called threatening to kill herself. Scared me badly, and I frantically called DH (who was at work) and his sisters. None of them were worried in the least, and they even laughed and joked about "mom being at it again". That was their normal.
All we can do is draw healthy boundaries for ourselves, and maintain disengagement.
I am so appreciative for
I am so appreciative for these supportive comments. In the past I would make the mistake of ranting to DH about the situation the next day. I so appreciate the folks on this site who take time to share insights and give constructive feedback. I don't feel so alone.
I am seeing something in this
I am seeing something in this that I never realized and it is helping me understand some of the behaviors that hurt me over the years. So here is my equation based on the feedback from some of you: BM has dubious moral fiber as demonstrated in stealing glasses in restaurants (several times so far). Other times she made up blatant lies in from of me to her kids like "tell Grandma you are staying home today or she will want to come to the beach with us". She also returns items to stores where she did not buy them and believe it or not some stores issue refunds. Now, this is where it has affected me; when the 3 kids distanced from me and DH for no reason she must have given them so deceitful advice; when the kids exclude us either they learned mean tactics are okay or she may have even coached them. DH and I always thought we did something wrong. In actuality I am dealing with a liar, thief, wow..that is an eyeopener to me. Oh wait--here's a big moral no no: she is not a practicing Catholic and lets everyone know. Yet, at funerals she goes up for communion. It's like the worst offense in our religion. Ugh...I must remember these things when DH gets pulled into her web,
Shame. I liked you until you
Shame. I liked you until you started banging your bible around.
Really? You're offended that she takes communion at funerals? You have WAY too much free time, my lady. Get another hobby. Try actually being a christian and not a Judgy McJudgerson.
You know the adult SKs
You know the adult SKs excludedecide you may have nothing to do with BM. It's possible that they just don't like you.
They have been respectful and polite as kids because their dad demanded/required it. But once they became adults, they were free to decide who they wanted it their lives.
It's not the worst offense"
It's not the worst offense" our" religion.
Like the others, I was on your side until you pulled your snooty Bible morality out.
And I am a Catholic.
NO no, apparently a little
NO no, apparently a little communion (which is freely offered in most any other denomination to anyone who feels so compelled to take it) is worse.
I was pointing out some ideas
I was pointing out some ideas about the sense of entitlement in a person--not making a religious opinion. I apologize if I offended anyone.
Why, she shoved them up her
Why, she shoved them up her hoo ha, of course
WHoa---i think I am
WHoa---i think I am misunderstood. I really don't care about who people conduct their religious lives if at all. I can see why many of you are letting me have it. I only pointed out her behavior because she has voiced religious opinions at various times (why people do this, I don't know) and there is q dichotomy. She talks about religious hypocrites etc. then I noticed this. Whatever, the point is my life got impacted by her varieties of belief systems whatever they may be and it took me a long time to put it together with the behaviors of the SKids. Maybe they don't like me--haha they wouldn't be the first as I was a school principal (used to that) but hopefully it was because they don't like me on their own, not because of manipulation.
Ah. Got it. Thanks for
Ah. Got it. Thanks for clarifying
No moral judgements, please.
No moral judgements, please. Stolen glasses were put in her purse under the table but clearly she was letting us all know what she was doing. Okay, let's not make a moral judgement of any kind. What I'm getting at is the kind of thinking that rubbed off on the kids which is where DH and I get involved by their decisions, behaviors, etc. Has anyone seen this kind of thing? It doesn't seem to end when the kids get older.
Maybe I've not enough
Maybe I've not enough caffeine yet this morning. I'm seeming to fail to understand why a table of adult diners set by watching/knowing a dining mate is stealing from the dining establishment, yet no one says a word.
Hasn't sitting by silent affected children in a roundabout way just as the original ill deed has done. B*tching about it after the fact on the way home, or venting about the occurrence here trying to assess how BM's deeds affect the actions/beliefs of the stepchildren doesn't change the fact you all sat there condoning the misdeed.
It's very offensive to take
It's very offensive to take communion in a Catholic Church if you are not a practicing Catholic.
In fact, Catholics are not suppose to take it if they haven't been to confession and done reconciliation.
I am not particularly
I am not particularly religious. I haven't been to church in ages.
But I do respect other people's religions. I would NEVER EVER EVER take communion in a Catholic Church. That would be like slapping Catholics in the face. Nor would I respect a non Jew who wore a yamaka as a joke or would I wear a hijab on a bad hair day.
Mocking and making fun or disrespecting others religions is just WRONG. It is not a sign of "tolerance".