There's something going on here. An emotional affair is the only thing that remotely fits. NEED HELP

Okay, so DH and I have been together for five years. When we first got together he was going over to his ex's house, giving her information about me, talking all of the time, and god knows what else.

Since then his ex has stalked him (sitting outside the home at 3 am, showing up at the house while we are both at work without or knowledge, locking my car doors with the keys in the car, this list can go on and on), stalked my BD when she was 5, was caught down at my BD's school trying to entice her over to her home without my knowledge or concent when she was just 5, called CPS on DH and filed false child abuse allegations, harrassed us for the last five years, tried to run me off countless times, tried to get DH to leave me countless times, tried to get their kids to hate me, threatens DH all of the time, is currently trying to extort 25k out of DH, and numerous numerous other things.

I had to force DH to document this behavior via email so that he had something to take to court if he ever needed it. He yelled at me called me names, told me how stupid I was the entire time this was going on. He has never done anything like call the police on any of her illegal behavior but had not problem having me arrested and trying to have me arrested on another incident (he called the police and cliamed that I was stealing the gifts that his parents gave me). He wouldn't tell her for the first year that we were together and that he was in committed relationship because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. He asked me not to do anything about the stalking or illegal enticement of my BD. He defends her if I talk about her crazy behavior. He blames her crazy behavior on me stating things like if I didn't email her about entering our home unlawfully that she wouldn't have lashed out and punished DH for it and that I was the reason she called CPS on him. He has openly badmouthed me to my daughter in front of me for stating things such as she stalked my BD in retalaition to what I said about his ex wife. He shares information such as where my BD will be staying for the summer as well as other things that are none of her business with her. I have asked him for five years to put boundaries on this lady to get her to stop her crazy and illegal behavior and he just can't do it. Even when he does get her to email contact only there's always a reason why he needs to call her like three days after that and then the craziness starts again. He has blamed all of the problems that they have had communicating on me to his ex wife. Any time I bring her up his body language automatically changes and he goes into defenssive mode where he usually lashes out at me. Any time I bring her up in regards to putting boundaries on her, it's fight. He lashes out at me, tells me that he doesn't want to talk about it, and usually stalks off an ignores me, and usually throws a how crazy I am in there somewhere along the way, then he ends up sleeping on the couch for days. He has told me numerous times that if I confront her or call the police in regards to her illegal behavior that he will leave me.

My gut tells me that there is something going on here. Maybe not an emotional affair but it's the closet thing that I can find that even remotely explains this insane behavior between the two of them. They are still connected and he will do nothing to sever that connection. He is supposed to be working on getting the CO hammered out so that she can't use it as weapon against him. He was supposed to start this probably close to six months ago and he hasn't even started yet. In fact, I am the only one who has done anything. I have typed up a bunch of stuff and he has read through it once and that's the most effort he has put into it, other than telling her that he wants to work on it that he has put into it. He claims that he forgets that he needs to work on it and yet he's playing video games, watching football, talking with his dad and brother on the phone about football, drinking, and anything else that srikes his fancy. The bottom line here is that there is alwasy an excuse as to why he can't remember or doesn't have time to do it. By getting the CO hammered out it will put boundaries on her and will stop some of her crazy behavior and yet he won't do it.

Am I wrong here. His excuse is that I wouldn't understand because I have sole and legal custody of my BD where as he has to share custody with his ex. I am under the belief that if I were in the same situation with my ex, regardless of whether or not we shared custody, I would have called the police on him the first time he was in violation of the law with stalking me to the most recent and every time inbetween. I would have set boundaries in place that kept him at bay and if he refused to follow those boundaries like DH's ex does I would have pursued the matter legally.

Can anybody shed some light on this. I have a gut feeling about it. DH has tried to poo poo my feeling away but it has stuck for years. Why would anybody let someone do these things to them without any consequences if there wasn't something there. Am I wrong? Some help would be greatly appreciated.

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You have wasted 5 years of

You have wasted 5 years of your life.

Omg I feel so horrible for you reading this. Why in THE WORLD have you stayed? He isn't only hurting you, he is hurting your own daughter.

