MIL Issues Must Be a Theme Today
We are in the process of moving. We closed on the house Friday afternoon and immediately started moving in. We have the majority of it done but we still have stuff at the old house we need to finish up.
The in laws and my parents all came to help unload the trailer and such on Friday and MIL was over all day yesterday helping the kid unpack and watching them so I could go back and forth with loads from the old house, etc.
I have posted before about SD6's dental problems. I have lost count but the number is somewhere in the neighborhood of 17 cavities, 5 silver caps, 2 kiddie root canals, 4 sealants, and one abscessed tooth. How this doesn't horrify any of them I do not know. We bought pizza for everybody who came Friday and MIL hands SD6 a sprite and looks at us and says oh, I didn't know what you wanted her to have so I just gave her sprite. We said we would rather she have milk and she says oh, I didn't know if you had any here. That is fair, though we did have some I can see how she wouldn't assume that we did as we had been moved in for all of an hour at that point. But she tried to say she didn't know if there was anything else for SD to drink. Um....do you think we don't have running water here? It wouldn't kill SD to drink water. She knows we give SD white milk and water and that is it. Unless she is vomiting and we are trying to settle her stomach then we will give her a bit of ginger ale but otherwise, white milk and water. MIL knows this and knows that BM gives SD all kinds of junk and is frustrated with BM for continuing to give her junk. So what does MIL give her to drink yesterday? Juice and chocolate milk. Because apparently in MILs world chocolate milk and orange juice have no sugar.
After a run to Home Depot to get our new washer and dryer (both are HE, I did a load last night and am still getting used to it) I come home to find SD sitting on MILs lap at the kitchen table acting all somber. I ask what is going on and MIL informs me that SD6 and BD10 were wrestling and SD started getting upset because she doesn't win (BD10 has 4 years, several inches, and about 20 pounds on SD) so BD told SD to ram into her and SD hurt BD's ribs. I'm sorry what? So you're claiming that BD told SD to ram into her really hard, SD did and BD got hurt, and somehow SD is the one getting special one on one attention? Then MIL goes on to say that "Grandma thought they were getting too rough". Well, if you knew that lady why didn't you stop them?!?!?!?!
Then later DH and FIL are in the basement installing the washer and dryer and I ask SD to go downstairs and tell them dinner is ready. She looks at MIL and says "Gamma will you come wif me?" and MIL of course says "sure honey, let's go". I finally had enough and told SD "you do NOT need Grandma to go with you to tell Daddy and Grandpa dinner is ready." She went by herself but really, why is this kid so special that she gets treated like that? I genuinely don't understand it.
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Perhaps not, but if the
Perhaps not, but if the spoiling is to the level that it has caused health issues that required months of work and thousands of dollars to fix, then it needs to stop. Period.
I just started reading this
I just started reading this blog, but I'll make an early suggestion:
Dad/SMs who are moving and requesting the grandparents to assist and babysit AND have kids present who can't/shouldn't have Sprite? Why have the soda in the house? Why not say 'MIL, when you feed the kids lunch or they need a cold drink, I've put a couple jugs of water in the refrigerator to cool along with the milk for all the kids'? (or the ice and water are on the fridge door dispenser and milk inside)
Would the OP have left a regular hired babysitter wondering what to give the kids to drink and/or which kid can drink what? I'm betting not.
My two cents? From the sounds of SD's extensive dental issues there's a whole lot more going on in that mouth than an occasional visit from GMa and a can of Sprite.
So if the kid was on a gluten
So if the kid was on a gluten free diet would it be okay for MIL to feed her whatever she wanted because essentially that is what you are saying.
Again, SD has had, and this
Again, SD has had, and this is no joke, 17 cavities. She has another cavity that will need to be fixed in the future if the tooth doesn't fall out soon. So yes, in her case, the pop and juice and other junk is in fact affecting her health. She had an abscessed tooth at 4 years old because her dental health his so bad. I'm really glad you never had to deal with dental problems like that but it is in fact a problem and the dentist has strongly urged no pop at all and discouraged juice and other sugary drinks.
And no, we don't rely on them to babysit much. Generally, the grandparents ask to take the kids and MIL texted yesterday on her way over to let me know she was coming. It's not as if I called her up to say hey, come watch the kids so I can keep moving.
I did not know she gave her
I did not know she gave her sugary drinks like that. I have talked to her several times about how awful SD's teeth are and all the work she has needed done and many MANY times told her that we do not give her juice or pop at all. MIL knew this and did it anyway. Hell, MIL would tell me how terrible it is that BM still gives SD sugary drinks despite her dental problems. Apparently she didn't know that chocolate milk and juice have sugar in them. I don't know.
