About me
Okay so a little about me.
I've had 2 stepmoms.
The first one my Dad didn't marry. She was younger than him, 10 years younger and had no kids. I was 12, my brothers were 7 and 2. They moved about an hour away and we saw him eowe. She was horrible, she hated us and resented that my Dad wasn't free to just be hers.
We weren't allowed in the livingroom. The basement was unfinished and there was a rug, a couch and a TV. That's where we were allowed to be. Oh and we slept down there in camp cots. There was another bedroom along with the master upstairs but my 2 year old brother snored, yes it was really loud. He was checked and honestly I don't remember what caused it but because she couldn't sleep when he was across the hall we all had to sleep downstairs.
Should my Dad have bought beds, yep he should have. (I think he did buy bunk beds eventually) He made much less money than she did. She had bought the house and she refused to spend a cent of her money on his kids. (I know this because my Dad and I had a heart to heart when I was older)
The only time I remember her cooking for us was when we went camping. Which was an ordeal as well.
The only thing we ate at the house was cereal and fruit. My Dad took us for dinner, pizza or fast food when we were there.
He was really outdoorsy and so we spent most of our time hiking or swimming or in the yard helping him with the fence or building a dog house or whatever.
We had to change weekends and I found out as an adult that it was because she got every 2nd friday off and didn't want us there on her long weekends.
Kids know when you don't like them. They know when you don't want them there and they act out. We were not perfect kids, but we weren't brats either. Any thing we did was a direct reaction to the way she treated us.
At 14 I refused to go anymore. I was rebellious and really an horrible teenager. I disengaged with my father and didn't have anything to do with him till I was 23 and getting married. He stayed with her for 5 - 6 years, I'm not really sure.
When I got married we reconciled and worked on our relationship. It took time and counselling but it worked out.
He met my 2nd stepmom shortly after I got married. They lived together and got married about 5 years later.
She was there when my first was born and to both my kids she was Oma.
She was a very nice lady but she was a stranger to me. I was happy my Dad had someone, I never wanted to break them up or have my Dad all to myself. I never asked for money or babysitting. I didn't take advantage of them, at least I don't think I did.
Did I guard myself because of the first woman and my bad past with my Dad, probably.
While I don't think I was rude, I was disrespectful and thoughtless. I didn't recognize her birthday or mothers day or grandparents day. Christmas presents were geared towards my Dad and his interests. In my mind she had her own kids for that. I know it hurt her but again, she was like a co worker or a friend of a friend. I liked her but I didn't feel obligated to make her feel special.
We did see them but it was always on my schedule, if it didn't work for me too bad. They had to change their plans, why should I change mine? I was the one with the babies and the house and the husband and well just life! What an idiot I was.
As my boys got older I came to realize that to them she was Oma, she'd been there for them their whole lives. She wasn't some strange woman who was with their Opa. They loved her, like they loved my Mom. I made more time for them and wasn't such a brat about when and where.
When I got divorced they offered to let me and the boys live with them till I got on my feet. How great is that, she was willing to let us take over her home because I'd been a stay at home Mom and wasn't sure I could support us. We never needed to live with them but the offer made me see her in a new light. She was always the bigger person, she never treated me or the boys badly because of my behaviour, she was happy to see us, to spend time with us, to cook for us.
However, it wasn't until she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer that I really got to know her. I wasn't working and so I'd go up and clean for her because she kept a spotless house and wasn't able to clean for about 8 weeks after her operation.
We, my brothers and I made a point of visiting and spending time with both of them. We took their thoughts into consideration and made plans around them for a change. Too bad it took something like cancer for us to realize what a great woman she was.
She passed away 3 years after her diagnosis. Three painful years in which we watched her melt away. My Dad never left her side, he took care of her at home and slept beside her in the hospice. He died just over 3 months after she did. That was 5 years ago.
So I've been the neglected nasty bio crotch dropping and I've been the ungrateful adult who realized almost too late what she really had. Did age/maturity have anything to do with it, yes of course it did.
