Yesterday was another counseling session that got devoted to the SD hullabaloo rather than focusing on me and the reasons why I'm in therapy. It's hard not to resent the fact that so much of what is supposed to be time for me to deal with my own crap gets devoted to SD and FDH's antics in relation to her anymore. It's necessary right now, but, it would be nice to have a week where I can just work on my anxiety and the crap from my family of origin.

He admitted that he's been dropping the ball and is open to working on it, so, that's a start. At least my therapist laid it out firmly, but nicely, to FDH that his job is to raise and parent SD and that he has to be consistent with the house rules AND the consequences but to also make sure that SD knows that we are a team and will not be divided or played against one another. Additionally, she said that when he drops the ball and I have to say anything to him, it detracts from the fact that he's the one having to parent SD and makes me the bad guy. She suggested some kind of "codeword" that he and I could use so I don't have to sit silently and give him feedback later as well as so I can avoid speaking up and being targeted by SD's anger. I don't know if that's what we're going to do yet or not because it might still come across like I'm guiding things in SD's mind - because that's something she's never given up on, me being the source of her misery with house rules. Maybe I'll just stick to texting him covertly when he talks to her. Or we'll figure something else out. *shrug*

For both of their benefits, she suggested making sure the rules are hanging not only in SD's room (which they currently are not), as well as in the dining room over her workspace for school, and in the kitchen on the fridge, so the places she is the most when she's at our house. FDH said that his problem is being in the heat of the moment and working off the cuff, so, I reminded him that that is why we have the consequences listed out clearly (with one exception because that one applies to a variable rule that could be broken a teensy bit or in a grand scale). So I suggested that, in the future, he can tell SD to go pick out the rule she thinks she broke - or just point it out to her - and then ask her what the consequence is. My therapist agreed and added in the case of the consequence that's open to adjustment, he could then ask SD what SHE thinks it should be to kind of give her pause to assess her behaviors. Of course, if she's all "oh it should be nothing" he could then say "well, since you won't pick, I get to pick."

I also had a chance to get a good chuckle during the session. At one point, we were trying to explain how SD is in counseling now, but that I wanted to kick her counselor for giving her a crutch to use. I then explained how SD latches onto these ideas like they're concrete truths about her being and when I told my counselor what SD's counselor said (about how it takes a kid 10-14 days to adjust to new habits when they switch homes), she snorted and laughed before saying "Yea, RIGHT!" Now, this was, of course SD's account of what her counselor said so it could have been embellished by SD a bit, or misinterpreted, but who knows. Either way, it was funny that my counselor thought it was bull and a convenient way to excuse kids from listening to their parents when they're in a shared living situation. That's not to say there's no adjustment involved whatsoever, but, in this late stage of our lives together, the rules have remained consistently the same (enforcement not so much), so it's more the routine and habits of day-to-day life that's going to take adjusting, like FDH and I not going batshit crazy on SD for every little thing, or, SD having a bedtime every night. Those kinds of things. There are reasons why SD is struggling with following the expectations and rules at our house, and it's not because she goes from house to house every other month. It's because of the hell she grew up in with GUBM as her primary caregiver, but that's another blog for another day.

Also got to let him know directly and clearly that this past week and weekend, he was behaving like SD's happiness was the utmost priority for him - not that it shouldn't be important to him, but that it shouldn't come at the expense of another's needs and it shouldn't be the top priority in his life. Explained to the counselor all that happened and I said "It feels like SD's happiness is more important than my needs and well being." She said that it probably wasn't true, and I agreed and said "No, but it sure feels that way when she gets off scott free without consequences and then gets a treat purchased for her that is detrimental to my well-being." FDH then let it slip that he bought the damn box of donuts because it was easier for him to go to the supermarket to get donuts than it was for him to drive two blocks in the rain and park again to get her a singular donut from Dunkin. *smh*. Well, that at least explains why he's been acting this way, trying to make his life easier. To which I say tough shit, you shouldn't have had a kid if you wanted an easy life. And you shouldn't have had a kid with a psychobatshit GUBM asshat if you wanted any semblance of ease in your life.

That's the big theme with all the bullshit that's been going on. When she asked him why he doesn't enforce the schoolwork consequences - taking away phone, personal laptop, funtime things while she's doing school - he said "I can't take away her phone, it's easier for me to get in touch with her on that than the house phone because I can just text her on her cell phone." So the majority of the time, his motivation is to make his life easier, yet he's disrupting the house because it's causing conflict between him and SD when she doesn't do what she should, between me and SD because she is still treating me like crap (though less so than last week) and acting like she's equal to adult status in the house, and between me and FDH because he's coming across like a big pansy in all of this and afraid to parent his own child. And right now, my needs are to decrease the stress in my life, so, I told him that I need to be able to not get involved with SD's GUBM impressions and to just leave it be for him to handle. He said that he notices I still get stressed and I said "of course I do, when you're not doing something to stop it from happening, it's going to stress me out because it keeps happening."

So why do I say FDH is expecting leaps and bounds? Because of something he said last night and something he said in counseling. What he said in counseling was about co-parenting with me and how he's glad he has someone to parent SD with. Later on that night, it was a little less obvious, but still similar in my opinion.

Quick side note: FDH and I are going to New Orleans in exactly one month from today with his mom and sister. When his mom first invited us I said I wanted the trip to be "adults only" to FDH, meaning that I wanted to take a vacation WITHOUT SD (because I know FDH and I know that if I didn't immediately tell him this that he would push for SD to come). FDH and I haven't had a vacation by ourselves since 2009. I've gone on trips by myself, but, I haven't gone on trips with FDH since then without SD along (and I'm not counting visiting our family in NJ). And this summer, and just like last summer, we'll be going to the beach with his family AND SD, so, I claimed this trip for us. Besides, I don't want to come off a two month SD bender only to have to go somewhere I've always wanted to go WITH her and her issues in tow.

I bought our plane tickets last night so FDH called his mom and sister to let them know we were all set to come on the trip. When FDH got off the phone with his sister, he told me that his sister might be bringing her youngest daughter, who is SD's age, so the trip won't be all adults only if she does. I cocked my eyebrow at him and said "That's totally her call if she wants to bring her daughter with her. You do know there was only ONE kid I was referring to when I said that, right?" He said "yea, OUR kid." With a look of surprise on my face I said "Uhm, I didn't realize that we had a kid, weird. How did I miss that? But if you mean SD then she's YOUR kid, she's not MY kid nor is she OUR kid." And that's part of the problem, I think. He doesn't view SD as his sole responsibility, he thinks we should be a team in parenting and raising her even though everything in the world is saying that HE should do all of that right now because she's HIS kid, and not mine. I don't think he knows how to reconcile it all effectively. But I'm not sure. A convo to have with him another day, maybe when SD's not around. I reiterated to him, though, what I said in counseling. That for my own well-being, I need to be removed from the parenting equation and just free to do my thing and go about my day. That way, when SD starts pulling GUBM antics out her backside, I can just close off to it and ignore it while FDH handles it all.

But, anyway, on to today. Another baby step. FDH left SD's counselor a voicemail today and, before he did, he asked me to provide him with a list of what I think he needs to tell him, so he doesn't forget anything. Hm, that was impressive. So I gave him a nice long list of what he needs to tell the counselor. So hopefully he uses it to his advantage. But we'll see with that as well as everything else. Sorry for the extremely long post, but, I had a lot to share/get out/update on I guess.