Never happy with visitation?
Wonder if anyone else's SO goes through this and how you deal with it. My BF currently has his kids EOWE, multiple weeks during the summer, pretty much the entire Christmas vacation (3 weeks), Spring break, every other day they have off for school holidays and any other time the BM just wants him to take them, yet he is never happy with the amount of visitation that he gets. I posted before that when BF and I met 4 years ago, he only had the kids eowe and 1 week during Christmas and was perfectly fine with it, but ever since he got a taste of them being around more, now he wants more and more. He hasn't asked the BM for more time, but just jumps at the chance to keep them whenever he can and always leaves the option open for her or the kids to ask by saying things like "just let me know if you want me to keep them".
We have arguments about this, including last night because it seems like he can't be happy being just BF and me. It's like he isn't fulfilled unless he has unlimited access to the kids whenever and wherever he wants. I told him that he isn't BF anymore, he's SD and SS' father now which I really have a hard time with. I have a daughter too, but she is grown at nearly 21years old and even when she was young, I never revolved my life around her and lost my own identity to be BD's mother instead of me. The only thing I get in return from BF is that he "doesn't see them enough". Well what the hell is enough???? Why can't he just enjoy the time that he does have and then relish in the free time that it can be just me and him and he doesn't have to be a father for a little while? He isn't miserable when we are together just us and he certainly does make time for us to do things together, but there is just this vibe that I get from him that he wants to be with the kids. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this and it is certainly affecting our future. I know the "default" response here is just to leave, but while that is a decision I am still waivering on, does anyone else go through this and how do you deal with it?
- justthegirlfriend13's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Question: When they are
Question: When they are over, does he actually PARENT them, providing them with instruction and guidance as well as supervision? Or does he free range and Disney them?
Does he set aside any alone time with you?
In my case, biodad was EXACTLY like BF. . . yet he would NEVER discipline or guide them, nor providce any supervision. They would be picking up power saws and swinging axes with him whistling a happy tune and ignoring the whole thing. He would attempt to buy their love and bribe them to come over (despite the BM wanting them to have a horrid time at my house). He said things to me like "You go to that company Xmas party alone--my kids NEEEEEEEED me." or "We see each other during the week after work--that is plenty enough time."
Well that's another thing I
Well that's another thing I just don't get. When the kids are with him, he rarely spends any time with them anyway! SD many weekends spends overnights at her friends house that lives next door. She is almost 12 so getting to the point that she wants to be with friends more than dad. SD10 just stays in his room playing video games all day. Maybe once a day they will get in the pool and they will eat breakfast and sometimes dinner together, but that's it. It's either the fact that the kids ask to be there so he wants to please them or he thinks that even them being in the same house is being together. I don't get it. He even admits he should do more with them, but doesn't.
He is also a very lazy parent, yes and even admits it. The kids have no rules, no discipline and most of the times he "can't be bothered" (his words) to actually do anything.
My DH is the same way. He
My DH is the same way. He will jump at any extra time to 'see his kiiiiiiddddsss', but when they come over, they retreat to their room after about 30 seconds to watch tv and don't come out unless we are eating. I was discussing this with a friend the other day, and I had the idea that I can just leave their tv on with the volume up too loud to make him feel like his kids are there. The same way people leave the tv on for their dogs when they aren't home.
I just don't get it, if you miss them so much, why spend your time 'together' in separate rooms?
It's interesting as many tell
It's interesting as many tell us "you knew what you were getting into". Well, yes, in a way. When I met DH he had skid EOW only and never on holidays and never on vacation because BM would NOT allow it. Even then, many times she interfered with the EOW. THAT is what I was getting into. Amazingly enough, once I came around, she pushed and pushed for him to have her MORE AND MORE AND MORE although she KNEW he was working and I would be stuck taking care of HER kid. I know she did it just to piss me off and to find out more about me/our home. I put a stop to it quickly. While DH has every right to see his kid more often, I let him know he could ONLY do that if HE was not working…after just a few times of BM accusing me of crap, I was never again going to take care of her kid so that she could have fun and DH work. Never. Also, when DH decided to see her more often and instead changed his work schedule so that when he had her, he didn't have to work but when we had an alone weekend he did have to work, then again after a while I got sick of it and started doing my own thing when he had her. I was not going to be stuck at home on the weekends because he chose to work on the weekends he didn't have her and then think I had to sit around playing mommy the rest of the time. Sorry, she is NOT my child. Believe me that this was NOT my original intent, believe me that when I started out I did many things for loser and crazy witch, but as soon as I realized (maybe 4-6mos into it), that nothing I did was ever good enough and they were going to treat me like crap regardless, I continued MY life. He can see his kids if he wants, but when we met that is NOT how it was and therefore, I had no responsibility to change my life for him.
