What was that?
So I asked dh last night how many times is he planning to stay at hotel when (more like if) Puke visits because this could get costly for us. He said he didn't know but only has a couple months to go.
Now background on this situation. I agreed to revisit the pup thing after Thanksgiving with the agreement that if we don't both agree to it it doesn't happen. My feelings haven't changed a bit on pup coming. Especially now since bm and Puke haven't even tried to comprised.
Dh saying that this is only for a couple months makes me wonder if he is going to give in and is expecting me to change my mind. I am not even close to changing my mind.
I don't want to keep dh from seeing Puke and we can't afford all these hotel bills but I am not in a position to give in on this. Any suggestions?
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I'm pretty confident that
I'm pretty confident that Puke wouldn't go for that. She won't budge if it's not what she wants it.
"She won't budge if it's not
"She won't budge if it's not what she wants it."
and she can have this attitude when SHE is paying the bills. Since she's not doing that at YOUR house, YOU get to call the shots.
Does your husband realize that he is teaching his daughter how to manipulate AND that he is a pussy???
That's why I'm not budging.
That's why I'm not budging. Dh actually wants to see Puke no matter what. He's losing her and wants to see her as much as he can before that happens. Puke knows that dh would do just about anything to see her and isn't afraid to play the game. Dh knows this. Still he wants to see her.
Too bad, so sad. That's her
Too bad, so sad.
That's her choice.
Basically Puke is refusing to
Basically Puke is refusing to come without the pup. Bm won't watch it either. Dh and I don't want the pup here. Dh is going to stay at hotel with Puke and pup so he see her.
Bm bought it and then told
Bm bought it and then told Puke it was completely her responsibility. Only call dh got regarding pup was that Puke got one.
He's had my back through all
He's had my back through all this. I'm just concerned the financial impact all these hotels stays could have on us if we don't find another option. Sadly Puke and bm will undoubtedly not compromise so it'll be up to dh if he wants to see her.
Then I guess they go out to
Then I guess they go out to dinner one night and that's that.
She lives 4 hours away or
She lives 4 hours away or this wouldn't be such a problem. He could take puke and pup to park or something.
There ya go - daytrip to the
There ya go - daytrip to the doggie park
Free day for you
Why can't pup stay in your
Why can't pup stay in your backyard? So dh is just giving in to her tantrum?
Our backyard is not fenced
Our backyard is not fenced and I'm sure Puke would not go for the pup not being where she thinks it should be.
Ummmmm.......I am with tommar
Ummmmm.......I am with tommar on this one. Hell no, don't give in. Not even compromise by spending the weekend in a hotel with the dog.
Puke - you are more than welcome to come but you will need to leave the dog at home. You and your mom will have to work something out if she is unable or unwilling to watch your dog.
See you Friday - Dad
AND THEN NOTHING ELSE. NO DEBATING, NO ARGUING, NO COMPROMISING.
Completely agree.
Completely agree.
Sally, I'm not going to give
Sally, I'm not going to give in. Just looking for a cheaper options. Worries me that dh may make hotel a long-term solution to this so he can see puke. I don't mind the occasional stay for his sake so he can see her. If it was me, I wouldn't give an inch until she started compromising. Pisses me off that Puke treats her dad this way and he still does what he can to see her.
I'm sure they'll be more excuses as why puke can't come for visits so I'm worrying over nothing, I know.
I'm shocked he's not telling
I'm shocked he's not telling her she can bring the pup here. That's a huge step for him. I want dh to find out for himself that if it's not the pup it's some other reason why puke "can't" come see her dad. I mean she only comes maybe once a month if that. She's just looking for ways to get out of it.
If he won't demand that BM
If he won't demand that BM take the dog for the weekend, then looking into kennels or someone who will care for the dog for the weekend could be cheaper than a motel. AND...if the dog is ALL the responsibility of Puke, then she needs to be the one paying for it (or most of it, depending on how expensive it is). If that is the game BM is playing on Puke, then dad can play it back on her too.
^^^Exactly. IF the hotel even
^^^Exactly. IF the hotel even allows the dog to stay then it will be at least $25 extra a night AND if the dog messes up the carpet or chews anything up then they'll be paying for damages too. I made the mistake of allowing my DD to bring her kitten here last summer, never again. HUGE no no since I have other cats, they all went crazy and started marking their territory.
