I'm FREE!
Unfortunately my new found "freedom" is also accompanied by mourning for the loss of my Mother, who passed away just over a week ago. Indigo commented on my last blog that they give you books on how to care for babies, but they don't give you a book on how to help someone die. Well, when it comes to cancer at least, it's alot like taking care of a baby. You have to tell them the same things over and over. They sleep most of the day. You have to feed them, make sure they're drinking enough & give them their medications. Unfortunately it's much harder than having a baby, because when you have a baby, you know (or at least pray) the outcome will be a strong, healthy person. When you're watching a loved one fade away, you know the outcome is "the end". We fulfilled our promise to her that she would die at home. A week before she died, she went to sleep and never really woke up again. We took shifts watching her sleep. And early last Wednesday morning, my sister woke me to tell me it was time. She was doing what they call "agonal breathing", which is just like it sounds, struggling to catch a breath. We held her and talked to her. And just before she passed, she opened her eyes for a second and smiled. We hope it was because she saw our Dad waiting for her.
During the month I've been here, my "SO" has been the worst human being on Earth. My Mom would ask when he was coming all the time, and I'd tell her "tomorrow". It killed me to lie to her, but I knew if she knew what was going on, that would worry her. She had told a friend a few weeks earlier that she was ready to go, because she knew her girls had good men and they'd be taken care of. I made contact with his Ex, the one whom he supposedly broke up with because she insisted that he move away and leave SD15. One thing my Mom always said was "There are two sides to every story", and she was right. Ex GF left because of crazy MIL. She never asked him to move away from SD15 (even though she had the same exact problems with her as I did). I found out a lot of things in my conversation with her. Things I was flat out lied to about.
I also realized along the way that my DS was more affected by all this than I knew. He was just being strong for me. There comes a time in most kids lives where they have to care for their parents. That time is usually when they're adults and their parents are aging or ill. It's NOT when they're 14yrs old! That moment a switch flipped in me and I decided no matter what we have to do, we would never go back there again. So, we are staying here for a few weeks to get my Mother's things in order. After that, I will find a job - I'll have to live on pain medicine until they hopefully find a more permenant solution for my back. But that's ok. As long as DS and I are out of that house, we'll be happy. And if I have to be alone (as in no SO) for the rest of my life, that's ok too. No one else will ever treat my son like that again. He's been through enough already in his 14yrs.
Thank you all for all the advice and courage you've given me in your words. Even though I'm no longer an Evil Stepmother, I hope I can still hang with you guys.
- MissDirected's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Sorry to hear about the loss
Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother.
So sorry for your loss but
So sorry for your loss but glad to hear you are making a new and improved life for you and your son.
Oh... I am so sorry about
Oh... I am so sorry about your mom. I'm not a stepmom either anymore and I still hang out here. I was never really one to begin with because he never married me but I get ya. Sometimes I post about my conflict with him and his kids because we have a child together and have to coparent but its really kinda rare. I just post about other mundane stuff because really the stress and angst in my life is GONE. I can tell you I worried a lot about being alone and single. but here I am 40 alone and single with 4 kids and its not so bad. Was I taken out on fun dates and trips and social excursions as a couple? No. My life was work and my kids and friends and putting up with the BS from SO and his kids and now its work and my kids and friends and that suites me just fine. Your SO and MIL and SD are asshats and you are going to heal and feel so much better without all that poison.
Mine never married me either,
Mine never married me either, SD put a quick end to those talks shortly after I moved in and started "being mean to her" (AKA: trying to make her follow rules, etc.). But, that doesnt make us any less "Steppy". We went thru the step hell and have the step scars to prove it, even without a marriage certificate!
I too am 40 and have always been afraid to be alone, I guess. I've been a serial monogomist all my life. But, I'm not afriad anymore.
Losing my Mom has made me look at things differently. My Dad cheated in the late 60's and she felt trapped. He turned a corner and became an EXCELLENT husband. But even after that she was never quite happy. I don't want to wake up one day and be 74 with cancer and realize that I could've changed my life and had that happily ever after... even if it means I'm my own Prince Charming!
And yes, SO, MIL and SD are indeed major asshats!
So Sorry for your loss. We
So Sorry for your loss. We watched my stepmom die from ovarian cancer. It's a terrible thing.
