Why does this bother me so much?
I have barely talked to or looked at DH since our talk Sunday morning. I feel so hurt by him and it has made me angry. It's like he wants me be okay with whatever happens concerning puke (sd15) and I'm the bad guy when I'm not. This has been going on pretty much our entire 6 year relationship and I'm finding myself having enough of it. I lived this way with my ex for twenty years and I will not live this way with DH.
Am I wrong to think that my feelings and happiness should be equally as important to him as puke's are? Shouldn't he support me in things I deserve to have as long as I am supporting him? Why is this bothering me so much?
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Ok...this is JMHO. I feel
Ok...this is JMHO.
I feel like you are making this a competition between you and puke. You are wanting DH to say that you are the most important thing in his life and that Puke is "just" his kid and that you will always be right and puke will always be wrong.
I am just getting this based on a few blogs but I really think you need to step back and take a breath. You usually only see the kid a few times a year right? So just try to let DH deal with her and what she is doing.
And this is bothering you so much because step life is un natural and i think it is worse when it is SD vs SM. I felt the same sometimes and mine is a SS. I am so glad I did not have a SD!
I know this is easier said than done but maybe give it a try. BTDT. Letting it go and realizing that he loves his kid and always will, (in a very different way than you) will help you.
Again..JMHO.
I have never wanted to be
I have never wanted to be more important. Just equal. I'm the one who from the beginning encourage dh to be more involved in puke's life and stepped back so they could spend as much time together as they wanted. I have kept my mouth shut on a lot of things that she has done to or said about me.
Puke is allowed to do or say whatever she wants and I can't even ask my H for or say anything concerning puke. H has made this a competition.
^^^THIS!!^^^
^^^THIS!!^^^
I am beyond caring anything
I am beyond caring anything about puke. What pisses me off is dh's lack of caring how her behavior and actions affect me. Doesn't bother him so why would it bother anyone else.
^^^^ This!
^^^^ This!
I have told H this.
I have told H this.
There has been enough
There has been enough talking. Let it go for now. Truly, let it go. No mulling it over and building up resentment (what you're currently doing.)
Disengage from anything Puke related. Let DH handle it, and be supportive of him when he talks about it. Make soothing noises, give him hugs. Be a good support system to him, because that is what you are when it comes to Puke.
If DH knows your boundaries, already, there is nothing to be said.
1- No animals in the house that the two of you do not jointly go out and adopt together
2- DH does not agree to schedule changes without your input
3- The house and the belongings of others are treated with respect
If he does not know these, then tell him. "DH, I'd like to get out of the middle of any tension regarding your daughter and her visits. I have exactly three human needs that I need you to meet with regard to your daughter. They're not going to change, so I will tell you one time and then I'll shut up about them. I will only bring them up if they are violated. Thanks, honey!"
The bathroom issue falls under #3. Wait until her next visit, if there is one, and see if the bathroom stuff happens again. If it does, go out and purchase a cheap lock for the door. Install it. Then keep it locked when Puke is visiting aside from when you need to use it. If your DH says something, you say "I'm sorry honey. You know how much I don't want to argue about this, and I know you don't want to argue about it, and because she won't follow rules (treating house and belongings with respect), I think this is the best solution. There's another bathroom she can use and I'd like her to use that one instead. I hope this will lead to more peace. Thanks, honey!"
Even if he gets mad about the lock, he'll cool down. There's nothing to argue about your reasoning. You're doing it to make things BETTER. Know it, love it, believe it. Have your tone of voice and your posture reflect that you have done this in a way that will make you all feel better! Walk the talk and talk the walk.
Puke will throw a fit, and let your DH handle it. The only thing he can possible say to her is "Well, you didn't respect the house and the belongings of others, and so this is the consequence. I'm sorry, but it was your own doing."
Well he has pretty much told
Well he has pretty much told puke is so many words that after thanksgiving he would be willing to let the pup come to our house. This is what I am talking about. I will say no and I will be the bad guy.
Why would you say no? I
Why would you say no? I thought you told the skid that she could bring pup when it was a little older right?