I read a post on here that said have coffee with your adult Step, ask what they want out of the relationship, tell them what you want out of it.
This is a spectacular idea! No matter what stage you are at, 1 year or 10 years in. Just sit and talk, get to know each other. We meet thousands of people in our lifetime. Not all of them become friends. Just because you marry someone it doesn't mean your kids are going to become friends with them. And that's okay. But if everyone is on the same page and treats each other respectfully then there will be lots less animosity.
- notsobad's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Wow. Thank you for sharing.
Wow. Thank you for sharing. So sorry for your loss. Mutual respect and kindness goes a long way in life.
I loved this post. You've
I loved this post. You've grown and really shown all of us that it can get better with time.
You were very lucky to have a stepmom that continued to open to having a relationship with you. I'm glad you were able to come together before she and your dad passed away.
And that's why I LOVE my
And that's why I LOVE my skids!
Yea, they go through their phases (but so do my bios) they irritate me from time to time (but so do my bios) and in the end I have never gotten a birthday/mothers day gift, BUT my DH does have all the kids sign a card and give it to me from all them (skids and bios)
I know they will always in some way see me as "different" or as "dad's wife" but if I shower them with love, and support and be the best I can for them, they probably after I'm gone, will see that I did love them unconditionally and tried hard to give them a good life.
Rather they are mine or not, they are still children, young, innocent children and every child deserves a good childhood, and I will provide the best I can for any child I care for.
Wow, you gave me goosebumps,
Wow, you gave me goosebumps, what a wonderful story and thanks so much for sharing.
I have both a step mom and 2
I have both a step mom and 2 step dads.
My step mom came into our lives as teens too, never had children of her own. She was loving and supportive but never a mother figure, My dad had fears that once he passed we would never talk to her again. We will. She is the grandmother to our children and she had been a important part in helping us raise our children (her grandchildren) she will ALWAYS be grandma to them. And we do love her very much!
And I too will be grandma to my skids kids.
My first step father was wonderful and amazing, I lost touch with him shortly after my mother and him divorced. He passed away 3 weeks ago, but he will always be my step dad.
Thanks for this story!
Thanks for this story!
That seems to be the running
That seems to be the running theme here and then SMs wonder why do the kids dislike me and treat me so badly.
Kids don't understand any of that. When I went to my friends house their mothers cooked for us, they asked us if we needed anything, they let us sit in the living room and play or watch TV. They were nice to me, they asked how I was and yes, they even paid for stuff. Swimming, or a movie, or an ice cream.
This woman who was supposed to be more to me that a friends mom, wouldn't even ask me how I was.
All I saw, as a kid, was a woman who hated the fact that we existed. She made that very clear with her actions and her attitude. She had no patience for us and made that very clear.
I'm sure we acted out, I'm sure we did things that validated her position but we were kids and kids react to the way you treat them.
So no, I don't agree with you that it wasn't her job to cook for us or take care of us or spend money on us. It was 2 times a month. How hard is it to be pleasant for 84 hours, spaced over a month?
My Dad and I did talk about her. I wasn't sure if I was right to feel that she didn't want us there and he said oh no, she didn't. She wanted to run off and for it to just be the two of them. She told him regularly that she was first in his life. He agreed with that. Even when his kids were there, he tried very hard to put her first. He wouldn't get up in the morning when he heard us in the kitchen. She would make him stay and snuggle. She would say just because the kids are here doesn't mean I don't need you too.
Yes, maturity did make me accept my second stepmom better. But she was a completely different type of person. She did try to get to know us. She loved my Dad and knew that meant dealing with us. She didn't walk away and say not my circus. She said give me a top hat and a whistle, let's try this thing.
Yeah, but your friends' moms
Yeah, but your friends' moms could have said, "No, I don't want so-and-so visiting." SM doesn't have that choice. So to me it feels oddly entitled to expect someone who unwillingly complies with the requirement to open their home and share her personal relationships with you is also expected to spend time and money and energy on you.
