SDs and Friends
Kind of an odd situation here.
Klepto:
DP and I realized some of our office tools (stapler, pencil sharpener, tape, things like that) were missing. I searched SDs rooms and found nothing.
Then I remembered that SD9 and her Troublesome Friend (TF) were playing "Post Office" and that TF has this habit of taking things home that are not hers.
So I ask my friend (since we were 18) if TF has some of our things.
She replied that she didn't know because TF's room is too messy.
And then she kind of laughed saying that TF also took the kitchen scissors of another friend's family.
Really!? If I found out that either SD took things without asking they'd be returned ASAP with an apology. Even DP was not happy with her response. At first, to my initial reaction of realizing where these items might be "I think we've got a little klepto on our hands and need to watch her and make sure our stuff is found." DP, "That's a little harsh..." After finding out she has more stuff and I repeat my statement from a couple days before, DP, "Yeah, that's not good."
So now I have to make sure friend gives the stuff back. She ALSO had a little bag of SD9s that had cash in it, which her parents confiscated and gave back to SD9. Part of this issue is that DP and BM don't teach her about the value of $ so it's like play stuff to her.
Now DP is missing a little expensive flashlight he lets SD9 use off and on. He texted me, "Do you think TF may have it?" Me, "very likely."
No sleep:
TF spent the night on Saturday and I know they were in the office, warned DP but he didn't do anything. I need to check my drawer to make sure all my stuff is there. So far, they haven't rummaged through because all you can see are files until it's halfway open. Smart me.
TF and SD9 were up really late and woke the house up at 6:30 am. To which I got up and shut them up for another hour. Maybe they got a couple hours. Rings around their eyes. SD9 was grumpy, made the mistake of warning DP who dismissed my input as usual. But he got to deal with her.
(As I was leaving for my fun day, he actually asked me if I could take SD11 - heck no! REALLY?!)
I get home at 4:15 and SD9 sound asleep. DP comes in from whatever he was doing about 5:30, Where's SD9? Asleep? WHAT!?
He had to almost literally drag her to the dinner table at which she rejected what I cooked (unusual but don't care). Then he decides to make her something else because, you know, the reward is important and ramifications of actions mean nothing. It took all my fortitude to say only, "I am done here." Walk away and watch one of my shows, but I did it!
I am full on trying to practice disengagement, but for putting up with moldy crap in bedrooms. NO $ for SDs (DP is even paying me back for some xmas items I got them - xmas separate from "stuff" but I limited what I got them), no help, nothing.
After SD9 was back in bed...with no shower all week, and likely dirty socks/underwear cause I'm done with that...he asks me how we should handle it next time.
* give the girls a reminder that there is a bed time and it's adhered to
* if they ignore it again, and this happens again, no more sleepovers until they can get themselves under control
* this effects everyone in household so there needs to be some rules
For DP this was too harsh and he thinks we (WE) should just watch them closer next time. Um, no. *I* will not be doing that. Sorry.
I feel bad but DP has to figure this out - he cannot ask me to help with parenting "chores" then turn it around on me when we are discussing "parental issues" that I cannot weigh in on how to set rules in the house or dismiss my ideas as "too strict" when he asks me what he/we should do.
I was able to leave SD11s dishes/mess in kitchen on Saturday and work around them. Didn't say a word, didn't touch them. I'll continue to clean up entry area and living room and kitchen but for SD11s stuff and continue tossing things down stairs at the most. It felt good to let that go this weekend.
I decided to deal with SD11s room because I reached my breaking point and I'm ok with that. I think DP needs more disengagement with day to day stuff and decisions and after some thought the room thing is so far away from where he is it's mind-blowing.
This was kind of a spiel but I'm trying to make disengagement more broad and DP focused.
I feel like I can't withdraw all my support at one time, that won't work for us, but need to practice stepping back little by little.
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Yeah, I know! I am actually
Yeah, I know!
I am actually going to see her tonight and tell her that I want the stuff back on the weekend and that I'll help her look because I know what's missing. Period.
The really frustrating thing about this is she and her husband are much like my DP, positive parenting. TF is ripening into a real problem and I like to limit her time with SD9 as much as possible but I have basically NO say in the matter (see DP issue above). I have no qualms about putting her in her place. SD11 told me the other day that TF is scared of me. GOOD.
This girl THREW something at her mother for coming into SD9s bedroom one afternoon as they were getting ready to leave, it went over my shoulder past my head.
My friend said, "Now TF, don't do that..." ineffectively.