Visitation is fine if: 1.
Visitation is fine if:
1. There is a child world and an adult world and that boundary isn't crossed
2. The adults are calling the shots
3. The children are able to safely self-entertain without much supervision
4. There are real life activities and chores not a three ringed 24/7 entertainment circus
5. The children go to bed at a reasonable hour leaving adult time reserved in the evening
You know, the way it USED to be until kid worship became popular.
My DH does this too. Crabby
My DH does this too. Crabby and moody on the weekends we don’t have SS17 and/or SS19 and not content to just spend time with me…. Even though we can afford to do more things like movies and dinner on the weeks we don’t have them, he doesn’t appreciate that fact… because he’s loooooonely without his booooyyys. I wish they would spend more time in their rooms while they are here. Unfortunately the only TV is in the living room and so they are always there… in our faces the entire time. And God forbid I go into the kitchen because food might be coming out without them knowing… so they follow me in there and hover, expecting me to make them whatever I’m getting for myself. Even if I keep frozen pizzas and burritos and their cupboards stocked with food they can easily make, they always want whatever I’m making, no matter what it is. Then if I cave and make some for them, they smother it in 3 inches of condiments, processed cheese, parmesan cheese and hot sauce and proceed to the living room to slurp it down as loudly and annoying as possible while we try to hear what’s on TV above the smacking and slurping. It’s gross. SS17 can’t drink any liquids without slurping every sip as loudly as possible… then when he’s done eating or drinking, he vibrates his lips loudly and sprays spit all over then either farts or burps and 20 minutes later goes into the bathroom to take a half hour dump and clog the toilet…. Or piss all over the seat, wall and floor. Yuck!
Putting a tv in the skids
Putting a tv in the skids room was one of the best decisions I've ever made. And I have made it clear that the tv in the living room is never allowed to have kid tv on it. And I have a small tv in my room for when they're really driving me nuts.
You are giving me post skid
You are giving me post skid traumatic flashbacks ((SHUDDER))
I think a lot of it stems
I think a lot of it stems from the "One Big Happy Family" (TM) model. Men tend to think that NOTHING will change when they break up with the BM. That they will go on their happy way--everyone will, ney MUST be happy and that no PASing could possibly be taking place.
They'll just sit back, kick off their shoes, be the "cool" parent whilst SM herds his cattle.
They are also SHOCKED when
They are also SHOCKED when things don't go as smoothly as they THOUGHT it would post divorce. They can no longer DELUDE themselves into thinking that they are in an "amiable" break up. And as you mentioned, the guilt drives them to have their children over more and more to re-create the "feeling" of the pitter patter of little feet that they once had living with the BM. Hell they even have to have some sort of sound drowning out their thoughts like blasting TV, stereo, you name it.
Sounds like your DH parents
Sounds like your DH parents for real. Doesn't sound like the poster's BF is interested in parenting. Just quantity over quality. White noise in the background, then moping when they aren't around. This type of "dad" wants his children around for purely selfish reasons. He gets a high off of Disneying; assuaging his guilt of not having them under the same roof 24/7.
Makes him feel like a "good daddy." I used to ponder this with the biodad I live with. Odds are if he DID live with them 24/7, he'd pay little to no attention as he himself was raised by elderly parents who couldn't be bothered.
We have custodial "fathers" on this site who leave all the parenting and responsibililty to SM.
If you are intent on REAL parenting then yes, you can legitimately say that EOWE is NOT enough time.
You hit the nail on the head!
You hit the nail on the head! It is that "good daddy" feeling that he gets by having the kids. No matter if he actually spends time with them or not, his guilt is lessened when they are there because he can technically say that he is keeping the kids, his ex gets off his back, the kids are happy and BF doesn't care because having the kids doesn't stop him from doing anything he wants to.
He doesn't seem them as a guest, whereas I do....especially when they come to my house some evenings all in tow! My house is average sized, but would certainly not be big enough for a family of 5 + 2 large dogs to live there full time, so even with an additional 2 people in the house it feels suffocating! I can handle it 1-2 days a month, but not multiple times in the same week!