So, the whole victim mode and not taking control is not working for you. It does not work for anyone.... ever. So .... kick some ass. File a civil suit against the BM that made all of the false allegations against you. Ruin her. Take her life away and hold her accountable for her actions. File any applicable criminal suits also.

Pull the school authorities, CPS, medical people in to the legal campaign against the BM. They will testify that they did not initiate any false allegations because apparently that is the truth. Also, sue the day care who fired you.

Though the whole event resulted in very good things for you professionally that does not alleviate the evilness of their actions and the consequences you suffered. So make them suffer 10 fold.

As for SS-5 and SS-9 .... once you have begun the systematic destruction of their manipulative, vitriolic lying sack of shit of a mother and are on the journey to make her a homeless destitute POS likes she deserves to be .... you lay down the law. There are rules, they will follow the rules or they will suffer the consequences. Accountability includes corporal punishment and considering the consequences that the false allegations caused you need to give your DH absolute clarity that he will be the one to blister bare kid ass with a belt for lying or any other infraction.

Corporal punishment is legal in every state of the US and it is very effective tool to address behavioral issues ... particularly lying.

A belt to bare kid ass applies to all of your Skids and any BKs you have in the home for applicable infractions. Including the 16yo if he is participating in the bullshit behavior.
Though your Skids may be damaged by their idiot BMs they must still be held accountable for their own behavior and bear the consequences for their behavior and decisions or they will just perpetuate the lying vitriolic crap of their BMs.

The BM of the oldest Skid should also be neutralized by a full legal assault. You sue her each and every time she does anything that could remotely be construed as defamatory to you.
File terroristic threat criminal charges for her texts.

Facts are not good or bad, they are just facts. The behavior that generated the facts is what you action against when dealing with the Skids or their spawning wombs.

Document everything. Texts, e-mails, telephone calls. Print hard copies of everything, keep voice mail messages from the BMs, record any telephone calls with them whether they call or you or your DH do. Verify in your state the laws on recording your own calls. Some states allow it without notifying the other party on the call. Texas had this law and may still. We used it to good result. There is no way anyone can lie when you push play on the recording of a vitriolic telephone rant. Research the BM’s backgrounds and get documentation on anything that may be useful. Arrest records are particularly useful and a criminal record is even better. If they don’t have arrest or criminal records then use their illegal behavior (threats, false allegations, etc…) and build a nice arrest/criminal record for them. With the crap they are doing you will have them flopping on the hook in no time.

Generally I am not a particularly strong believer in litigious action but in this case owning the ignorant asses of the BMs will give you control over them. So I would do it were I you.

As nice and wonderful as your DH may be when the two of you are alone, he needs to reach between his legs, grab a big old handful of sack, give his balls a squeeze and step up on being a man, father and husband.
If he won't take the initiative to parent, get his spawn under control and beat his poor selection of baby mammas in to submission then you are going to have to lead him through the process.

In a blended family situation it is imperative that the SOs/Spouses in a relationship commit to making the marriage the priority. A strong marriage is the key. Any kid whether step or bio benefits from the strong adult relationship at the core of the family but the marriage takes priority … period and always.

I have zero tolerance for this kind of bullshit. My own 18+ year StepDad experience dealing with my son's SpermClan and SpermIdiot taught me that the side of the blended family equation with the best knowledge of the CO and any supplemental local jurisdictional rules, state laws, etc... and has the testicular fortitude to hold the blended family opposition in compliance to the CO and any supplemental and state rules will ultimately beat the opposition in to submission.

My own wife struggled with holding the SpermClan accountable for their bullshit because she was afraid that they would take it out on my SS when he was on SpermLand visitation. For years (a few but not too many) she would not beat them in to submission. Finally I asked her if her reticence was saving SS from their toxic bullshit and manipulations. That finally sparked her to take control. After that she/we kept a copy of the CO and supplemental rules rolled up and handy and we beat the snot out of the SpermClan when they so much as thought about deviating. If they did anything we could legally action we actioned. Even if it was marginal as far as legal action we had our attorney fire off a strongly worded though veiled threat of legal action if they did not do what they were told when they were told.

The SpermClan never crossed the criminal line or even the civil line. Their crap was limited to family court. The BMs you are dealing with have crossed the line in my layman's opinion and you should take them for every penny and apply every consequence that you can.

Make sure you act professionally and in as even tempered a manner as possible. Stay calm, learn the CO and the process. The CO et al are great tools for controlling the opposition but you have to be prepared to live by the CO on your end of things also. The good news is, at least in our case, once you get the opposition pummeled in to submission they quit fightign and questioning which eventually lets you dictate whether what you dictate is in the CO or not.

Go kick some ass!

All IMHO of course.

I doubt you will ever get anyone to admit they were wrong. But the best thing to do (and it takes some getting used to) is live a happy good life. Ignore the hatemail, ignore the accusations. Be prepared for DHS to be in your life for some time to come. But live YOUR life.
Find a hobby that can consume your time when your younger ssons are there. Just make sure it is protected enough that they do not destroy it. For EG, you decide to scrapbook. Do not leave your projects out for them to destroy. Find something for YOU. I love taking photos and using snapfish.com to create photobooks and tweak photos in photoshop-type programmes. It is all stored on my computer and NO ONE can access it.

As for your SS16, I would consider you to be an 'aunt' type figure. Someone he can talk to, someone who can intercede when things get rough with DH and SS16.

There are rude children the world over including the USA. Only the other day some brat stood in the middle of our street and wouldn't move so we could drive past. When we eventually did so he yelled abuse at us. DH slammed on the brakes and the kid ran into his house. Kids think they have control but they don't. Not really. If you act like their emotionally destructive behaviour doen't ever register on your radar they back down VERY fast. Be very nice, very clam. They will up the ante but continue on the calm path and they will buckle. It is all about who blinks first.

wish i had some advice for you, but the visiting at your inlaws instead of your home sounds like a blessing to me. i agree with 1o4, but i would suggest a hobby/activity that is more social, so you can develop a "family" away from home and you won't feel so alienated.

love this:

"If you ask me, the man is a genious. How do I make my DH get rid of his children? No idea... "

if you ever figure out how to do it, please share!! }:-)