And fundamentally, I agree that SM isn't required to do a thing. If SM does EVERYTHING and Dad is a freeloader - aligning himself with kids while running down SM, meanwhile SM does all the chores and pays for everything because Dad's money goes to CS and his personal hobbies... Then I'd be the SM with resentment out the wazoo. And Dad might 'confide' in his kids, but I'm sure he's not telling the whole story.
But I read your story, and it sound like your first SM situation was with someone who just wasn't prepared to accept that her partner had kids. She sounds to me as though she behaved jealously towards you and your siblings. The part about switching weekends sounds normal to me, the part about forcing you to sleep in the basement rather than wear earplugs a couple of nights a month sounds incredibly selfish.
So there are more than one perspective on a situation, and there's no way any one person has perfect information about the motivations and experiences of another.
I think what you did, with the information you had, was great. You grew as a person, you opened your heart - even after you'd been burned pretty badly - and you gave your boys a wonderful gift. What a loving way to live.
You are correct and every
You are correct and every situation is different. Maybe that's my point? LOL there are so many opportunities to learn.
You hit the nail on the head. She was young, only 22 and no she wasn't prepared to accept that he had kids, or that he actually wanted to be them. As an adult, I can look into it and see that she wanted to have fun, have crazy sex with this cool older guy and not be reminded that he'd had a life before her.
It may be time to soften my heart to her. I honestly never ever think about her. Being on here and reading some of the blogs and comments have brought up a lot of things for me.
I removed myself as soon as I could. I never complained to my Mom about her and neither did my brothers. My parents had the most amicable divorce on the planet. They never spoke badly about each other. Seriously, I never heard one bad thing about either of them from the other.
When i went through my divorce that's when I heard all the stories. I got both sides from both parents and even when they were pointing out each others faults, they were tempering it with their own faults. Telling me what they could have/should have done to save the marriage.
...even when they were
...even when they were pointing out each others faults, they were tempering it with their own faults. Telling me what they could have/should have done to save the marriage.
To me, that's maturity. The ability to reflect on a situation, insight into one's character. So much easier with hindsight and more life experience, and when you're not angry anymore!
'Yeah, but your friends' moms
'Yeah, but your friends' moms could have said, "No, I don't want so-and-so visiting."' -- moelijk.
So true. Not to mention kids generally have "company manners" when at a playmate's house. By definition the playdate is something desireable to the child and they are relaxed and having fun and hoping to be invited back.
The exact opposite of all that is true when skid comes home to smom. No matter how fun and caring sm is, she is seen as the enemy and treated like an enemy.
I used to bring all kinds of treats and fun things for both skids, moreso the girl because I found it easier to predict what she'd like. But after being shat upon by her for the last time I told her dad, no more. I actually gave the girl fair warning before I stopped and I even continued the practice at my husband's request long after I found it not only demeaning to myself but counter-productive to the girl's behavior. So now sd16's view of me is the big old meany who makes her follow some minimal rules. But it was she herself who rejected the fun side of me countless times. That's on her. Many smoms here have had the same experience.
So neighbor mom buying you a movie ticket and a hot dog does not get the same result as when smom does it. Eventually smom is going to stop.
I just want to say that this
I just want to say that this is my story.
I know lots of you do have Skids with serious problems and that they are truly impossible to deal with.
I know you come here to vent and that you aren't mean or rude or abusive to your skids.
You are doing the best you possibly can and still get no respect or validation. You feel used and abused and unappreciated for all that you do and wonder why you even bother.
I know some DHs do not parent, they are spineless and sometimes useless and you feel that you are all alone and abandoned.
I'm not saying that you don't love your skids or that if you just tried harder they would love you and respect you.
I'm just giving you another angle, a different perspective.
I have bio kids and stepkids, all grown.
Whenever I have an issue with the skids I think back to my life and think about how my SMs handled things and I try a different approach. Most times it works.
