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praying's picture

Submitted by praying on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 1:36pm

I have thought long and hard if I should post this. I cannot recognize any of the names here anymore. But I think I owed it to anyone who supported me to get some closure.

I wish I had better news but Ss committed suicide almost a year ago. He could not take it anymore. Some days I wake up and I feel glad that he is no longer hurting. That probably makes me a terrible human being. And I probably am. I just could not see a young boy hurt so much. The most heartbreaking part for me was that he died filled with pain. I wish he had a few moments of peace while he was still with us.

My Dh and I are divorcing. Ss left behind a suicide note that was full of anger and hate towards my Dh. I cry just thinking about it. He just could not forgive even when he died. My Dh has since spiraled into depression. I can no longer support him through this without losing myself as well. I have to remain strong for our remaining children. And having my Dh in the house was too toxic for my own mental state.

I will always be there for my Dh. I still drive him to his therapist appointments and cook for him in his apartment. But I cannot be in the same house as him. I love him. However, we aren’t the same people anymore. My children have mostly gotten over Ss’s passing. We take it one day at a time.

I just realized that I am still referring to my soon to be ex-husband as Dh. Maybe in another reality, we stay married and Ss is still innocent and happy.

I have also not been able to contact some people I used to message before. Is formerAAgirl ok? She has not replied to my messages. She has been such a wonderful person to me. I wish her the best.

Thank you Steptalk for helping me connect with incredible, supportive people who helped me through some very dark times.

I will miss every single person who has tried to help me. You will never understand how much it meant to me.

Comments

B's picture

Submitted by B on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 1:45pm

OMG Praying.... I have thought of you so often and wondered how things were going. I am so very sorry to hear about your SS passing and the current situation with your H. Your SS is at peace now and as sad as it is, I honestly don't think he would have ever found peace here on earth. Too many horrible things were done to him and sadly there are some that just can't be recovered from. I can understand your H's depression. You're doing what's best for your and your children, and that's the best course of action right now. I wish you peace and healing, Praying.

Stick around for a while. I'll let Former know you were asking about her. Hugs to you and your family.

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 1:45pm

Oh Praying.... I'm so sorry for all your loss in this... Thank you for updating us.

Being glad that SS is no longer hurting does Not make you a bad person. There is nothing you can do to change what has happened, looking for what can be taken as a positive side to any of it does not make you bad, it makes you human, it makes you big hearted. It means you have empathy for what your SS went through. Moving on from the events that occur in your life is a healthy thing.

I wish you and your family all the very best.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 1:45pm

I am so sorry....How heartbreaking. Please feel free to still come and vent if needed.

Icansorelate's picture

Submitted by Icansorelate on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 1:53pm

I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for your and your DH. What a tough decision you are having to make- do not ever feel guilty about it you are doing what is best for your innocent children.

I hope you can keep putting one foot in front of the other until you get to where you find peace and happiness in your life again. I wish the same for your DH.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 2:22pm

There are no words but I am so, so very sorry that it ended this way. I wish you the best going forward.

Holly's picture

Submitted by Holly on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 2:54pm

Praying, I remember your blogs and wondered what happened to you. My heart breaks for you, your DH and for your SS. I am so sorry. I hope that your DH finds the help he needs and that you and your family find peace and healing.

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 3:17pm

I'm at a loss for words. ((HUGS)) please come back when you need to get things off your chest. We are all here to listen.

misSTEP's picture

Submitted by misSTEP on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 3:39pm

I remember the issues you faced. I am so sorry that he decided to end it how he did. Sorry for all of you...

DPW's picture

Submitted by DPW on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 4:09pm

I'm so sorry. I have no words, only a tremendous amount of pain in my heart for you and your family. I wish you all the strength.

Last In Line's picture

Submitted by Last In Line on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 4:20pm

I am so very sorry. You have been thru some terrible things that no one should have to go thru. Be wishes for your continued healing from that entire nightmare.

Shaman29's picture

Submitted by Shaman29 on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 4:37pm

Praying. I am in tears for you. All I want to do is hug you. I have followed your story from the beginning and it's heartbreaking to hear your SS could not find peace in life.

Many hugs to you and your children. You have been nothing short of the Rock of Gibraltar for everyone involved. Your courage and strength should be admired by everyone who knows you.

My heart breaks for you and I hope the coming days bring you a respite from your sorrows.

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 5:54pm

How incredibly sad. We all want there to be happy endings - but sometimes it's just not meant to be.

steponmeagain's picture

Submitted by steponmeagain on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 6:01pm

Good luck. Same thing happened to my friend with his 25 year old SS. Drug overdose monthly for a couple of years and it finally took his life. My friend tried for the first year after with his wife but left her a couple of years ago. Painful time but he is much happier now.

arjuna79's picture

Submitted by arjuna79 on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 6:31pm

omg Praying. So very very sorry for all of your losses. And what strength under all of that, to know what you need to do to save your own life, and save your kids. Hugs, breath, blessings, thank you for letting us know. Breathing with you. <3

ctnmom's picture

Submitted by ctnmom on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 6:54pm

Praying! I am so, so sorry. You did/are doing everything you possibly could do. Your SS IS at peace now, poor baby. Remind your DH that it is SS's despicable "mother" and worthless waste of flesh and bone SF that the blame squarely rests on. I sincerely hope my Lord and my God sees to it that those two things rot in hell. SS lashed out at your DH because he was a safe target. Suicide leaves so much destruction in it's wake, DH may never come back from his abyss, all you can do is be there as a friend and shoulder to lean on. (As you have been). You did all you could. You did all you could.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Wed, 03/02/2016 - 6:59pm

Sweetie, you are often in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry your SSon took his only route to find the peace he wanted. I mean, the awful abuse and cruelty and pain that child endured I really see why he did it.
You are a wonderful strong woman. If you want to reach out, PM me.

Indigo's picture

Submitted by Indigo on Thu, 03/03/2016 - 1:38am

I'm so sorry for your children, for yourself, for your DH and for your SS. Suicide sucks. My brother committed suicide when I was pregnant with BS14 and the ripples in the pond extend through the years.

I wish peace for you and your children. Protect and enforce those boundaries. DH is on a long road to discover his own peace. Your SS chose to release an unimaginable pain.