Maybe "Puke" can have one of her friends watch the dog while she's visiting DH. You are the woman in charge in your home, not puke.
I agree that you are wavering
I agree that you are wavering because you feel guilty. Stop it. Internal boundaries, woman!
You do not want a dog in your house. You did not make a decision to buy a dog. It is not your dog. Dogs are not included in custody agreements FOR A REASON. The dog is the property of BM's household. She is the adult of the household. She must be responsible for the decision to buy a dog, including taking care of it when Puke is not there. FULL STOP. Do not enable her underfunctioning. Her problems and the messes she creates are her problems and her messes.
This is BM and puke manipulation and the buck stops there. Empathize with your DH that this is happening, but DO NOT let the focus leave the two persons responsible for creating the problem: BM and puke.
Your boundaries to express in a short, unemotional, and confident manner to DH are:
1. Dog does not come on your property.
2. Hotel visits cannot be a long term solution as they are expensive for the two of you.
Puke can come visit without the dog; she is choosing not to do that. That's a shame, but it's not your fault. Do not let DH try to project his anger and frustration over the choices of BM and puke. As always, your home is open to Puke. BM and Puke trying to change the terms and conditions does not mean that you have to accommodate those changes. They are playing hardball to see how far they can take it. That's all this is - a test. Don't fail it.
If your DH tries to get you to abandon your boundaries, say "I have very simple boundaries regarding this matter. I'm sorry that persons external to our marriage and household are trying to trample on them, but as my husband, I expect you to stand up for my boundaries for my home and finances. I support your solutions for seeing your daughter, as long as the boundaries I've stated stay intact." Smile, get up, and walk away. Do not get sucked in. Do not talk about BM and Puke. Make it about your boundaries and supporting DH as long as he works within the confines of your boundaries. That is being a good wife to him who also happens to not be a doormat.
Keep up your boundaries and do not feel guilty and do not apologize. No dog in your home, and any accommodations DH makes to see his daughter must be discussed with you in terms of the financial impact on your family. Other than that, tell your DH you will stay out of it and support his decisions. You're happy to provide advice if he wants it, but he must ask you for advice. Make it clear that this is his problem to solve. Your role as wife is to support him and offer advice if he wants it. His job as husband is to support you and uphold your boundaries.
If you get sucked in, if you feel guilty, if you do not tell DH calmly that you will not accept blame and responsibility for a problem that you did not create, you will suffer for it.
Boundaries - learn them and love them. Healthy boundaries are how you will survive stephell with an intact and happy relationship.
I do feel a little guilty as
I do feel a little guilty as I feel like I'm keeping dh from seeing her. But then I realize that Puke is keeping Dh from seeing her. I will not give in on this and will make it clear to Dhaka that hotel is not a long-term solution we can afford. Puke and bm have to compromise as well. I have my doubts that Puke will come for her next visit and if she does, I'm even more doubtful she come the following visit.
Honestly, if she's not going to come anymore, I just wish she would just do it now instead of leading dh on. But she would have to care someone other than herself to do two.
"I do feel a little guilty as
"I do feel a little guilty as I feel like I'm keeping dh from seeing her. But then I realize that Puke is keeping Dh from seeing her.
And BM, since she engineered this little "the dog/daughter or over step" scenario.
So, yes, don't even let yourself feel guilty. Say "STOP" when you start it up. You didn't do anything wrong. Those morons are trying to force things on you in your own home. Saying "no" isn't mean or wrong. You are allowed to say no about your home. Those that are trying to pressure you should be the ones who feel guilty, but those personality disorders run deep, don't they? Do not let yourself waste any more time getting sucked in to their game. This is not your fault and it is not your problem.
Puke and bm have to compromise as well.
Uhhh, don't hold your breath. They're not going to. This was always designed as using the dog to PAS puke away from her father. These are not normal people you are dealing with, so they are very much not going to compromise. And, compromising means letting down your boundaries.
