New
Hello!
I cant say how happy i was to run across this site! It is extremely hard to talk with my guy about my feeling regarding his son and I honestly feel so bad for having them.
I will admit i have moments where i am self involved, at times introverted, spoiled and impatient. i am 23 and don't have any kids of my own. i was an only child so i have never had any sisters or brothers or any kid around me, ever. my parents are divorced but they are both a big part in my life. both my parents were strict and didn't have patience, you do what your told, eat whats on the plate and mind your manners. we didn't have a lot of money and i spent more time reading and watching law in order and twilight zone than playing video games or playing house.
when my guy and i got together i knew he had a son and didn't have any issues with it. he has a great heart and hes one of the smartest kids out there when he wants to be. We get his son every other weekend and i love it when they spend time together, but i always feel out of place tho. its especially hard when i have to watch him by my self while my guy is at work. aside from keeping him fed, clothed and letting him watch tv or play games in his room, i don't know how to interact with him. i am not his mom and i don't feel any 'motherliness' towards him. I am more motherly towards our dog, its sad but true. plus most of the time i am working (from home). He does not live with his mother, but with family and they honestly spoil him! I honestly think they give him material things to deal with his mom not being around 24/7. when he comes over everything we say goes in one ear and out the other! ex: don't chew with your mouth open, don't interrupt when adults are talking, you don't need to watch tv 24/7, etc... It feels like the only time i talk to him is to tell him not to do something :/ the good thing is that my guy and i are on the same page when it comes to his son, respect both of us, listen to both of us, etc... We don't cater to him the same way his relatives do or baby him.
i guess it is just hard for me to adjust to thinking of someone else besides myself but it is hard when he is spoiled sometimes and doesn't think. the one thing my guy does say that drives me nuts is 'you'll get used to it.' HOW!? I AM NOT A MOM, but a baby sitter.
he doesn't understand that this is not my kid and its hard for me to interact with him.
Plus right now i am having baby fever and with the way things are with him, we have to go thru steps to have a baby, my first his second. I feel like i am at the point where if i don't have one soon, i will be too old (keep in mind that my family most women had kids when they were 20-22) its extremely hard to describe but its embedded in my head so it is useless to say 23 is not old. any who, it just seems like he is taking his time since he already has a kid while i'm having to wait...and wait for him to come up with a plan. I just want to know if it is going to happen or not. i can live with it either way, but i want to know and when he has in mind for it to happen. this was the one thing i never wanted to plan in my life.
on top of all this (since right not i am working from home a little bit(ontop of my full time job out side of the house) and it may be a full time thing one day) my guy has already started taking with his son and family about when i do work from home, we can get him a lot more. he kind of sprung this on me with out thinking about my thoughts. of coarse i will never say no to this, i think it is important for them to spend as much time together. it just seems like this is getting pushed on me and i cant deal with it as well as i would have liked. i feel like a baby sitter more often than not.
i know this post makes me sound so superficial and selfish, but i promise i love both of them and i am trying to be positive.
if anyone has some ideas or can relate, please reply! (i know, suck it up and deal, but that hasn't worked so far). how can i look past the annoying habits or the fact that i may never have my own kid who (an maybe that's why a tinge of resentment is there? or maybe because he isn't acting how i want him to act?) my mother told me to try to accept him as he IS but its hard....
- RandomOne's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Read a lot of the posts on
Read a lot of the posts on here and you'll realize that you're not the only one who feels the way you do.
How old is this child? Also, and of course you don't have to answer this as it is a very personal question, but why do you say you may never have your own child? I'm only asking becasue that can be a big part of the issue.
You sound like a very caring person who is truly trying.