Lord. If you were my DH's BM, we would go for full custody ont he simple fact that you allowed a crazy lady to try and kidnap your child & didn't inform the law. & also you let an abusive man talk bad about you to your own child.

You can do better, you deserve better. Put yourself & your child first.

Let's not forget the fact

Let's not forget the fact that he justifys telling me to shut the eff up but not his ex because he cares about me and he doesn't care enough about his ex to tell her to shut the eff up.

And if you ask DH, he'll tell you that his ex would never harm my BD. She would have never taken her. Even though she was told seven days before she pulled that stunt to stay away from my BD because she all of sudden became obsessed with her.

And no need to bash me about not getting the police involved. I already feel like a failure as a parent. But by calling the local police recently I can still file felony frist degree stalking charges against her for what she did with my BD. Of course I had to get DH's approval in order to just make the phone call first.

I'm not here to bash you. I'm

I'm not here to bash you. I'm going to tell you what I'm sure anyone who has cared about you has said.

You are asking for trouble and drama by staying with him. He had you arrested. He let his ex wife try to abduct your BD. & you stayed.

It seems like you enjoy the drama, or the pity/attention you get from it?

I don't know, I don't know you & only know what you have told - but you need to LEAVE. & by not leaving, you are sending a message. That you like your life this way.

You married a man who's still

You married a man who's still obviously in love with his ex because???

Wow. Please leave this bucket

Wow. Please leave this bucket of crazy. You and your daughter deserve better. Give yourself some peace and get the hell out of dodge. Even if he's not having an affair, all the rest of the crap is reason enough to leave!

You know this is wrong... You

You know this is wrong... You know he is still emotionally invested in BM...You know you need to leave.
{{{{Hugs}}}}
I know this hurts & wish you all the best and all the strength you will need.

I am sure I am not telling

I am sure I am not telling you anything you don't already know.

Your a paycheck.
You pay his way in life and keep him in a lifestyle he is enjoying.

Your likely better looking than BM but for some reason you lack self esteem. So he gets the emotional fulfillment and validation from BM while he gets to sleep with you and you roll over, time after time, letting the two of them abuse you, stalk your daughter and you keep paying for him/them to do it.

Definition of insanity: To do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.
How's it working out for you?

What I need is not to be

What I need is not to be bashed on here. I am trying to figure out what my course of action is going to be. He has called me crazy enough times that I doubt myself. My gut tells me something is up between the two of them and the reason for the post is to see if what my gut is telling me is right or if he's just a stupid man.

You are not being bashed.

You are not being bashed. You asked for opinions. We are giving it. Seriously need to protect yourself and your daughter and the way to do that is leave a bad situation. This is not about an emotional affair, this is about the abuse you are getting from him.

You aren't being bashed, you

You aren't being bashed, you are just saying you are because you don't want to take the advice,

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S AN AFFAIR OR NOT. HE ISN'T TREATING YOU GOOD.

Even if he is faithful, HE TREATS YOU LIKE SHIT. So leave.

You don't need us to tell you. You know something isn't right. You know this isn't a loving relationship. You know you aren't being a good mother, or good to yourself by staying.

What else do you need to know to decide to leave?

You need infidelity? Is that the only thing that could make you leave?

I'm sure it's there, but wtf - if it isn't - you still deserve better. Hell anyone deserves better than that.

You need to figure out what

You need to figure out what it is about him that makes you overlook the verbal abuse he is putting you through every time you try to let him know how you feel. What is he actually BRINGING to the relationship?

Whether or not he is having any type of affair is not important. The fact that you feel he may be is enough to go on. You do not have to validate yourself to anyone. The suspicion is enough of a reason to end this.

After you've determined what keeps you there, think about the past five years. Have there been more unhappy times than happy times? Do you think your shoulders would feel less heavy if you unloaded this guy and his obvious obsession with his past life?

One thing the others have hit on that is absolutely right on is that YOU don't deserve to be treated this way. No one does. A marriage is supposed to bond two people that love each other and enjoy being together. It's not ever going to be rainbows and butterflies all of the time, but it should be most of the time. The pros should always outweigh the cons.

