Thanks for the ideas earlier.....and pick up went as I expected
SO I get to where I am to pick SD up and I was 15 mins early. SF is almost always 20 mins early so when no one was there I knew it was going to be BM however lets be honest I knew that before I left the house with all the damn knots in my stomach. SO she gets SD out of the car and leans down on the other side of the car whispering to her about only God knows what for about 10 mins. Then she walks SD around the car to me and says "Umm DH needs to let me know in the future if your going to be picking SD up. I was not expecting this. I was expecting him". I said well you never let him know when SF is picking her up or dropping her off." Bm leans down to SD, puts a hand on her shoulder and says "well that was nice." I said "well Im not getting in the middle of it BM, you need to talk to DH about that." She got all kissy face with SD and left. Not 10 mins down the fucking road the cell phone starts going off. I had it since I was running around with the kids today and we share a cell cuz we only use it when we are out, we have a home phone as well. Its cheaper this way. First texts says something along the lines of "SD expressed to me that SM makes her uncomfortable when she gets on (I think she meant in) the shower with her. She is almost 7 years old and can shower by herself. If I find out that your GIRLFRIEND continues to "assist" MY daughter in the shower I will be calling CPS and seeing what can be done. That is highly inappropriate. SD has asked for privacy, I don't think that's too much to ask." I saw this and almost pulled the fuck over! I haven't taken a shower with that kid since she was 3! And she used to ask to shower with me and since she was young and we were both girls we didn't see an issue with it. (maybe some will disagree, but that's how we felt). Since then I only help her wash her hair, then leave her to it. If I DIDNT help her with her hair she would get out with shit tons of shampoo and conditioner in her hair. DH doesn't feel comfortable at this age being in there to help unless he absolutely has to. So then she sends another one right after saying basically the same shit to him that she said to me about needed to know who is picking SD up if its not going to be DH. Goes on to say how she doesn't know his GF and there are a lot of bad people out there which is why it says parents must be notified if it is someone other than the bio parents doing the exchange! SHe talked to me like a best friend on the phone for 2 FUCKING YEARS!!!! And FYI you fucking stupid excuse for a fucking mother I never made anyone put a rope around their neck to show them how suffocated I felt!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! I got so pissed I cried half the way home and I know I shouldn't have but I was heated. I turned around and asked SD what she said and she said she told her mother I help her with her hair and no she didn't say it bothers her in anyway. I said you know whats going to happen if you keep saying things like that to your mother? SHes going to make it so you cant see any of us! DO want to never see your father or your sister or your brother again? Shes no. I love you guys very much. I said then you need to stop going back and forth between houses or that's whats going to happen. I said believe me or not your mother is doing everything she can to make it so you never see any of us again. I regreted it as soon as I said it but you know what? Its the fucking truth. I also asked her if she was trying to hurt me. SHe said no, I really love you. Then I turned the radio up loud and cried. I still just want to fucking punch something so hard! I almost called that bitch up....almost....
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I understand your anger, but
I understand your anger, but please don't put SD in the middle of it. It's highly probable that BM is making it ALL up, to get you to react like this, to get SD uncomfortable with you so she won't want to come over.
I'm sorry it went down like
I'm sorry it went down like this.
I know you care about your SD and you are just trying to help your DH out but shit, I would tell him he needs to work something out or that bitch can just keep her daughter until DH can pick her up.
Like I said I regreted what I
Like I said I regreted what I said as soon as I said it. And not that it makes it better but its nothing compared to what BM says to her. I am usually VERY VERY careful what I say to SD. And yes I do love her very much and I know her mother is conditioning her to say certain things then turning them around to make it even worse but now BM is targeting ME. I forgot the part where I was putting SD in the car and BM turns around looking so sorry for SD and says well baby TRYYYY to have a good time. I smiled and said she always has a wonderful time. Not saying Im proud of what I said to SD, but damn everyone has breaking points. I just wish SD would get she needs to stop going back and forth between the houses....Really wish....
