Arggghhh when will BM realise that she is NOT part of DH's family any more!!!! (Answer:never)
My husbands youngest brother just announced he is expecting a baby with his girlfriend. I could not believe my eyes when I saw that BM posted this comment on the FB announcement:
"Congratulations BIL and GF. Be lovely to have another baby niece/nephew 
xxx"
Really BM? You're going to be aunt to this new baby? Despite the fact that you have been divorced for EIGHT YEARS and DH has been remarried to me for SIX YEARS? I guess I must be confused in thinking that I am the sister in law and going to be the Aunty?
I know DH will do nothing to tell either BIL or BM how inappropriate this is. He has let her get on with this behaviour for years without quashing it. GF has now 'liked' the status. I have just messaged GF and explained my feelings on the subject in the most rational way I can. She has been with BIL for 2 years, he was with his previous GF for 10 years, I asked how she would feel if his ex kept popping up and referring to herself as Aunty to my children? I honestly do not understand why people don't get this.
Help me steptalkers with clingy BM's, only you can understand how I feel!
- Bojangles's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Don't look at any of their fb
Don't look at any of their fb profiles.
This is an option, it might
This is an option, it might eliminate some annoyance but would leave me feeling uneasy, and rather as though I had let her win at her game of being the first and best SIL. It would feel rather galling to abandon my FB relationship with BIL, especially when he lives abroad and that is a major way we communicate. Bottom line is he is oblivious to the fact this his connection with BM rankles DH and I, because DH has chosen not to make an issue out of it.
3 out of my 5 steps are
3 out of my 5 steps are adults too, and the youngest two are 15 and 17 so this isn't about keeping up appearances for the children. I think blocking BM might be the answer but I hate the idea of her up to this nonsense behind my back. A long time ago BIL said he was not going to keep in touch with BM because she kept slating DH, and he's not great at keeping in touch at the best of times, but evidently his annoyance has faded, she's carried on making an effort so he has stayed in contact with her. Generally BIL's lack of sensitivity in giving BM air is a minor annoyance, but that post really riled me, because she is specifically laying ongoing prior claim to my role in DH's family. However my situation is not as bad as yours because we have very few family events, DH's parents passed away some years ago and DH's siblings aren't really that closely involved with her, so maybe I should count my blessings!
I originally joined ST 7
I originally joined ST 7 years ago for this same type of thing ( before I or any of DH's family was on FB all in person crap ) I wish I could tell you 7 years later it was better but it is not. Dh's order brother's wife is BM's buddy. Her & her BF get invited to things at their house that we are not. She wishes MIL happy b day every year on FB before anyone else can. She told skids that DH's other brother was having a baby agin before DH could. She calls my FIL pops ( I call him by his name)
All you can do is just ignore her and them. If you say anything no one cares. I dread the day Dh's grandma dies and BM will show up & bring her BF ( who she had to take to meet DH's grandma when she started dating him). My DH will about loose his mind but no one will care.
Ok well now I feel humble
Ok well now I feel humble because that is WAY worse than what I'm putting up with. I cannot believe she took it upon herself to announce DH's brothers baby to their children. Although saying that, BM will definitely have told all the skids that aren't on FB with no clue that that it is news DH should be allowed to announce. It's really shocking to me that the family aren't more sensitive to DH's feelings, although in our case I don't think DH shared his feelings enough for his family to understand what has gone on, and why being friends with BM feels like fraternizing with the enemy.
Thankyou for your support. 17
Thankyou for your support. 17 years, there really is no hope! It makes my heart sink into my boots to contemplate still dealing with this crap in 7 years time. No doubt when the skids have children of their own BM will be very clear that she is the 'real' grandma, despite laying claim to being an aunt to a baby she is not actually related to. DH says he will say something to BIL this time, it remains to be seen if he will actually follow through, and how BIL will react. It is crazy to me that in laws would choose a relationship with a former spouse over loyalty to their blood relative.
Yep same thing here. BM calls
Yep same thing here.
BM calls my MIL Mom to push hubs buttons. She is also very involved in the lives of his mom and sister. So much so that we don't attend holidays there. Who wants to ruin a holiday by seeing a manipulative evil ex? She's very messed up in the head but his family should know better. These women will do whatever they can get away with. I blame it on his family who should have his best interests at heart. The solution? They dont have a relationship with their son.