My Dad was there at her side when she breathed her last.
I'm glad that you've chosen to make changes and are choosing to put yourself and your son first. It might be hard in the beginning but it will get better.
My oldest used to say "It will all be good in the end. If it isn't good, it isn't the end" Keep good thought in your head and love in your heart. You'll be just fine in the end!
I wish there was a heart happy face icon.
Your oldest is very wise!
Your oldest is very wise!
Sometime around 50ish I
Sometime around 50ish I pretty much quit dating. I probably had 1-2 dates a year. I was always looking for the right man and never finding one who was even close. I did meet some nice guys - they were not all assholes by any means. But I just didn't connect with any of them.
But I remarried in my 60s to a man almost a decade younger and could not be happier. We are just all lovey-dovey and affectionate all the time. At least since I removed SS30 100% from my life.
But I would rather have a great life without a man but with friends than to be stuck with a man that I couldn't stand.
Amen sister! I'm so glad you
Amen sister! I'm so glad you found a good one finally.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your condolences. It seems like I haven't really had time to grieve yet because there's been so much to do. She was cremated, so we're having a memorial service next Saturday (we had to give my nephew time to get leave and get out here from across the country), and I've been so busy getting everything ready and coordinating with the funeral home and extended family, friends, etc. Unfortunately, we've gotten pretty good at handling these things. We lost my brother in 2011 and my Dad last year. It's becoming way too easy to plan funerals around here.
So sorry about your mom, and
So sorry about your mom, and your other family members, gosh! That is terrible. I lost my dad to cancer 3 years ago and I remember those times well.
If you have been unhappy with DH, it will be a relief to not have to deal with him and the problems he brings anymore.
Hope this is the beginning of a new, happier phase of your life. Hugs
Condolences on the loss of
Condolences on the loss of your mother. I can and do empathize.
During my own grieving process, I read The Orphaned Adult by Alex Levy. You might find it helpful.
As for your H? Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Many, many, hugs. I am so
Many, many, hugs. I am so sorry about your Mother, and so glad that you have decided to lose the loser.
I have always said that I would rather be alone than be in a bad relationship. I started dating DH when I was focused on myself and perfectly content with being by myself. He did not complete my life, he enhanced it.
The great thing about not being afraid to be alone, is knowing that you don't have to settle. You don't have to rush into a relationship. You can take your time getting to know a person (and yourself) and walk away if they turn out to not be what you want. You can date on your own terms, make your own rules and, again, walk away if they don't respect you enough to abide by them.
And by all means, please hang out with us!
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my own mother 8 years ago to colon cancer, after a myriad of other cancers. It was actually a relief when she finally passed because of the stress of caring for her, but I still miss her everyday. More now that I have children of my own. She would have been the best grandmother to my boys.
If you can see clearly through your grief how much better off you are without your SO, that's saying a lot. You are strong, and don't need a man. Once you realize you don't need another person, someone will come along that doesn't "need" you either, and you can have a beautiful, equal relationship. Happened to my father after a bunch of mistakes after my mom died. He was so desperate to fill the gap left by mom, but now he finally found a wonderful friend.
My Mom had colon cancer as
My Mom had colon cancer as well (Actually it was Rectal cancer, but as my DS once said, "Just say colon. No one likes to say they have butt cancer." My Mom got quite a kick out of that one.) The last year, since my Dad passed of lung cancer, was definitely the hardest. She was on a clinical trial that made her lose her short term memory and it was pretty bad. I understand completely when you say it's a relief. She was in so much pain the past few months and it was horrible to see her like that because she had always been so incredibly strong.
Thank you Why. My Mom was
Thank you Why. My Mom was also 74, however we had an excellent oncologist who took care of her (as well as my Dad and Mom's twin brother - we actually have a picture of the three of them sitting side by side getting chemo. My uncle asked for a family discount. LOL) for almost 5yrs - 3yrs longer than expected. She vowed from the beginning she wouldn't go down without a fight and she did.
And BTW, I love your quote. You can't not listen to the man who brought us Winnie the Pooh.
Well, your post proves to
Well, your post proves to anyone reading it that you're a top notch daughter AND mom! So sorry for your loss, take heart that you honored your mom and gave her the transition she wanted. Best of luck to you and your wonderful son on your new journey.