You already know your answer. You just need the courage to execute it.

You need to get out of this

You need to get out of this toxic situation. He doesn't love you or he wouldn't treat you this way. Also, you are endangering your child and that is not right....Seriously, I don't advocate leaving, but this is not getting any better and you need to protect your kid. That is your one responsibility. Not him and his crazy ex.

Whether something is going on

Whether something is going on between them or not, there are too many other dealbreakers in your post (for me IMHO anyway). If you took out the affair part out of your thinking, is what you are left with reason enough to leave anyway?

Sounds like they are enmeshed in each other, but even if they aren't, the other stuff is too too much to bear.

**Hugs to you***

Sounds like to me you need to

Sounds like to me you need to start creating your exit plan for you and your BD's sake.

He is treating you (and your BD) terrible and you are allowing it for whatever reason. Sorry but it's the truth.

Sounds like to me he is still enmeshed with his ex and cares more about her, her feelings and her well being more than yours!

I would leave...

May I ask why you have

May I ask why you have stayed? No, I am not trying to ask it in accusatory tone and please remember that everyone posting here wants you HAPPY, HEALTHY AND MOST OF ALL: SAFE.

I understand you are feeling very guilty and lost and deep down know that this is a very harmful and toxic situation. We all do "stupid" or foolish things and give the benefit of the doubt to people because we love them. But sometimes love isn't enough.

So, what are the GOOD things? Are there any? What you would do or tolerate is different from what I would tolerate but remember it is not my life and at the time i am sure whatever reasons you had for enduring this behavior from your DH was reasonable to you at the time.

YES, AN EMPHATIC HELL YES, he is cheating on you with an affair of the heart and has been since you met. I don't know why he and the ex divorced or broke up in the first place.

Forget what you have or haven't done up until now - forgive yourself and focus on what you are going to do MOVING FORWARD.

His ex is remarried with a

His ex is remarried with a new baby. She doesn't want him back. What she wants is control and she wants to punish him for not taking her back. The funny thing is, she's not the one pushing me out the door. He is.

Then has HE not moved on?

I don't think either of them

I don't think either of them have. She is still coming to him with her financial issues hoping that he will help bail her out. And when he won't she'll attack and punish and then I'll get blamed for it.

Here's another little tid bit of a story. DH promised me we would have a child. He told me once the credit card was paid off we would have a child and I gave him a year to get his sh!t together. About 6 months after that conversation I saw a credit card statement out in the garage. He has racked up another 4500 of debt on it all the while I was under the impression that he was paying it off. I confronted him about this and we sat down together and went over the statement. He told me that there was no need to put the money on the credit card and that he did it because he liked having the extra money in our bank account. He now adimitly denies even saying this and claims that he had not choice but to put it on the credit card to keep us afloat. I was there. This is BS. Now, not only is this messed up because he sabatoged the promise he made he also went out and racked up all of this debt without my knowledge what so ever. Last time I checked I am a part of the household as well. I have to tell him if I spend over $200 if I go grocery shopping and yet he hid 4500 worth of debt that he racked up over a 6 month span of time from me.

BM came to him asking for him to sign over 25k worth EITCs to her because she had a baby and needed a bigger home and he was going to do it. He was going to give her exactly what he can't give me in order for me to have another child. A bigger home and money. These are the reasons he gave me for not being able to have another child. WTF is all I have to say. When I brought this up he told me that he never thought about how it would affect me because he doesn't think like a women and didn't know what he was doing. I disagree. He never thinks about me when he does the sh!t that he does. He just does what he wants and then when I tell him that there is someone else involved here and it's not just his life he just poos poos it away and does the same thing over and over and over again. But if I did this to him. Made a decision that would affect him without his knoweldge or concent he would blow up on me, call me names, and god knows what else. And he sees nothing wrong with any of this. NOTHING. NODA. ZIP. He just went behind my back with BM and MIL last month and made agreements with both of them that went against agreements that we made. And then when I called him on it he he was forced to make good on one of the agreements that we made, he tries to make it look like I should be down on me knees thanking him and praising him because he did something that we agreed to do before he made plans with someone else. Is this not insane?