(((hugs)))
thanks he's 8, tall and has
thanks
he's 8, tall and has big feet like his dad lol
I can have kids naturally but my guy had medical issues that resulted in him not being able to have kids naturally. and no, he is not open for adoption, i already asked.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact i am i am a little old for my age and it takes a while for me to warm up to people. (specially when i only see them 2 or 3 times a month). i have never dealt with kids of anyone younger than me before and i may put him on the same page as an adult (sounds mean). i know he has a lot of growing up to do and these little things wont be there forever, but its hard to look past. i am not used to going to his level (if that makes sense). my parents didn't really do that either. when i was with my dad he worked and at home with my mom we put puzzles together or read. maybe if we had him more often then not it may be easier to 'bond' or interact with him. my guy already knows its hard for me but doesn't understand. he doesn't understand that he is a parent and i am not. (even thou i kind of am, but not naturally)...
It's difficult enough for a
It's difficult enough for a woman to go into a relationship with a man who has a child from a past relationship but definately I would imagine it being even more so when you have had zero contact with children to begin with.
I feel for you because you are in a tough situation. You love the man you're with but you have to ask yourself if all of this is worth staying for. And by 'all of this' I mean, becoming the 'mom' figure here since it appears the child's mom isn't in the picture. Also the fact that your SO seems to not fully understand or maybe isn't willing to try to understand what your feelings are in all of this.
Do you listen to your heart or do you listen to what your life will become in the big picture is the question here. Only you can answer that. I just pray you give yourself the right amount of time to figure out what it is you want for yourself.
How old is the boy? First of
How old is the boy?
First of all, what you are going to hear form most people on here is that you shouldn't be the one spending the time with the kid. It should be your guy. I know that sometimes it is unavoidable, I deal with the same thing, but do not let him take advantage of you. He needs to know how you are feeling and sooner rather then later. He needs to know that you are hurt that he didn't talk with you first before telling his family that he could have his son more. Open communication is key if you are going to survive this.
Some are going to tell you to run for the hills.
I am telling you that 1. Communicate 2. The resentment you feel will probably never go away. You will have to learn how to deal with it. Remind yourself that it is not the kids fault, at least not yet.
I know that I resent the fact that DH had a kids before me. I feel like I got ripped off by not having the "normal" family life. SD was around BEFORE my 2 girls which means that all of my firsts were DH's seconds. That is hard to deal with, but I do. It is still your choice at this point. Is this someone you want to have children with and spend the rest of your life with??
Oh yeah, and WELCOME!
Oh yeah, and WELCOME!
i just keep kicking myself
i just keep kicking myself for not adapting as soon as i would have liked. although he has never said anything negative to me about the subject, i can kind of tell he was hoping for more. His ex (not the bm) was super into kids, worked with them, did all sorts of crafts, etc...(but she treated my guy like dirt).. then there's me lol
we haven't really gotten to a page on the subject, just kind of let the subject die out...
It hard for me to talk to him about it, i don't know how to describe my feelings and almost feels like i need a translator.
I think if i ever do work for home i will talk with him about the boundaries and what is and isn't expected.
for the most part he tries to talk things over with me, but sometimes he doesn't fun it by me first :/
we've been together over 3 years now, we bought a house and a couple cars so far. He is an amazing guy and we do intend to get married, but money plays a big part in it (we don't want to goto the jp). i know, i know, babies can wait. and honestly i cant complain too much because we cant afford one this moment (some bills need to be paid) but it would be nice to know when he would want to visit the doctor to get answers.. I asked him if there was anything he wanted to do before he had another one and he said no, he already has a kid so it doesn't make a difference to him :/ but honestly it isn't a make or break for me, i have find plenty of other stuff to keep me occupied if we don't have one. i honestly never thought that the bm drama would play in his mind when we talk about it.
Your post doesn't make you
Your post doesn't make you sound selfish, it makes you sound very naive.
Simply, if you want a child and he doesn't, there is no good way to look past it or get over it. You need to decide if that's a deal breaker for you and if it is, tell your guy. If he's not willing, then you need to leave or realize that you wanting your own child while he has one and denies you yours will cause Huge huge, generally insurmountable resentment in your relationship. If my husband had told me he didn't want any more children,I would have left - total deal breaker for me. It's a huge issue.