Well that's not nearly as bad
Well that's not nearly as bad as what I said....But I see what your saying. Honestly now Im worried that explaining it to her and apologizing will be her next big convo on the phone with BM since BM makes her think she needs to call her twice a day. But Im going to do it anyway and if it all gets back to BM at least I can say I talked to her and apologized and such.....I don't think Ive ever been this pissed or upset over BM situations. As soon as I got home. I explained everything to DH and got right on here for advice. I don't know what Id do with out you people sometimes!!!!
I completely agree with this!
I completely agree with this! I too said things I should not have to my skids, usually in anger. They were always shocked because I tended to be the neutral party while BM and ex blew up (put it this way, last night I picked up BS7, no issue. BM and ex ended up with police there, I drove away before that circus).
I would always sit the kids down and apologize, explain how I was upset, and why, and use it as a teaching moment for them on emotions. Now, over 2 years after I split with ex I have a reasonable relationship still with skids. In fact when new-GF bitches about me the skids will defend me (per ex and BS7).
Just know everyone is human and makes mistakes, but we need to own them or minor errors can become huge freaking pits you cannot dig out of.
You have to work on getting to a point where the other side does not affect you. Ex tried last night to say how evil I was to go camping without son, son defended me saying "it was grown up time for mommy" and I simply said BS7 knows I love him, but that does not mean I sit at home for 2 weeks pining, but a year ago I probably would have risen to the bait and gone crazy and defensive (which is what he wanted).
wonderful idea! I will bring
wonderful idea! I will bring this up to DH!
Awsome! Deff bringing this up
Awsome! Deff bringing this up to DH.
Though it's a hassle, why not
Though it's a hassle, why not start washing SD's hair at the kitchen sink? Push a chair up she can get on her knees if necessary. This way neither you or Dad have to go in and do the wash in the shower.
High conflict BM's looking to make trouble will do so by any means possible. The sink just makes one less issue.
May have to start doing this.
May have to start doing this. I don't think BM uses conditioner in her hair so maybe she doesn't get it....idk
omg...laughing so hard!!!!
omg...laughing so hard!!!! don't know all the text talk!
Thanks for the kind words. Im
Thanks for the kind words. Im still trying not to cry and put a happy face on since all the kids are still up. To boot BM also has a SD around the same age and they have another daughter together. Im sure its lovely in that house on a regular basis!
That's a good idea with SD. I
That's a good idea with SD. I think Ill do that. I think DH is going to take her for a walk and have a talk with her just the 2 of them as well. I just told him I want to talk to her when they get back and what I want to say and he agrees. DH actually called me when I was on my way home and could tell I was crying and asked if BM fucked with me. I said yes and Ill talk to you when I get home. SO he knows and has seen the texts. He wrote her back and part of it is almost exactly what you suggested Dtzyblnd. Literally almost word for word
Great minds right? Anyway he added some other shit in there that is true but is deff going to fire her up. For example "and you know SM very well. you used to talk to her all the time before we started court over where SD would go to school and you actually said you were glad I had settled down with her instead of some crazy chick. And SM never made anyone put a rope around their own neck and choke themselves so I think I have more cause for concern than you do. And you would know its SM that pick SD up most of the time if you were at transfers more than 6 times a year yourself." After addressing her "concerns" he asked where her summer journal was that she made such a big freakin deal about in the beginning of the summer and weather or not she had talked to SD about the hiegyne issue he had mentioned to her. and asked if she had any IMPORTANT information to pass along. Otherwise have a pleasant night! Im not gonna lie. I feel a lot better after him setting some shit straight. He also mentioned that she can call CPS if she wishes. That we aren't worried in the least. He said I don't know if you know this but the state let me adopt BS6 and you cant imagine the hoops I had to go through for that so bring CPS on. I guess I just lost it a bit when she started accusing me of being inappropriate with SD which she stated was HER DAUGHTER. Myself and my 2 younger sisters were molested by my bio as children. I was 3 for God's sake. I went through a lot of counseling and anger management as a teen and got past it but my eyes are WIDE open when it comes to my kids. I would NEVER....Absolutely NEVER be inappropriate with a child. Of course I cant explain all THAT to SD but I will talk to her and let her know my being upset was misplaced. Thanks for the sound advice as always Dtzy!
