Get used to it. It took my DH until SS was 14, still bed-wetting every night, a having outright RAGES before he would agree to any testing.

God forbid something be less than perfect with the precious one.

Even though my SS diagnosed and medicated, it never really controlled much. I kept advocating better pychiatrists and more counseling. DSO nor BM would do any extra, hard work with SS. SS is in a treatment center, he's 13, and they are having big problems with him and think it may be something else entirely, they think they were treating for the wrong diagnosis and are looking at other things now.

If the testing and competent doctors had been involved at age 8, SS may be a different kid now.

Not all ADHD meds are 'created equal' , if (hopefully when) DH/BM decide to get serious about their son and give treatment a try, IMO I think they will find their attitudes changing. Research. Visit a ADD/ADHD support group. Talk to other parents. What isn't 'fair' or 'right' is to continue to allow SS to go this on his own.

After really doing some serious looking into, perhaps commit to six months trial period. If DH/BM then decide it was the wrong decision, go back to med-free. What you're looking for first is the correct med (again, not all meds are created equally, not all meds will be the 'right' med for your SS, and don't allow to start higher dose and work down...start low and then perhaps increase as dr evals how it's working).

I can tell you that with my daughter (now med-free) no one would have even guessed she was taking meds during school hours. She was no different than the others kids. Properly chosen and well supervised, no one will go 'oh my the parents 'dope' that kid'. He'll run and play and sit at his desk just like every other kid in his classroom. I'm certainly not going to tell you (DH/BM either) that this is the correct route for SS, which med to select or what you're results may or not be, but I will say a six month trial may very well help the parents make an informed decision that is right for their son. If they think it all 'wrong' no one is going to force a pill down their kids throat. By the end of the first week they can immediately cease treatment...they won't know if they don't try. Not trying leaves the child right where he is now. Is that what the parents want? You can't make this decision for the parents, but you can help your DH educate himself so the thought of giving it a try isn't so scary or automatically shutdown to the idea.

fact that he was in trouble at school all 5 days last week and then no punishment was dealt out at home
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Are you sure it is ADHD and not this?!

My BS10 loves school & half way thru 3rd grade he was so upset & frustrated. We got him on ADD meds & 2 days later he told us what a HUGE difference they were making. My son, age 8 was ready to give up on something he loves because he couldn't focus. He refused to stop taking the meds during the summer because he liked feeling 'in control' of himself. We talked about things when I noticed the meds weren't working as well. Son thought about this & he made the choice to up the dosage. This year neither of us noticed that his meds needed raised until later & it was frustrating for him. If they get the right meds, these kids can go so far in life!

Have you considered going at it from a different angle?

My Ds13 has severe ADD - he has the attention span of a gnat and, when not taking his meds (Vyvanse) is a hot mess both at school and at home.

Here's what made me decide to try the med route (after I had tried everything else):
My DS13 was becoming severely depressed because he was always in trouble, nobody wanted to be the friend of the class clown/troublemaker, teachers were giving up on him. He was eating as a way to comfort himself so was gaining weight at astronomical rates (he's very short for his age so he was becoming round!). He was failing miserably in school. He couldn't function in sports. Shoot, he couldn't function PERIOD.

After a long talk with my older brother (who is a therapist AND has an ADD child) I took the leap of faith. My brother pointed out to me that my pride was getting in the way of my son's well-being. I didn't want to be seen as just another parent who drugged the kid, but meanwhile my child was suffering.

Four years later... we still have our struggles but DS13 is doing much better. He is doing better in school, sports, and has friends. He's eating less, has lost weight, and has taken an interest in life again.

And no - he doesn't walk around like a zombie. Like one of the previous posters said, when we initiated meds, we started at the lowest dose possible and worked up little by little. Most of the meds are weight-based, so we had to be careful since he started losing weight (due to meds AND taking an interest in sports again) - he's still not taking the moderate dose based on his weight, he's taking less. But it's enough to quell those impulsive behaviors to a low roar so he can settle down.

I'd encourage you to talk to your DH from the angle of helping his son. Maybe that will get him thinking.

My DS9 is ADHD and it made all the difference in the world for him to get on meds. HE could not learn and could not retain knowledge. They talked about repeating grades, special education, etc. He's been on meds for 3 years and is a straight A student. He loves to read and will read 100+ pages a day for fun! He's very bright like most ADHD kids can be, but if they can't learn, it's a disability. Your SS needs help. You will all be happier for it.

I don't think bm should be sending messages/pictures to you guys. she reached into a perfectly peaceful situation with your husband and inserted herself and disrupted it. she managed to have a gooey, bonding" session with your dh, relegating you to being the "bitch". your dh should be celebrating TRUE successes that ss has with you, his wife. when/if ss gets the treatment he needs, then that will be something to celebrate. and, by the way, you can get your own pictures of ss. don't need bm sending them to you.