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How to disengage.....

alwaysastepmom's picture

Submitted by alwaysastepmom on Mon, 02/25/2013 - 3:26pm

I'm new here but have been reading for a while. I have been with my SO for 5 years now. He has 2 kids, sd12 & ss7 that he has primary custody of. They used to go to BM's eowe but haven't been since Christmas b/c she is doing meth. I also have 2 kids, dd10 & ds7 that I have 50/50 with my ex. It usually ends up being more like 80/20 b/c he would rather sleep than see his kids but whatever.

There is a lot of history & I will try to sum it up but basically, his kids were PAS'd to death by the BM when she wasn't in rehab. They are VERY manipulative & would pit whoever they could against eachother & still do. It was usually BM against me & my kids but it could be anyone. They both like to play the victim to anyone & everyone including their teachers & SO's family. SO had many issues of his own. He was extremely jealous & controlling. He went to counseling for this over 2 years ago & has changed significantly. Then there is SO's family. I call them the "mafia" b/c they act like if you aren't blood family or haven't given birth to their blood, then you are not "in" with them. If it were just me that they basically ignore, I could tolerate it. But my SO has a nephew who is 8 & a niece who is 17. ANY TIME we go over there, his kids latch on to the niece & nephew & ditch my kids. And I don't mean, they spend half an hour catching up with them, they literally run away from my kids when my kids try to play with them. This has been going on for 5 years now. My kids are not perfect, but they are not bad kids. I do not expect my kids to be the center of attention by any means, but his kids purposely ignore my kids the entire time every time. We have had many fights about this for the last 5 years.

Like I said, there is a lot of history & a lot of things that his kids have said & done to, in front of & behind mine & my kid's backs & I had enough about a year ago. I disengaged to a degree but we had a fight about it last week b/c of the whole niece & nephew ignoring thing. Then he tells me that he is sick of me not liking his kids & it just erupted into a huge argument over everything. He told me that I was hateful to his kids & I asked him how I was being hateful to them when I barely spoke to them anyway. There is so much more to this story & if I need to clarify, I can. I just don't know how to disengage to the point where I don't say ANYTHING to them or do anything for them when my kids have to share rooms with them. How do I not say anything if one of his kids is doing something to mine? Should I just leave?

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fedup13's picture

Submitted by fedup13 on Mon, 02/25/2013 - 6:34pm

I am new here also. I came here because after 3 yrs of being with DH I am at my wits end. He has a son who is 5. A BM that is a no good, using, lying piece of trash, and my inlaws are very troublesome as well. I have cut BM out of my life totally. NO CONTACT. I took myself out of the equation totally when it comes to skid. DH has 50/50 custody, but when he is at work, skid is not here. He goes to MIL's, who I have also taken great strides to limit contact with because of her insanity and meddlesome personality. When skid is here, I either stay in my room, or act as if he is not here. I do not cook for him, I do not clean up after him, I do not engage in conversation with him. I never mistreat him, I have just made myself nothing to him. Which has not been difficult to do because he has always treated me like dirt anyway. DH has full responsibility for him when he is here. I no longer try and correct him, I no longer try and help DH, I don't point out the obvious that should not go unnoticed but does, I ignore it all as best as I can. It is very difficult, but has been the only solution I can come up with besides leaving. I would not be able to do it if I were in your shoes with them there all the time. I have said that if that ever becomes the case I will leave.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

Submitted by Pilgrim Soul on Mon, 02/25/2013 - 7:06pm

Sounds like a tough situation to be in! I have no specific advice but can commiserate with the mafia aspect. I have the same thing with the BM and skids - they are of Sicilian descent and act the same way. Blood trumps everything! There is wall around the familia that is impenetrable. Sensitive stuff does not get discussed with strangers. My DH is a WASP and they constantly tell him that he does not relate to them the way he should - the enmeshed, crazy-family way. They are adults, PAS'd out of their minds, and pretty rotten all around. Their mother and her sister form this clan that no one is allowed in. My DH was always an outsider even when married to the BM.

Had i known what they were like earlier on, i would have never invited them into my life and home and into my kids' lives. Luckily, they do not live with us, and never have or will. But my DH and I tend to have the same kind of fights. He wants to see them in the light they see themselves in: they can do no wrong.

I wish i had better news but do not know how to overcome the family culture ( two cultures: the mafia one and the denial one).

All i can say is that I sympathize with your situation.