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Holiday invitation update

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 9:28am

So surprisingly, SD actually emailed DH a response our holiday invitation. (Background-SD lives 2000+ miles away, any visit with her involves plane tickets and to in my world plenty of lead time). She even responded before the deadline. That's kind of where the surprises stop.

Can I tell you how much I just love the word "uncomfortable"? It covers a huge multitude of sins. I think she used it about three dozen times in her amazingly passive aggressive email.

Once again, nothing is her fault. She's not Comfortable coming to visit at this point. The invitation itself made her feel uncomfortable. And all generally because WE haven't included her in this family. Yea, you know, the family that she has refused to see for over two and a half years now. The family that she's not interested in because she really couldn't care less about the birth of her sister. The family that gets no response to any cards, emails, letters, phone calls or texts that are sent unless she's either a)calling to scream at DH about how he's responsible for every bad thing in her life or b) pissed at BM and trying to upset her by communicating with DH.

Bite me. You've excluded yourself from this family since the day it became a family. Your choice kid. And just here, on ST, let me say Thank God you are too uncomfortable to come here because I have no desire to deal with your bullshit over the holidays.

Somehow I think I'm going to be too Uncomfortable to agree to even send you an invitation to the christening.

Now if only DH could get the hell over his martyr complex. I don't say that with a total lack of sympathy to him. I do say that with a burning memory of him telling me how he didn't really want SD to come,how he would be dreading the visit. So now when he acts all upset and depressed that she's not coming, I have a hard time feeling any sympathy.

Comments

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 9:32am

"Bite me. You've excluded yourself from this family since the day it became a family. Your choice kid. And just here, on ST, let me say Thank God you are too uncomfortable to come here because I have no desire to deal with your bullshit over the holidays."

If she's a minor (or was at that time) she was allowed to make decisions she shouldn't be making.

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 9:49am

I agree. However the family court system declared she was old enough to make the choice and then handed that down in the joke of a CO that isn't worth the paper it's printed on. She went in and lied and cried to the judge and judge said ok, visits only if SD agrees. So there you have it.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 9:55am

My ss, who is only 15 mind you, made a decision to not be part of our family many years ago. Should he have been making this decision? Well, no. But could we stop him? No, not at all. After he moved out at age 9-which was part of the court order due to dh's deployment-he was pretty much done with us. And let us know in every way he possibly could. Verbally. With his behavior and actions. No amount of talking to him, spending time with him, counseling/meds-none of that stuff would change his mind that he just did not consider us his family. He would make the weekends he was with us hell on everybody including my 3 children. He finally stopped coming when he was about 13. He was still invited. He lived with my mil at the time who did not want him to visit us-so she certainly was no help in enforcing anything. My dh continued to try and call and connect with him. But was constantly rejected over and over. That pattern has continued for the past two years. He only contacts dh when he wants some sort of tangible item, money, a gift. That's it. If he does not receive what he is requesting-he then follows up with a text spewing hate about how dh is not his father and he never wants to see him again. He will refuse to speak to dh for months on end-until there is something else he is wanting and begins to wonder if dh is a sucker enough to get it for him. Then we repeat the above pattern. The only thing that has put a stop to this is that he is now in a detention facility.

I guess my point in all this is-you CAN NOT make these kids accept your family unit, your dh can not make a kid accept your family unit-yes, I get that a parent has the power to MAKE a kid show respectful behavior with consequences-but you literally cannot make them accept you as family. Trust me, we tried for years. In all sorts of ways. It was a massive fail. At some point, for many of us, I feel like it becomes necessary to cut your losses and move on.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 9:48am

Heaven forbid that the Princesses not feel "comfortable"! I mean that's supposedly why SD15 texts DH constantly from her room with demands to "make me popcorn", "come hither", "make be a burger" etc. because she doesn't feel "comfortable" walking her lazy ass out of her pig stye room and asking DH because big, bad, horrible, terrible, tyrant Daizy is there.

How about how I don't feel "comfortable" using the bathroom on the main floor of MY home that SD15 uses because their is rarely toilet paper in there, you never know what you might find on the floor or toilet seat and I can't give BS3 a bath in there anymore because there are always nasty globs of SD15 hair and 12 razors and empty shampoo bottles littering the bathtub.

How about I don't feel "comfortable" knowing that SD15 goes through my things, takes my things, uses my shower and Lord knows what else when I am not there.. but DH just turns a blind eye and once again Daizy is the bad guy for requesting some {gasp} boundaries.

Whatever... SD can take her "comfortable" and shove it up her butt and kiss mine while she's at it.

goincrazy.com's picture

Submitted by goincrazy.com on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 10:21am

"Bite me. You've excluded yourself from this family since the day it became a family. Your choice kid. And just here, on ST, let me say Thank God you are too uncomfortable to come here because I have no desire to deal with your bullshit over the holidays."

This is exactly how I feel word for word. Sd16 EXCLUDES herself from everything. We have invited her, used to change plans (I put a stop to that real quick) do any and everything to make sure she felt included. She would ditch us last min and cancel on us EVERY TIME then cried to everyone that we leave her out and dad has his new family that she's not a part of. She made herself the victim and everyone still believes it.

I'm already having anxiety about the holidays

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 10:58am

Sailor-I would say that her visits are probably coming to an end soon-so perhaps you will be able to celebrate. I am sorry that your dh is devastated-but he will get over it. Sad, but true.

I will say that I am thankful that at least my ss was up front about it over the years. He would very blatantly tell all of us to our faces that he did not like any of us and did not want to be around us of ever really. This was uttered on the start of a 14 hour drive home from our beach vacation. Most kids would be happy. That they stayed in a beach house, with a private pool, went out to eat, played minigolf and had lots of fun for a week. Not my ss. He would blatantly refuse to ever do anything for anyone else or even to pick up after himself in our home-because in his eyes that was him doing something for us. He told my dh when he was 11 or 12 to simply not bother to pick him up for weekends any longer unless he had something fun planned. He would not participate in birthday celebrations for the other kids, or any sort of event for them. If they did have a special event planned-he would insist that he have the same special event even if it made no sense-and this was not a toddler but a kid from 11-14.

He just had no real attachment to any of us-including my dh. And that was a hard pill to swallow for dh as he is the one who had primary custody from ages 1-9 or so. We maintained weekend visits for years after that. My dh, in fact lived in another state for 2 years due to being injured in the military and would drive 5 hours every other Friday to pick up ss for a visit that he did not even want to attend and he made painful for everyone. All of us really tried so hard to make this work. Not saying we all didn't make mistakes along the way-but the effort really was there. Sometimes things just don't work out-they are not meant to be. I am sure my dh hopes that someday when ss is completely grown-maybe things will change. I don't know that I hold out much hope for that, but perhaps.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Wed, 10/09/2013 - 11:04am

I would not invite her to anything ever again. You know, so as not to make her feel uncomfortable just by asking.

My SD (now 22) has never spent one holiday with us. Ever. Oh, she expects the gifts at Christmas, though!

My husband told her that this year, we are only buying for children (I am telling my family the same thing).

This year, my husband and I are doing our own thing for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. Just the two of us. At least, that's the plan.