Covering for BioDad Again.
Why oh why, DW, is it our responsibility to cover for BioDad?
SD8's payment for BioDad's portion of SD8's insurance and after school care is due. Technically the insurance is due the first of every month, and the after school care is usually the first week of the month. This month they are 1/1 and 1/5 respectively.
I reminded DW that we need to get the money from BioDad so I can pay the aftercare. (Nevermind that I am the one doing this, if I didn't remind DW to tell BioDad, it wouldn't get done. Same with actually paying for it. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done). This morning I asked DW if she had asked BioDad for the money. She gets a look on her face that I can just tell right off the bat that whatever she says next is not going to make me happy.
DW: "He says he can get us the money on Wednesday."
Me: "It is due Monday. Tell him we need it by then."
DW: "He is having money trouble. He can't get it to us until Wednesday."
Me: "Again? Why is this our problem? Why do we have to keep covering for this asshole?"
DW: "We don't have to keep covering for him. He hasn't done this in a while. He's just having money issues."
Me: "Bullshit. We are constantly covering for him. You can tell him that either we get it by Monday or SD8 doesn't go to after school care. He can pick her up every day after school."
Cue silent treatment from DW.
This moron has the money to take his wife, SD8 and stepdaughter to a different out-of-town comic-book convention every damn month, not to mention buy 20 different ipads, video game systems, etc - but you are telling me he is having "money trouble?" I'll tell you what his trouble with money is - being a complete f-ing idiot with it.
So now DW is pissed at me for demanding that BioDad pay his half ON TIME. DW says she doesn't want to fight over it. Of course not, because she knows that I am right. It is amazing how when she thinks she is right, she wants to argue about it - but if I am right, suddenly she doesn't want to talk about it. I can guarantee you that if the situation was reversed, BioDad would be a huge overwhelming asshole about it and not let DW pay him late (because he is having such money problems all the time).
So now it's either we cover for him, I silently seethe about it - but don't have a pissed off DW to deal with, or I stand my ground and our relationship takes a hit. Again all because of the moron that DW married before me.
I am so ANGRY right now I could just scream. But ultimately I'll probably just end up eating it (or bending over and taking it) because it's easier than having another huge argument with DW.
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I think the other thing that
I think the other thing that totally pisses me off is that SD8 knows none of this, and I do not expect DW will ever tell her what a screw up her dad was her entire youth.
So I will always be the bad guy, just by virtue of being the stepdad. It doesn't matter that I'm really the only father making sure SD8 is taken care of.
DO you really expect your DW
DO you really expect your DW to tell her daughter that Dad is a complete a**hole? None of this is the child's problem (the insurance and the daycare). None of it. Sure, I suppose telling her Daddy is a deadbeat with late payments might give you some sense of satisfaction, you know it's wrong to dump adult bullsh*t on a child. She can't fix it for you and she's eight years old. She loves the guy no matter how big of a jerk you think he is nor how big of one he actually indeed is. The child should know nothing about who and how the daycare is paid for. It's not a burden or guilt to put on her young shoulders. Besides, what would it prove anyway? If Dad pays two days later than usual why does that make YOU the bad guy?
Being the hard*ss in your DW's eyes and/or fighting out of earshot with DW over the late payment? Yeah, sure. That's between the adults. But the child, herself? She shouldn't think any less or more of you over the hows and whys as none of it is her place to worry about. She's not the adult. She's not the parent. This shouldn't even be acknowledge to the child.
Now go confront the DW with your dissatisfaction or just vent here and take whatever crap your DW and her ex decide to pitch your way. But leave the child out of it. She'll figure out soon enough on her own on day. Truth can be a funny thing though. Sometimes it turns out no matter how big of a loser or a**hole the biological parent is or was during the youth years? Kid is going to love them anyway. And if you try and PAS this child against her father? She will indeed grow to think you're the real jerk in all this.
Not right now, no, but some
Not right now, no, but some day I do hope DW tells her - when she is an adult. I suspect it will come up when SD asks DW why she divorced BioDad.
SD8 I do not think can figure it out on her own. It's not my place to tell SD8 that, so I haven't and won't. (Not that it would matter because I'm already the jerk because I'm an actual parent who makes her do terrible things like homework and clean her room!)
"If Dad pays two days later than usual why does that make YOU the bad guy?"
I'm the bad guy because if I say "I'm not paying aftercare until we get BioDad's portion of the money," then SD no longer has aftercare. SD doesn't get to know that it is really her father's fault. All she will know is that Stepdad didn't pay. Next year I'm done with this. I'm going to let BioDad pay the aftercare himself. DW can give him a check for our portion. Then we can see if the shit gets done. My guess: it won't.
Why can't you wife pay them
Why can't you wife pay them directly? Why are the only options you or dad?
Since the man is paying, there's really no reason to ever tell the kid anything about this. There are many deadbeat moms and dads out there that refuse to help cover any of their kid's needs.
Some would argue, if dad is paying CS, he shouldn't have to pay after school care as well.
Dad is not paying CS, and
Dad is not paying CS, and never has. The plan only says BioDad and DW will split things 50/50, including aftercare.
Wife can pay them directly... but they will not split payments for kids with divorced parents. You have to pay it all at once. If wife pays them it has to the the full amount. If we don't receive BioDad's payment on time, that whole amount come out of our joint account.
How about having your wife
How about having your wife open a separate account just for the child care snd insurance. That way her willingness to work with dad, won't impact you financially.
