Things have been going better. FDH has stepped up with SD's school. But, I still think they're both approaching school in an odd manner. They're both at least marginally focused on the number of assignments SD is getting done every day rather than the work that she is doing, which means that she just goes through the motions and does the assignments rather than actually reading her books and doing her lessons. There's a reason why she's supposed to spend 5 hours a day on school, she's supposed to read the textbooks, do the online lesson, and then do the assignments. But, I have to decide whether I care enough to even engage in that conversation (right now, I don't care enough to engage FDH in that convo). SD seems the most focused on the number of assignments and FDH is at least trying to explain to her that she needs to spend more time on her work overall, but, he's not had an easy time articulating it to her clearly. So, we'll see where that goes I guess.

Aside from that, I'm a bit anxious lately because I'm kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. SD was pretty alienated up until, erm, this fall? I don't know when things changed for her or why things changed. All I know is that GUBM alienated her from us - by directly targeting me - and filled her head with a bunch of lies. And the alienation got bad enough that SD refused to come visit anymore and told FDH that she wanted him to leave me.

But now, she's more aware of the reality of the situation. I'm not sure what got her there because I haven't been present for any of the conversations FDH had with her - if any of them even helped - and I only know life at GUBM's based on the filter of SD. But, SD IS aware of GUBM's issues and her tricks. She told me the other day that she knew GUBM's anger and guilt trips in December coincided with FDH telling GUBM that she would be getting less CS because SD would be here every other month. She said GUBM gave her holy hell about the fact that FDH was saying "every other month" when that's not what she talked about with SD - because SD couldn't come right out and tell her "every other month" until FDH posed that scenario. Because SD knows that GUBM would have unleased the guilt trips to end all guilt trips if she had done it by herself. SD also told me that GUBM tried guilting her about CS and said that it wasn't appropriate for GUBM to talk to her about that. She also mentioned the other night that all the times that she thought GUBM was the fun parent and the nice parent were really just guilt trips from GUBM to try and manipulate her. "None of it was genuine, none of it was my mom being fun or nice, it was all one giant guilt trip."

And, yesterday, SD told me that GUBM is devising new ways of trying to make SD feel guilty for being here or jealous of the fun GUBM is having at home without her. I asked what she meant and she said "Oh, you know, she sends me pictures of my cat every single day and she's started sending me pictures of fun things she's doing that she wouldn't do if I was around, which is annoying because I know why she's doing that. She's trying to make me feel bad a bout being here with you guys." I couldn't help but laugh a bit. I said "I'm sorry, SD, I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at the situation because this is all so typical and textbook. I can't even begin to tell you how many kids in situations like the one you are in have to deal with a bioparent doing this while they're with the other bioparent. But, just remember, it's nothing personal against you and it is likely coming from a place of sadness or insecurity that GUBM is feeling over this sudden change. However, that's nothing for you to feel badly about. It's OK to feel sad if your mom is feeling sad, but, you don't have to shoulder that burden for her." I tried to remain as objective as possible - as I try to do as best as I can when talking to SD about GUBM - but, I find it interesting that she knows what GUBM is up to with all of this. She said "Oh, I know it's nothing personal, it's just annoying that the only time she wants to talk to me when I'm here is to try to make me feel bad about being here."

So, how does a kid go from being so blatantly alienated to being aware, receptive, and open? FDH thinks it's because SD and I bonded over having shitty moms/childhoods, but, she was receptive before that conversation even took place. Sure, there was tension between us the first few days she was here in November, but, it wasn't comparable to the tension I felt from her in the past. And, perhaps the tension on her part was because she felt badly about the past and she doesn't know how to address any of it? (reaching a bit? maybe, but *shrug* just writing out my inner thoughts) I'm grateful that SD is aware now of the truth of this situation, but, at the same time, while I want to let my guard down completely, I'm not ready yet. We've been burned in the past and I'm scared of that happening again. I'm scared that one day SD is going to decide that something I said to her was not right or fair and that she's going to feed that to GUBM and GUBM is going to get her talons hooked in again. But, that's stupid, right? My brain keeps telling me that it's stupid because SD is basically telling me on a regular basis that she knows GUBM does not have her best interest in mind and that she knows GUBM is just trying to manipulate SD and the sitatuion to her own favor.

I also find it interesting that SD is more open with me about all of this than she is with FDH, but, perhaps that's because I don't have the bias of a 16 year long relationship with GUBM and I can validate SD all while removing my feelings about GUBM from the situation when talking to SD. Anyone who has read my blog entries knows how much I loathe GUBM. But, SD does not. She just knows that I think the way GUBM reacts to their situation is unfair all around, but especially unfair to SD. And she knows that I've been there, albeit in a different context (my dad was deceased and my parents weren't separated). Of course, another extra part of my anxiety tells me that even though I can help SD through this bullshit that I'm a horrible example for her because I'm still working through my own shitty childhood and my own anxiety over my relationship with my mom is yet to be controlled.

But, I don't know. I gotta suffocate my inner critic for a while. I think I'm going to use the crappy weather this coming weekend to my benefit here, and spend some more time talking with SD as I have the last few weekends she's been here.