Did I do the right thing?
Well, fellow STalkers, I think I finally did it. DH (or just H now) and I had our final argument about BM.
I've been semi-disengaged for several months. I was tired of being a "parent" only at the convenience of H and his family and not being able to set rules in my own home. Also, I was tired of telling H how to deal with BM in order to keep things low contact and lessen her influence/control in our lives only to have him do the complete opposite and later complain about how she was ruining his life.
I know that H has been in contact with BM via text and phone. Whatever. I have told him over and over that email is better for A,B & C reasons and he never listens. Tells me that he "doesn't like to communicate that way." I also know that he has been picking SD up at BM's (BOTH big no-nos here as this was a HUGE problem for us and two of the main reasons we spent $20K+ on a new CO). He didn't tell me this, I just got "the feeling".
So we have been having some pretty serious marital problems. Some related to BM/SD, some not. H has been spending this week housesitting at MIL's so we can have some time apart to think things over. Tonight we got together to discuss our issues and attempt to work things out.
One of my main issues is feeling that BM is higher on DH's priority list than me. As has been said on this site many times, he is more willing to piss off the woman he lives with than the woman who wreaks havoc in his life. In the course of our discussion, I brought up a recent pick-up to BM's house. I asked him straight up "Did she invite you inside and did you go?" He said "Of course I went in, I was picking up my daughter for xxx event."
This happened over a month ago. He never told me about it until I asked. He thinks it is no big deal. To me, it is HUGE. He doesn't understand why I am upset that his single ex-girlfriend invited him inside her home and he accepted yet to me it is a dealbreaker. It would have meant everything to me if he had simply replied to her invite "No thanks, I'll wait by the car. Send her out when she's ready." It would have been a loud and clear message to both BM and to me about where we stood in his life.
Anyway, I think this might be the straw that broke the camel's back. I told him that if he couldn't see what was wrong here, not to bother coming back. I hate to see my marriage end, but I can no longer live this way.
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((((Hugs))))
((((Hugs))))
Long time lurker , but can I
Long time lurker , but can I ask why is it so bad he went in her home? I get he is choosing this high conflict situation but are you concerned he crossed a line? Cheated on you? I hate my husband's ex but so what if he goes in the house? I'm Probably missing something, if not I wouldn't be concerned.
Amen sister Outtahere! This
Amen sister Outtahere! This ^^^^^ , I get you OP! I am firmly in your camp. I would be seriously mad too.
Yes to pretty much all of
Yes to pretty much all of this. Thanks for answering for me BTW, I couldn't get back online until just now.
You allowed him to choose his
You allowed him to choose his alliances. Either with your and his relationship with you or to align himself with the BM.
He made a very bad choice but this isn't on you. It's on him. He was allowing another woman into your relationship and not making your marriage a priority.
I'm sorry he's hurt you. I'm sorry he didn't see how amazing his wife is and how much he screwing up right now.
In other words, yes....you made the right decision. You'll be stronger and wiser about things like this going forward.
I wish you nothing but strength and happiness in the coming days.
Thank you, Shaman. You get
Thank you, Shaman. You get it, you really do.
I get it. It was an important
I get it. It was an important line and he crossed it without apparent regard for your feelings.
To some people, stepping into the entryway to wait would be a courteous thing to do and not worth an iota of concern. To others, it's a slippery slope. I have not allowed my ex-DH inside of my house since I turfed him the second time. He had no boundaries and preferred to use my home as "Visitation Central." (toys, food, couch ...)
It sounds as if the real issue is that you are an "Invisible Woman" in your own life. I'm sorry, that's a horrible feeling. Wish that I had some great advice, but I don't.
Why are people saying she
Why are people saying she "allowed"? She can neither stop him or make him behave that way. She has no control over anyone but herself here. Some people are clueless. HEr DH happens to be one of those unfortunate souls. She married the man and wants to give him the opportunity to get a clue and gave him consequences for his actions and is looking at ending the relationship because of the way he has disresepcted her and continues to do so. LEts put the blame where the blame lies. On his dumb butt. And maybe when his third and fourth and fifth ex wives all do the same, he will finally get that clue that maybe just maybe this isn't cool.
Why do you need to control
Why do you need to control how pick ups are done? I don't see how him.going
into her house means anything - you are assigning it meaning based on other issues
I would say.