This is similar to having a custody agreement with meeting halfway to exchange the kid. Suddenly, without permission, the other parent moves 5 hours away, and demands that nothing change and that the parents meet half way. They have, through a decision for their household, changed the terms of custody and are trying to force the ramifications of their choice on the other household. In this instance, it would be easy to say "I did not choose to move and therefore I will not be doing any extra driving. I will still drive to the usual meeting place and the extra distance is up to you to figure out." Can you even imagine that parent feeling so guilty for having an entirely appropriate boundary? No. The other parent made a unilateral decision and tried to force changes on the other household. Your situation is the SAME CONCEPT.
I have my doubts that Puke will come for her next visit and if she does, I'm even more doubtful she come the following visit.
Oh, darn. Practice your best hand-wringing gestures and concerned expressions.
But she would have to care someone other than herself to do two.
Sounds like a real loss.
But, your job is to support your husband while having boundaries. I really wouldn't care what puke and bm do. This was all their choice. They wanted to force this division and now they've got it. I hope your DH grows some standards and doesn't cater to puke. He'd really get much further if he said "Puke, I love you and I miss you. I would like you to come for your visitation. You are always welcome here. I'm sorry, but your dog cannot come. We had no say in getting that dog, and we have no desire for a dog in our home. It needs to stay with your mother, the adult responsible for buying it. Those are the rules. If you simply cannot abide by these rules, I am sorry. Call me when you're ready to talk."
That would take the wind out of her sails pretty quickly. And in the short term, yes, he may not see his daughter. But long term he probably would. A stalemate isn't so exciting anymore when one party stops participating. And, puke might have some respect for him if he stands up for himself and demands respect from her. This whole "ooooooh, SD, let's go to a hotel since you simply MUST have your dog" is weak sauce and puke can see right through that. But I would not wade into it. Let your DH learn that lesson on his own.
the only suggestion i have is
the only suggestion i have is encourage dh to make it abundantly clear to puke that SHE is ALWAYS welcome in his home. then the choice is hers, the ball is in her court.
it truly is that simple.
if it wasn't the puppy, it
if it wasn't the puppy, it would be something else to be used as an excuse not to visit.
This is NOT about the puppy!
I agree with dark star. Dh
I agree with dark star. Dh needs to back you up and stand his ground. Sd probably loves staying at hotel. He is basically praising her for being a whiny baby.
So true. Even if we said yes
So true. Even if we said yes to pup she'd come maybe once and then find some other reason she can't come the next time.
I think the hotel thing won't go over well with either of them since they'll be together 24/7. That'll be a first cuz they don't spend a lot of time together when she is here. She's in her room the majority of the time.
Just have to see how this plays out. Now, I'm moving on the my impending holiday that will start in about 5 hours. Bought some booze last night so I'm set.
Ahhh. The alienating
Ahhh. The alienating puppy:-( Went through this same b/s with DH's youngest daughter about 7 years ago.
This is the way I saw it; BM new that puppy would not be allowed in our home. BM new that her daughter would not want to be separated from her puppy. When his daughter was with him post puppy, BM would text constantly "your puppy misses you!" BM put that kid in a horrible, horrible position. Long story short; the puppy won. The kid stopped coming over.
And guess what??? DH does not have a relationship with his daughter(s). He's got 17 c/s payments left (it ends in June 2016). He doesn't call himself a Dad anymore. In fact, he's called himself a sperm donor that makes regular, and consistent, child support payments.
BM's alienation of DH's girls is complete. The oldest is in college. The youngest graduates H/S in June 2016. He knows he won't see them for a very, very long time. If ever. In fact, he said if he died, they wouldn't come to his funeral. I used to say to him, maybe when they are older, they will come around. I don't say that anymore because I happen to silently agree with him. Those girls are lost to him and to his entire side of the family.
And so it goes......
It is so sad, completely
It is so sad, completely manipulative. But I bet the BM's think that they are being clever with it all while their game play is completely obvious for anyone (save the stepkids) to see. I wonder if a case like this was put in front of a judge if they'd recognize the obvious alienation and manipulation going on and do something about it.
I highly doubt it. My
I highly doubt it. My feeling is the judge would see it as Dad and "SM" being MEAN! That's what BM told DH's kid. "Dad is a big meanie for not letting you have puppy at his house."
