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Nasty slip

Kinder1's picture

Submitted by Kinder1 on Mon, 06/27/2016 - 8:13am

Hoping I can hear some comments regarding a disengage slip. DH called son-in-law yesterday for his bday. SD24 has made it clear to me after years of closeness when she was young that in the past few years I don't exist. She has asked DH not to put me on the phone to say hi (they live out of state), she stopped sending Mday card (which i received from her for years), doesn't tal to me at functions except for hello. We don't know why. When I asked she said "you can't make people like you" and "I don't want to ever have this conversation". So I backed off, almost had a nervous breakdown over it (not kidding) and have worked very hard to detach. I don't ask about her, don't send happy texts, or random gifts, etc. DH knows the whole thing and is very unhappy about it but like me, realizes nothing can be done. He calls her from outside the home but I don't care if he call infromt of me as long as I am not part of it. She never says to say hi to me. Anyhow, yesterday he lunges the phone at me to say happy bday to son in law. I do so and then he says "say hello to SD" which I do because I am caught off guard or because I am a stupid fool or both. Afterwards, I tell him not to do that, don't you understand what I went through, don't you know the reality? he apologizes just "to have a nice day". I was upset , in tears most of the day, and couldn't sleep. When is this monkey going to get off my back?

Comments

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Mon, 06/27/2016 - 8:23am

DH likes to shove the phone in my face when he talks to SS4. I hate it. Me and SS4 have a great relationship but I don't like being put on the spot and I especially don't like that DH has a limited amount of call time with him so he should be using it.

Kinder1's picture

Submitted by Kinder1 on Mon, 06/27/2016 - 8:38am

I so appreciate these heartfelt comments.I told him I won't be in the room in the future when calls are made. It bugged me more that he actually doesn't get the hurt I felt or he wouldn't have done that even if it were spur of the moment. He is continually thinking things will magically improve and SD will be nice. Nothing ever happened between she and I but all I can think of (along with my therapist) is that she harbors deep resentment that DH left when she was 2 and as she got older I became the target. Truth is she doesn;t really relate to DH either except taking a big wedding from him last year. Anyhow, I guess I wish he would hug me and say "i know how hard this was for you". He can't be compassionate about it, He just wishes it would change. For my part, I don't know why I can't shake it all off. It makes me stew the entire day and then I worry it puts a wedge between us. I have no children and he has no clue what it is like to be a SP.

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Mon, 06/27/2016 - 9:08am

Next time he tries something like that just say "F@ck off bitch" to her and hand the phone back. That should stop him from ever doing that again.

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Mon, 06/27/2016 - 10:54am

Don't actually take the phone, pretend your hands are full, just yell out happy birthday and be done with it.

iluvcheese's picture

Submitted by iluvcheese on Mon, 06/27/2016 - 11:22am

I'm sorry your man put you in that spot, to potentially be told she doesn't like you again. You have two choices, try again or continue disengaging. Do what's right for you. Think about yourself & your wellbeing. Good luck.

Kinder1's picture

Submitted by Kinder1 on Mon, 06/27/2016 - 1:25pm

Sueu2 you are on the money. In fact, as we got into it he said "I still think if you went to her to clear the air, blah, blah, blah.." and I went ballistic. I said "if you think for one minute it's my responsibility to go to her forget it, I already did that and she made herself perfectly clear". I agree with you on all levels. He is totally intimidated by the 3 adult kids and in fact as they got older and married it got worse on some levels. I think he really got afraid of them distancing from him as well. In any event, because I agree with your thoughts, I am very alone in this. It is not enough for me to leave. We have a great relationship in almost every area but this. As many others have posted, best I do my own disengaging but unfortunately it does harbor resentment. Thanks for your heartfelt response.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Submitted by 2Tired4Drama on Mon, 06/27/2016 - 5:31pm

Kinder, I can totally understand where you are coming from because I go through this myself.

I, too, am disengaged from my SO's adult daughter. It is a similar situation, I've never done anything that I know of to her but she has blocked any effort to get to know me over the 10+ years I've been together with her father. She doesn't even know my last name! For the longest time, it was very painful to me because I just didn't understand why she was that way. I can only imagine the pain you are going through, when you actually DID have a connection with her and then have her summarily dismiss you in such a callous way. It is very, very hurtful.

I no longer want my SD to occupy any space in my brain, but am forced to from time to time. I was essentially "forced" to go to her home recently because my SO insisted I do so. I told him that I would prefer it if he would spend the little time he sees her alone - I don't need to go. I've also asked him if she invites me to go, or is he just assuming the invite is for both of us? This is where I think your DH and my SO are similar...

He insisted she had extended the invitation to me too, by name, but I think he's lying. It's just like your DH handing you the phone - he wants everything to be hunky-dory so he's pretending everyone can easily be "just fine" with everyone else. And it's the farthest thing from the truth.

I also understand your frustration/resentment/whatever you call it when you don't have kids of your own. I have no kids either my SO has no idea what it's like to be on the receiving end of this kind of behavior, and he never will.

Once in awhile my SO will voice a mild complaint about my beloved dog, who is a bit crotchety in her old age. I often have to bite my tongue because I would love to let loose a string of examples of what real "bitchy" behavior is like - all coming straight from his princess daughter!