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scarbs06nu's picture

Submitted by scarbs06nu on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 9:15am

I have a bio daughter born September 2012 and a step son born September 2011. I did not come into my situation knowing about my ss. Mom had a few different possibilities for the father and we did not find out until I was already pregnant. So the situation came up from behind. We didn't get visitation until December 2013. Jan, Feb, March we had him normal Friday-Sunday. Starting in April we changed to Thursday-Monday b/c we couldn't afford the child support. So it has been a year and NOTHING has changed. My ss would rather be ANYWHERE but with us. There has been very little progress and every weekend we have him is very stressful.

I don't like him. It is hard to admit that, but I don't. I don't know how to like him. My mom has said that he is a tough kid to like. I am harder on him than I am my daughter. I yell at him a lot. I now know what it feels like for those parents that shake their kids. I'm very embarrassed with my feelings. I'm embarrassed with how I act. I have gotten better but, still not where I need to be. My boyfriend is very supportive of me and knows I'm trying. He'll tell me when I need to calm down. My mom gave me advice to "Let dad handle it" and that's what I'm trying and that seems to help.

I don't know what to do to help my ss be okay at our house and I don't know what to do to help myself.

Comments

Ninji's picture

Submitted by Ninji on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 9:37am

If you are harder on him and you yell at him a lot, no wonder he doesn't want to come to your house. It's a cycle. He is bad, doesn't want to come to your house. You yell and he can tell the difference in the way he is treated compared to your bio kid. He is bad, doesn't want to come to your house. You yell.....

But that's just my opinion...

BSgoinon's picture

Submitted by BSgoinon on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 10:01am

That is a very tough age.

Let me share with you a condensed version of my story.

SS was 1 1/2 when DH and I moved in together. He was very very very much a momma's boy. BM would fill his head with terrible things like telling him I was mean and a monster. That I wasn't allowed to hug him or love him. She told him that going to our house was just a "sleepover" and his REAL home was with her ( we have always had 50/50 custody). He HATED being with us. He cried all the time. He wouldn't eat, he wouldn't poop (seriously, I had to take him to the doctor at least 3 times that I can remember for enemas) it was a nightmare.

I was harder on him than I was on my girls (one that is the same age as SS, they are 3 weeks apart, and the other is 2 years older). I did keep on him an expect him to behave, and when he didn't, he got time outs. The same way the girls did when they acted up, it just wasn't nearly as often. I loved him, and made myself open to him loving me in return. It wasn't his fault he was acting that way. It was his mom. She was attempting to pit us against each other. I was just sure that whatever I did, I was fair. I hugged him when he was hurt, and played with him when it was time to play. And punished him when he was bad.

Fast forward 10 years to today, he is the best kid. He is well balanced, knows that I love him unconditionally. He is well behaved because we stuck with it and didn't give in to his behavior. He knows that his mom is not really known for telling the truth. SS and I are very close. He knows he can count on me for anything. And all that struggle when he was younger, was completely worth it.

Heregoesnothing's picture

Submitted by Heregoesnothing on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 10:02am

Maybe you resent him? You went in not knowing that he existed (or that he would just be a blip on the radar if your BF was not the dad), but you had the rug torn out from under you? Does your BF understand your feelings?

Do you have to do most of the parenting when he is with you? Does his behavior get under your skin more than your BF's? Is it rubbing off on your DD in a negative way?

You may have to back off and leave the parenting to BF. I would suggest taking your daughter out for at least a whole day of his visitation, let dad and son bond and you bond w DD. Give yourself space or you will explode.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 10:10am

b/c we couldn't afford the child support

When you say "WE" couldn't afford CS... were YOU responsible in some way for a portion of the CS? If so I can see where that would lead to anger and resentment by you. Add that to your SS stressful visits and you have a lot of negativity going on in your head. Your SS is little. As you know you have a LONG way to go in this journey if you so choose to stay. I would agree with HRNYC that you should seek out counseling before things get any worse.

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 2:42pm

"I can't imagine yelling at a 3yo. if you feel like shaking him then you need to get some help."

See, this I don't agree with. I think most people think all kinds of things they'd never act on. And if, for example, someone was beaten as a child when their parent got angry, it makes total sense that when that now-adult person feels angry, they think about hitting. That's really old conditioning that doesn't just go away.

But thinking about hitting and actually hitting are completely different. Both my parents grew up with a lot of violence. Neither of them hit us (me, my bro & my sis).

But, I grew up with a lot of aggressive yelling and bullying. I don't do that with my partner or kid.

And even after years of therapy, I can tell you that my fears while pregnant with my own kid were really intense. It would be very nice to not even be able to imagine yelling at a 3 yo.

IMHO the thoughts can be alarming but they are not the problem. I think the OP's problem is more about her feeling powerless. Which makes the anger levels rise.

moeilijk's picture

Submitted by moeilijk on Tue, 01/27/2015 - 1:21pm

Can you say more about your situation?

Personally, I get it. I'd be wanting to yell and scream and lose my mind if I had two little kids, one of whom wasn't mine, both of which cost me a bunch of money and time and energy, one of whom I didn't know about, had no say in and can't walk away from without giving up a partner and possibly time with my own kid. You must feel trapped.

So, how to get un-trapped?

Tell us more about how your day-to-day/week-to-week life is organized. Maybe someone will have a suggestion that can help.