My DH used to go into BMs house on occasion at pick up time - he had lived in that house
for about fifteen years, it was his. I did not care very.much. My exhusband has come into our house a few.times, my boys showed him their rooms, we sat and talked about my son's college
plans. It does not mean anything.
this totally chapped my ass
this totally chapped my ass when dh did this, and he never understood why it bothered me so much.
BUT - out of respect for MY wishes, he stopped. that meant alot.
that wouldnt be a dealbreaker for me, but if he's been showing a pattern of really not giving a shit about your feelings, i can see how that would be the proverbial straw....
Yes ^^ "a pattern of not
Yes
"a pattern of not giving a shit about your feelings". My husband does this too. Whenever I call him on it it's "what's the big deal? you're overreacting". The whole thing could easily be fixed by him with an "I can see why that would bother you. I don't want to see you upset. It won't happen again."
Yep, that's pretty much what
Yep, that's pretty much what I told him. That how he handled it with regards to my feelings was worse than actually going inside her home. He doesn't NEED to understand why it upsets me, he just needs to accept that it does. Either he cares or he doesn't. But if he doesn't, it really only leaves me with one option because I refuse to be treated like this any longer.
I'm sorry you are so hurt by
I'm sorry you are so hurt by your DH doing this. I think for a lot of us, it is completely foreign to feel ANY jealousy in regards to the BM. There is not one shred of worry that my DH would EVER contemplate having sex or ANYTHING even remotely "intimate" with BM...and she regularly throws herself at my DH. It is really quite pathetic and I actually feel sorry for BM. That said, it is obvious something about your DH and his ex still worries you. And even more obvious, is that your DH has absolutely NO CLUE how much this bothers you.
I suggest you explain it completely to your DH before you throw in the towel. Men don't take hints or clues well. You have to explicitly TELL them what bothers you and exactly how it makes you feel. Explain that you want it to NEVER happen again. Trust me, men need to be TOLD what you want. If he's a jerk and simply doesn't give a damn after being told EXACTLY how you feel, then end the relationship because he won't change.
I'm not jealous of BM nor do
I'm not jealous of BM nor do I fear anything going on between H and her. We spent $20K plus on court over the last 3 years to establish p/u's at a neutral spot due to the problems we had when H used to p/u at BM's home (withholding SD, arguments, cops getting called, waiting hours for SD to emerge from the house, etc). So that is one reason that him even picking SD up at BM's bothers me.
The main reason though is that BM is an extremely HC cluster-B and giving her an inch starts the cycle of madness all over again. I am so done dealing with her shit. I would think H would be as well, but he doesn't seem to recognize that something as simple as stepping inside her home for a minute during p/u gives her a level of control that will take months of going back to low contact to remedy.
If it didn't affect me, I wouldn't give a crap. But it does, he knows how I feel about it, and he refuses to change.
i agree with you it bothers
i agree with you it bothers me as well especially when he doesn't tell me about it and you just have a hunch about it... but in my case bm would be txtn me to let me know... just the way she is... my bm is completely evil... don't throw in the towel unless that is what you want to do and you wont later regret your choice
Reading this post hit so
Reading this post hit so close to home. My heart completely goes out to you, OP. I know exactly how you feel. My SO refuses to set boundaries with BM because he believes that by doing so that he is somehow failing as a parent. If he picks up/drops off SD5 at BM's house then he always goes in. He thinks it's negative for his daughter if he just waits in the car. BM won't come near our house because she doesn't like me, which is great as far as I'm concerned.
I have told him multiple times that it upset me that he goes into her house. She has made many attempts to try to get back together with him, so I don't think that I'm wrong in not wanting him near her more than necessary. His response is "I'm not interested in her so who cares what she thinks." He just doesn't understand how I feel, nor does he even try to understand how I feel. It's INCREDIBLY frustrating. SO and BM both regularly attend dance classes and soccer practices because GOD FORBID they miss a moment of SD's life. He always says they're not there together, but it's still uncomfortable for me.
I know that he's not doing it to hurt me, but because he feels like it's better for his daughter, but once in awhile it would be nice if he could put my feelings first when it comes to his interactions with BM. I don't want to pit myself against his child, but I do want to feel like he's my partner and that we make decisions together. I love SD5, but I'm pretty sure she's a miniwife in the making.