Looking for a different perspective on a family problem
6 months ago, my sister's DH of 18 years (they have FOUR kids ages 6-15) announced he is in love with someone else and wants to pursue his own happiness. They just moved into a beautiful new house 20 miles from their old community last summer-- big, stressful move. Sister is devastated. Yes, life with tons of kids is bound to be stressful, but she believed they were fundamentally happy. She is taking it badly, crying a lot, etc. He refuses to leave the house, is openly conducting his new relationship, tormenting my sister (who is still in love with him) and is insisting on nothing less than 50/50 custody-- mostly because child support for that many kids would leave him with nothing. His attitude seems so selfish. He is going to force the sale of the new house, uproot the kids again and make them shuttle between two houses that aren't as nearly as nice and drastically change their lifestyle. Apparently, their state's laws support him and almost always give 50/50 custody. Any opinions?
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Really sad. But I think the
Really sad. But I think the only thing she can do is lawyer up and therapist up for her and the kids. My family went through something similar, but worse, and I can't stress enough the therapy aspect. My younger siblings and mother suffered immensely without it.
she's got one of the top
she's got one of the top lawyers in the state, but she won't call the lawyer and seek out advice. BIL is bullying her, making her cry and then calling her crazy and accusing her of turning the kids against him, because they are also angry at him.
Do you guys think 50/50 is always the best?
I'm in NY, she's in WI. Both
I'm in NY, she's in WI. Both are no fault now.
NY definitely favors the mom still... but it seems like WI will always give 50/50
Florida is no-fault. It
Florida is no-fault. It didn't matter, my exh pulled a heinous stunt and it backfired against him and his high priced attorney who was the best. It took me over a year but I found an attorney I could afford who would fight her in court because she was so good and I beat him on a lot. No-fault is great but there will always be the human element.
what's in it for him is that
what's in it for him is that he wants to get half custody, and if he leaves (even though by staying he is creating a toxic hellhole) he sets up a precedent. He is thinking only of himself. I just spent 2 weeks begging him to do the right thing and move out.
I am the one who flew the coop... my whole family is back there on the farm. If only she could come here...
There are two separate issues
There are two separate issues here 1) the divorce and 2) the children.
If he no longer wants to be married to DH's sister then they will be getting divorced. With no fault divorces all it takes is one person to not want to be married anymore and it's done. Since I know nothing about any of the parties I have absolutely no opinion on their getting a divorce. Look how often we hear tell people to leave a situation where they are not happy. Divorce happens. Most of us would not be here if there were no divorces.
Any divorce is going to affect the children. No way around that. And most often standard of living does go down. The house is just a house. If neither can afford it on their own then it must be sold.
50/50 is the new norm for many custody agreements these day. It's no longer an eowe for the dad in most cases. But that does not necessarily mean no CS for 50/50. With a long term marriage spousal support may be awarded.
It it crappy - yes it is. But life happens. The decision to be married to someone is just about the most personal decision one will ever make. No one ever said divorce was not painful. Would she really want a man who does not love and care for her to be her partner for the rest of her life?
You said she still loves him. All of this is news to her. She is not the one who began building a new life. I think it's crappy that he didn't have the guts to tell her he wasn't happy in the marriage before he picked a new partner. But she can stop loving him. Not overnight but believe me he will do enough things to piss her off that if she has a brain she will be glad he's gone.
A man who is a horrible husband may actually be a good father to his kids. My best friend's DH left her for another woman when she had a 6 month old baby. It was horrible for her. She was just devastated. But it's now 25+ years later and she built a new life for herself. And the kids turned out to be wonderful young women. He was an awful husband but was a good father.
I hear you-- I do-- but I
I hear you-- I do-- but I wonder about cases like this where there are so many kids, and not enough income to create two totally separate homes where the kids' needs will be met... and the house does matter. They should be able to stay, at least for a few years... they are already so traumatized.
I have a husband whose ex-wife has tried to pretend he doesn't exist as a dad. She pretends to be their only parents. I know that SUCKS and has damaged my stepkids.
I just thought the courts sought to preserve the lifestyle of the kids. They are totally innocent here.
this honestly does not seem
this honestly does not seem like it's in the best interest of the kids. my own parents divorced in WI (in the early 80s) and I would have HATED living in two houses... also would have hated having to give up the house where I felt secure, etc.
I can't even comment on your other suggestion....
As your sister and kids just
As your sister and kids just recently moved into this current house, the children should do ok having to make yet another move. It's not a home they've had long duration and they've managed to feel safe/secure in this new place. While a move now is under different circumstances than the move to current house, they will once again adjust.
While you may have hated living in two homes in the 80's, 50/50 and going back and forth between mom's home and dad's home is much more common than it was 30 years ago. I would imagine these children likely have friends and school associates who are doing the very same thing. Some adjustment counseling may be beneficial for the children. They are going to have a lot of feelings and angry they'll need to work through.
I'm not trying to be insensitive to what your sister and children are going through, but it isn't doing any of them any good to keep everybody living together with Dad dangling his new partner in their face and Mom crying. Your sister has to consult her lawyer. She has to make sure she protects her self interest she has legal rights to (home equity, child support, pension/retirement funds, bank accounts, owned assets blah blah blah). And unless there is good reason that Dad is unfit to be granted 50/50 she is likely going to have to resign herself to this.
Sad as divorce is, your sister having to downsize in housing and perhaps lower her current standard of living is not really something she can stop. She's hurt and angry now, but she will survive this. Really the last thing she needs is somebody encouraging her to be bitter over a house, a move, and finding the strength to rebuild her life.
And he should expect the kids
And he should expect the kids to be angry. No kid wants their life disrupted.
I was trying to be fairly neutral when I posted earlier, but in real life I hate cheating assholes.
I highly recommend the book
I highly recommend the book "Dumped" by Sally Warren. I found it very helpful. Note - there is another book by the same title, different author - get the one by Warren.
What your sister needs to
What your sister needs to understand amongst all the good advice that she is being given is that the pain she is in now is like child birth. It is the most excruciating, ripping, mind-crippling thing. It is blinding and it is finite.
She needs to hold things in cruise control until she is through the worst of it. Then she'll have her mind back and be able to strategize. Which is what she will need to do.
The problem is that while she
The problem is that while she is trying to manage her pain, he is seizing the advantage. It's evil. I'm disgusted by his lack of co passion and respect for his own family. They are crushed, and he is laughing, literally. Incidentally, he is the you gets of 10 kids... His dad had 10 kids with his mon, then accused her of being crazy, divorced her and took all the kids.
If the house is hers, she can
If the house is hers, she can just put him out.
But if it's their house, I don't think it is realistic to expect him to just move out. Maybe it's the "right thing to do", but it doesn't seem likely and trying to convince him just doesn't sound like something that could be useful.
He cheated, true, but that doesn't mean that he's going to be willing to give up the house that is also his.
I'm really sorry for your sister. She needs to talk to her lawyer, ignore the bitch she calls her husband, file for divorce and get herself and her children in therapy as soon as she can.
Good luck.
It's theirs, so obviously she
It's theirs, so obviously she would have to buy out his equity if she stayed. Or they could both own and split the equity later. But by staying in the house right now, he is making it impossible for her to get her head together. He knows this.