Confused...
:O I am new to this so please bare with me. I'm currently dating a single father of a 3 year old. We have dated for two years now and my boyfriend and his daughters mother broke up when the child was 9 months old. He has not dated anyone else besides me and I met her when she was 18 months old. I never try to be her step mom - I just don't have the role, well because i'm not - I am trying to be her friend and to make her comfortable. Problem is my boyfriend and I have had some rough patches where no affection was given at all towards each other. I noticed a great deal of jealousy on my part being around him and his daughter because the affection was just sweet, and I wished he would hug me and kiss me too. Well we talked about it and have tried to hug each other when we walk in the door, or are saying good bye and its usually a kiss on the cheek and let me tell you, his daughter gets beyond pissed.......and I KNOW i shouldn't take it personal, but its getting ridiculous - its all the time! I feel like i'm just a human being sitting in a home that can't do anything because its all about her and trying to not make her mad. I'm sorry, but giving him a hug is not wrong. I always try to hug her first and tell her how much I love her but last night I tried twice and got hte evil look so I just left and went to my own home. I'm tired of it, I really am...any suggestions??
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girl a man with kids is hard!
girl a man with kids is hard! if you really love him stay but it may get harder..... If you just like him a lot and you have been with him this long .....look for something else! all of us women are complaining about men with kids and dealing with the bm....But my concern is you are the first person he has dated since leaving the bm and thats not good....could he be using you to move on and get over her??? Is he over her?? Men are stupid sometime...he may still have feelings for her and dont forget the whole "she had his precious child" so the bm will always be in his heart CRAP! just be careful and dont get married unless you are sure
Oh yeah, he's definitely over
Oh yeah, he's definitely over her. They were on and off for 4 years before we dated and had been off for like 9 months, had a "hook up" and she got pregnant. They have had a lot of full blown arguments - not about me or anything, in fact she's nice to me but they are civil only because of their daughter. I honestly don't think they can stand one another. I'm just so confused, He wants me to get in the floor and play with her and show her that I care but if she's giving me dirty looks and will never leave her dad's side, how can I do that? i'm not going to force it?
Nip it in the bud NOW! I
Nip it in the bud NOW! I made the mistake of allowing a child to push my buttons and get a reaction from me and it spiralled downwards. I love DH and the SKids but I really had to learn to recognize which buttons I needed to switch off. Kids can be so manipulative, it sneaks up on you! Be busy! Be nonchalant when she's playing her little games. Remind SO that he needs to kiss/hug his daughter. The child is jealous, she really is not in control of her emotions.
Nip it in the bud NOW! I
Nip it in the bud NOW! I made the mistake of allowing a child to push my buttons and get a reaction from me and it spiralled downwards. I love DH and the SKids but I really had to learn to recognize which buttons I needed to switch off. Kids can be so manipulative, it sneaks up on you! Be busy! Be nonchalant when she's playing her little games. Remind SO that he needs to kiss/hug his daughter. The child is jealous, she really is not in control of her emotions.
Well if I stay busy like
Well if I stay busy like cleaning, picking up stuff, etc. its "dont worry about it babe, just spend time with us." And he ALWAYS says to get in the floor and play with her, but if your getting an evil look from a child, i'm not going to force it - i'm just not going to. When she does that I just walk away from her and ignore her...and honestly, get irritated with it.
Oh and he does hug and kiss her - believe me...it insane. I think that's why she gets mad when he gives me A hug and A kiss - I mean when we eat dinner (its in the living room in front of tv, which I don't agree with) - its them two sitting at the coffee table, and me off to the side sitting in the chair. I feel excluded.
ooooooh. yeah if that doesn't
ooooooh. yeah if that doesn't change then I suggest thinking about not moving forward. It took me about 3 years to get SO and SKids to NOT orbit around each other and leave me in another galaxy. Knowing what I do now, I kinda wish I'd gotten out early.
They aren't like that really anymore. I become a bitch when he excludes me. I'm trying now the exclude myself thing. Good luck and speak up to him... a lot
Dating is hard....dating a
Dating is hard....dating a person with kids is the pits sometimes. Think long and hard about the life ahead...Not saying it can't be a good life, but it is a difficult one.
good luck!
It all depends on how BIODAD
It all depends on how BIODAD handles it. Now here is a list of "warning signs/red flags" that you want to have your eyes peeled for. If you see more than two, GET THE HELL OUT AND BAIL NOW!!
The way the court system is today, men feel they will be punished by the BM and the "system" if they discipline their child. Instead they react to all this pressure and the BM trying to cut biodad out of the child's life (except for his wallet of course aka CS) biodad responds inappropriately by spoiling, coddling and letting his child(ren) do anything they please.
Which creates sociopathic MONSTERS
Which YOU don't want to live with or around. Trust me.
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
If you can answer YES to ANY of these questions, get your sneakers ready to go.
Do you know your man's FINANCIAL situation? Do you know if he has massive left over marital debt? How high is his CS obligation? Have you seen the divorce decree or mediation agreement. Does it seem overly slanted in BM's favour?
Love and "understanding" simply does not cover it all. Especially in the case of stepmom is supposed to be "understanding" when all of her money goes to household expenses b/c almost all of biodad's money goes to CS.
How long would you be willing to float biodad should he lose a job and have massive CS obligations?
There are many other considerations as this type of relationship is not to be taken lightly.
always like this list... if I
always like this list... if I had this when I met SO I would have known way better. I was completely naive