The other part is, this man is willing to commit you to responsibilities without even talking to you about it first. That would be a big problem for me, maybe it's not for you. To me, this is disrespectful. It's along the same lines of someone telling everyone you're going to give xx$ to whoever or whatever without even saying a word to you. This guy is supposed to be your partner, but he's treating you like you're his subordinate.
You say of course you'd never say no to you having to watch his son more if he gets more time because its important that he be able to have time with his son. But it sounds like the person who'd be having time with the kid is You, not dad, so where's the advantage?
I don't mean to sound condescending, but you are pretty young and you sound like you're already sucking up a lot because you're afraid of being thought badly about. I think you should take some time to figure out what You want. What do you want out of life? A baby? A marriage? A partner? What is important to You in a relationship? Communication? Equality? You need to figure out what you're needs are and look at this relationship to see if they're being met. If not, talk to your bf about it,see if he's willing to meet them. Right now it sounds like he's willing to take advantage of you because you're afraid to say anything to him about what you require or how you feel.
You aren't a babysitter - babysitters get asked if they available, they get paid. You're being told this is simply how it's going to be. If you're ok with that, fine. But you shouldn't give your bf a pass on bad behavior just because he has a kid. He's bringing the baggage to the relationship and it sounds like you're the one making all the sacrifice.
^^^THIS
^^^THIS
and thank you guys for your
and thank you guys for your replies
OK, to clear the air - my guy
OK, to clear the air - my guy is a great dad and he is an amazing man, he treats me with nothing but respect and doesn't take advantage of me. i have been in relationships where i have been treated like crap, manipulated and used, this is far from it. the point of him suggesting and talking to the kids relatives is so he can spend more time with him. occasionally i would need to pick him up from school or watch him while my guy is a work. My guy has always made sure i was ok with watching his son and doing things for him (getting him ready for the shower or bed, etc) before doing anything. he tries to spend as much time with his son as he can. when he told me he spoke with the relatives i didn't like this idea 1- because it was a 'shocker' 2- i felt like i would be dumped into motherhood, if i say no, it wont happen - end of story. i would like for his son to be at our home more often because he needs his dad and a stable environment, something we can give him. i am just struggling on how to be a better step mom or person in his sons life (hence why i am here).
as far as our child - it isn't a make or break deal for me, it is something i would like to happen but being realistic isn't horrible.
I am aware of my faults and i know attempts to be made for me to form a relationship with his son but i am unsure how to go about it and wanted to vent/talk to people who have dealt with the same.
Thank you everyone for your replies
At 23 I didn't want kids, by
At 23 I didn't want kids, by 25 I did but if they didn't happen I was ok with it. Now at 31 it is a deal breaker for me. Make sure you are 100% sure that not having children is ok to you. Even then you may change your mind later in life.
yes, he started talking to
yes, he started talking to them before talking to me about this one thing and it bothered me - he didn't make any commitment yet or set any dates. it bothered me that he didn't bring the idea up with me first but we did talk about it and he is aware it bothered me. we have a ways to go before this can even be an option to begin with. my point was that i freaked out because i am not close with his son and i am having a hard time getting there. sometimes things slip my guys mind and he forgets to tell me stuff, i know i do the same thing sometimes.
it is hard for me to spell everything out on a single 'screen shot' for everyone to fully 'see' the full picture.
I understand everyone is trying to help from what information they are given and i do appreciate everyone's input, but i did not mean to throw my guy under the bus in the mix of this when the bottom line issue is me trying to work with his son.
the only thing my has asked me to be kind to his son and has never expected me to be step mother of the year.
my relationship with my guy is fine, the only issue we have is being on the same page of understanding why it is hard for me to connect with his son. he wants to understand but its like explaining quantum physics to a 4 years old, they want to know they just cant grasp it.
i think what i should have wrote from the beginning was -
this step mom thing is still alien to me after 3 years.
no baby mama drama.
no horror stories.
no issues with my guy.
no real issues from the kid,
just a failure to connect with him.
how do i explain all of this to my guy so he understands?
how do i over look his sons annoying habits and accept him for him?
how do i do it?