It really sounds like the two of them are willing to work with one another(She isn't freaking about him paying two days late. Neither is trying to get CS with 50/50 custody) which is a good thing. Things may not be great but they are at least trying.
I think the separate account
I think the separate account is a good plan. I could see how expenses could be a pain in the butt, if she has to keep records on splitting everything 50/50. If he pays 50% of everything that is great. Many have a fix amount for child support, if there are extra expenses...that is on the other parent's back.
Keep it simple. Keep the funds separate. Deposit X dollars to start the account, then go from there. If he is never more than a few day late, the X dollars to start the account should cover that.
Let your wife and the child's
Let your wife and the child's dad deal with the payments. Clearly she doesn't have an issue with waiting a few days. Dad isn't trying to worm his way out of the payments, he just needs a few more days to take care of it. If the two of them are willing to work together to get the bills paid, that is wonderful. If you don't like the fact that they are able to work together,then stop handling the payments.
I have no problem with them
I have no problem with them handling the payments together. The problem I have it that BioDad is constantly late, and we constantly have to cover for him on things. Usually money related, but sometimes other things as well.
Even if I'm not handling the payments, if DW handles them it will still be a problem. Because we have a joint account and we'll be waiting for BioDad to pay before we can pay the bill... Which could lead to us overdrafting. He's not trying to skip out on payments, no, but his inability to pay ON TIME still affects us. We are not rich and have a set budget we use each month. His not paying on time throws that off and leads to problems for us.
If we give it all to BioDad to handle and we just give him a check for our portion I still see it being an issue... he will call DW complaining how hard up financially he is (despite traveling out of town for a comic book convention the previous week), and DW will want to cover him by paying the full amount on time.
I totally understand where
I totally understand where you are coming from. Does he also pay child support? Myself, I am OCD about managing money. He might just do it because it wants to piss you off. What are you going to do...take him to court for being a couple days late? If budgeting money is an issue, just budget that he pays one month in the rear. Just cover one month out of your pocket. Then when he pays, you have next month covered in advance.
If he passed away tomorrow or lost his job, where would the money come from? For me, I think it is a more of an issue of disrespect. Let go and let God...life is short.
No, he does not and never has
No, he does not and never has paid CS. The plan just states that they will have 50/50 custody and all expenses will be split 50/50.
Your relationship is taking a
Your relationship is taking a hit either way dude, and it's not because of bio dad, it's because of your wife. The relationship doesn't only take a hit if she gets pissed off about you standing your ground. You building up resentment, having do much anger is taking a toll on the relationship as well.
And while I'm sure it's incredibly annoying to deal with BD doing this over and over, it sounds like you're really more pissed off about how your wife is (not) responding to it. She'd rather work with him, keep the peace with him, not cause him to be put out than do any of that with you. It's a major problem with a lot of the spouses on this board - they'd rather have a huge fight with their current partner than even Think about rocking the boat with the ex.
And why on earth would SD "know that stepdad didn't pay" for aftercare? And who the hell ever gave her the idea that it was Stepdad's job to pay for anything for her? If that came up I would be the one saying your mom and your dad are responsible for paying this for you, not me, take it up with them.
Spot on, Rutherford.
Spot on, Rutherford. ^^^^^^^^^^
The seperate bank account
The seperate bank account seems to be the best idea. The child's aftercare is her bio parents responsibility not yours. If he is late then your wife needs to deal with that. Stand back. I know the consequence might be that the child misses aftercare for a few days but if your wife does not learn the result of her inaction and bio dads late payments you will continue to feel a gry and resentful. Your relationship is suffering, stand back and let them handle this...or not. Please don't involve the kid, its up to her Mom to explain to her if she has to miss aftercare.
The thing about the 20 ipads
The thing about the 20 ipads and comic convention trips is what's really burning. If the dad did this once a year or less and was otherwise responsible probably we'd be talking about a very small molehill.
But BD is out there playing Santa Claus every weekend, winning accolades and adoration from little girls and wives, while Rhino is stuck playing National Bank of Rhino for this guy, eating all the interest and administrative costs, and coming out being stoned to death with the silent treatment from wife and the Big Chill from little sd.
Do you ever talk directly to machine man? Have a man to man with him -- say, "
dude, you know I'm the one financing your daughter's care and your toys. You know it. So here's the thing. I'll cover you this time. I will accept one of your ipads as the interest payment since you say you don't have any cash right now. But the ipad has to paid to me in advance. It has to be an ipad that is current enough that I can sell it. Now for next month, I'm going to need you to pay the full month in advance as soon as you get your next paycheck (the Jan 15) one. So this never happens again, capisce?"
Unshackle yourself from this guy's shenanigans by making a business deal like any other. Leave you DW out of it because she is obstructionist and she has already given you the mantle of authority by letting you handle all of this.
Find some solution along these lines. Whatever you do, do NOT seethe in your resentment. That is the worst thing you could do for your relationship.
And when bio-dad tells Rhino
And when bio-dad tells Rhino to f-off ? What then?
Then take her out of after
Then take her out of after care and let biodad figure out what to do with the child every afternoon.
My feeling is that if Rhino brings the issue out in the open, that bio dad is basically living off of Rhino, his masculinity will be injured. By not naming it for what it is, biodad is just toddling on his merry way telling himself, no prob, ex-wife is a sport. By pulling it out into the open, bio dad can't deny to himself what he's doing any more. The ipad etc is a way for biodad to back out of the situation and save face because he will be paying his own way in some fashion.