I whipped my head around and said, "TF, if you EVER throw ANYTHING at ANYONE in this house again you will NOT be welcome back, do you get that?"
TF, "Yes." And she's not done so since.
I've done roughly the same thing since the cat was bothered, door slamming, general rudeness, etc. with her. I'm going to have a little chat with her alone the next time she is over. I don't give a crap about parental non-parenting (I don't think my directive would be effective with ANY of the adults) she's going to have Cover to deal with and if it comes down to me shaking out her stuff before she leaves, so be it.
Hi Sally, I think we're on
Hi Sally, I think we're on the same page here.
1) DP and I discussed situation with TF last night. We agreed that girls will be told, both of them sat down, that they are not allowed in the office and that NOTHING in the house is to leave without an adult ok. DP is totally on board with this because HIS good flashlight is mysteriously missing. He's finally pissed. He is also going to get a spy cam for the office because, "I am sick of hearing 'no we didn't' when I ask them about something." HA! Good for him!
2) Oh, I don't tell DP to do dishes, I just leave them. He knows. He cleaned all SD11s stuff up last night after he made dinner. I am going to try to get tougher on this one, but I find that this is a very, very difficult thing for me to leave behind. We discussed SD11s room, and he agreed NO dishes in her room at night ever. The missing moldy cup is last straw and he agrees.
I've been super, super careful not to 'diss the SDs as I've learned that's not the way. Oy! I'll suggest that HE talk with them or HE please put something away.
So I talked with TF mom this
So I talked with TF mom this morning as we couldn't connect last night. She didn't take it well. I asked if I could please come over this evening after work and see about the stapler and other misc. office stuff, and told her about the missing flashlight (we know SD9 last had it).
She immediatly said that TF doesn't have anything.
Then said, what does it look like? I told her and she said, no, I haven't seen it.
This is the same woman who just told me last week that TFs room was a disaster and they didn't know what was in it, and that she had several staplers laying around. Really?
I pushed back and explained the situation again, SD9 doesn't have the stuff, she used to. Girls bring stuff back/forth all the time (mostly SD9 bringing stuff to TFs place) and we need to be sure because we need these items.
Friend says no again and starts getting miffed. I'm thinking to myself, a) staplers b) magnetic tape of SD9s taken in the past c) SD9s pens taken in the past d) SD9s little bag found in TFs room and e) TFs other friend's parents kitchen scissors found in TFs room, at urging of other parent. No, TF takes stuff.
Then we start talking about the 'gifts' the girls made for each other. I unwrapped a couple of them (my cat was into one of them) and there were just too many under the tree, messy glued up balls of paper. Found some of SD9s little toys in them, random things, and CASH wrapped for SD11. My friend seemed horrified I had opened them. Hey, my house, things missing, cat into one of them because it was play-dough. YES I have the option of looking. Suggested maybe she look to see if flashlight was wrapped up...that fell flat. }:) Basically I'll bet more of SD9s stuff is in those packages...
So I had to drop it.
I'll let DP know. He wants to install a spy cam in the office and check TFs bag (she always brings this canvas bag over) before she leaves. I can't object at this point. He's also going to chat with SD9 alone about this, TF tends to call the shots so SD9 needs to know it's not ok.
...and last night when I went
...and last night when I went to SD9s room to get her laundry basket, in her "cardboard box collection" she uses for construction projects, next to the laundry, stuck behind some boxes was the new and now empty chocolate filled Advent calendar she received on Saturday and was told to not eat all at once.
I was pissed.
DP was pissed.
Then we both said, wait a sec, this is NOT like SD9 to hide things like this or not follow specific instructions to not eat all at one time...hmmmmmm...so now we are wondering if TF ate it! I know that TF has an issue with sweets (i.e. she's like SD11 in that she cannot control herself around them and her parents limit her access because she WILL sneak and eat them).
I also know that a partial bag of chocolate chips went missing this summer from the cupboard after TF was over one time and she and SD9 were in the pantry.
DP is going to have a sit down chat with SD9 about TF tonight.
He also will be searching TFs bags before she leaves our house the next time she visits. We will both also be watching them like hawks and if ANY of our instructions are not followed TF will be packed into the car and taken home.
We don't have "hard" evidence
We don't have "hard" evidence lately.
DP's going to discuss it with SD9 tonight; we'll make a decision in the near future on what's going to happen depending on rule following.
DP is completely on board with this one thank goodness.
* Yep, we discussed peer influence last night too. That's a biggie.