I highly doubt it. My
I highly doubt it. My feeling is the judge would see it as Dad and "SM" being MEAN! That's what BM told DH's kid. "Dad is a big meanie for not letting you have puppy at his house."
LOL now im seeing ads for la
LOL now im seeing ads for la quinta.....
Love your new pic!
Love your new pic!
thnx!!! such cute widdle
I know it's easier said than
I know it's easier said than done but stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet. You are just causing yourself stress.
If and when he actually sees her, then you guys can figure out how to pay for it. She already cancelled once, so it hasn't cost anything.
You and he have come to an agreement that the dog is not allowed at your house. You've come up with a solution that allows him to see his daughter, she chose not to see him.
In a couple of months when it's time to rethink if the dog can come, deal with it then. Hell, she might not even have the dog anymore!
There is no sense twisting yourself up over a problem that might not even exist.
I know this about me. It's
I know this about me. It's something I've been working on. I still have certain things that trigger this reaction and this is one of them. Wound is deep and hasn't completely healed.
I do it too. I have to stop
I do it too. I have to stop and ask myself what I can do about this Right. Now.
Am I creating a scenario that hasn't happened yet? If the answer is yes, I tell myself to stop, just stop! Most of the time as soon as I realize I'm worried about something that hasn't happened I can let it go.
On a better note, I'm an excellent chess player. It's the only place I've found that thinking if she does this, I'll do that, then this, then that and so on is a good thing. LOL
I really hate your situation.
I really hate your situation. It is terrible. Puke and her mom are crazy.
Didn't you tell DH the dog could come over in a few months when it was older and potty trained? Maybe that is what he is thinking.
I really do understand why you are doing what you are doing. You are trying to teach Puke and BM a lesson. I get that I really do. But your DH is just trying to see his kid. It just sucks all the way around.
Do you have mingled finances?
We do have mingled finances.
We do have mingled finances. Looking back I think we should have kept them separate but oh well.
Dh and I are on the same page in regards to pup is not coming until we are ready for it. I'm not setting a boundary he doesn't already agree with. He is just the type that would give up his boundaries to see Puke. I won't.
We had a puppy and my stepmom
We had a puppy and my stepmom didn't want us to bring it to their house. I was married with 2 kids. I'd grown up with dogs, so my Dad was comfortable with them but she wasn't.
We really wanted to see them but the dog was too young to be alone, we compromised. The dog came, we all went for a walk. It wasn't far with a 2 year old and a puppy and then the dog stayed in the van on a dogbed, with the windows down.
We didn't stay overnight like we normally would but we did have a nice visit.
Once the dog was older it was easier to leave her and have someone come feed and let her in and out. Or I would just got up with the kids and exH stayed home with the dog.
My stepmom had never had a dog. She wasn't at all comfortable around them, in fact she was a little afraid of them. It was her house and she could and did make the rules. It wasn't spiteful or mean.
When they came to visit us I kept the dog outside, away from her. That's just good manners, you make guests feel comfortable.
If everyone could just act like adults this wouldn't be a problem, oh wait. The adult thing is so hard for some people, sorry I forgot.
I don't mind dogs. More of a
I don't mind dogs. More of a cat person. Dh and I feel like we would be more willing to work with bm and Puke if we had been involved in the discussion prior to her getting the pup or even a little compromise from them. Not saying I would have automatically agreed but I would have been a little more willingly to work with them. Now I'm not going to be the first to budge. No pup, no way, no how. Puke wants to see her dad she can figure it out. Dh willing to get a hotel to see Puke just shows that he wants to see her more than she wants to see him. That is not my fault.
Oh, I agree with you
Oh, I agree with you completely.
I was just saying how for us we made it work because we talked and compromised. We didn't start out saying we have a dog now and if you want to see us, you have to make room for the dog too.
If we had I would fully expect that we wouldn't have met at their house. My Dad would have had to made the trip to our house. (By we I mean me and my kids)
I think the real difference might be maturity. I was an adult, married with kids and didn't make my Dad jump through hoops to see me. One can only hope that SD one day grows up too!
Find a kennel.
Find a kennel.