Aaaaaaand, so it begins.
FDH texted GUBM to tell her he is going to enroll SD in the cyber school here in PA the other day. So, he texted her again today, told her he has everything he needs and he's going to begin the process this afternoon.
OF COURSE GUBM finds something to complain about and she demands that he tells her everything about the school because she's not letting SD enroll in just ANY school (clearly, asshat, clearly). FDH says "You have internet access at home, so you can go online, google it, and read the website. I'm enrolling her this afternoon." Good for you, FDH! I'm counting down the minutes before GUBM calls him and screams at him for being a horrible father and tells him she should have never let him sign the birth certificate (because she still beats THAT dead horse).
He also said he's done hiding the truth about GUBM from SD. He told me that he spent her entire childhood covering up GUBM's pathologies and that all it got him was SD choosing to stay with her mom over giving living with him a shot (and this was back when I first met them, WELL before the alienation started, when GUBM ripped her out of her original school district).
I think he just has to monitor himself when he's being real with SD, though. He doesn't want to be nasty like GUBM is, and he also doesn't want to trigger any guilt in SD. Sure, GUBM is sick in the head, but SD already thinks it is her job to take care of GUBM, so, making it seem like GUBM is super sick might make her think she can never leave and must always care for her (I mean, GUBM has already planted the notion in SD's head that the only reason FDH won't leave me is because I'm sick and he feels compelled to take care of me). Basically, he's going to implement the tactics outlined in Divorce Poison, so SD understands what is really going on. Heck, she's 13 stb 14, she's at the age where she can comprehend (mostly) and deal with hearing the truth.
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Doesn't SD live with you guys
Doesn't SD live with you guys now? Why is he giving so much communication to BM? Wasn't BM being a poor parent that made the situation what it is? I just wouldn't tell her anymore than what you have.
I WISH SD lived here - which
I WISH SD lived here - which says a lot considering how rotten she acts towards me. No, SD still lives in NJ with GUBM, which is why he has to tell GUBM that he's doing this. The hope is that it won't be for much longer and that she will ultimately live out here with us.
FDH hasn't told SD much, if anything, about GUBM and how her poor choices in life are now directly impacting SD - he hasn't even told SD about how the only reason she hates me is because GUBM has tricked her into hating me, we're not touching that one, that's for sure. Provided SD moves in with us, that's one for therapy to handle.
His plan as I understand it is to make it clear to SD that GUBM's lifestyle is not the end all be all and that not all parents have their kids' best interests in mind all the time - big emphasis there in regards to GUBM pulling SD out of school and never signing her up for an alternative - and that it is OK for the kids to try to negotiate for what they need/want, that it is NOT wrong for SD to want things outside of what GUBM wants, and that it is not fair for a parent to make the kid responsible for the parent's well being. Everything he has ever wished SD knew for herself, he's going to start bringing into their conversations slowly and consistently.
Oh, it absolutely is a fine
Oh, it absolutely is a fine line for sure. FDH thinks that this is what is best for him and SD as far as opening her eyes to the truth about her life, that NONE of what GUBM does is ever in SD's best interests (I'm about 80% certain SD is already aware of this in a few respects, whether she accepts it as truth or not is another story).
When it comes to alienation, staying silent and passive is deadly - that is the number one thing I picked up from Divorce Poison and I have been sharing that and all the details in the book with FDH. But, again, you're absolutely right. It's a slippery slope from constructive criticism into alienation yourself.
YET! There is definitely
YET! There is definitely progress and hope! The light at the end of that awful, alienating tunnel! We want to foster more critical thinking in SD for sure, we don't want her to think in such black and white terms as she already is - that GUBM is all good and FDH and I are all bad.
I dislike when FDH gets into alienation territory too, so I try to help him be mindful as much as I can - like when he was on the phone with SD a couple weekends ago, I kept quietly reminding him to be diplomatic and to not yell at SD for GUBM's fuck ups (because, really, what's that going to accomplish besides reaffirm any nastiness GUBM has perpetuated already???)
And much as with yinz, the goal isn't cutting SD off from GUBM because we both firmly believe that GUBM and SD deserve to have one another in their life, much as GUBM sucks - I often wonder if GUBM is afraid that we'd do to her what she's been doing to us these past four years, which could possibly explain why she and all alienating parents are so up the backsides of these kids when they're with the target parent. Either that, or she's just afraid that her image as the perfect mother will shatter completely if SD lives with us (which is far more likely as she is BPD and NPD).
Bahahahahahaha! FDH talked to
Bahahahahahaha!
FDH talked to SD following GUBM's massive hissy about the cyber school (she was apparently asking about ish like field trips and gym class...you know, the NOT important stuff about all this?? Make SD get off the couch and go for a jog FFS, and field trips, take her to a flippin museum. Or better yet, send her out here where there are at least FIVE museums within a 10 minute drive of our apartment and WE will take her).
SD said she had already explained everything to GUBM - because she actually read everything FDH had sent her about the school (color me impressed) - and that GUBM was just having a bad day (aw, poor baby) but she (SD) didn't care. She's excited about school and getting to do something.
FDH wrapped up his convo with GUBM by saying "I'm still planning to bring SD out here on the 11th of November. If you have any problem with that, tell me now." And crickets. So, looks like SD will be here starting the 11th of November. How long will she be here? Who knows.
ETA: Forgot to mention that SD basically told GUBM that she is doing this school program whether GUBM likes it or not because she is tired of not being in some sort of school program. Woah, backbone! WTG, SD!
No doubt, there's that sense
No doubt, there's that sense of loyalty that will always be there. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and I still have that pang of loyalty that comes up when even FDH makes an accusation about my mom, so I can definitely empathize with skids that are that way. It's your mom, she's supposed to love you and be there for you and when she's not like that, it's rough as hell. And when someone who is as much a part of you as your mom is criticized, it feels like you're being criticized as well.
We've always taken the diplomatic approach when it comes to SD badmouthing GUBM. She is pretty skilled in making wild, sweeping generalizations about people and we try to help her form a constructive criticism of an action rather than the person as a whole. Like, last year, when SD was here over the summer, everything she reported GUBM doing made GUBM an "idiot" or a "jerk." Like "GUBM bought this organic brand of gnocchi, she's such an idiot for doing that. It tasted like chalk and was horrible. I can't believe she was that dumb." Or "GUBM will only buy me natural deodorant/acne wash, and it doesn't work. I keep telling her that it doesn't work but she keeps buying it. She's being such a jerk." Stuff like that.
We worked our asses off telling her "Well, GUBM just made a choice that you didn't like or agree with, and that's OK. You don't have to like all of the things GUBM does, but, it doesn't make her an awful person" (Imagine how hard saying THAT is). And it was dumb little things, too, it wasn't even big things like taking SD out of school, calling the cops on FDH for asinine reasons, or keeping SD from FDH and his family. We don't tolerate SD badmouthing anyone in our house, even when it's GUBM.