Hubby to SDs' "If I'm not home in a week, then..."
"I won't be helping with any bills!" Okay, I get it, he shouldn't have to pay the bills here, if he is living somewhere else, EXCEPT that his children live here.
I've been being more than nice. He has been coming over for dinner every night, because I didn't want the girls to feel guilty that he was hungry. He has been showering and doing laundry here. I've given him money for gas, twice.
I know he doesn't have a lot of money. I get it, but yesterday, we got a shut off notice for the electric, for $526. That is more than half of my monthly income!!!
I paid extra in bills, this month, to. Part of that was a month's worth of old child support that he never paid. I was trying to help him keep his driver's licence.
His problem is that my family invited us all out to breakfast today. My sister was taking an old family friend, who I just so happened to of dated a LONG time ago.
I told sister "NO", but SD15 overheard, and really wanted to go. I called sister back, and said, "Come pick up SD15 only." Sister was on her way, and SD12 said "I want to go..."
So, I called Hubby and explained the situation. Hubby said he didn't have a problem with it. Then, we got there, and fifteen minutes later, Hubby called. He was yelling saying that he was on his way to pick up the girls.
I told Hubby that HE needed to tell the girls that, because they had both heard my conversation with him earlier. I handed SD15 the phone and Hubby hung up. Then, he called back.
I answered, and I told Hubby that he was being ridiculous. I told him that if he wanted to come to us and cause a scene, I couldn't stop him, but neither girl would go with him, unless they WANTED TO.
For the record, there were ten of us at breakfast. Myself and the SDs sat at one end of the table, and Family Friend went to sit next to us. My mom spoke up and said "Family Friend, why don't you sit on the other side of me?" So, he sat on the same side of the table with me, with three people between us. I think that we spoke ten words to each other, including "These are my kids."
Hubby showed up about thirty minutes after we got home. He asked the girls, "Do you think I'd of beaten all three of your asses a week ago, if this had happened?" and both girls said, yes. Then he asked them "Do you think I might of killed you?" and both girls agreed with him again.
And that's it... that's the reason why I haven't attended my family reunion for the last eight years, the reason me and the girls never go on four wheeling weekends with the family, or to bonfires, football parties or any other get together that isn't a major holiday or birthday.. because Hubby will get uncontrollably mad. He gets red hot when I go out with my (female) cousin, every other week, and all we do is go to the dollar store, or the mall. We'd stay at my house, but he makes her so uncomfortable!
I DON'T WANT THAT LIFE & I DON'T WANT IT FOR SDS!!! That is my biggest motivator here. I don't want the SDs to think that this is a normal life.
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Sweet Pea, he meant he'd of
Sweet Pea, he meant he'd of killed all three of us.. for something he had said was okay!!
You're right... this isn't out of the blue. I just never thought of it as abusive, before. Or, it was always something I was willing to put up with, before the kids came.
Part of me is heart broken, I miss him so much, sometimes! But then there is the part that sees the girls smiling and laughing. SD12 has relaxed for the first time in weeks. SD15 has quit complaining about every little thing!
I called the women's shelter
I called the women's shelter today, actually. Hubby said the comment about not helping as he was walking out the door, so I called them to see if there was any help they could direct me towards. I will call them back tomorrow.
I've already contacted legal aid. I'm waiting on them to get back to me, because I want to get a legal separation and a custody order that gives him supervised visits for the near future. I know I need to start taking the current custody order with us, to!
Thank you
Thank you
That it NOT normal behaviour.
That it NOT normal behaviour. You should not allow this man within ten feet of you and the children, never mind in your home. He is not safe to be around.
LuckyGirl, thanks for the
LuckyGirl, thanks for the advice. I know that both SDs were nervous with him being here after that. This is fricking HARD!
Can you change the locks? I
Can you change the locks? I would do it quietly and instruct the girls not to mention it to him for the time being. You don't want someone who is not in a sound state of mind, to have unlimited access to your home. It's an awful thing to even think, but better safe than sorry
What an awful thing to go through
I actually did that within
I actually did that within hours of telling him to move out! Thanks for the advice, though!
please read this twice before
please read this twice before responding. Don't you think he is getting mixed messages?
You feed him, allow him to shower, allow his daughters to see him while he continues his irresponsible behaviour. Yet you get upset when you involve him in every decision and he interferes because he knows your plans.
Part of your 'recovery' will be to work out what he needs to know an what he doesn't need to know. You went for breakfast with family and friends. HE doesn't need to know that someone you dated a long time ago was going to be there. This is part of your problem. You try very hard to explain how innocent this all is (and of course it is) by overdoing the explanations as to why your husband has nothing to worry about.
He should trust you to make good choices. He doesn't. He controls the family with his anger. And all the agreements and nice conversations in the world will not make this OK or permissible.
Imagine if he lost his temper while in your home and nearly killed you. In court the judge would hear how 'scared' you were of him that you allowed him back for meals and to change his clothes and use the laundry. And you gave him money. Does that sound like you are scared for your life and that of his daughters?
You cannot continue this middle ground where you call him and explain something and tell him he has to tell his daughters why they cannot do something you already told them about. Nor can you continue to allow someone who is dangerous and abusive into your home. He needs to stay away or you let him back. One or the other. Allowing him access to the home will only make it easier in court later.
Be careful and don't share all the details of your life with him. When my ex first left he would call to talk to our kids (he moved back to his home country)and want to chat with me first. It was a very hard habit to break and not give him any information about my life. He wanted out of it so he wasn't entitled to any information.
^^^^THIS^^^^^ Please read
^^^^THIS^^^^^
Please read and reread what oneoffour said in her post.
I'm sure it is hard to not allow your DH back into your home, especially since he is being somewhat more calm, kind and rational. But less than a week ago he had your SD's agreeing that they believed he was capable of beating and/or killing all 3 of you. This is not a rational or safe person to be around. This is how DV situations can turn even worse; he showed what he is capable of doing, and when you stood up to him he began being 'nice' again. Don't let his facade trick you into letting down your guard.
Stay safe and stay strong. If he actually is truly committed to changing and being a normal husband and father again, he should be understanding of you needing LONG TERM proof that you and the girls will be safe.
This gives me something to
This gives me something to think about tonight. I know I need to make big changes in my life. I know that I have a lot to think about.
I imagine I will have something more to say about this in the morning.. But tomorrow seems like a long time off right now!
I share guardianship of both
I share guardianship of both girls with their father. I paid for all the legal stuff when we got custody, and I wanted my name on all the paperwork. The way that the attorney explained it, if Hubby and I were to divorce, we would have to work out custody again.
I'm so glad, now, that I got it done that way! SD15 said today that she wants me to just get custody of her, and her father have no rights at all. I think that is so sad, but that's the situation she's in.
My sister actually went to
My sister actually went to court last week for a custody order. During her time with the judge, and dealing with the police they told her that she needed the same paperwork that I have. I also need to keep the paperwork on me, in case Hubby tries to make them go with him, and we're not at home.
I've decided that you guys are right.. it's not good for Hubby to be here every single day. I was doing it that way, because I thought it was what Sd12 needed. (She has huge abandonment issues because of her past.) SD12 told me today that she thinks he is coming over too often.
I already called Hubby and told him not to come by tonight. I will discuss tapering it off with him, some other time. I hope I can just DO it, without having to say that he's coming over too often.