I know this. I just feel

I know this. I just feel like I have been beat down to the point that I have lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I know who I used to be and who I used to be would have given him the middle finger and told him to go eff hiself the minute he refused to involve the police with regards to the stalking and encticement of my BD. Not only did he refuse to not do anything, he asked me not to, and he has tried to convince me of the fact that his ex would have never done anything to my BD. But if I throw the shoe on the other foot and mention my ex doing the same thing with his kids, then that a whole nother deal. My ex apparently looks like someone who can't be trusted where as his ex wouldn't hurt a fly. It's effing insane. I can't believe that I let this happen.

I was not going to comment

I was not going to comment because you seem pretty defensive. But I changed my mind and hope you take this the way it is given.

Why do you love this man?

Just in this blog you have said screams and cusses at you. HE HAD YOU ARRESTED!! He calls you names. He lets his EX be to involved in your life. AND THE BIG ONE...HE WAS OK WITH WHAT EX DID WITH YOUR DD.

What redeeming quality's does this man have? And please do not take offense...but what is your issue that you put up with this and are raising your child there?

Oh and let's not forget the

Oh and let's not forget the fact that he called me a c^nt probably around 20 times last week and half of them were said in front of my BD while she was doing her homework at the kitchen table. This is also the night that he proceeded to tell her that I went to prison and I smoke illegal drugs. Then I had to stop him from coming into the house because he was on his way inside to badmouth my BD's father to her all because I called his ex a stalker who stalked my BD. Not that it mattered. She heard everything he said about her father anyways because of how loud he was talking. But I'm sure that was his goal. Who does these things? This is insane. What type of person does this?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
What type of person allows this? I hate to say it but him and BM are not the only dysfunctional ones in this relationship. With all due respect...get some help to find out why you are allowing this to happen do you and your child.

Find YOUR strength.

I don't know. I don't know

I don't know. I don't know why I let all this happen and didn't leave. I guess I just hopped everything would change eventually. I thought if I gave him enough time he would be able to let his ex wife go.

My views on marriage are a bit tainted since my father used it as a way to legally date people. I just didn't want to walk away thinking that I was doing the wrong thing. And he has called me enough names and claimed that I am crazy enough times that I don't trust my own judgements anymore. That's why I posted this here. I thought maybe if I wasn't the only one that sees it then I'm not crazy like he claims that I am. That I'm right and have every right to be mad.

"And he has called me enough

"And he has called me enough names and claimed that I am crazy enough times that I don't trust my own judgements anymore."

You're in an abusive relationship. The confusion and lack of trust of one's self is the goal of the abuse, so the abused party doesn't leave. This is how he controls you.

It's not your fault. Remember that.

I would stop viewing him as a reasonable partner and start looking to him as the man who will hurt you in order to control you. Don't trust his words; trust yourself.

I think you are dealing with

I think you are dealing with two personality-disordered individuals (DH and BM) who are still emotionally enmeshed, and feel absolutely no reason to leave the enmeshment. DH doesn't put boundaries on her because he doesn't want to. He feels too guilty. He would rather make his wife angry than make his ex-wife angry.

If DH does not support you or even recognize why he needs to put boundaries on BM and stop directing his anger toward you, this is not going to get better. It can't.

You sound like a lovely individual, but it's time to stop letting your mind get distracted by the drama of the moment and start looking at the forest for the trees. Start thinking about yourself and put some serious thought into why you allow yourself be treated this way. Is your relationship what you want BD to model her future relationships on? You don't seem to have anything resembling trust, healthy communication, mutual respect, cherishing one another, etc. She's picking up on that, and I'm willing to bet that if you don't make some serious changes for yourself, BD's going to find versions of DH for herself when she grows up. I know that you want more for her than that.

You cannot make BM change and you cannot make DH change because you cannot control other people. All you can control is yourself and how you allow others to treat you. Stand up for yourself and mean it. Let your actions - not your words - do the talking to DH. Leave, and don't be scared to do it. That way you will be teaching BD that we all teach others how to treat us, and you aren't being treated well, so it's time to walk out the door toward a better life.

