Not in a good place with SO right now...BM just won't stop her shit
BM text SO yesterday morning wanting another favor.
It never ends with this witch
Little backstory....I was out of town because of work this summer for 6 wks. When I got back SO left to go on vacation. This is a vacation that his parents do every year and since SO and I got together we have been going with them. SO and I knew I would be going out of town for work for over a year and of course, knew I would be getting back right when the family vacation was planned.
We discussed it off and on the entire year. We discussed our options of me going or not going because we have 4 animals that are expensive to board (in previous years we had friends look after them. They have since moved) Anyway, we decided that SO would go alone from Wed to Friday. He would either drive home Friday night or early Sat morning.
THE VERY FIRST DAY I was out of town, SO changed these plans to do a favor for BM or as he calls it "it's for the kids not BM" He left on Monday and didn't come back to Sunday. He said he was going to use all the rest of his leave (he doesn't get a lot ) to do something with me....Needless to say I was seriously pissed off. Still am.
Two or three weeks ago he does BM another favor and keeps kids extra days (and has to take off work to do it) because BM wants to pretend she's MOTY and goes to watch her older daughter graduate from Navy boot camp. The same daughter that moved in with SO's parents and hasn't lived with BM since she was 16 because BM was such a shitty mom.
So now BM needs SO to leave work 4hrs early to get Skids from school so she can take her two older kids to Halloween Horror Nights on a Wednesday. Never mind that we have them EVERY weekend and she could take them during that time. Has to be in the middle of the week.
And this is just favors he has done for her in the last few months...No way I could even remember all the shit he's done for her in the last 6yrs.
You may remember my post about BM and SF telling SD she can't have a cell phone at their house. http://www.steptalk.org/node/223059
The excuses for this have changed many times since then. I really don't care. I'm happy she doesn't have it anymore. Way less drama around our house.
So, BM is begging SO to keep kids. I say HELL NO. Eff her-----Just Monday she was screaming at SO because the school doesn't have her current info. SHE'S THE PRIMARY PARENT!!!
SO tells BM that he will do it if SD can have her cell phone back. BM says she will ask SF....I still tell SO, HELL NO. You are going to help this Bitch out AGAIN and as soon as the favor is over that phone is either going to be banned again or it will mysteriously go missing.
I guess SF said no, because now BM is saying she will just have to tell Skids that their father doesn't want to spend time with them. Effing Bitch. CO says visitation is eowe but we have had them every weekend since the beginning because that's her party time. We also get them EVERY holiday and at least 2-4 extra days a week.
So his promise to me in Aug that he would use the rest of his leave to do something with me because I didn't get a vacation this year was bull shit. He's using all his leave to take care of Skids because he's doing BM favors.
I don't know what I should do if SO caves and does this "for the kids"...I don't want to leave him but I'm sick of the favors for BM. She is horrible to him and she is a shitty parent.
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He has to get that "for the
He has to get that "for the kids" out of his head and realize that's BM's way of getting him to do what she wants. It's not for the kids, it's for her. He needs to keep telling himself that.
When my DH and I started dating, he promised me he wouldn't let BM use their daughter to manipulate him and he stuck to that. BM was such a total bitch (which made it easier) and she was telling SD crap about him anyway, so it really didn't matter what he did or didn't do.
It's hard. I know that your SO wants to feel like he is there for his kids and telling BM, "No," when it comes to anything having to do with them makes him feel like he is letting THEM down but he has to get a different mindset. These favors are for HER, not them.
If he doesn't get a handle on it, he will be her bitch forever.
I try to tell him that. When
I try to tell him that. When he kept SKids because BM went to see EXSD graduate from boot camp, SO said he had to because BM would just leave them alone. I called BS. She isn't going to leave a 9 and 11yr old home alone for days. She would have to get a sitter, take them with her, or not go. It's called being a parent. She want's primary custody and CS. Let her make some hard choices. Why does it always have to be us.
awww.... i know u're super
awww.... i know u're super frustrated.
dh is *always* going to get his kids extra. that's not something that's going to change, love. it's shitty of him to take the rest of the leave time he already had set aside for YOU. that would totally piss me off too. plan something yourself, if he goes with, fine, if not, go yourself or invite a friend or relative. you cant change your dh, but you can change your mindset and actions.
Having the other parent as an
Having the other parent as an automatic back up option for you if you need someone to watch the kids ends when your relationship with that parent ends. When you divorce, you don't have the other parent as automatic backup anymore. It's part of the deal and it must be grieved, just like losing totalitarian control over your kids and having to share control.
It's a classic nightmare-BM move not to grieve any of this and insist it's all "coparenting." No.
So many passive people get confused over that, because it's "for the kids." No, it's not. If the two parents didn't speak to one another, it would be pretty clear that each would need to secure a babysitter for the kids on their time.
It's a favor to the other parent, because it making the other parent's life easier. That's adult relationship stuff, not parenting. Just because the kids are the topic of the favor doesn't negate the fact that it is a favor to the other parent; he is making his ex's life easier and his SO's life harder because he can't say "no" to BM.
When dealing with normal
When dealing with normal people I would agree....But I'm not dealing with normal people. My address is 4567 Twilight Zone.
It IS wrong when BM is not
It IS wrong when BM is not simply offering extra time, but begging him and manipulating him by threatening to tell the kids, "Your dad doesn't want to see you." Offering is being able to accept NO as an answer, without ultimatums or threats attached.
No, there's nothing wrong with a parent having extra time with their kids but when in a relationship, the other person in said relationship and the relationship itself should be considered and not ALWAYS take a backseat. There needs to be some kind of balance.
