DH and I have been married 14 months. We were together for about a year beforehand, and I have known him, his ex, and his kids since his daughter was 6 months old. We knew eachother when we were married to other people. I disliked his ex for years before they divorced, so I was really happy to see her go.

I never would have imagined that his kids would be so gross with him or with me. They're nothing but extensions of that horrible woman. I know they do it because they're seeking her approval. She hates me, she hates DH, so the worse they behave with us or treat us, the happier that horribly harpy is. And they make her very happy. Initially, it was telling her how awful it was at our house. How much they miss her. Then it was reporting back about things they heard about our court case. Or about how DH punished SS for his horrible behavior. Lately, it's the buy-me/get-me's and treating us as resources when they pay any attention to us at all, so God knows what they're telling their mother.

I have been hit (by SS who was 4), spit at, stepped on, insulted, told that they hate me, told that they hate DH. And I've soldiered on. I've disengaged some, DH handles all their correction and discipline, but try as I might, I can't pretend like they're not there. And on top of it, every visit, my bio daughter(9) has to put up with SS10 bullying her into doing what SD wants to do or facing the consequence of the silent treatment and getting ganged up on by SD and SS, when all she wants to do is play, which makes it even harder to disengage. It's like having the Hatfields and McCoys in the house the whole time. And I'm on my guard the whole time, too. I don't want to say or do anything that will be used against me, against DH, relayed to their mother, or taken out on my kiddo.

I don't want their approval, and I don't really care about what their mother thinks of me, but I can't get over the fact that I feel like I need to protect myself, my husband, and my child in our own house because of these kids!

Is it better to engage and make them miserable, or to stay semi-disengaged and be miserable ourselves?