BM has narcissistic tendencies, sometimes it's impossible to deal with. Sometimes I do have to take off the top hat and put away the whistle and walk away. But I never let my skids think it's their fault.
Just the same as my Bio kids. I've had difficulties with them too, sometimes I walk away. But I walk away from the situation, not them and they know it.
I particularly hate the
I particularly hate the saying that blood is thicker than water. Yes, I know it to be true but it's a self filling prophecy.
If you believe it and live it, it's true, but if you discard it and just love people it's the dumbest saying ever. I have friends that I'm so much closer to than family.
And if two people from different bloodlines hadn't fallen in love there would be no "blood" to be thicker than!
^^^^This. I found the post
^^^^This. I found the post interesting but I had all these same questions and thoughts, too.
I suspect if you had a time machine and could revisit that house as an adult you may discover that SM1 may not have been the Gorgon you seem to think she was. Ask yourself if you had some 3 day weekends would you really want to devote them all to childcare for a child not only not your own but pre-disposed to be less than warm and friendly to you? Your sm1 was providing a house to your dad and to you. How much more did she "owe" you in your eyes? If the basement was such a dungeon, why didn't your dad buy his own house for all of you with a satisfactory arrangement for you kids and for his wife? Has it occurred to you that your dad may have been leaning financially on his wife during those years that made her a bit resentful, suspicious, or territorial? How likely is your dad to admit that to you?
Anyway, it's nice that you came to some good insights about your own behavior and that you discovered your sm2 was an actual person and a good one, not just a place filler for the category in your head called "Wicked SM."
I don't mind the
I don't mind the questions.
Yes, there are parts missing. I tried to keep to the main points, one day I'll write my memoir and tell all.
It's not that she was expected to make up for his lower income. They moved to a new city (for her higher paying job), he had to take a lower paying job, the expense of the move (his choice to move), his portion of household expense (that he absolutely should pay) and CS (not her fault), so there wasn't much left over. I include this because I thought people would slam him for not getting us beds. I wanted to explain why.
No way he could have bought a house. His name was still on the house we lived in, he didn't pay the mortgage, my Mom did. This was a decision he and my Mom came to, she wouldn't have qualified for a mortgage on her own. He did the right thing and didn't make his kids move into a rental unit. Years later my Mom bought him out for market value. He made money.
Changing the weekend was non-negotionable. If we had something else, a birthday or a special event then we missed his weekend and it didn't get made up. I was happy about it, I would try to make up things to not go. I didn't want to be there and didn't care if we didn't go one month. Again I mentioned it to show how it was her way or no way.
I now know that it was hard on both my Mom and Dad. She wanted and needed us to spend time with him and he missed us when we weren't there.
Should he have "manned up and grown some balls" Probably yes, but he was trying to keep SM happy.
As for cooking, my brother was 2 years old. I fed him breakfast and got him fruit during the day. My Dad didn't cook, well he would BBQ. He did start to cook later but at that time he really didn't. We went, without her, for dinners. Just another example of her doing nothing for us.
"Even now you state how it was about you and your needs."
Yes, We. Were. Kids. She was the adult, she should have made an effort.
As for us being nice. See above. She treated us like something the cat dragged in.
Looking back, I do see that she was young and she didn't want kids. She never wanted any of her own.
ChiefGrownup, you could be correct. He may have been leaning on her financially and she very well could have resented him. As an adult I think she may have come to resent the whole relationship. It wasn't what she thought it was going to be and I don't think he turned out to be the man she wanted him to be.
The thing to remember is that kids took the brunt of this resentment. It doesn't matter what caused it, we felt unwanted and unwelcome. This is my honest reaction as a kid. Maybe it wasn't so bad? Maybe she thought she tried? Maybe she had valid reasons for everything she did. She was the adult, we were the kids.