No. H said that. I told H
No. H said that. I told H that I would talk about it with him after thanksgiving but if we weren't in agreement it wouldn't happen. He has been telling puke that when it gets older he would be more inclined to let it come. From past experience, he will be for the pup coming and he will get pissed at me for saying no and so will puke.
oh hun.... yes this has
oh hun....
yes this has turned into a dreaded pissing contest. and your dh is so pitiful and avoidant of stress he's going for what he *thinks* is the path of least resistance, and if YOU put up any resistance then you're the bad guy....
it sucks all the way around. IMHO - let it go. protect yourself, your personal space, and your belongings (i.e. bathroom - get a lock dammit!) the rest of the house, the common areas (re: puppy) are where your dh does have equal say as much as you do. i'd let that part go. i know it is an ugly point of contention, but i'd let that go to save your own sanity. if dh caves, that's up to him. puke is getting older and only sees him occasionally anyway, i would suggest you raise the white flag on that issue and gracefully bow out of that fight.
i know it bothers you doll and i'm sorry. just think about if this is going to matter in ten years - if so, do what you gotta do. if not, take a deep breath and refocus your energy elsewhere.
i know it bothers you doll
i know it bothers you doll and i'm sorry. just think about if this is going to matter in ten years - if so, do what you gotta do. if not, take a deep breath and refocus your energy elsewhere.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Best advice in a long time!!!! I was pretty disengaged yet I still let some things bother me. I look back and now I think...wth did I even care?
This has turned into a pissing match now and no one will win. Mainly the marriage is going to suffer.
The pup and bathroom are just
The pup and bathroom are just situations. My issue is H makes me feel like I am irrelevant by not acknowledging my feelings. He gets pissed at me for even being upset. Somehow I don't have the right to. This is a deal-breaker for me.
I get that I need to let things go and I have made progress with room to improve. H is not making such progress with me. He instantly gets defensive and makes me the enemy. Thus creating a them vs me environment.
Either we both change together or it's not going to work.
Lately he has complained more
Lately he has complained more about her than I have nagged him about her. I just let him and not said a word. This is the first time in I don't know when that I have complained and asked him to do something about it.
He and I both agreed to no pup from the beginning. Now that she has been here for a visit without pup there is no excuse why she can't come from now on without it. They can figure that out themselves.
He will not get upset with her over things going missing. He just acceptsI it and goes along with any of that sort of thing. He may say something but it's more like "oh gee, it's okay, no big deal".
No I have called myself a nag
No I have called myself a nag many times before and that is why I'm conscious of not doing it. I'm just not in a position at this point to back down or give in.
You know you're right, but
You know you're right, but you've got your heart set on validation by DH. With my own DH, I find when I get super-pissed the conflict hits deeper than the situation... and I have to find some weird calm centre inside me to find the words talk to him. If your DH just isn't ever going to 'hear' you, then talking doesn't matter. But finding the path if it's about styles or love languages CAN be done.
What I see has happened now, is you've lost faith that he loves and treasures you. And with that faith lost, your willingness to open up and be vulnerable, to invest in him and your marriage, to listen to him and his 'stuff' is also lost. So you're in a downward spiral (plural you).
Even if you've lost that faith, think about the loving motions you'd wish HE'D go through for you. And do those for him. Not on a situation level, on the deeper connection level. Invest in this marriage and this love that you used to know. If you've done that twice, and you're still feeling this way - as though you're on your own with your problems and on your own to make things better between you, then your anger will be lessened because you'll recognize that there's just nothing left to invest in. And your path will be clear, not clouded with hurt and frustration and anger.
But in the meantime, do not cave on any situation to keep the peace. The problem I see right now is you keep solving the issue in front of you only to have the most important issue in your marriage - the long-term and meaningful thread of love and affection - left untended. Leave each situation up to DH to solve without bending an inch. But expect him to be present and get involved with you as you talk with him about your concerns on that deeper level.
See what happens. I hope he's a better man than he's been acting like lately. You certainly deserve a deep and abiding love.
I feel emotionally abandoned
I feel emotionally abandoned and have almost completely shut down with him. I don't know how many times, possibly half a dozen, I have just given in or backed off just to keep the peace when there has been conflict. He has just gone on like nothing happened and changed nothing himself. If I can't get him to invest in this marriage, it will be the beginning of the end. I will at that point shut down completely.
No two ways about it,
No two ways about it, conflict is scary. But it seems like you either allow the distance between you to grow, or you go through the conflict. No more sacrificing your happiness because you don't want conflict. You are giving what you need away and becoming angry and frustrated that you don't have enough. You are making him a thief of your happiness. Stop it. Care for yourself first. Allow the conflict to happen, it's not important, it's not significant, it's just someone who doesn't see what you see. Do not expect him to fill you up, just take the action that you need to take so that you can take good care of yourself.
And treat yourself, even during this conflict, with dignity. No matter what happens, you want to look back at these times and feel proud of yourself. It takes a lot of hard work to live through what you're experiencing and to come out feeling good about yourself. You might not get what you want now, but who knows? Life is full of possibility.
Good luck. And lots of strength!