I haven't posted in a while, but I am on the verge of losing it. I don't know if there is any point in staying anymore. I have been with my fiance for a little over 6 years. I have 2 kids (DdSTB11 & Ds8)& he has 2 kids (SdSTB13 & Ss8). We have had a rocky relationship (i have moved out a couple of times) to say the least. The BM & skids have put me & my children thru hell for years all while my fiance just sat back & did nothing about it.

His kids started badmouthing me & my kids as soon as I moved in with my fiance which was forced by him. I wanted to wait b/c it had only been a few months & he guilted me into it telling me that I didn't love him if I didn't want to live with him & that we shouldn't even be together if I didn't want to live with him. He is very manipulative as are his children. They were running to their mom, their grandparents, their teachers, whoever would listen telling them how awful it was having to live with us (all b/c they had to share...god forbid). His ex would send me & my fiance threatening texts (even though she was fresh out of rehab due to a drug problem) saying how she was going to get custody. She PAS'd the skids to the point where his son used to lay in the floor screaming at us that he hated us & wanted to go live with his mommy while my fiance just stood there looking pitiful instead of straightening his son out. Ss told MY SON that he wished I were dead when they were 4 years old. Sd has had DSS called on us & me called into the guidance counselor at the school b/c she constantly plays victim & wants everyone to feel sorry for her. They are sneaky, manipulative liars & all these years, he has sided with them. To this day, if I get onto them for ANYTHING, he comes right behind me yelling at me for saying something to his kids b/c "you are just picking on them b/c you don't like them". Doesn't matter if I have said the same thing to my kid right before, I am still picking on his kids. Example: all the kids are cleaning up the things they have drug out b/c we are getting ready to go out to the movies FOR THEM. Everyone is getting ready & I walk into the boys room to make sure they picked all their stuff up. Ss is sitting there on his ass playing the Wii. He isn't dressed, has not brushed his teeth & there are still toys laying in the floor. I told him if he wanted to go, he better get ready. I start asking the boys who drug the toys out, naming everything laying in the floor. Every item I mentioned, Ss said "I did". So, he has to pick everything up, right? This is where my fiance comes in yelling at me for "picking on him" & how "of course it was his son that drug everything out". Ummmm....he just said he got all that stuff out. So we go to the movies & grab something to eat & the entire evening my fiance is cuddled up to Ss ignoring everyone else. This was about a month ago.

Bm is in jail & has been since about May. We haven't heard from her in over a year though since she got strung out on meth so his kids are with us 24/7. Even before that she only had them EOWknd & not even all of those b/c she would spend months strung out. My kids are with us 50/50, always have been. There have been very few times that the schedule has changed for any reason. His kids are just outright jerks to my kids a lot of times. I have written blogs before this talking about his "mafia" family & how they exclude me & my kids & it happened again at Christmas. Ss & nephew ignored my son the entire time we were there & when my son goes to get a toy b/c he is playing by himself, they told him that he couldn't play with it. My Ds, upset, throws it down & says "fine" & leaves. Nephew & Ss tattle on my son. My son gets in trouble, nothing happens to Ss or nephew (as usual).

It has been 5 years of this & I am bitter & resentful. I have disengaged from his kids as much as possible b/c how much can you disengage when the skids are doing things to your kids when fiance isn't around to see it? I'm not going to let them say & do things to my kids just b/c they think they can get away with it when "daddy" isn't around. I could go on for days with millions of examples & different unfair things that he has yelled at me for but when the situation was reversed, there was nothing he could do about it. When my son was 2 years old, I was bent over his bed giving him a goodnight hug & kiss. My fiance walked by & said "what are you doing, breastfeeding him?" Any time I would let him sit on my lap or carry him, he would glare at me or get up & move away from me. He was 2 YEARS OLD & no, this wasn't a constant occurrence, was a normal, every once in a while, mom & son thing. I am very bitter about all the times I turned my children away for fear of what he would say, for fear of a fight. I am bitter about the times that I did not go get my children who were calling me from their BD's house saying they wanted to come back to my house (b/c their BD is a lazy POS who slept all day & ignored them) while I was sitting there with my fiance & his kids b/c the times I did keep them extra or go pick them up (b/c my ex had to WORK), my fiance accused me of "catering" to my ex. I am bitter that my kids never get to spend alone time with my mom (the only grandparent they have that cares) b/c my fiance told me that my mom favored my children & would get pissed off at ME every time my mom would do something with or buy something for my kids until I told my mom that she needed to include them all, even though he has never said a word to his mom about including my children who have NEVER been invited to do anything with her while his children spend entire weekends with her.

I would also like to say that I have never laid a hand on these kids. I spanked his son 1 time when he was 2 or 3 b/c he was running around the house with some scissors that he had yanked away from one of the girls & he would not stop when I told him to. That was b/c he was in danger & I have NEVER done it again after the text I received from the BM (which fiance didn't do a damn thing about) threatening to call DSS on me or send me to prison for child abuse, etc. etc. I tried very hard in the beginning with them. I used to play with them, come up with fun things to do, took them everywhere, bought them things, etc. etc. All the while, they were saying how awful it was to have to live with us. I also realize that it is my own fault for going back to him. He & I just get along so well without the kids & have such a great time together.

There is just so much resentment built up from the years prior that I'm not sure I can deal with it anymore. He starts fights with me over nothing b/c he is mad that I "don't like his kids". Why should I? He expects me just to get over it. I don't think I can. There is so much built up that just looking at skids fills me full of anger. It's getting to the point where looking at my fiance fills me full of anger too. The examples I gave are just the tip of the iceberg too. There have been so many more things but my post is long enough. I usually don't post unless I really need some advice. So thanks in advance.