OP did say that SO is the one she is upset with.
They have NO clue how to
They have NO clue how to co-parent. Anytime they communicate insults, arguments and drama.
Just this past Monday, she was screaming at him because the school doesn't have her info. She is only semi nice when she want's something and as soon as she is not told YES immediately, she starts with threats.
We only text about it
We only text about it yesterday morning. I kept texting Hell No and he just kept saying if she allows SD to have her cell phone he would do it. We didn't talk about it at all last night. I'm pretty sick right now and I didn't have the energy to get into it with him. In my opinion, she can take her old kids Friday or Saturday. We have Skids every weekend. Even Sunday would be better. We can keep the kids overnight and be late for work one hr instead of SO missing 4hrs of work to get them Wednesday afternoon then also being late for work Thursday to take them to school. BM doesn't think like that. She only thinks, this is what I want to do and SO is going to do what I say because he will put up with all my shit because he loves his kids. That's her weapon.
It's his fault that he has allowed her to use those kids like that. I have told him many times to stop allowing her to use them as control over him. SHE IS NOT GOING TO KEEP SKIDS AWAY FROM HIM. One she legally can't and two she doesn't want too!!!
Example....Last Christmas BM and SF decide they want to take a vacation over Christmas---To include Christmas day. We had Skids for two weeks straight. The day we were supposed to get Skids, BM was 5 minutes from our house at the mall. SO does ALL transportation. She wanted him to meet her at the mall and pick up Skids. I told him to tell her NO. She is only 5 minutes away, she has to drive right past our neighborhood to get back home, she can drop them off.---She has a habit of picking alternate locations and leaving us waiting for hr+ for her ass to show up.
BM got pissed off and said fine you just won't get SKids then. I told SO to call her bluff. SHE'S GOING ON VACATION. She isn't going to cancel or heaven forbid take skids with her. SO told her NO, but the entire time he was waiting for her to decide what she was going to do, he was freaking out. On and On about "what if she does keep them" Guess who dropped off her kids 1hr later and went on her little vacation with SF minus Skids.
My SO is a smart man, but it's like he loses all his intelligence and is reduced to the mind of a child when it comes the tinniest remote possibility that BM will keep Skids him...EVEN THOUGH SHE LEGALLY CAN'T
Sorry that got long
We can't get a straight
We can't get a straight answer. First it was because SS was calling SO too much...according to SF. Then BM said that SO was upsetting SD, and I'm sure he was. SD and SS are failing in school and he was on their ass every day to do homework because BM works nights. Then it was SO is trying to start stuff in BM's house with it...I don't get this one. He want's SD to have a phone so he can communicate less with BM and fight less. Then it was because SD isn't old enough even though her two older kids had cell phones at SD's age and SD had a cell phone two years ago that BM was ok with until SD lost it.
My opinion...SF doesn't like it. It's their house and their call if SD can have it. I'm just curious why she was allowed to have one two years ago and not now. What's the real answer. We will never know.
It's actually in his CO that
It's actually in his CO that he provides all transportation. If BM hadn't been 5 minutes from our house, driving past our neighborhood, I never would have told him to tell her no on that one. ...And I would have been happy to not have Skids for two weeks straight if she to not drop them off.
He's never going to see it as
He's never going to see it as doing a favor for BM. He will just see as spending extra time with his kids. To be honest, as a parent I wouldn't care why my ex was offering me extra time. I sure as heck wouldn't turn down that extra time just to get back at the ex for being a pain in the ass. Once everything is said in done, the only ones hurt by that are the kids.
Sorry, but if I had a limited amount of paid time off, I would use the vast majority of that time with my kids, not a SO.
He's nuts if he thinks the cell phone won't be an issue later.
I could not disagree with you
I could not disagree with you more.
Just because he has children doesn't give him the right ignore promises to me or to continually do favors for his EXW that directly involve me.
If he gives up the extra time
If he gives up the extra time with his kids, it should be because it was his idea/decision to do so. It shouldn't be because he felt you pushed/forced him to do so. That will just cause him to resent you.
Oh yes, because heaven forbid
Oh yes, because heaven forbid he resent me for expecting him to keep his word to me. Better the SM hold all the resentment. Because it's "for the kids"
In this situation my problem
In this situation my problem is two fold
First, he coordinated with BM to change something we as couple already decided when you changed his vacation plans in Aug to do a favor for BM. During that time he told me that he would make sure use what is left of his vacation time for us to do something as a couple. I didn't ask for this, he offered it as a compromise and because he knew he was wrong.
Second, I have to listen to him bitch and whine about how shitty BM is ALL the time. Just Monday it was all the way home from work he was complaining about how horrible she is and how much he hates her guts. Next day she calls and acts nice because she wants something.
I guess to me it's not about getting the kids extra. It's about my SO keeping his word to me and putting up better boundaries with BM. Every single time she wants something, he doesn't have to jump to do her bidding.
I don't know. Like I say all
I don't know. Like I say all the time, I live in the twilight zone. She is ALWAYS trying to get him to take time off work for something. Every year SD want's to do choir but it's over at 330 and we don't get off work to 430. BM doesn't work but insist that SD ask SO to pick her up 2x's a week.
Once she was texting him at 330 to hurry up and come get the kids because she was going on a dinner date. Making all kinds of threats. Who eats dinner at 330...She really meant, I need to get to the bar.
I think it's crazy because without his CS, she would have been homeless by now. She didn't work for the 1st 4yrs and now just a bartender at a little dive bar. She can't be making much. If CS was paying my rent, I'd be like "EXH don't you dare miss work or leave early. You need to keep that job"