And no, after this, she will not be allowed to babysit both girls together for a long time and DH is going to have a talk with her about what she gives SD to drink.
No, she brought it with her.
No, she brought it with her. I didn't have it in the house. In fact, MIL knows this as I have told her several times in the past that I don't keep juice in the house unless someone is fighting off a cold.
I did have her immediately
I did have her immediately brush her teeth.
Yes you do...biggest load of
Yes you do...biggest load of shite I've ever heard.
What Tommar said. Besides,
What Tommar said.
Besides, you can't use the grandparents to help you move, babysit, install stuff...then get upset when they do normal grandparent stuff like spoil their grandkids.
Wait, so if there are 10
Wait, so if there are 10 grandkids around, and her kids can't have a special treat, then none of the kids should have the treat???!!!
No, way. Limiting time with her kids is definitely the way to go.
Those poor babies look angry
Those poor babies look angry because they want to go run, play and have a good time with all of their cousins. Those kids are going to run wild when they final get from under their mom's thumb
You're NEVER watching my
:jawdrop: You're NEVER watching my kids!!
(cause I don't have any)
You are correct that my
You are correct that my annoyance is stemming from past issues. Mainly, the same issues over and over again. The spoiling has been an issue since way before I came along. Before DH and I started dating SD spent several days a week with grandma because BM didn't want to deal with her and DH was working all the time and MIL made up for that by spoiling her rotten. And by spoiling her rotten, I mean at nearly 4 years old SD could not so much as put a pair of socks on let alone a shirt, and was still drinking out of a sippy cup. It has taken a lot of time and work to start to reverse some of those problems.
Not to mention, SD has so many dental issues. That was not an exaggeration that she has had 17 cavities. She has another that we need to get fixed in the future if the tooth doesn't fall out soon. Her dental issues really are that bad. The dentist had to put several steel caps on her molars in the hopes that they would stay in until it is time for them to come out because the concern is that they will decay so much that the teeth will need to be extracted. And it's not just sugary drinks one or two days. We know BM gives her pop and fruit smoothies and all kinds of other things when she has her EOWE or so and MIL usually has her a night or two a month so when you add that to the junk EOWE it starts to add up. And given how bad her teeth are, it doesn't take much to get some more cavities forming.
Going out on a limb and
Going out on a limb and suggesting some of these started with baby bottle milk and juice... baby bottle tooth decay. If this kid went to bed with bottles and lugged a bottle/sippy around with her all day along with little mouth hygiene it didn't do kid's teeth any favors. Lots of oral antibiotics can play a role in baby teeth also.
Almost all of them did. She
Almost all of them did. She had the first 11 cavities filled at 3 years and 8 months which was 6 months after BM gave up custody, 8 months after they finally took the bottle away, but she was still getting put to bed with a sippy cup of milk at that point.
When they filled those cavities the dentist said she had a few more that he didn't see and that he wanted to wait awhile to fill them in the hopes that she would lose a few of those teeth with the cavities before it was necessary to fill them though why, if her teeth were in such rough shape at that point he would think there was even a remote chance of that happening I don't know. As it turned out, they didn't, and a year later she had an abscess and the other cavities had progressed to the point that they needed to be repaired.
The pediatric dentist SD now sees is more proactive than the first dentist and wanted to put silver caps and such on her teeth to try and keep them where they are.
So no, it's not being with BM EOWE that caused all those problems. But the sugar drinks and snacks she still gives her doesn't help. I have a sneaking suspicious that the years of bottle use, poor diet, and non existent dental hygiene basically stripped most of the enamel off her teeth so now she gets cavities much easier than she would otherwise.
Oh I know. How they weren't
Oh I know. How they weren't all investigated by CPS for neglect is beyond me.
As close as we can figure, what caused the problems is a combination of horrible diet and inappropriate bottle/sippy cup use. She was drinking out of a bottle until she was 3. I never saw her with a bottle and I met her just a few months after her third birthday so I think they finally took it away right before I met her. After that, she was drinking out of a sippy cup. She was regularly put to bed with a bottle or sippy cup of milk. So basically, she has bottle rot. At that point, DH got full custody and took her to the dentist where, loe and behold, she had 10 cavities that needed fixed. She had to be taken to the hospital and put under at 3 1/2 years old and had 11 fixed then.
Then, about a year later, she complained of tooth pain and it turned out she had an abscessed tooth. I took her to the pediatric dentist to have it evaluated and fixed and it turned out she had several more cavities just starting and the pediatric dentist recommended putting caps on several molars in the hopes that they would stay where they are until it is time for them to fall out. It was right in the middle of this round of dental work, 3 weeks before SD turned 5, that we walked into MILs house (who was watching SD while we cleaned out DH's grandfather hoarder house by the way so no one can use the argument that we were relying on her help) to find MIL had given SD a sippy cup full of juice that she was carrying around the house like a toddler. We told MIL then in no uncertain terms to get rid of the sippy cup, period, and only milk and water. We thought she had listened but apparently not.
