I have posted several times about feeling frustrated and disrespected as a stepmom, infuriated by the fact that my dh (a low earner) is forced to support adults who want their own apartments in new york city, etc.

Last year, we created a basement apartment in our house- I did most of the work myself but we spent about 15K-- the idea was my stepson could live in it while going to school. But he only stayed a few months, because he wanted his own place (who wouldn't) and his mom couldn't stand the dad having any role in his life, at least that's the way it seemed to me.

My StepDD (20) is studying acting in college, and she's in a production later this month. There are 4 performance. DH asked me when I wanted to go, and I asked "well, it depends.... when is BM not going? I'll go then." (There is some bad blood and I have no interest in co-mingling.)

Answer: she is attending all 4 performances.

To me, this is just an insanely over-the-top degree of over-identification, smothering, etc.

Xmas has always been a big deal to my dh, as this was one time when he always had the kids. I always busted my ass making a "magical" xmas morning because that's what my parents did and what I wanted to do for my kids and so wanted it equal for all the kids... it was really my problem. Anyway my stepdaughter, now in college, tended to leave many of the gifts behind and last year left everything behind.

I am pretty much disengaged, which feels great after all the time I spent worrying about my stepkid situation. I feel so much better. The whole situation was just so toxic, and out of my control. Both my stepkids and their mom appear to be delusional.

I do wonder if I will regret it one day.... when they are truly adults (they are 18 and 20 now) and I don't get to enjoy their companionship, or if they ever have kids. My own stepmother used to annoy me tremendously-- but now we are pretty close.

Anyone ever regret disengaging?