Woke up to find BM in my living room...
DH and I got up this morning to find BM sitting in our living room. That's right. She drove the 900 miles to see SD9 (she usually can't be bothered to pick up the phone and talk to her). The C/O states that she does have the right to visit with SD9 for one week out of every quarter in our home state. She has to give DH 3 weeks notice in writing that she is coming so they can work out of a schedule. She didn't give us any notice. In fact, she just knocked on the door and SD9 let her in. They were sitting on my couch talking when I woke up. My BS10 realized that she shouldn't be here and came and woke me up. Apparently, BM told SD9 that she didn't need to tell DH that she was here.
So, she is demanding to take SD9 until the day before Easter. (Easter is automatically DH's holiday every year). I guarantee she timed this b/c she knew my mom and DH's mom are set to arrive on Wednesday for Easter. She would essentially be taking SD9 for the entire time that DH's mom is here. DH's mom is in the process of moving here, but she is still dealing with stuff in the other state and hasn't seen much of SD9.
BM hates my MIL b/c she is the one who called CPS on her and got the SDs taken away. SD9 is very upset because DH told BM that she can't have SD9 since she didn't give us any notice. I think it took all of our restraint not to bodily throw BM out of our house. DH did have to threaten to call the cops.
And of course, the crazy GBM is here as well...she just didn't come in my house. DH is going back and forth about whether or not to let SD9 spend some time with BM since she drove all this way. He said he feels like he is punishing SD9. She is obviously upset and caught in the middle.
I am not sure what the right answer is. I really hate to give BM her way when this was purposely done to cause havoc. But, I don't want to punish SD9 either.
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I say let her take her and
I say let her take her and tell BM that the next time she needs to do things by the book or he won't be allowing her to take SD and then it will be on BM. When you say BM wants to "take her" take her where? Does she stay in a hotel while she is there?
I agree with every word of
I agree with every word of this.
Too effin' bad - and it's a great way to teach SD that actions, especially those spelled out for you in a court order, have consequences, both intended and unintended.
That does it. I'm buying a
That does it. I'm buying a firearm. I can't see this ever happening, but I prefer to be prepared in case I ever wake up to BM in my home.
oh HELL NO. the only time
oh HELL NO.
the only time dumbass crossed the threshold (cuz dh let her) i gave her The Look on my way past to head upstairs, then promptly put my fist through the wall. that was about seven years ago. hasnt happened again.
she dared darken my doorstep a month or two ago. she came up on the porch and tapped on the door. it's a good thing lurch got there first, slid out the door and closed it behind him and headed down the stairs to the driveway. i'm sure he saw the "GTFOFFMYDAMNPORCH" look on my face.
no way in HELL would she be sitting on my damn couch.
as far as the visitation goes, i personally would have to compromise on that one (unless she routinely violates the CO).
I agree with sticking to the
I agree with sticking to the CO. If she can't follow providing 3w notice, what would happen if she just doesn't return with until Easter like she wants if DH grants her a short visit? She's already demonstrated she won't follow orders.
Not worth the aggravations IMO.
Of you let her get away with
Of you let her get away with this, it will set the tone for the rest of forever. This is a MASSIVE violation of the CO and a big middle finger to you and DH saying that she is above all rules. Give into this and you'll have he11 to pay for who knows how long.
Nope nope nope nope. Send her on her golden uterus way, telling her if she wants visitation then she should've followed the CO.
idk, as much as my mom hated
idk, as much as my mom hated my dad, and how much dad didnt agree with what she was doing in her life, anytime she wanted to see us he'd allow it. (he only denied it once, but that was on me and my own doing). mom always lived within an hour, but there were times we'd go months without seeing her - i'd be devastated if he didnt allow it. with this bm being 14 hours away, i can only imagine how that would feel.
it's not so much about what bm is doing wrong, or what's right by the CO, but about what's right for the kid. (just with the caveat that, like i said above, if she's constantly in violation and pulls this crap all the time, i can see denying her.)
just my 2 cents.
but these folks have a
but these folks have a process for BM to see the kid. In an Order. Of the Court.
"I am really sorry, honey, but everyone has to follow the rules. Everyone."
what u and echo said makes
what u and echo said makes perfectly logical sense. i agree that you are absolutely correct.
the marriage counselor question "would you rather be right or happy?" - i'm kinda goin' on that same principle in OP's situation here.
either that or i'm just gettin' soft in my old age!!!!!
I do see where you're coming
I do see where you're coming from because a bunch of words on a piece of paper are going to mean exactly ZERO to a 9 year old who wants to visit with her BM...no matter how awful the woman actually is.
From the child's point of view and because a child is only going to see it as spending time with her other parent that she rarely gets to see - I would probably acquiesce to a small amount of time. I wouldn't allow the Easter holiday to be changed though.
BUT I would make DAMN FLIPPING SURE that BM was then informed, with not one ounce of doubt, that if she EVER came into my home uninvited and with no warning that the police would be called stat! Also if she wanted any future visitations, the CO is to be followed to the letter or she can take her happy a$$ back into the car and drive her idiot self right back home again.
No matter how you slice it if
No matter how you slice it if you deny her this you will look bad. However I would tell bm and sd that this will never happen again and if it does the answer will be no. I'd also tell them that you will call the police. Sd will remember this for a long time
Castle laws!!!!! Could have
Castle laws!!!!! Could have ended this issue permanently.
Since that opportunity was missed..... Dh needs to roll the CO and beat the snot out of BM with it.... since she fails to follow the CO there is no need for DH to give her any quarter unless he feels like it.
Were I him... I would give her Tuesday with no overnight and that is all. She gave no call, she gets no consideration, and for damned sure he does not reward BM with any time that should be dedicated to the GMs (your mom and your MIL).
SD-9 is old enough to start sharing the facts of the situation and the CO with so that she can start to understand that BM is toxic and in violation of the CO. BM should wear the blame and responsibility of this crap not you or DH.
IMHO of course.
What is BM asking to do with
What is BM asking to do with SD all week? Where is BM staying?
Under the circumstances with the older daughter, I'd not let the BM take YSD (BM may not bring her back). I might, however, think about letting BM and GBM sit in the yard and visit a couple hours during the times someone is home. Example, 12pm-2pm. They could bring lunch and picnic in the backyard.
CO was disregarded so DH 'owes' this woman nothing. Zip. But he also has a nine year old who has been missing her mom and who should not be privy to all the grown-up bullish*t. I'd offer BM the basically supervised couple hours on the days it works without inconvenience to already set plans. She saw kid today, so maybe a yard visit Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.
She can take it or leave it. No entering the home, no leaving the yard.
That is absolutely crazy.
That is absolutely crazy. What did you say to BM when you walked in?!! What did *she* say?!! Was she apologetic for being there in *your* home?!! Or was she just sitting there like she belonged there?!!
Who does that. Why would you
Who does that. Why would you think you could go into your exes house while they were sleeping. I will not even step foot on my exes drive way, I sure don't belong on his couch.
You have a co for a reason, you need to follow it.
Wow! So you came out in your
Wow! So you came out in your pajamas, and there she was? Ugggghhh.
I have no advice for you except to make sure that whatever the decision is, make sure the SD knows that it was DH's decision, not yours. I agree with the others that there are cons to either approach.
The only good news here is that she lives so far away, it, can't happen too often. The problem is, if she moves closer to you guys (and BMs have been known to do that), it could become a real problem.
Whatever you decide DH has to make SD understand that this woman is not welcome into your house and that she is not to let anyone in your house without permission ever again.