YOU ARE NOT NUTS, YOU ARE NOT

YOU ARE NOT NUTS, YOU ARE NOT WRONG, YOU LOVE HIM AND HE ABUSED THAT.

You have every right to be angry and to say enough. Don't tear yourself apart about could-a, should-a, would-a. Don't feel ashamed. You believed in him because you loved him and he crapped on it and on you.

Now, pull up your bootstraps and get yourself out. You are still you deep inside. Go find her, sweetie!

Thank you.

Next time he calls you crazy

Next time he calls you crazy let him know the ONLY crazy thing you have done is stayed with him & listened to his pleas to let him & his ex abuse you.

Because that's the truth.

& then leave with your head held high

" His excuse is that I

" His excuse is that I wouldn't understand because I have sole and legal custody of my BD where as he has to share custody with his ex".

And there it is. He's not having a emotional affair with this woman. What he's doing is telling you regardless of what this lady does, what she says, how she wants or doesn't want something, he has no intentions of stopping her. If she does it, wants it, it's absolutely ok with him. He doesn't love this woman, he doesn't want her back. What's going on here is he is a spineless fool who will allow this woman to do whatever no matter how bad it is because he is afraid of her and afraid he'll lose custody and/or lose the daughter completely.

It isn't DH doesn't know right from wrong. He does . He sees you as a threat to his custody/access to his daughter if you do anything, anything at all to possibly make this happen. The man would let this woman attempt to run you down with her car, and still not want the police called. He isn't going to go to court for any modifications because he thinks there's a chance he'd lose and have even less access/control with his child.

Bottomline? This man would literally push you/your kid off a cliff than chance anything that might affect him/his kid. The real question here now is , is this the way you intend to live until his kid reaches 18? It isn't going to get better. He isn't going to change what's happening. He doesn't care how unrealistic or irrational he's being. It doesn't matter to him how crazy his ex gets...he's ok with it all. By staying in this marriage and failing to protect yourself and your child you're also choosing to allow all this to continue. Is this man really worth having/keeping when this is the life you have to lead in order to have/keep him? I suppose only you can make that decision. Everytime someone tries to give an opinion and/or advice you claim we're 'bashing' you, so you're going to have to figure out what it is you need to do on your own. Stay and live this life, or leave and protect yourself and your daughter and hopefully go on to find a happier healthier life for the two of you.

Figure out what you need to

Figure out what you need to do for you. If you have family or friends that would be willing to help then take them up on it. If you are on your own figure out how much money you will need to leave and make a plan.

Game On, You are being

Game On,

You are being emotionally abused. This is happening in front of your child. This is teaching her that it is OK to be treated like shit and abused from a man.

Be strong. Take you child and leave this abusive man. Your child is learning from you. Take the lead. Show her how to be a strong, independent woman and not some asshole's punching bag.

You need to leave - NOW!

<<<< yeah, that's all I got

:jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop: <<<< yeah, that's all I got right now....

You deserve better. You

You deserve better. You deserve peace. You deserve a calm stress-free sanctuary of a home. And so does your daughter. Honey, she is growing up hearing this filthy language day in and out. And in time she will choose a man just like your DH because this is all she knows. Right now she is a sponge soaking up all the relationships she sees. She hears her mother being cursed at with graphic language yet her mother stays. So in time your daughter will stay with an abusive man.

Be brave. Form an exit plan. Get in touch with a shelter you can run to with your daughter. I take it she isn't biologically your spouse's child. Which is better because he will not be able to claim time with her.

If nothing else, ask yourself if you want this future for your daughter? And the answer is NO! So make plans. Even if it takes baby steps. Make plans to leave his life and find the peace you and your daughter need. It takes courage and you will want to go back when he pleads that he has changed etc. But stay strong. he is not over his ex. He is unable to reach that stage of indifference. And once you are out of the picture he is only left with the crazy woman. Right now you are the buffer and all he would say top her, he says to you.

Be brave. Make a plan and walk away. Never look back.

{{{{hugs}}}} It's time for

{{{{hugs}}}}
It's time for you to take care of you.

You are here

There's something going on here. An emotional affair is the only thing that remotely fits. NEED HELP

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