Not sure why this bothers me so much.

So, this is not our week with SD7... yet SD7's drama continues to play a part in our daily lives.

Last night I was on the phone with my mother (who wanted to talk to my BS3 as they will be visiting in a couple of weeks), and I heard DW's phone ring. She took it and went in to the other room, but I could hear her putting on her "no-nonsense" voice.

After I was done, I asked DW what that call was all about, though I knew it was BioDad calling, and (b) I probably should have just let it go.

Anyway, BioDad was calling my DW because SD7 was refusing to eat dinner. He apparently made her stir-fry, which in itself is amazing because to hear SD7 tell it, they subsist on hot pockets over there. So when Sd7 saw that there were vegetables in the stir-fry she refused to eat it. Flat out told her father "I'm not eating that." He told her she had to, she just said "No" and walked away to her room.

So, instead of actually parenting his child, what does he do? He calls my DW, gives her the scoop and makes HER be the bad guy. She has to get on the phone with SD7 and explain to her that parents work hard to put food on the table, cook it, etc., and that her attitude is disrespectful and hurts feelings. Sd7 continues to bitch about the vegetables and tells DW she just won't eat. DW says "You eat your vegetables over at our house, why are you refusing now?" SD7 replies that it is because at our house we MAKE her eat at least some of her veggies, but Disney Dad never does. And then SD7 says she's just going to go to bed without dinner. DW has to tell her no, that she's going to have TWO scoops of vegetables or else she isn't going to her best friend's birthday party this weekend. SD7 screams that "it isn't fair! the punishment is to hard on her!" DW stands her ground and tells BioDad to call her if SD7 gives him any more problems.

I don't know why, but this irks the hell out of me. Why is it that whenever there is disciplining to be done at BioDad's house, he doesn't do it? Why does he always have to call DW and make her the bad guy? DW was upset after the call, and just not in a good mood. (This is after our conversation on Friday where I mentioned how poorly behaved SD7 is, and how her father enables it). So, I think she is starting to see the light, at least about SD7's behavior. I asked her why he always calls her to solve the problems, and she just says "I don't know."

Should I say something to my DW that if he wants 50/50 custody, he needs to take responsibility and not call her every time the going gets tough? Should I ask her to tell him not to call her about these problems anymore? Or should I just keep my mouth shut?

I think the thing that bugs me is that this has been happening for years now, and hasn't changed. I almost feel like BioDad never got over DW and uses SD7 as an excuse to get DW to do things for him. Also, whenever this happens, DW is in a crap mood for the rest of the day/evening - and that is not fair to me or BS3.

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I asked her why he always

I asked her why he always calls her to solve the problems, and she just says "I don't know."

The real question that should be asked is "Why is DW always taking exHs calls for non-emergency issues?" Speaking as a mom here, we LOVE to be needed. And called upon. Even when it sucks and we profess to despise it, there's sometimes a little part of us that revels in the problem-solving process that child-rearing involves - even if it's problem-solving for someone else.

I almost feel like BioDad never got over DW and uses SD7 as an excuse to get DW to do things for him. Also, whenever this happens, DW is in a crap mood for the rest of the day/evening - and that is not fair to me or BS3.

BioDad is wielding a lot of power in your home: upsetting your DW, and the happiness you and your BS feel in your own home. BioDad is marking "his" territory (your DW) every time he interrupts your happy home by making your DW a little bit miserable.

If this was a BM doing this, I'd say the same: The only person that can stop this, or even begin to address this issue, is your DW. Stop taking the BioDad's calls. Educate yourself on high conflict ex's or PASing ex's (or whatever issue you face with BioDad) and do what you can do keep your happy home. Your DW needs to decide what's more important to her: valuing the life she has with you/BS3 or "keeping the peace" with BioDad.

I know that DW is the only

I know that DW is the only one who can address this. What I'm afraid is that I bring it up, it is just going to lead to a fight. Do I let her know that it bugs me and that I think he needs to parent on his own time and risk the argument, or do I just say "whatever" and let it be?

Guess what? I hate to tell

Guess what?