I am really wondering if the constant bottle use and horrid diet when she was a toddler basically stripped the enamel off her teeth and that is why she gets cavities so easily. DH realized two years ago what a number was done on SD's teeth and has taken steps to correct the damage, or prevent further damage as the case may be, and it is frustrating when we are trying to fix it and feel like we are being hampered like this.
I never said her dental
I never said her dental problems weren't his fault too. But now he knows what he did wrong to cause it and doesn't do that any more. And he is going to have a discussion with his mother and if she continues giving her sugary drinks then she won't have her any more.
Apparently us repeatedly saying "we do not give her anything to drink but white milk and water and we do not keep juice or other sugary drinks in the house" was not enough. Apparently us telling her "please do not give her sippy cups of juice to carry around" was also not enough.
He was giving her the bottle at 3 right along with BM and MIL. DH and BM split when SD was only a few months old, like 2 months. BM had primary custody but MIL had her 3 or 4 nights a week and DH had her the rest of the time. He finally got primary custody when SD was 3 1/2 and she lives with us full time now.
Edited for grammar. My subject and verb didn't agree. My high school English teacher would be very disappointed.
Oh believe me, I have asked
Oh believe me, I have asked the same thing. I can't believe no one ever told them. Unfortunately, SD had the trifecta of clueless parents, overindulgent grandparents, and incompetent medical professionals.
This is the same pediatrician who, when asked, thought the toe walking at 5 years old, the not being toilet trained until 4, not walking until 18 months, not talking until 2 years, and hour long tantrums was all normal. When pressed about why he never said anything about any of this he said he had noticed that she was missing milestones and such but he just chalked it up to her environment when she was living with BM and never said anything to anyone.
I did go off on DH at one point, he was lamenting about how guilty he felt over the teeth issue, and I got exasperated and said that when SD was born neither he nor BM knew a single frigging thing about kids. And what's worse is that rather than learn anything, they just did whatever was easiest at the time and didn't worry about it. Now, those mistakes are coming home to roost. SD was fully capable of drinking out of a cup way before they took the bottle. It's just that she would scream to high heaven when they took the bottle away so they kept giving it to her because no one had the balls to actually parent a toddler. He realizes now what that kind of attitude leads to and is doing MUCH better than he was.
I mean seriously, who doesn't have a What to Expect the First Year book or something like that? I had tons of younger cousins I cared for growing up so I was a relatively experienced mother when BD was born but I still had one of those and checked it all the time.
BM is the type of parent we
BM is the type of parent we all know. She wants the happy happy fun time but doesn't actually want any of the work of being a parent. She does what is easiest and giving SD the bottle made her shut up so she got the bottle.
DH was just clueless. He didn't know what to do and felt like BM had custody so anything he did wouldn't make a difference anyway.
Actually, the conversation
Actually, the conversation with the pediatrician where he said he noticed the missed developmental milestones came after the psychiatrist diagnosed SD with mild high functioning ADS, sensory processing disorder, ADHD, and anxiety. Now, we aren't real confident in the psychiatrists diagnoses, beyond sensory processing disorder, that one is for sure. The ADHD and anxiety, maybe maybe not. We are taking SD to a neuropsychologist for a consultation.
Anyway, SD had been in OT and Speech therapy for months and the physical therapist wanted her to see a neuromuscular doctor for the toe walking but we needed a referral from the ped. I called the office and was told I had to take her in for the ped to "document the condition." I said what do you mean document the condition? She has been doing it for the last 4 years and it has been brought to the doctors attention on at least a half dozen occasions. He never once noted it in her chart because he thought it was normal and disagreed with the psychiatrists assessment regarding sensory issues and developmental delays.
I told DH that I flat out refused to take her to that morons office again. Either he switched peds or he better be prepared to leave work every single time she needed to go because I will NOT set foot in that office again.
We switched doctors and the new pediatrician suggested the neuropsych consult.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not
Don't get me wrong. I'm not a hard ass.....ok I am but I'm not unreasonable. I have no problem giving SD a small amount of pop on her birthday, or Christmas, or something like that but not on a daily basis or even multiple times a week. That's too much.
MIL has told me that both she and her sister were both born with not enough enamel on their teeth and have always had dental problems. You would think she would be well versed on what sugary drinks do to bad teeth but evidently not. I did mention that to SD's dentist and she didn't seem to think that was the case with SD. I do know that DH has enamel that a nuclear warhead wouldn't break through and BM doesn't have dental problems to that extent. I'm not sure if bad enamel can skip a generation like that or if MIL is full of crap.
