Last time I posted, my FSD was 6 and I lived with my BF and my chance of having kids was not good. Fast forward 4 years later and my BF has become my hubby of 3 years, and I know have a SD who is about to turn 10 years old. I also gave birth to a baby girl in December, who is now 5 months old.

We went a whole year and a half without seeing SD because BM really laid on the parental alienation tactics and we had to resort to getting a lawyer and going to court after filing for Contempt of visitation and access and we also filed to modify the standard visitation order. 4 years ago SD was a 6 year old who I believed to be have developmental delays (thanks to her mom doing everything for her). I gave it the benefit of the doubt and chalked it down to her being "just a kid". Here I am now with a SD10 who is already going through puberty, is about 5'3" inches tall, wears an A cup, weighs a little over 100 lbs and wears a juniors size 4. Who also happens to have not learned any hygiene, table manners or social manners from BM. So now I know she's just lazy.

With summer upon us and our new visitation schedule we are to get here the 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekend of each June and August and the whole month of July. As of Sept 1st we get her every other weekend from Thursday after school to Monday morning (drop off at school). This was arranged because BM is an idiot and totally aggressive and volatile at attempted pick ups, or she would not be home and we had to file police reports. We now pick up SD at the police substation whenever she is not in school to ensure she is there.

BM remarried, but she remarried a complete idiot who fuels her irrational behavior and also instigates it. He also considers himself my SD's real father since she lives with them. My DH is just a sperm donor and not a real parent.

Anywho the point that I'm trying to get is that I can't utter the word "disengage" around DH because he loses it. After 8 months of back and forth court dates and negotiations and a final order being signed, BM continues to interpret the orders to her convenience and not follow them and I'm tired of hearing DH trying to reason with her. We went to court because he can't reason with her, I hate that he tries to work with her and appease her. She never gives him the same courtesy.

Anyway, I have a SD who still does not know how to do the following things and it reflects badly on me with DH's family because they think I should man up and be her mom and guide her. I can't guide someone who will not follow the same routine at home. It can't be one-sided, it needs to be consistent, so I just don't do things for her anymore. I feed her and have given her a room in our home to call her own and I buy her clothes and thats about the extent of it.

She has yet to master the following:

1. Does not take baths, unless we insist on her doing it.

2. Does not know how to wash her own hair. Same thing goes for brushing it. She expects me to do it.

3. She has asked me to help her wash her body properly. Homegirl is going to be 10!! Sorry but no. My 5 year old niece knows how to wash her own hair and take a proper shower, i don't understand why she can't learn.

4. She has NO manners. In a social setting, she doesn't acknowledge people when we visit others and when at home, she doesn't get up to properly say hello. That is all i ask for. acknowledge people. it's the right thing to do. She's extremely socially awkward and that's BM's issue because she created that mess. She's made her to believe that she's smart and better than everyone else. SD has said so herself.

5. Absolutely NO table manners. Wipes her mouth with the back of her hand. Doesn't use her silverware half of the time, just shovels food into her mouth with her hands. Talks with her mouth full and DH got upset when i did the same thing and when she said it was gross to see me talk with my mouth full, i told her that that's what everyone at the table has to deal with when she continues to do it and yes, it is gross.

6. She likes to wear the same clothes all weekend, and she already has body odor and does not like to change. She has a young lady's body already and she just doesn't seem to care that she stinks.

I could go on and on. She has no chores, DH refuses to follow up with her or assign chores to her. We have a housekeeper, yes i have one because i have a pretty demanding career, sometimes work from home so someone comes in every 3 weeks to help. I have asked our housekeeper to not touch her room as far as cleaning goes, or my baby's nursery or our bedroom. I can clean the nursery and our room and do laundry. I expect SD to clean her room and does it get done? of course not. DH is in there doing it. Putting her dirty clothing, or outfit should I say, in the laundry room is also expected of her and it doesn't get done. She wears the same dirty bra for days on end.

Anywho, she also plays softball and plays in another league during the week and I've told DH that other than attending games, we are not committed to taking her to every team get together, every team fun day, every optional fundraiser etc. She has practice 3 times during the week, games 2 nights out of the week and tournaments on the weekends. So there goes my DH's time with me and baby, not to mention any family outings that are planned. I end up doing them alone.

BM also allows her to go to school whenever she feels like it and she's been absent at least weekly for the past semester, since January. BM says that since she has anxiety, then she parents as she sees fit and that includes keeping her from school so she can "take a break". Oh but she makes it to all her sport things on time. I have already cancelled our annual beach trip because it was contingent upon her earning it and that meant going to school every day unless sick. That hasnt happened.

My baby is only 5 month, but I do not want to be raising two girls in one household who are being held to different standards. It's not fair.

Needless to say, I do not look forward to every other weekend. Is it right to just disengage and parent our own child and let DH worry about his own. I'm done with trying to teach her proper manner and hygiene only to be told by BM that my expectations are unreasonable and that I'm OCD.