I hate to tell you but if they were an intact family and she was working nights and he days and he sat his daughter down to give her stir fry and she didnt eat it and reacted that way, guess who he would call? His wife.

I dont see this as a hill to die on.

"I almost feel like BioDad never got over DW and uses SD7 as an excuse to get DW to do things for him."
This sounds insecure. I dont think they are having phone sex while trying to get their daughter on track to eat her damn dinner. He is not asking your wife for anything but her input for their child. They share a child, sorry it is never going to change. It is called parenting and as clueless as he is he is reaching out for help"

What I do see as a hill to die on is the following statement because it impacts you and your child "Also, whenever this happens, DW is in a crap mood for the rest of the day/evening - and that is not fair to me or BS3."

And the next time that happens you need to tell her, when this happens I notice this about how you act. Now you can do what you want when it happens but I will no longer tolerate your being in a crappy mood after that and then me and Bs3 having to deal with it.

Yes, but they are NOT an

Yes, but they are NOT an intact family, and have not been for 7 years. He doesn't need to be calling my wife to parent the child on his time. When they decided to divorce, that was the end of that family. The way I see it - it is his week, he does the parenting. If he doesn't like that, SD7 can stay with us full time.

I'm not insecure in my DW at all - but it does piss me off that BioDad uses Sd7 as an excuse to constantly be texting/calling my DW. It's almost like he is another child that she has to take care of.

I've spoken to her about how she acts and her crappy mood afterwards, it doesn't make any difference. She still picks up the phone when he calls.

I don't believe that parents

I don't believe that parents should only talk to each other in emergency situations.

To me, it sounds like the bio dad just doesn't know how to parent. Or doesn't want to. I think your wife needs to talk to him about it and give him suggestions on how to handle the 7 year old, since he doesn't seem to be able to. He is going to have to learn how to discipline his child.

The fact that all of this has been happening for years and that your wife tells her ex to call her if he has any more problems, says that the bio dad is not the only enabler.

Yes, but why is that my

Yes, but why is that my wife's job? If he wants to be a better parent, he should do the research himself. DW and Biodad are not married anymore, and have not been a family unit since SD was 3 months old. Why should my DW have to teach him how to parent?

DW is definitely an enabler of this behavior and that makes me angry too. But if I bring it up, it will surely end in argument. And I'm sick of SD7 and BioDad causing arguments.

I also don't think this is a

I also don't think this is a big deal. I don't think he's "marking his territory" either.

In GENERAL I do not like when parents end up with an "I'm going to tell your mom/dad" approach...but sometimes that's what develops. My mom did not discipline us. My dad did. So it was kind of the "when your father gets home..." and I just think that's ineffective parenting.

I'm surprised at the comments

I'm surprised at the comments that say this is okay. If BM was calling all the time for non emergency stuff, our response would be to ignore her. Why is it different for a stepdad?

There is really no reason for the biodad to call if it's not an emergency, and even less of a reason for your wife to entertain this. Ridiculous.

I agree with tabby 1000000%.

I think the crux of this is that the way women and men write are fundamentally different, we'd be writing/typing: BM is texting/calling DH all the time about every little thing related to the skid. She even doesn't know how to get skid to eat dinner and calls DH and upsets everybody.

We'd be on that BM like white on rice, saying she's clearly trying to find ways to maintain contact.

Yeah, I don't get it either.

Yeah, I don't get it either. I think she should ignore him, but getting that across to her has been the hard part.

I do not believe BioDad should be calling every day or texting every day about the precious snowflake, especially when it is for the sole purpose of getting DW to parent for him. I personally don't think it is going to stop until DW takes a hard line and stops answering his calls.

And yes, I feel like it is a double-standard here again. Like BMs are held to a higher standard than BDs. Why exactly is that the case?

^^Ding ding ding. ^^Double

^^Ding ding ding. ^^Double standards at work like you said.

If a BM was calling for numerous idiot reasons and upsetting a SM by doing so, the response would be to stop taking BMs calls. Makes no difference the OP is male. OP deserves to have a home free of BioDad nonsense interference.