It is heartbreaking and I have often asked SIL how she would feel if we brought over one of her old partners. She said there would be no reason we should ever do that to her. WTH?? Guess it's fair for her but not Hubs!
I'm quite shocked at the
I'm quite shocked at the number of examples where the family know how DH feels about it, but still give BM air time, and compromise their relationship with their own family member. I always thought if DH would just tell his family how badly BM behaved then they would get it and stop responding to her but now I'm starting to wonder if that would be the case.
Thankyou for your advice and
Thankyou for your advice and reassurance. My initial thought was there's no way I'm posting now because BM will see it and I don't want my comment to even appear in the same page as hers. I guess that would be the advantage of blocking BM- I would be oblivious to what she had posted and could carry on regardless.
In actual fact I knew about the baby several days before the FB announcement and had already congratulated BIL and had an email conversation with him about it. So really there was no need for me to respond to the FB announcement and I shouldn't let BM get to me, I just couldn't believe her presumption and was even more annoyed when I saw that BIL's GF had 'liked' it, thus appearing to put a seal of approval on it. I think DH needs to make his feelings clear to his brother in a calm way. At least then we will know he understands our position.
I'm living that too! BM does
I'm living that too! BM does not want to cut the ties to the ex-family in fact, she is pushing the relationship with SIL even more now than before.
I did a LOT of research on this very subject of ex wives not wanting to let go of the in-law relationship because I was struggling internally with why I was feeling so upset over it. My SO accused me of being jealous and insecure but that's not the case at all. It turns out most new spouses feel displaced when the ex remains an active, participating member of the family. Why? Because we can sense the invisible bonds between the BM and our SO and it serves to remind us of their history together. It is very difficult to build a new history with our SO and our new in-laws when we are always reminded of the old bonds and history that preceeded us. In order for a new relationship to flourish, those invisible bonds need to be broken so that new bonds can form. The bonds feel 'uncomfortable' to us new spouses because we sense that our SO are not fully available to us if they have left over bonds to their ex's. And this can be extended to include our in-laws' relationships with the BM too. As long as their bonds remain, the new spouse cannot form new bonds with the in-laws.
Of course, we need to look at the BM's perspective too in order to gain a full appreciation of the motives of why BM remains hanging on. The BM may actually love her in-laws and, just because they divorced their ex, does not mean they should end the relationship with their 'family'. Or perhaps this is the only family BM really has and is fearful in losing that relationship. Or, maybe the BM has more sinister motives such as hoping that her interference will cause stress for the new spouse and the ex. Sometimes, BM is fearful the new spouse will be liked more by the in-laws or that the new spouse is 'better' than she was. There are MANY reasons why BM won't release the bonds to her ex-in-laws, and she is the only one who is capable of modifying her thoughts and behaviours. However, our SO need to understand our feelings and take steps to help remedy the situation. In my case, he flatly told his sister that her behaviour was very uncouth and was most definitely not honouring the relationship he had with me and the family we were building together. He also spoke to her of loyalties to her own immediate family and that should be upheld against the relationship with the ex. She was offended and has since cooled the relationship with me and my SO, but that's her choice.
Blending a family is difficult and strenuous and comes with a whole set of expectations and feelings, most of which cannot be easliy explained. What matters most is being adept at recoginzing when something feels 'uncomfortable', then talking it over to your SO with the expectation of the SO understanding your feelings,and then working together at resolving the feeling.
This explanation is awesome,
This explanation is awesome, I too have a MIL that is all up BM's rear end and it drives me crazy and this really helps me understand why it makes me so upset. Thank you.
Thankyou for your very
Thankyou for your very informative response. Over and over again during my stepparenting years I have found that one of the hardest things is articulating quite primal feelings and instincts about your situation in a way that doesn't come across as petty and jealous. Your comment that "most new spouses feel displaced when the ex remains an active, participating member of the family" does just that. I do feel displaced, I said to DH when he got home from work I feel like I've worked really hard to be a part of his family only to have BM act like I don't exist, and them dignify her behaviour by maintaining contact. I hope my DH does say something this time, and I hope his brother responds better than your DH's sister did.