glad you're feeling better
glad you're feeling better now.
didn't mean to guilt you earlier, we all say things we don't mean. What I was saying is - that is what BM wants. You to get upset. So just try not to let her get to you. that'll drive her INSANE. Crazy folk HATE to be ignored.
Im lucky. Hes a good man! But
Im lucky. Hes a good man! But you(and others) also helped sooooooo much! You ladies (a few gents) are my life line! Thank you all so very very much!
Thanks all! ANd no I didn't
Thanks all! ANd no I didn't take offence to anything said. I know what I said shouldn't have been said. DH and SD went for a walk and just got back. SHe picked me flowers on the way back
DH and SD talked about me being upset. Dh explained that I wasn't upset with her but upset with what BM said. SD says but SM was crying. DH said Yeah I know cuz she was hurt but not by you, she loves you very much. He also explained that sometimes when 2 people are together and have a kid and split up the parents don't always get along and sometimes they say mean things but the most important thing is that you have 4 parents that love you. WHen they got home She gave me the flowers and I almost started crying again. I explained to her that I was sorry and that I wasn't upset with her but at what BM said and that I shouldn't have said what I said, no one should. Explained that I love her so very much and we hugged really tightly for a while and it was great. We both feel better! No response back from BM after the last text (thank God...sure she will start in again tomorrow though as usual). Also DH and SD talked about what BM was saying to her when she was crouched down on the other side of the car when I picked her up and it turns out BM was telling her "You know shes not your real mom right? Im your mom and shes not." SD says "yeah I know but shes my stepmom and I love her." BM was telling her she didn't need to love me and IM just DHs GF. I have been in her life since she can remember. Either way SD still loves me and BM so far can kiss my ass. It touches me though that SD was so concerned about me being upset. She really is a sweet girl. I cant believe BM is so jelouse she said those things to SD as I was standing next to the car waiting to load SD in. Now that Im calm and rational its obvious. Now I just feel horrible for SD. I never imagined BM was that jelouse of me....craziness
Sweatpea and Millhouse...your
Sweatpea and Millhouse...your making me cry all over again..lol..no seriously...im good..you ladies helped so much! I just hope BM gets it now and shuts up but im sure tomorrow will be so much fun..uggg.....
If you care about the child,
If you care about the child, as you obviously do, sometimes these errors become the best teaching moment...they open the door for conversations that would not be had otherwise.
I find the best teaching moments for my son are the odd times he gets in real trouble. Not right away, but when we sit and discuss the actions and reactions a stronger bond is formed through mutual understanding.
So, sit back, relax and enjoy a great time with YOUR family
agreed! SD and I had our
agreed! SD and I had our moment tonight. Things are great. Im a very lucky person! Lucky SM!
I haven't read everyone's
I haven't read everyone's responses so this may not be a popular response.
1. give yourself a break. don't feel bad. bm baited you into saying something.
2. don't you or dh respond to her text. there's nothing to reply. unless there's an emergency or change in pickup or drop off, you don't have to respond to anything she says.
3. it's ok to tell your sd what's going on. she's 7. it sucks for her to have to know things like this, but she's a kid of divorce, so she already knows. kids appreciate honesty. she will respect you more for telling her the truth than for allowing her mother to manipulate her and cause problems. I don't think she needs to know details but when bm is putting words in her mouth, it's entirely ok for you to clarify. at 7 she knows what a lie is. and that lieing is bad. it's not your fault her mom is a liar.
hugs!