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Healing from the wounds of rejection

Sparklelady's picture

Submitted by Sparklelady on Tue, 01/28/2014 - 8:10am

Let's call a spade a spade; being rejected by your step kids hurts. Really no point in trying to pretend that it doesn't.

The degree of hurt often depends on the amount of effort that a stepparent put into the relationship. If you jumped in feetfirst, determined to be the best parent that you could be, and in the end found yourself rejected so that the kids could run back to a (insert your descriptor here!) bio mom or dad, you're probably needing to mend some hurt feelings and wounded pride.

I don't think there's any shame in that, after all even wicked stepparents are human!

I do wonder why we worry so much about what the step kids and other people think of our parenting efforts. I wonder why most of us fall into the same trap of wanting to try our very best in the beginning only to end up somewhat bitter and hurt in the end. Most of all, I wonder why we aren't given some sort of instruction manual or disclaimer before we take on stepchildren!

Would I do it again? I admit, some days I'm not sure. I love my husband wholeheartedly. I don't even want to imagine my life without him, and that means that I would HAVE to do it again. But I wouldn't do it the SAME!

Comments

Keepsmiling's picture

Submitted by Keepsmiling on Tue, 01/28/2014 - 8:34am

I have to agree with you. I love my hubby dearly. But,I wouldn't do it the same either. Smile

bluehighlighter's picture

Submitted by bluehighlighter on Tue, 01/28/2014 - 11:02am

thank you for writing this. I was doing what I thought was a very inclusive great job and I thought SS8 and I were doing great and then the holidays came around. I was rejected pretty badly. I cried in the bathroom by myself and wondered what it was that I even was doing. There's not much of a BM to compete with she hasn't been around since he was a baby til this past year, she's had some visitation. I thought we had a bond and then to be rejected totally hurt me so deeply. I made a resolution to do things differently this year. This is only my second year as a SM. I decided I'd be more selfish and that I'd have better boundaries for myself. That's also difficult but much easier than believing and feeling and loving a child so much and then being totally rejected at important times. It's not his fault, I'm sure he's confused or hurting but I no longer want to take the brunt of the fallout so personally. I searched all over for articles and books, etc. and now I'm just taking one day at a time and keeping my distance. It feels like it will be harder to have a close relationship but closeness ended up being manipulation and doormat before so I'll take not being close. I wouldn't do this for any other person.

Sparklelady's picture

Submitted by Sparklelady on Tue, 01/28/2014 - 7:11pm

Hey bluehighlighter,

It's hard to have your heart broken by a child is in it? I'm sorry that it happened to you.

It isn't selfish for you to want to protect your heart you know. It sounds like you're just starting this journey of setting boundaries, and I can tell you from experience that while it is very difficult at first, it really is for the best in the long run. I'm starting to liken the love of a stepchild to the unrequited love of a crush when you were a teenager - no matter what you did for your teenage crush, it was never enough to win their heart! I think this kind of rejection pretty much hurts the same!

Keep doing your reading, you aren't alone in this Smile

CANYOUHELP's picture

Submitted by CANYOUHELP on Thu, 08/30/2018 - 6:29pm

I love my huband, but I would not do it the same way either-- had I seen the big picture beforehand.  I have established my own boundaries now and my life is completely disengaged, so it is so much more peaceful finally; but it took years of misery to arrive here and it is never total utopia. If you can avoid the situation, I would highly recommend it.