BF needs a backbone
Last night I come home from my workout and BF and the girls are home. I barely get in the door when the 10 year old informs me BM had a 'private talk' with her. BM tells her she is not allowed to have any of her 'private talks' with me or she will no longer be able to go to her Dad's house. Her private talks are normal kid stuff...Jack at school doesn't like me...it hurts when I pee ( she has a hygiene issue )...So naturally all 4 kids ignored me all evening.
1. BM could certainly do this as 10 year old is not BFs and he hasn't any legal standing.
2. BF doesn't seem to feel the need to call her out on this crap.
3. This is also hurting the kids.
4. I WILL NOT BE OSTRACIZED IN MY OWN HOME!
A friend of mine tells me I should confront BM. I don't see this happening without jail time in my future as I REALLY detest this woman and her childish bullying antics. So I will not be speaking with her. I cannot live this way! These kids are between the ages of 4 and 10 so too many years of dealing with BM and her shit. BF's spine turns to jello around her! What the hell am I supposed to do???
- emotionally spent's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Consider it a blessing! You
Consider it a blessing! You have every logical reason to disengage now and not suffer any repercussions for it. You no longer have to be held responsible for ANY parenting regarding skids. Do no favors. Invest nothing. And live your life.
Seriously! ^^^^ I don't see
Seriously! ^^^^ I don't see it as being "ostracized in my own home", I see it as people I don't like leaving me the hell alone. Perfect!
This is so true. When one of
This is so true. When one of the parents doesn't step up to the plate regarding the kids rearing, it festers, the situation and your sanity, and a lot of people disassociate themselves from the situation, just to cope. He needs to man up and get into BM ass!
I am so angry! I feel
I am so angry! I feel everytime he lets BM get away with more crap he chooses to 'not piss her off' over my feelings. I am either going to have to disengage or tell him to move back to his own home. It's very hard to disengage as he will let his princesses run the show and I don't allow that. So I am always getting involved again.
We've all been there and back
We've all been there and back and there again. That's why we're here on this site. We could devote an entire blog to the "he'd rather piss me off than step on the bm's toes". Disengaging is a process, like a diet almost. And you really have to commit to it. And like a diet, there will be times you will fall off the proverbial wagon, so to speak. But it works in the long run. It offers you some much needed perspective and peace. And it forces the skids parents to do the parenting, absolving you.
I know how you feel. I won't
I know how you feel. I won't disengage and let children run my house. But that's just my controlling personality.
Meerkat, this is great
Meerkat, this is great advice. I would actually like to do this with my own SD. She thinks that BM and GBM have a say in what goes on in my home, and I would like to make sure she knows that they do not.
OMG I am so close to kicking
OMG I am so close to kicking his ass out. I WILL NOT live my life tip toeing around my own home so as to not to piss off the BM (when I use this acronym it stands for bowel movement it makes me feel a little better). I am either going to have an open and honest relationship with these kids or none. They don't have to like me and I don't have to like them but I am going to enjoy my life. I don't want to lose him but I don't want to lose me in the process either.
It really comes down to two
It really comes down to two things:
1. Either confront BF about his passivity with the BM and demand changes (which usually never happens--you'll get a lot of promises and behaviour will go right back to square one) Then follow through on your ultimatum (i.e. kick him out and be serious about it)
2. Disengage and put up with the behaviour (get the book "Stepmonster" STAT and read thoroughly) IF you feel this man is WORTH having a relationship with outside of his kids. Be advised though, he will usually be PISSED that you gladly "check out" as far as interaction with his kids. They usually expect YOU to do all the leg work in the relationship and subscribe to the "one big happy family" model (TM) all the while accepting and excusing his kids deplorable rudeness toward you so as "not to make waves with the BM" (TM) The immature BM will simply continue to create loyalty conflicts as she feels her "position" has been usurped. It will then digress to parental alienation, IOW, you may be the first on the BM's target list but it usually quickly turns on daddykins should he give an OUNCE of recognition to YOU.
He pays his fair share and I
He pays his fair share and I only accept cash or check...no ass bargaining!
LOL
LOL
You're so right that you
You're so right that you don't have to like each other. But they need to respect you in your home. I've often explained this to my husband. He thinks that I should be concerned if my SD likes me or not, but I don't. What I do care about is getting respect as an adult in the home.
I would tell him to move back
I would tell him to move back to his own home. Take your home back.
^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Before you are in it too deep and bad stuff happens so you can't easily undo the mess!
In my case it would have been
In my case it would have been easier to move in with him (so that I could move out after so much of his shit), but that couldn't happen because he is basically an indigent due to CS and NEEDS to live with (or off) of someone.
No way in hell I would ever
No way in hell I would ever follow BM's rules in MY OWN HOME!! You're BF needs to step up and reclaim his balls. And if BM does come to you to start shit, just say in your head over and over "Prison orange is not my color"
"the whole reason we are in
"the whole reason we are in it to begin with...the DH."
Somewhere down the line I seemed to have lost perspective on this. Somehow it went from dating a man with kids to living with the kids' father!! How did that happen?
The 10 and 8 year old are not
The 10 and 8 year old are not biologically his but he has raised them since they were 3 and 1 respectively. The bio dads are not in the picture. There is a new step dad. The younger two are his bios. He pays CS on his only but buys necessities for all 4.
Marriage is not in the picture and it was made clear he will always have all 4 kids in the picture. BM has used this as leverage.
BF's EX has two children with
BF's EX has two children with another man. After about 2years of us dating, the EX Stepkids decide the want a relationship with BF. I wasn't having it. BF got all huffy and said they were his kids. Hell No. I'm dating a man with 2 kids not 4. I'm not raising two more of BM's kids. He tried to have a relationship with them (didn't bring them into my home) but turns out all the EX Skids really wanted was money anyway.
urrrrm, "The bio dads". so
urrrrm, "The bio dads". so this BF is the third bio dad for four kids.
run babe. run. this is not a bm that you want controlling your home, and the fact that he rolls over and takes it doesnt mean "oh he has such a huge heart in taking in kids that aren't his", it means what you said, he has no backbone. that's not going to change.
permanent partners have "warts". you have to figure out if this is something you are willing to live with. if he's a permanent partner, you gotta accept him warts and all. or end it.
The 10 year old and the 8
The 10 year old and the 8 year old are not related to any adults in the house. BF loves them and wants to help raise them. BM uses this as leverage to get what she wants as BF has NO legal rights in the matter. He does not pay CS but does buy them all necessities. He has them EOW and 3 to 4 nights a week depending on work schedule. It's obvious to me she doesn't want her kids around so I tell him to call her bluff. I'm tired of her manipulations.
Simple--- "Kiddo, your BM's
Simple--- "Kiddo, your BM's rule don't fly in MY HOUSE, so when you are here, you talk to whoever you WANT To. Mkay? Good, now run along."