Just like a SM. Geez.

Agreed that is what DW needs

Agreed that is what DW needs to do. How do I express that to DW without it starting an argument, that is my problem. And if DW doesn't do it, or doesn't see the need... what then? It bothers me, although it probably shouldn't.

SD7 argues with us at our house too, but gets in trouble for it - put in the corner, sent to room, made to eat more veggies, etc. We don't give her the choice of not to eat what she doesn't like. We give her whatever we are having, and she has to eat at least some of it.

We used to say eat or go to bed with nothing, but DW was too much of a push-over and would eventually make something else for SD7 when she complained about how hungry she was. Sure, she'd make something healthy, but still... it taught the kid she can always beat the punishment.

Sit her down when you guys

Sit her down when you guys are both not stressed out, tell her, "Honey, can we talk? It may be something you are not comfortable with, but I know we're both mature enough to communicate about our needs like adults. I really don't appreciate BD always calling about SD7. I know you are just trying to keep the peace for her sake, but it feels disruptive and disrespectful to our home. He needs to learn to parent in his own home, and I'd really appreciate it and think our marriage will be stronger if you put firm boundaries in place about this.

Please try to see it from my POV. If I called an ex about our kids all the time, or if an ex called me about our kids all the time about every little thing, it would probably drive you crazy because it is unnecessary contact."

If she tries to argue with you, I would say, "I am trying to work on this marriage, which includes compromising for each other. It makes me feel like my feelings don't matter. Again, I think we're both mature enough to sit down and think of a solution without having to argue. I'm NOT saying he can never call our house, but that there needs to be a clear distinction as to what he can call about. Let's talk about what level of emergency would warrant his calls, and how you can communicate that to him. This would be healthier for everyone involved, including SD so she can see that adults need to find solutions for themselves instead of always running to someone else for help."

Whew, this is how my conversations with DH go. Both ways. If your wife is honest enough to see that often times, we women tend to escalate and argue just to be right, then you can get somewhere with this. I always feel apologetic and chastised when I've become argumentative and DH says, "I'm trying to work on our marriage, and don't want to speak to you in a bad tone. Could you do the same?"

I'm more ready to hear him out and be calm and look for a solution when he says that. (Always in a kind voice, though.)

Funny, because he actually learned that from me, whereas I learned the passive aggressive arguing from him.

Good advice, thanks. I'll

Good advice, thanks. I'll have to give it a shot and see how it goes.

You're going to have to

You're going to have to "start the fight" with DW if you want anything to change. This situation certainly won't change itself. A lot of good can come out of "fighting" - women wouldn't have the right to vote if everyone had avoided "fighting." Fighting for a good cause (peace) isn't a bad thing?!

Or learn to live with it (not what I'd do, but to each his own)

It may not be your wife's

It may not be your wife's "job" to teach the bio dad how to parent his daughter, but she does have a stake in it since his ability to parent your SD effectively is lacking, and it is affecting your wife and your life with her. If she can share with the bio dad what works for her in getting SD to eat or whatever, why not?

If she's not interested in how SD is parented at bio dad's or what consequences she has or doesn't have at bio dad's, then she should ignore him. But she's not ignoring him, so.....

You mentioned how poorly behaved SD7 is, and how her father enables it but so does your wife.

You don't mention the bio dad being high conflict, just that the calling and texting bothers you. If he is high conflict, my answer would be different. If he's not high conflict, I don't see what's so wrong in suggesting that your wife share with him what works at your house.

My SD's life would have been greatly improved had my husband's ex not been such a bitch; they might have been able to somewhat co-parent and their daughter definitely would have benefited from that.

It creeps me out too. I think

It creeps me out too. I think sharing is great, but OP's DW didn't share anything with the BD. She diciplined over the phone directly to SD. Almost like her EX wanted to hear her voice kind of thing. It could have been a text - Hey she wont eat her veggies what works at your house? But honestly BD shouldn't have even done that. He should figure it out and if not I guess SD will go to bed hungry.