SD had another cavity filled
SD had another cavity filled about a month ago. MIL offered to take her to the dentist and I told her that was ok, I would do it. Next time I may take her up on it so she can see what giving her crap does to her mouth.
And yes, people see the silver teeth and give me the side eye because they think I'm neglectful. Nope, not me thanks.
I was the kid that had a
I was the kid that had a mouthful of cavities at 3. I had a bunch of fillings and several teeth pulled - with no novacain. My parents grew up in rural poverty and just didn't know better. Neither did their parents. Everyone expected to have false teeth in their 20s.
I understand that grandparents are not there to parent and discipline- but it seems like the committee sense rule of "first do no harm" should apply.
My parents were lacking in a lot of knowledge but I am forever grateful that I was taught that I did not have to keep any sh1tty people in my life no matter what blood tie existed. .
Yeeeesh that makes my teeth
Yeeeesh that makes my teeth hurt just thinking about it. You had teeth pulled with no novacain? You are tougher than I am that's for sure.
And I'm not sure what the deal is with MIL. I mean she knows pop and sugar are bad for the teeth and can see the evidence of SD's dental problems because half of her mouth is capped with metal but somehow she is losing the connection that juice is basically liquid sugar.
No I am not tough. It was
No I am not tough. It was HORRIBLE!!!! Actually the drilling was far worse than a tooth being pulled. And most here are too young to remember the slow drills that hurt like hell. And we're ready loud.
My SIL is a dental hygienist
My SIL is a dental hygienist and actually opts for no novacain when she gets work done because she hates the feeling of being numb.
To each their own but I think she's crazy.
I have a friend who is a
I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic - like 30 years sober now. She's also an addiction specialist LCSW and has worked with addicts for years at a well respected psych hospital She will not use novacain because she does no touch any drugs. But that is carrying it too far for me.
Grandparents are there to
Grandparents are there to spoil.... to a degree. When spoiling crosses the line into undermining how the parents wish to raise their children, that's a line in the sand that should never be crossed.
More to that end, bad teeth are a health issue. If the child had diabetes and the grandparents were feeding the child food items that created blood sugar spikes/crashes, most of you would be singing a different tune. Also, I fail to see the correlation between IL's helping one move and undermining parent's rules. Rubbish!
well since her spoiling her
well since her spoiling her gkid is such a problem stop letting her babysit! honestly you sound so petty. the whole " how is she so special" bit. good lord. her grandmother obviously thinks she's so special.
SD is MILs favorite.
SD is MILs favorite. Everyone, except MIL, realizes this. She thinks she treats both of her bioDGDs the same. She doesn't. My SIL resents the way SD is treated so much better than her DD is. Everyone knows that DH's DN has rules to follow but when it comes to SD it turns in to poor SD, her parents are divorced and she has a crappy mom, we have to make up for that by letting her get away with murder.
I don't like this so DD's contact with MIL is generally restricted to family events and such. While I can understand a reasonable preference for the bio grandkids that doesn't mean I'm going to set my daughter up to be treated like a second class citizen and send her over.
What really sent me over the edge was when the kids were wrestling, DD was the one who got hurt, and yet SD is the one sitting on grandmas lap being comforted and coddled. She isn't the one who got hurt. DD was. SD is the one who hurt DD and, accident or not, why is she getting extra one on one time with grandma when she is not the one who was hurt?
The girl knew she wasn't
The girl knew she wasn't allowed Sprite so she asked grandma to give it to her knowing grandma would have her back. The girl is sly and if the situation was the same but it was a DH giving it to a skid behind a Smoms back a lot of the responses here would be different I think.
Wow. Grandparents are very
Wow. Grandparents are very different these days. Mine were fun but strict. If my parents said no, then they said no. They loved us but if we got out of hand, they had zero tolerance and disciplined us. We were expected to be polite and respectful towards them. We were taught to never ask for treats or special treatment. Instead, it was a reward for helping out and good behavior.
I spent a ton of time with my very old world, immigrant grandparents while I was growing up. I loved spending time with them and hated the weekends I had to be at home. I learned to sew, cook and garden. I learned their language so it was easier for them to speak to me. They spoiled me with love. But Dog help me if I tried to manipulate them or go against what my parents wanted.
Can you say doubles punishment??
AMEN!!
AMEN!!
Whoa there. I wasn't
Whoa there. I wasn't criticizing anyone. I said things have changed since I was a kid and described what it was like being around my grandparents. There was no need to crawl up my ass.