I owned how I treated SM2. I was an adult who'd had an awful experience with SM1 and my Dad and I were just rebuilding our relationship. Plus, we didn't really get to know each other. But as an adult, I didn't feel like I really had to. She was his wife. Just like SM1, we were his kids she didn't need to get to know us. It goes full circle. We don't live in a vacuum.
Thanks for writing this, and
Thanks for writing this, and all your subsequent responses. It has given me some good thinking points.
I think that sometimes I feel forced and wedged into a "motherly" role that I didn't ask for and didn't prepare for towards a child that I have some instincts for but not full on mother instincts. I don't feel like a mom, I feel like an impostor. And I forget that to her I am there in a motherly role and so perhaps there are times when I could and should act more in that way and not shatter her illusions and trust in me. I'm not saying that I'm awful, but there are times when perhaps I let my emotions show a bit too much or my patience wears a bit too thin. I've only really been in her life for 2 years now, so I am still learning and evolving and a little reminder now and then to rethink my position and see try to see it through SD's eyes is a good thing. Thank you.
Ah, so dad was much older and
Ah, so dad was much older and sm1 was a hot 22 year old? Did it ever occur to you that the real reason you kids slept in the basement is dad didn't want you all hearing the boisterous sex he was having with her? I am pretty sure he would never admit that to you.
I am more sure, like a zillion percent sure, that older men don't marry 22 year olds because they are NOT seeking boisterous and frequent sex.
(No subject)
Hahahahaha, no that was not
Hahahahaha, no that was not something I had thought about.
But thanks for the visual. :O
"She did not want to be
"She did not want to be around kids. Some people are that way, and she had that right."
Come on!
Then she should of not married a man with young kids living at home. Good grief.
sueu2, I respectfully
sueu2, I respectfully disagree.
When you get involved with a man with children, especially young children, you do have an obligation.
We were not a surprise to her. She knew we would be visiting and yes I do think that she had to make us feel comfortable and give us a thought and at the very least be nice.
If she didn't want us around then she should have found a man without kids.
There are so many SMs complaining about their princess SDs. How they want things their way, they don't give a thought to anyone but themselves and their needs. That is what she was like and you just said it's okay for her to be that way.
That she can ignore kids and treat kids like shit. That I was wrong to expect to be treated decently.
I fully agree with this. As a
I fully agree with this. As a SM, It would be cruel to ignore a kid and/or treat them like shit .
I'm enjoying the dialogue
I'm enjoying the dialogue with you and applaud your calm and mature attitude. I really do.
Now I would still like to disagree with you. The person who was obligated to provide a safe and warm home for you kids was your dad. Instead of "she should not have married a man with kids" why wouldn't you say "he should not have married a woman who didn't want to cook for his kids and mother them while also supporting the household?"
It was your dad's responsibility to feed the 2 year old and all of you. If your sm had wanted to be a nanny to other people's babies she would not have taken the training or whatever it took to get that high paying job of hers. In wooing her it's likely your dad promised her she would not have to care for the kids or something along those lines. Almost every sm on this board has a tale of not really knowing what they were getting into and many have stories of being actively misled as to what it would be like. There's no reason to think your sm1 did not fall into that majority as well, especially being so young and courted by a much older man.
So to recap, it was dad's responsibility to choose the right mate, cook for and provide for his kids, create a warm home environment for his children - yet it is the stepmother who is getting the blame for all his failures. I understand that sounds harsh to the ears of someone who loves her dad and I know full well it is difficult to see our parents without the gauzy lens of love. So much easier to blame the most painful bits on the "outsider," sm. Then we can preserve parts or even most of that soft focus on the loved one. And this is exactly what makes steplife hell for sms because dads have that same soft focus on their kids and their own wife is "outsider." The stepmother can never win.
Sorry to disappoint ya sue.
Sorry to disappoint ya sue. You for got to add the part where you said some people don't like kids and don't want to be around them. Hence my part of saying, don't marry a man or woman for that matter who has kids. Especially young kids.
People who marry a person with kids are taking on some form of responsibly. Same if you have guest in your home. You are going to have to be kind, perhaps offer food. Basically be a kind human being.
