To Disengage or Not To Disengage
I've been reading different posts from people, many of which contain discussions of disengaging from our Skid(s), and I'm just really confused about it all. I DO understand what disengaging means, basically washing your hands of your Skid(s) and not doing anything for them, which in turn forces BF or BM to do for and take care of their child(ren).
Where I'm confused at, though, is the values that some have when it comes to marriage. My family was rather old-fashioned in their ways and values, which means I carry a lot of those values/traits with me. I grew up with two parents who never divorced, and are still married some 45+ years later. Granted, I did end up filing for divorce from my first husband, after 16 years of marriage, and have been married to my current husband for 3 years, together for 4. So, some might say my values aren't as strong as others.
The confusion I'm experiencing now is this: As a married woman, I look at my position as one of a "help mate" to my spouse. I was an over-achiever in my first marriage, and felt as though I did EVERYTHING while ex did little to NOTHING (except provide an income and a roof over our heads). Now that I'm remarried, I still feel that I do a lot in our marriage to maintain our household, etc. but I don't do near as much as I used to. When it comes to the kids, whether they are Skids or not, I feel like it's my responsibility as a wife to be that "help mate" to my husband and do for both my bio kids and Skids. My bios are actually grown and out of the house now, but I still have a SS17 who lives with us full time. BM is not in the picture, by her own choice. I also have a SD7, who DH has been with since birth (but, has told me that he's not the BF), and he has always been "Daddy" to her. We only have her every weekend. I would LOVE to ask DH to tell BM that we will take SD7 every OTHER weekend, but I don't want to upset him either.
I do get an attitude from time to time when it comes to my Skids, and I don't WANT to DO for them like I did for my bios, sometimes. So, how does one go about balancing this out? It's still very confusing to me. I have semi-disengaged from SD7, for sure. DH sees it and gets a little upset with me at times. But, SS17, is the one that I end up doing for more than anything. By that, I mean, mostly running his ass around everywhere or picking him up from work in the evenings when I feel DH should be the one to pick him up, but since I'm his wife I feel like it's my job to help him out. I seriously can not WAIT until SS17 turns 18! One more year!!!!!
In the days of a
In the days of a working/farming man and his full time home maker wife it was necessary that he concentrate on work and she was to maintain the home front.
I assume your husband isn't a farmer with a mule and a plow.
If you're a full time housewife then you might feel a requirement to ease his burden but if you're working also, plus I assume doing many of the chores around the house, laundry, cooking, cleaning then you've done more than your share. All of your work leaves him free to spend HIS "spare" time doing his chores which is chauffeuring etc.
Stop doing anything kid related you don't do willingly.
Here's a article on disengaging which you'll find useful: http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Look, I come from the same
Look, I come from the same background as you. My folks are the freaking Cleavers, seriously. (And the "love stories" of both sets of grandparents should be on TV.) I was raised that family always comes first, education second, and everything else after that. (My dad actually explicitly says that - often.) So I get it.
But I look at it like this - yes, DH and I are helpmates for each other. But I don't go to his office and type emails for him, because that's his job. He's an adult, he took on a responsibility, and while I'm more than willing to be a sounding board for him when he's got a problem, I'm not going to solve it FOR him. Same thing with the skids - HE took on a responsibility, it's his job. Want to talk to me, get advice, just vent? Come talk to me. Want me to take over the job FOR YOU? Nope, you're a big boy and this is your job. Get to it.
I wish my SD's BM would walk
I wish my SD's BM would walk away and let us have full custody. I've definitely disengaged from my SD, but it's because of the hostility I get from her BM. No matter what I do, my SD has been encouraged to see only the bad in our house, so she goes home and reports to her BM the things that I've said or done. I can't win. If I'm too involved and my SD loves me, her BM is hostile towards me. If I disengage and "neglect SD" (as BM put it), her BM is hostile towards me. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in my own home EOWE and it sucks. If the BM were out of the picture, I wouldn't constantly be worried about what my SD is going to tell her about me and how she's going to twist it to use it against my DH in court.
Thankfully, we don't have BM
Thankfully, we don't have BM in SS17's life. She chose alcohol and an abusive husband over her child. The only BM we have to deal with is SD7's. And, although I can just tell by her demeanor that she's a conniving, lying, POS who hides behind an "I'm a Christian" facade...she doesn't cause issues with us 99.9% of the time. I could honestly care less what SD7 runs back to BM's house and blabs about, because there's nothing TO blab about. DH treats SD7 like a "Princess", so she gets whatever she wants. If anything, BM should be jealous of how good SD7 has it at our house because she can't afford, or offer, the same kind of lifestyle as we can. Besides, BM isn't a real doting, loving, all up in her kids' business kind of mother anyway. She'd rather her kids be out of her hair and not bothering her anyway. She can't even keep track of when her own child needs shot updates! She's a loser, plain and simple.