I've noticed recently that I've stopped being quite so loving towards DD18months when SS5 is around (every weekend).

This has not been an intentional move on my part AT ALL, I just realised suddenly that whenever I go to kiss DD or hug her (which is A LOT) ..I stop myself when I remember SS is in the room.

I squish her lovely little face against mine and go to give her a kiss on her beautiful chubby cheeks, then.. when I suddenly remember that SS is there, I stop myself and don't make the kissy sound, I just hold her face against mine.

When I realised that's what I was doing, I tried to think why. I guess it's because SS5 is a very sweet boy, and I just don't want him to feel that he is not as much loved as his sister when he's at his dad's house? I'm guessing that most STalkers will say it doesn't matter what *I* do, he's here to see his dad, and SS won't care if I show him affection or not.

But I've been in SS's life since he was a few months old. He seems to really love me, (that may change as he gets older lol!) and he was very clingy with me when DD18months first arrived, like he was scared I wouldn't love him as much now that there was another kid in the picture. 

I made a lot of effort when DD arrived to make sure he understood he was still loved by me. His clingy stage soon passed when he seemed to be satisfied of that. (yes I care about SS's well being and emotional health but I wouldn't go so far as to say I love him, hey what can I say I'm a good actress)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not placing myself in an 'important parent figure' type place with how SS regards me, (I know I'm *just* the SM) it's just that I've noticed he really does seem to place a lot of importance with my affection for and towards him. 

I'm finding it difficult to think of a solution to this. I know it's wrong to stop showing affection to DD every weekend. But I also think it's wrong that SS will notice I'm not as affectionate with *him*  I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I don't want him to feel left out or unloved, but I also really don't feel like I want to initiate affection with him like I do with DD.

SS is a sweet boy and very loving/ huggy/ kissy towards me and his little sister. I always reciprocate by hugging him back and telling him what a lovely boy he is. 

I have to force myself to do this as.. what else am I going to do, stand there like a board and let him hug me, then walk away?! If someone did that to me, it'd make me sad. I don't want him to be sad. I make that effort to reciprocate for SS's emotional well being, but I myself don't ever initiate a hug/ kiss from him. I don't *want* to.

But as a step parent, I often find myself doing things I don't want to do anyway, (only little things, like going out to lunch on a Saturday but having to take SS with us as that's his time with his dad) 
..that perhaps I should try and be more loving towards SS in order for me to feel like I'm "allowed" to show affection towards DD?!

I realise this sounds a bit messed up, there are step parents on STalk that *really* have it bad with skid problems. I'm one of the lucky ones compared to most here, (I have a supportive DH who disciplines skid *and* keeps BM at a respectable distance, AND a sweet skid who seems to really like/ love DD and myself) ..as such, I sometimes feel silly posting about my mundane thoughts/ small problems. 

I'm just getting my weird thoughts out I guess..