I think your anger is showing. Step life can do that. Its not easy being a step mom by any means.
Why did we chose men with kids? Lol.
I don't cook for my SD
I don't cook for my SD because she refuses to eat anything I make, just because I made it. I wish she would because it is getting to where it costs too much for her to visit and eat out every meal (she is 24 now), but got tired of her complaining about the food I made. Just another outlook about smom not feeding you
"I'm enjoying the dialogue
"I'm enjoying the dialogue with you and applaud your calm and mature attitude. I really do"
I'm enjoying it too, I come from a family of talkers and debaters. We can tell the difference between attacking the subject and attacking the person.
When I first found this site I was looking for ways to deal with a crazy BM. We don't have much interaction with her, my DH is very good at setting boundaries and sticking to them. I'm the one who wants to cross them and strangle her sometimes. I tend to drive my Mom and friends crazy with stories about the things she does. I wanted to dump here instead of on them.
When I got into reading the blogs I found a lot, not all but more than expected, SMs who hate their skids and wished that they didn't exist. Also a lot of grown skids who treated their SMs with disrespect and rudeness and in some cases open hostility. I found my myself resonating with the skids and not the SMs, I was not expecting that. I took some time and ask myself why and this is what I came up with.
I wanted to show a different perspective, the other side of the looking glass.
My view of SM1 is from a child. It was a statement of how it was for me, how I remember feeling.
Expecting more from her is my adult view.
I do think you have to be nice to children, even the ones you wish weren't there.
I do think that you have an obligation to the children of the man you choose to be with. Unless he's walked away completely and has nothing to do with them, they will be part of your life. And who wants a man like that? If he can walk away from one child he can and will walk away from any you have together.
If you want nothing to do with skids, don't like kids, don't want kids, whatever, then date him. Have fun, have great sex (and thanks Chief for putting that in my head), do all the fun stuff and don't deal with any of the skid responsibilities. But don't have them in your house and then resent the fact that they are there.
Well, notso, I confess I put
Well, notso, I confess I put it into your head for a reason. I wanted to convey pointedly that you still may not be viewing sm1 through the eyes of an adult. Sorry to say, wanting kiddies not to notice all the sex being had is still the most obvious reason for putting the children in the basement. Occam's Razor. I'm going with it.
If your sm1 was truly cruel, of course that is bad and I would condemn it. But expecting her husband to feed his own children is simply not cruel in my book.
I've been a stepchild, too. My mother remarried when I was 12. I had a blast at her wedding, got to be a bridesmaid, danced the night away with my grandfather teaching me the waltz and the swing. My stepfather tried very hard to connect with me but I wanted my distance. I didn't dislike him, didn't hate him, didn't want him out of the house. I was not unkind to him. I was grieving the death of my father and was withdrawn. That was not my stepfather's fault. I didn't want to call him "dad" as I was being pressured to do and that is more on the adult's shoulders but it didn't scar me for life. I do recall some incidents with him that were less than happy for me but I never saw my mother do anything but support him so I never "blamed" anyone but her. But I didn't really "blame" anybody, there was nothing to blame. Just me being a kid and them trying to parent.
Fast forward-they divorced. Now I'm in college, she marries someone else. I met the guy, told him to be nice to my mother which was snotty of me but I never even thought of being defensive of how he would treat ME. Had no relevance to me. I saw she was happy and I applauded. That was the entire end of my feelings. No leftover feelings from the first stepfather experience. BTW, never for a single second did I ever think of what either stepfather was supposed to do for me. I depended on my mother as a child and on neither as an adult. The end.
So your experience and perspective as a stepchild is actually different from mine and I expect both of us are different from every other stepchild. I have never blamed the stepfathers for my mothers actions or lack of actions. In my own house I have two stepchildren. One loves me, one hates me. Am I a cruel person 1/2 the time? Or is one child inside her own head perceiving the world and herself through a distorted lens?